All comics by niteowl

Profile

 

by niteowl
4-28-04
Hi, I'm Eric Clapton for Hostess. Hostess cakes have that wonderful CREAM filling that everybody loves.
Forget about the coffee, a package of Cup Cakes in the morning is just the thing to make you feel free.
So crank those Disraeli Gears down to the store after you've picked up your Strange Brew and get some Twinkies, Ho-Ho's and Suzy-Q's today!
Best part is, they all have a shelf life of 3 years.
Cut. Great job, Eric.
Thanks, mate. Anyone for Tennis?

 

by niteowl
4-28-04
Thank you for a great night. I had a lot of fun.
Me too. Wanna come in for a bit?
Oh, I don't know...
Aww...please?
Ok then.
Great! First, I'll need my laundry done, then I'll need the living room vacuumed...

 

by niteowl
5-01-04
We're here with Jimmy, who had a masterful game on the mound. Tell me Jimmy, what was the key to your success today?
Well, you know, I just take it one inning at a time, one batter at a time...and God willing, everything works out in the end.
You only gave up one hit today, can you tell us why?
Throwing at a kid's head tends to back 'em off the plate.
True, but you also gave up 13 walks and 11 runs.
It was only 12 walks!

 

by niteowl
5-01-04
And we're here with Johnny, who stole a Little League record 12 bases in today's game.
Johnny, how did you manage to break a record they said was unbreakable?
The 27 passed balls by the other team helped.
Still, you must be pretty fast to steal all those bases!
Not really. When I ran the 40 yard dash in school last week, they timed me with a sundial.

 

by niteowl
5-01-04
And with me now is the ump at today's game. Exciting game, huh?
Yeah, it was rad.
True dat, dawg!
Word!
Anyways, I noticed that your strike zone seemed to expand as the game went along...
That's because I got a hot date in about 15 minutes. Later!

 

by niteowl
5-01-04
With me right now is Johnny's mom, Sally. Hello Sally.
Hello there, you hot hunk of news reporting.
Ok then, so Sally...how di-
Are you single, huh big boy?
Um, no. And judging by the amount of cleavage you're flashing today, I'm guessing you're divorced.
It's in the Little League by-laws that all divorced baseball moms must dress like this.

 

by niteowl
5-01-04
Good afternoon sir. Did your son play in today's game? How did he do?
I don't have kids.
Then why are you here?
Oh shit, this guy's a child molester...
I come here for the cheap food. $2 for a hot dog, chips, AND soda! What a deal!

 

by niteowl
5-01-04
Hi there, Jimmy's grandma.
Hello sonny.
Did you know that the concession stand sells earplugs specifically because of your screaming and yelling during the games?
They actually say on the package, "Earplugs for your protection against the utter hell of Grandma Douchebag's screams".
Where is my douchebag, anyways?

 

by niteowl
5-01-04
The coach of the Orioles has decided to speak with us. Hello coach.
Hi, maggot.
Impressive victory today, your team looked very good.
Like hell we did! We couldn't pitch, hit, run, throw...we couldn't even adjust our nutcups right! What fucking game were you watching?
People have said you're a perfectionist...
Who the fuck do you think YOU are? That's it...get out there and run the bases for 20 minutes, you little bastard!

 

by niteowl
5-05-04
Today is National Anxiety Disorders Screening Day.
Individuals can call toll free 1-888-442-2022 or visit freedomfromfear.org to find a site in their area that will offer a free screening and an education program.
Free? Shit.

 

by niteowl
5-05-04
Today is National Anxiety Disorders Screening Day.
You can visit freedomfromfear.org to find a site in your area that will offer a free screening and an education program.
I wish I didn't have such anxiety about seeing doctors.

 

by niteowl
5-05-04
Hi, I'm Tommy Shaw. Do you remember the days of yesteryear, when life was carefree...
...sitting on the front porch steps on a hot summer day with baseball glove in hand, and cards in the spokes of your bike...
...remember the excitement of tearing open that paper straw and pouring that pure colored sugar goodness down your throat?
Relive those days with the all-new Pixie Styxâ„¢!
They'll rot your teeth just as fast as the original, and the new Pixie Styx are just as sugary as our 1979 hit, "Babe"!
In fact...the new Pixie Styx are so sweet, you'll make those same faces that I did when I first heard that song!

 

by niteowl
5-05-04
Lenny said you're thinking about getting a real job.
That's right, I wanna be a lawyer!
A lawyer? Don't you have to go law school for like 12 years?
Hey, I watch enough Court TV during the day to know what's going on...
I'm just imagining you cross-examining a witness...
Forget the witnesses, let me cross-examine one of those hot bailiffs!

 

by niteowl
5-05-04
Hi God.
Hello Susie, haven't seen you in a while. Where have you been?
I've been, uh...real busy lately. You know, homework and school and-
Come on now Susie...
Fine! I admit it, I've seen the Olsen Twins movie 746 times, ok? Is that so wrong?
You only paid to see it 734 times though. Tsk tsk.

 

by niteowl
5-05-04
Comic #666...hmmm.
*niteowl has entered #stripcreator*
Is there a virgin in the house? I need a sacrifice for my 666th comic.
No, try #startrek though!

 

by niteowl
5-05-04
RAAAAAR! TOBOR COME TO CORNHOLE!!!!
Holy Powdered Hyena Semen! How'd you get in here?
TOBOR FIND KEY UNDER WELCOME MAT. HAVE YOU NOT HEARD OF TOBOR, THE RED ROBOT RUMP RAPIST?
I don't believe I have.
TOBOR UNABLE TO CORNHOLE COMMUNIST INTO SUBMISSION. COMMUNIST SAYS HE'S STILL VOTING FOR KERRY. TOBOR SORRY!
Dang it! Rummy, grab your dildo and get that purty mouth of yours warmed up, we're headin' over to Spankling's house!

 

by niteowl
5-05-04
RAAAAAR! TOBOR COME TO CORNHOLE!!!!
Holy Powdered Hyena Semen! How'd you get in here?
TOBOR FIND KEY UNDER WELCOME MAT. HAVE YOU NOT HEARD OF TOBOR, THE RED ROBOT RUMP RAPIST?
I don't believe I have.
TOBOR WILL NEVER HIT QUOTA THIS MONTH.
...And you can take that flower from the Church of Religious Consciousness and plant it in your ass!

 

by niteowl
5-06-04
Mom, did you and Dad go out for a long time before you got married and had me?
Yes, we did.
What was your first date with him like?
It was...well, let's just say it was interesting...
*Start Flashback*

 

by niteowl
5-07-04
The Democrats need to stop with their rhetoric on the war.
All it is doing is encouraging the enemy to attack us.
July 2, 2003
There are some who feel like that conditions are such that they can attack us there. My answer is: Bring them on.

 

by niteowl
5-07-04
I claim this water cooler for the Union!
Oh yeah? Well, I claim this water cooler for the Confederacy!
I suppose we should get back to our desks, eh?
You first.

 

by niteowl
5-08-04
I think it's stuck.
Dammit!
What are you two doing over there?
Psst...It looks like they're fornicating, corporal.

 

by niteowl
5-08-04
Whew, I never thought I'd get that thing out.
Ahh, that's much better. Thanks.
Jesus, did you see the size of that thing when he pulled it out?
It was bigger than Arnold Schwarzenegger's arm!

 

by niteowl
5-08-04
Uh-oh. You're bleeding all over the place.
Shit. Hey, can you guys help us out over here? I could really use a bandage or some topical cream.
Uh, we're out of topical cream. We'll get some bandages though.
Out of topical cream? I knew you were masturbating in the tent last night!

 

by niteowl
5-08-04
Thanks a lot. You guys saved Maurice's life here.
No kidding. I probably would've bled to death. Thank you.
You're welcome.
Next time, maybe you should have your friend scratch your back for you instead of using a tree. You don't want another huge splinter stuck in your back again, do you?
Say goodbye, confederate do-gooders!

 

by niteowl
5-09-04
4:00 am
*RING RING*
Sonofabitch...
*RING RING*
Whoever is calling better have a damn good reason for waking me up at 4am...
Jake? It's Tommy at CTU. We've got a major problem here. A terrorist network is threatening to take down the Internet.
I'll be there in a bit. We can't let those thugs hack the 'net, I've got an auction on EBay to tend to!

 

by niteowl
5-09-04
5:00am - At the Counter Terrorism Unit of Los Angeles
It seems that the terrorists are serious about crashing the Internet. They've threatened to-
To crack the 512-bit encryption on the firewall of the Department of Defense's server, drop in a worm, well, a hydra actually...
Yeah, how did you know?
I know a thing or two about computers.
Right. You watched Swordfish last night didn't you?
Halle Berry! Woo woo!

 

by niteowl
5-09-04
6:00am
Jake, We've pinpointed the exact location of these terrorists, We'll need you and Pete to head over there and take 'em down.
Pete? Who's Pete?
Your new partner. He's right behind you. And Jake, please try to work with this one instead going all psycho on him, ok?
Hey! That last partner of mine was the psycho!
Hi, I'm Jake. I'm sure you heard about what I did to my last partner. Just be cool and you won't meet the same fate.
I like being tied up and spanked though!

 

by niteowl
5-09-04
7:00am - At the Terrorists' Hideout
Alright, we're here...now what?
We bust down the door and run in there screaming with guns drawn, ready to kill those punk-ass bitches, duh! Back up, I'm gonna blow up the door.
YEEEAAAAGGGHHHHH!
Mommy? Is that you?

 

by niteowl
5-09-04
8:00am
I can't believe it took us an hour to get in here.
Shut up Pete...ALRIGHT ALL YOU PUNKS, DOWN ON THE FLOOR OR I WILL SHOOT YOU!
Jake, we don't have any guns.
Fuck, I knew we forgot something!
It sounds like they're in that backroom. What should we do?
Will you hush up and let me comtemplate our next move for about 59 minutes?

 

by niteowl
5-09-04
9:00am
OK HACKER BOY, BACK AWAY FROM THE KEYBOARD! AND WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THIS WALLPAPER?
Who are you? Are the pizza delivery guy?
I'M AGENT JAKE PLOWER OF CTU, AND YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR MAKING TERRORISTIC THREATS AND ATTEMPTING TO HACK THE INTERNET.
You can't arrest me, you can only detain me. And could you please stop screaming at me in ALL CAPS?
Whatever. We're taking you downtown for questioning.
Can I bring my Gameboy Advance with?

 

by niteowl
5-09-04
10:00am
We got the little bastard, Tommy! He's in the interrogation room right now.
Excellent! Good work Jake. Is he talking at all?
Not much, but he did admit to hacking various websites across the Internet, and he's completely remorseless. I think he's capable of doing more than just wrecking the Internet.
Ok, well get back in there and question him some more. Do what you have to do to make him talk. By the way, where's Pete?
I killed him on the way back. That motherfucker could really get on a person's nerves.
Good job Jake, we were about to downsize him anyways. Now we don't have to worry about doling out severance pay.

 

by niteowl
5-09-04
11:00am - Interrogation Room
So you've hacked some websites, huh? Do you realize that it's now a federal crime to do that? You are in a heap of trouble, little boy.
Puhleeze. You're gonna be real busy arresting everyone then, because everyone on the net is a hacker.
Bullshit, Most people online can't even cut and paste or type properly, let alone hack anything. Haven't you ever talked to the average AOLer?
Pfft. Go into any chatroom and everyone there will say they are a hacker.
So you should believe everything that's written on the Internet, right?
Correct. Did I mention I have a 12 inch dick and a Porsche?

 

by niteowl
5-09-04
12:00pm
I've had enough of your games, punk. Now tell me why you are threatening to take down the Internet.
I'm not going to take down the Internet. I may have hacked a few sites in the past, but that's it. Nothing more than that.
Well, our information led us to you. The IP was traced back to your computer.
Crap. I'm done.
And then, over the intercom in the room..."Are you done yet, Jake? We've got bin Laden and we need to question him!"
bin Laden? I thought he wasn't supposed to be caught until October!
I'm getting hungry. When's lunch, bitch?

 

by niteowl
5-09-04
1:00pm
So where's bin Laden?
Uh...I was kidding when I said that over the intercom.
Well shit, I let the kid go to free up the interrogation room!
That's ok. I don't think the kid did it anyways. Besides, he hacked some Arab websites. He should get a medal.
Yeah, that kid's a patriot. With all the time we've wasted so far today, you think we'll get in trouble with the boss?
Ha! Like the boss REALLY knows what goes on around here.

 

by niteowl
5-09-04
2:00pm
Jake, this is Dan. I heard you released the suspect. Did you not have enough evidence against him?
No Mr. President, we did not. It was clear to us that he was not the culprit behind the hacking incident.
Do you have any other leads? What is the current status of the situation?
We have no other leads yet Mr. President, and the Department Of Defense's server has not had any attacks in the last 3 hours.
Excellent. Keep me updated with any new developments. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a 3:30pm tee time.
Good luck, Mr. President.

 

by niteowl
5-09-04
3:00pm
We've got a problem, Jake. We received a phone call about 10 minutes ago, apparently a bomb has been planted in the White House.
Oh shit. What should we do?
We have to do this quietly and efficiently. I want you to fly to Washington and find that bomb. We can't let anyone know though, for there will be mass panic.
Not even the President can know?
Especially not him, you know how high-strung and jumpy that bastard is.
Well, I would be too if I had a total nutcase for a wife.

 

by niteowl
5-09-04
4:00pm - On a plane to Washington D.C.
Just a little bit of turbulence. Nothing to worry about, it'll be fine...
"This is your captain speaking, we are in deep shit, and we're going down. Have a nice life."
I wonder if it's ok to light up a cigarette now?
Later...
I am the luckiest man on earth. I'm on a plane that crashes and kills everyone on board, and I walk away without even a scratch.

 

by niteowl
5-09-04
5:00pm - Jake meets with The First Lady at the White House.
Hello there, Shaniqua.
Jake! What are you doing here? Dan's out on the golf course and he-
I know he's not here. Shan, we have a big problem. Apparently someone has planted a bomb here in the White House.
Really? Interesting...
Why do you say "interesting"?
There was a funny looking Arab guy running here today yelling, "DIE AMERICAN SCUM!" I thought it was the Secretary Of Defense playing a prank on us again.

 

by niteowl
5-09-04
6:00pm
I gotta find that bomb before the President gets home, he'll freak out!
Wait, who is that walking down the hall?
HEY! WHO ARE YOU?
I'm the babysitter, who the fuck are you?

 

by niteowl
5-09-04
7:00pm
So you won't talk, huh? I know you did something here in the White House today, something that is an affront to all Americans...
For a naked picture of Gena Lee Nolan, I'll talk.
Ok, here you go...
I admit it, I masturbated in the Lincoln bedroom.
I hope he's kidding...HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
Thanks for the picture, time to christen the bathroom!

 

by niteowl
5-09-04
8:00pm - Jake finds the President and First Lady's adopted son...
Hey Jeff, what's going on?
Nothing Jake, just making comics at stripcreator.com.
Say, you haven't seen any weird stuff going on around here today, have you?
No more than usual...
My mom had sexual relations with the gardener, but that's a daily occurance.

 

by niteowl
5-09-04
9:00pm - Jake and Jeff go looking for the bomb.
Holy shit! We found the bomb!
Shouldn't it be ticking?

 

by niteowl
5-09-04
10:00pm - Jake tries to defuse the bomb...
Tick.....tick......
Is it the red wire, or the green wire?
Tick.....tick......
Maybe it's the blue, or the black...let's try this one...
With no success.
Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick...
Damnit, cutting the fuchsia wire sped it up!

 

by niteowl
5-09-04
11:00pm
Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick...
I 've got to get this thing stopped...man, the clock says 45 seconds...
Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick...
What's this? A button that says, "Emergency Stop"...
It stopped at 24 seconds. How creepy is that?

 

by niteowl
5-09-04
12:00am - Meeting with the First Lady again.
Shaniqua, your son Jeff and I found the bomb and it has been defused.
Oh, thank God...
And where is the President? Awfully late to still be playing golf...
He's probably out banging an intern.
That sounds familiar...
I was kidding. He has no penis.

 

by niteowl
5-09-04
1:00am - Jake heads back to Los Angeles.
I wonder what we'll have for a meal on this flight...
"This is your captain speaking. The plane is NOT going down. It's all an illusion. Don't panic. Thank you."
Lasagna would be good.
Survived another one!

 

by niteowl
5-09-04
2:00am - Jake arrives back at CTU after a long, LONG, day.
Congratulations Jake, you once again saved the day!
Thanks Tommy.
So, what are you gonna do? Want to hit the bar?
No thanks, I'm heading home. I'm exhausted, and haven't ate all day.
I slept the entire time you were gone in Washington.
Gee, thanks for watching my back, pal!

 

by niteowl
5-09-04
3:00am - Jake gets home.
Tiem for bed, I'm beat.
"Hello Jake. This is a recording. You may have foiled me and my plan, but now I'll get the last laugh. Sincerely Yours, The First Lady."
Oh. My. God.
*BOOM*

 

by niteowl
5-14-04
Mom, did you and Dad go out for a long time before you got married and had me?
Yes, we did.
What was your first date with him like?
It was...well, let's just say it was interesting...
*Start Flashback*
Ernie, you're definitely the best kisser in the family.
Aw, shucks. Thank ya kindly, cousin.

 

by niteowl
5-15-04
Welcome to KFC. Can I take your order, please?
Um, give me all your sporks. Oh, and a 3 piece meal, Original Recipe.
Is this a robbery?
It is, and I demand service! Give me the stuff now!
Oh my lord, what's that in your right hand...wait, you're robbing us at sporkpoint?
I would've used a gun, but I don't believe in violence.

Showing page 14.

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