All comics by Spankling

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by Spankling
12-28-04
Spankling! I’ve encountered intelligent life! And they appear hostile!
Spankling! Respond!
I sense arousal from you, sir.
Did you use your empathic powers councilor or did you guess after fondling my groin?
Spankling! For the love of GOD! We’re being splattered!
Perhaps you should answer the captain sir. I sense distress…
He’ll get over it. Can you guess what I’m thinking now?

 

by Spankling
12-28-04
Spankling! That one mission cost us every central casting ensign on the ship!
I see you made it back unmolested.
Speaking of molested, Councilor Chicka tells me you had your hands full while I was gone.
Honey, I had everything filled while you were gone.
If you don’t straighten up I’m going assign you to work with “Bones.”
Is that a threat or a promise?

 

by Spankling
12-28-04
So you put out for the first mate, eh?
I sense sexual tension… and if you let me finish cleaning my… um… tools, I’ll sense your brains into jelly like I did Spanky’s.
That was… was…
$300 an hour is what it was, Captain. My brand of counseling don’t come cheap.
Captain to the bridge.
Oops! Gotta go!
Get back here! I know all about you and your pre-arranged “calls to duty!”

 

by Spankling
12-28-04
Thanks First Mate. That makes up for getting all the extras killed.
You saved enough on that deal for 2 cycles at the Ferengi brothel. Yes, I was listening in.
Good for you – maybe you learned something. So where to now?
I hear there’s a planet in the gamma quadrant where they keep Romulan babes stoked up on Nyquil so they don’t put up such a fight.
Bend over and make it so!
I can’t remember where I put the keys. Do you have the extra set?

 

by Spankling
2-05-05
I went to see the doctor. He said I had the body of a 23 year old.
He said if I didn't get rid of it pronto he was gonna turn me in.

 

by Spankling
2-06-05
Crap! Two bitches dead! What'll we do? Go to Ikea?
Let's try the Russian mail-order brides! I just got a new catalogue.
By the way Sara, you suck cock! Knock it off with your crap mouth already!
Oh Ecklie! Boo-hoo-hooooo!
Grissom, it's all my families fault.
why me?

 

by Spankling
2-07-05
Young Spankling takes a lesson...
Mommy... so lovely... want milky...
Now listen up you little snot bag! One more wet spot in the morning and I'll rub your face in it and cram a dirty toilet plunger up your lil' ass! Now use this damn thing!
I better fill my squirt gun while I'm in here. I don't want to wake up without ammo!

 

by Spankling
2-08-05
Thanks for the dry hump. That leaves only a theater and an airplane for odd sex places before I turn 21.
You promised me a burger after this. I want my burger.
Welcome to Slimy's! What can I do for you?
Gimmy a burger and a date to see Porky's XIX!

 

by Spankling
2-14-05
Spankling?
Yes my little hose-muffin?
Happy Valentines day!
[groan... I mean grovel]

 

by Spankling
2-14-05
Face it. The leather. The scars. There is something about me that just fills you with desire!
She loves me.

 

by Spankling
2-16-05
Yes, this is much better. Thank you!
YES!
This is so much better than back by the kitchen.
YES!
You handled that maitre d' very well...
IT IS GOOD TO FIND SOMEONE WHO TRULY APPRICIATES CORNHOLING!

 

by Spankling
2-16-05
Good evening sir! May I take your order?
The question, dear lady, is may I take your order?
My order... sir?
Sweet mistress! I beg only to serve you.
In that case, order the expensive red wine and a T-bone, leave a 50% tip and get the fuck out without touching anything.
OOOOO! I love how your nostils flare when you are being cruel and unusual!

 

by Spankling
2-19-05
Oh yeah... now I'm gettin some...
Holy shit! Who are you? Where did you...
I am the Genie of the toilet. You rubbed yourself and I appeared.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Just a second mom! JEEEZ!
Besides an orgasm, what wish may I grant you, sire?

 

by Spankling
2-20-05
Such a nice place! I love the fish! And there is something intoxicating about the aroma in here...
Oh... that's my uh... cologne. I took the liberty of sprinkling my shorts with catnips.
Yep. That was it.
Check?

 

by Spankling
2-26-05
Where is the toothpaste?
Oral Sex department. Aisle 4.
Mixed nuts? Party mix?
Bloated Swine section.
Fisting gloves and Anal-Eeze?
Sporting Goods, next to the stink bait.

 

by Spankling
2-26-05
You want me to what?
Just show Ko Ko your hooters! Are you deaf?!?
Hi Ko Ko... so... I hear you like to... uh...
Okay sailor girl, 86 the shirt. I'm a valuable talkng monkey, here! Let's go!
So how did it...
What an animal! I'll never go human again! Please tell me when Ko Ko wants more! Please!!!

 

by Spankling
3-01-05
So what do you think?
It's nothing a rack and some heads wouldn't fix.
A... a rack and some...
What?
Fucking pig!
ooooch! What I say?

 

by Spankling
3-14-05
Thanks for having dinner with me Tit-Fuck Fairy.
Just keep the caviar coming.
[sigh] Yes miss. Tit-Fuck, why is it I can't get my hands on a G-Mail account?
You and me are old-tech, Spanker. you know... whips, wands, clamps, pixie dust...
* ring * .... *ring *
But how do I move on? Cattle prods? Tazers?
Oops! That's my bluetooth. Put a sock in it, will you love?

 

by Spankling
3-14-05
So... TF... you're cute and well... stacked and all...
Yes?
* POOF *
But how ad-zactly could a full grown man such as myself...
* POOF *
Woooo! Nice trick! Could you do that during...
For enough pixie dust and teeth, the world is your oyster, sweety.

 

by Spankling
3-14-05
It has been a lovely evening, TF.
So far so good.
Maybe we could wonder back to my place and...
No chance! The last time you groveled on me and inhaled one of my slippers!
I'll be a perfect gentleman this time!
You get out of hand and I'll turn you into a hobby-horse with this wand! Scratch that. You’d like it too much.

 

by Spankling
3-14-05
You sure you wont come back with me?
No. I gotta fly.
She's making up lies to keep from hurting my feelings.
That sleep tonic I gave him should kick in so the 7 dwarves can have their fun with him tonight!
Good bye then TF. I'll always love you.
Sleep tight.

 

by Spankling
4-19-05
Welcome to McMeaty-ors may I take your order?
Yeah... I wanna Double-Big Dipper burger, a Moon Pie, and a large strawberry Milky Way shake.
You wanna stimulating anal probe with that?
Pardon?
Saturn Onion Rings? You want Saturn Onion Rings?
That's not what you said.

 

by Spankling
4-19-05
You want Onion Rings or not?
I wanna talk to your manager!
Sigh... Look buddy, I need this job...
Shut up and fetch your boss key-pad monkey!
Is there a problem, sir?
Is that... is that an anal probe unit in your hand?

 

by Spankling
4-19-05
Here at McMeaty-ors we don't talk about anal probes... sir.
Well, your counter clown was sure talking them up!
Did you order the Moon Pie... sir?
Well... yes, I did. But...
Then what the hell did you expect. Hit the bricks before I make you taste this thing.

 

by Spankling
4-19-05
Wow! Thanks Boss! I appreciate you standing up for...
Back room, Zxeeqzrt.
Oh please, Boss... Please don't!
You want it in public? Back room.
I love this job.

 

by Spankling
4-26-05
Nice work on the Johnson account, Maura. I'm putting you down for Exceeds Expectations!
Thank you, sir.
And by that I mean of course, nice tits.
Of course, sir.

 

by Spankling
4-28-05
WOW! Cool! A bar!
Who let you in kid?
WOW! Cool! A hooker!
WHAT? You better shake your lil ass out-a-here before I...
I have $10 and a 1992 Edgar Martinez baseball card.
Now you're talking! Let me show you the alley, big boy.

 

by Spankling
5-03-05
That blow job was so good I almost had an orgasm!
ALMOST?!? What about that great, honking load of goo you just blasted me in the face with? I thought I was sucking off a cement mixer!
That? Well… I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.
Oh.... Thanks.

 

by Spankling
5-04-05
I gotta cut down on the nightlife and start getting some exercise!
You want exercise? How about running around the bar with me on your shoulders?
No. The last time I got a crick from having your woody in my neck.
Or I could pick up your legs and we could play wheel barrel, but I might be tempted to tailgate.
15 minutes later...
One more time... he ran out into this alley and he..
Exploded. Yep. Bits of him suddenly flew everywhere. Darndest thing.

 

Come here often?
Me? NO! I generally do that in the bathroom.
by Spankling, 5-05-05

 

by Spankling
5-05-05
What a great morning! I go out and nearly catch the squirrel! Then I pee on his tree while he chatters at me! What fun!
While you were out I pooped on your food.
And it keeps getting better and better!
No charge.

 

by Spankling
5-05-05
Hello cat.
Hello food.
I’m going to tell all the birds how you hide under the lilac bush.
Fine. The bones of your newborn are more tender anyway.

 

by Spankling
5-05-05
We should band together. That cat is…
Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!
We could…
Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!
Shut the fuck up asshole! I hope the cat claws your face off again!
C’mon! I bark, you run! Let’s play!

 

by Spankling
5-05-05
Well, well. Here comes a change in my diet.
Just try it feline. Monty Python learned a lesson and so can you.
You mean…
These teeth ain’t just for carrots, sweetheart.
Hmmm…. So… do you nest on the ground?
Oh you don’t even want to meet Mrs. Bunny!

 

by Spankling
5-05-05
I love my bone!
I sprayed your bone.
[Smack – munch] He he he!
What’s so funny, drool-boy?
I’m pretending this is your leg.
Dream on.

 

by Spankling
5-05-05
What is on your alleged mind, fuzz-nut?
You sprayed my favorite hydrant!
That’s right. Beg nicely and I’ll spray your face.

 

by Spankling
5-05-05
What-cha eatin?
Squirrel babies. Want some?
Can I?!? OH BOY!
SIT! STAY!
[whimper]
Don’t worry. I’m saving you the lower intestines and genitals.

 

by Spankling
5-05-05
I saw you caught the cat up your tree.
Yep. Turns out cats can’t climb down head first or hold on too well. Kinda puts ‘em at a disadvantage.
HE he! He may have landed feet first but it must have driven his paws up to his shoulders!
Ha ha ha!
Laugh while you can my little play things!

 

Texas is raffling off school girls
by Spankling, 5-10-05

 
by Spankling, 5-10-05

 

by Spankling
5-19-05
You know what REALLY rapes my ass?
Me?
And thank you, by the way.
Shut up and bend over.

 

by Spankling
5-23-05
Okay, we got the costumes. Now what?
Well... you know... You get all tough and... you know...
Sigh. couldn't we just fuck? I mean what if we get stains on this stuff. The rental place will...
Just ravage me you stupid old pin-dick! If you don't start a fight I will!
Moments later...
omph...
Well it wasn't sex, but it was the most fun I've had touching you in a long time.

 

by Spankling
5-24-05
Hi, I'm going door-to-door raising money for...
Sweet Jesus! I'll buy whatever you got!
Gift wrap? you really want 1,000 rolls of gift wrap?
Why don't you come in and help me pick 'em out?
I am sooo winning the sales total this year!
And would you mind modeling some of it for me?

 

by Spankling
5-25-05
What are your career goals?
To work for a company where I wake up and say, "Thank god for another day!"
So, of course you fired off a resume to our little corner of paradise?
That's the general idea.
You're hired. Now let me explain a little something about our company culture.
Is this part of the drug test?

 

by Spankling
5-25-05
Sit in this bleak space and process crap from the left to the right.
And?
And what? Training's over, slacker.
Oh.
It must be that the system is so intuitive.
Fresh meat!

 

by Spankling
5-25-05
Hidden functions! Cryptic abbreviations! Acronyms from hell! Big fat, useless help systems!
Who's yer daddy!
Please computer! I need this job!
We all need a "job" boy! You know what to do!
Actually... I don't.
Oh... right. This being cryptic can be a 2-edged sword.

 

by Spankling
5-25-05
So what do you want of me? I'll do anything!
You can start by rubbing that space bar.
Like this?
Harder! Yeah.... That's the input!
Much later...
What the hell is going on here?
He.. she... it asked for it! I never touch the space bar! Please don't fire me!

 

by Spankling
5-25-05
These reports are great! You caught on fast!
Thanks sir.
You seem to have a way with processing crap!
I would rather not talk about it.
Too bad, cuz you're signed up to train the rest of the mouth-breathers to do things your way.
In front of people? Can I keep my cloths on?

 

by Spankling
5-25-05
Your first trainee is Jenny. Frankly, if she didn't have a black belt in lap-snake wrestling I would have sacked her ages ago.
Lap-snake wrestling? sir, I'm not sure this is such a...
Make her as productive in a chair as she is on her back. Any questions?
Sigh... no sir.
Today we'll learn how to process crap from the left to the right using our belligerent in-house system. Any questions?
When am I supposed to get naked?

 

by Spankling
5-25-05
Maybe I can put this in terms you'll understand, Jenny. Think of the space bar as the system's erogenous zone. Question?
Euro-genius what?
You know, what you do when you make the boss scream like a monkey?
Sure!
Do that to the spacebar.
Isn't this a shared system? It may have viruses!

Showing page 14.

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