All comics by fuzzyman

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by fuzzyman
4-07-05
AWRIGHT!!! THE BATHROOM IS ALL MINE!!! TIME TO GET DOWN TO SOME SERIOUS BODILY FUNCTIONS!!!
WOW!!!! NEVER SEEN THAT COLOR BEFORE!!!! LOOKS LIKE IT'S TIME TO GET THAT URINARY TRACT INFECTION CHECKED OUT!!!!
WHOAH!!!! TALK ABOUT EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA!!!! I'LL BE CLEANING THAT OFF THE CEILING FOR WEEKS!!!

 

by fuzzyman
4-09-05
Today thousands of people crowded into Saint Peter's Square in Rome to attend day 63 of Pope John Paul the Second's funeral.
We can't afford to keep a news crew in Rome any longer, so instead here's a scene from the 1979 film, Caligula.
Oh, Fellatia, I do so desire to place my tounge upong your hidden places!
Have at me, Cunnilingula!
"Cunnilingula?"
Who keeps borrowing tapes from my collection, dammit!!?

 

by fuzzyman
4-15-05
Can I help you, sir?
YES, I'M LOOKING FOR SOME UNDERWEAR!!!! SOMETHING STYLISH THAT DOESN'T CHAFE!!!! IF I DON'T USE MY THIGH CREAM I BREAK OUT IN A RASH, YOU SEE!!!
Ummm, well, we have these lovely Nautica super-soft 100% cotton briefs. Guaranteed not to irritate your sensitive skin.
GREAT!!!! DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING WITH A BIGGER BALLSACK!!!? IF I DON'T TAKE MY ANTIBIOTICS MY TESTES GROW TO THE SIZE OF GRAPEFRUIT!!!!
Oh... uh, you want the Tommy Hilfiger Silky Ballmaster Plus, then.
PERFECT!!!! SAY, WOULD YOU HAVE THESE IN BROWN!!?? IF I USE OVERSIZE GERBILS I GET SKIDMARKS THAT JUST WON'T COME OUT IN THE WASH!!!

 

by fuzzyman
4-15-05
On November 13, Jesus was asked to remove himself from his place of residence; that request came from his wife. Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that some day he would return to her.
I've had enough of you! Get out, now!
I'll be back!
With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Buddha. Several years earlier, Buddha's wife had thrown HIM out, requesting that HE never return.
Can I move in?
Sure, if you do the cooking.
Can two religious figures share an apartment without driving each other crazy?
What's for dinner?
My body and blood. Here, have a thigh.

 

by fuzzyman
4-15-05
My apartment is flooded! What the hell happened?
Oh, sorry. I must have left the faucet on in the tub.
You left the faucet on!!?? What were you thinking!?
So what? It's not a big deal.
Not a big deal!!?? NOT ALL OF US CAN WALK ON WATER, YOU KNOW!
Oops. My bad.

 

by fuzzyman
4-15-05
Loaves and fishes again? Jesus Christ!
Yes?
You know, if you're going to do that every time I swear, I'll have to ask you to move out.
If you'd swear in your own religion, this wouldn't be a problem!

 

by fuzzyman
4-16-05
I'll see that and raise it five dollars. That's twenty-five to you, Gabriel.
Call.
I raise five. That's thirty to you, Allah.
By all that is holy I do delare fatwah on these horrible cards! I call upon all my people everywhere to destroy the Jack of Clubs! Thus, I fold!
Tell me again why you invited him to poker night?
Have you tasted his falafel? Heavenly!

 

by fuzzyman
4-16-05
What the hell? JESUS! Get over here, dammit!
You rang, Buddha?
The laundry came out pink! My favorite robe is ruined! Any idea how that could have happened?
Nope! *snicker*
YOU CHANGED THE WATER INTO WINE AGAIN, DIDN'T YOU!!??
Guilty! *snck*

 

by fuzzyman
4-26-05
Jesus! I got us a job doing a TV commercial!
That's great, Buddha! What's the commercial for?
Aaaaaaaand ACTION!
Hey! You got Bible verses in my Buddhist koans!
No, you got Buddhist koans on my Bible verses! Hey, these are pretty good...
Two great religions that taste great together!
Fucking Unitarians.

 

by fuzzyman
4-27-05
Damn, what in the world is that smell?
Myrrh. Did I put on too much? I've got a hot date tonight.
It's a little strong. Say, wasn't myrrh used as an accompaniment to the ancient Hebrew meat-offering at the temple?
Yeah, baby!
I don't want to know.
Once you go Jesus, no other meat pleases!

 

by fuzzyman
4-28-05
Good news, Buddha! We'll be able to pay the rent this month. I got us a job appearing in a video game.
Most wonderful! What's the game?
Round Three... FIGHT!
Shock Grasp! Lightning Bolt! Torpedo! Fatality!
Ressurection!
Hey, this is no fair! He keeps rising from the dead!
That's why this game is called Immortal Kombat, dude.

 

by fuzzyman
4-29-05
My, but my little cat loves to run around! He's so fast, I never get to cuddle with him.
Meow!
Henry! Rub some of that Tom Delay on Mr. Wuggums, would you?
Meow!
Tom Delay cream makes your cat slower than a Texas politician. And that's slow. Buy some today!
He's slowing down!
It also slows down turkeys.

 

by fuzzyman
5-03-05
I'm Betty Butterworth and this is SCN News. Stripcreator citizens celebrated the return of their long-absent friend, Pita.
Most of the party video was accidentally destroyed, but our video forensics team mamanged to recover this clip.
'Ey, you're pretty good wi' that banana. What say we go out back?
Eep!
"Accidentally destroyed," huh? Kajun paid you to dispose of that video, didn't he?
Eating the video tape was easy compared to the soiled bananas.

 

by fuzzyman
5-11-05
So... What do you think of your meal?
Errr..
What do you mean, "errr"? My blood and sweat went into that meal!
Oh, that's what that taste was!
That taste?
You're a little gamey.

 

by fuzzyman
6-15-05
This is SCN News. I'm Jake Jemima. Michael Jackson was find not guilty on all counts today.
Among other things, Jackson was accused of molesting young boys and giving them wine to drink, which he called "Jesus Juice." We asked the man on the street for reaction.
Father McFeely, what do you think of Michael Jackson being acquitted?
This is great news!
In other news, hundreds off priests stormed the headquarters of Sony records today, seeking record contracts and excessive plastic surgery.
Someone's getting fucked up the ass Lord, Kumbayah.

 

by fuzzyman
8-15-05
This is SCN News and I'm Jake Jemima. Driving while intoxicated: It's a big problem, but citizens are finding creative ways to avoid it.
Local activist Jimmy Spittle is at a nearby bar, explaining how he digs up bodies at a local cemetary so he can get home safely.
With my new buddy here *hic* on the job I can drink as much as I want. Rrright, buddy?
Of course! I'm the dessicated driver!
Well, that joke was dead on arrival.
Can I get back the last fifteen seconds of my life?

 

by fuzzyman
9-29-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
Ha! I've gone 40 YEARS without jerkin' my yerkin!
Wow, how did you manage that?
I cut off my yerkin with a carving knife! I know now that I was insane. Too bad that condition is hereditary.
Son...?

 

by fuzzyman
10-12-05
Heeeey, check out that hot little number by the bar!
Wow, check out the horns on that guy!
Several months of gestation later...
How many times do I have to tell you to poop IN the toilet, not NEXT TO it?
Ooopth!

 

by fuzzyman
11-07-05
Welcome to Dunkin' Jesus. How can I help you?
I'll have a Glazed Crucifix and a box of Apostles. No jellies, please.
Very good. Would you like a grail of your Lord's blood to make it a combo?
Sure, why not?
Just a moment while I call the Romans. Aurelius! Bring your spear in here and poke me in the side, will ya?

 

by fuzzyman
11-09-05
My name is Sam Suede. I'm a private dick, but that doesn't mean I'm above bending the law when it comes to satisfying my cravings. Too bad my favorite hooker had gone missing.
Hey Leroy, I've got five bucks. Where's Ping?
Ain't seen the bitch for days.
Ping's sister also screwed people for a living. She was my insurance agent. Although, like her sister, she sucked at it. I left her a message and she was in my office lickety split. Or spit. I forget.
Hello, Pong.
Sam! Ping is missing? I came as soon as I heard your message!
I liked her sister a lot.
Yes, you got here pretty fast.
No, silly, I mean your voice makes me really wet.

 

by fuzzyman
11-15-05
One day on the Enterprise...
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Ha, ha!
Grrrrrrr...
What?
That wasn't the punchline, dude.
Your Earth humor continues to flummox me.

 

by fuzzyman
11-28-05
It's a new season of excitement from the Federation Wrestling Federation! Boldly go where no wresting match has gone before as Kahn Noonian Singh battles the famous Captain James T. Kirk!
I will leave you as you have left her: Buried for all eternitiy in the center of a dead planet. Buried alive! Buried alive!
KHHHAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!
Will the Half Vulcan finally meet his match in the Drunken Data?
This is illogical. Your character should not exist for another 60 years. This is a serious continuity error.
Or a time travel paradox. Happens every other episode.
Last but not least, the Gay Helmsman confronts his innermost fears!
Aiiieee! Boobies! Get them away!
Touch them, Sulu! Touch them!

 

by fuzzyman
5-13-06
One day at the ranch...
So I says to my wife, "Well that romaine lettuce ain't gonna make salad by itself!" She says to me, "You make it. It's a day without immigrants."
Ha, ha!
Fucking mail-order brides.

 

by fuzzyman
5-14-06
One day at the ranch...
So I says to my wife, "Well that romaine lettuce ain't gonna make salad by itself!" She says to me, "You make it. It's a day without immigrants."
Ha, ha!
Then I beat her, of course.
Fucking mail-order brides.

 

by fuzzyman
5-14-06
At the border...
WELCOME TO AMERICA. TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU NOW!
*wink*

 

by fuzzyman
7-12-06
Find any good candidates for a new programmer on Monster?
Lots of programmers, just nobody with experience writing 3-D shooters.
But lots of people with experience playing them, I suppose.
Exactly. Hey, this is interesting. This guy is a game coder, but he also claims to have invented "Always with Wings" in his previous career.
Wow. Do you think that's true?
Nah... I suspect he's padding his resume.

 

by fuzzyman
11-03-06
Thanks for a inviting me over to watch a movie, Tobor.
TOBOR IS TRYING TO BE MORE CULTURED AND APPRECIATES YOUR HELP.
More cultured? What movie did you rent for us?
SOMETHING FROM SHAKESPEARE. HERE, CHECK IT OUT. IT STARS RON JEREMEY.
"A Midsummer Night's Ream?"
OH LOOK, THE RENTAL CAME WITH A FREE TUBE OF ASTROGLIDE. WHATEVER WILL TOBOR DO WITH THAT?

 

by fuzzyman
11-12-06
At the Shady Lanes Rest Home...
Don, when you're done cleaning the blood and feces off the walls you can start on the toilets.
Right, where are the rubber gloves, cleaning fluid, and sponges?
Sorry, we're all out. You'll have to make do with a Brillo pad, tap water, and your bare hands.
What? That's ridiculous! I need at least ten sponges, two gallons of ammonia, and three pairs of rubber gloves!
Don, as you know, you have to clean up with the tools you have, not the tools you want.
Where have I heard that before?

 

by fuzzyman
12-31-06
Tobor, old buddy, we need to talk.
WHENEVER YOU CALL TOBOR "OLD BUDDY" YOU WANT SOMETHING. WHAT IS IT, GABE?
Well, this is the third month in a row you haven't been able to come up with your half of the rent.
OH, THAT. WHAT IF TOBOR JUST CORNHOLES THE LANDLORD AGAIN?
That won't work this time. He says that he "longs for the natural feel of a real man."
THAT MEANS IT'S YOUR TURN, DUDE.

 

by fuzzyman
12-31-06
I'm not going to cornhole the landlord to pay your half of the rent. If you don't have the money then I guess you'll just have to get a job!
HA! HA!
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

 

by fuzzyman
12-31-06
WOW, TOBOR NEVER KNEW THERE WERE SO MANY KINDS OF JOBS.
See, I told you looking through the want ads wouldn't be so bad.
CHECK THIS ONE OUT. SWF, 28 5'3" 112 SEEKING TO RECEIVE DOGGIE STYLE ANAL FROM WELL-ENDOWED MALE. NO STRINGS ATTACHED.
Those are the personal ads, not the want ads!
WELL, IT SEEMS LIKE SHE WANTS SOMETHING.
Right. What's the phone number on that one?

 

by fuzzyman
12-31-06
So have you come up with your half of the rent yet?
NO, BUT TOBOR DOES HAVE AN INTERVIEW TODAY!
That's great! What type of job is it?
HERE, CHECK OUT THEIR AD.
"Are you willing to do ANYTHING on film? HARD UP for cash? Then we have a job for you at--"
"-- SUPERKINK STUDIOS!"

 

by fuzzyman
12-31-06
Well, Mr. Tobor your resume is impressive but I'm afraid Superkink Studios doesn't do adult films with robots.
WHAT, TOO KINKY EVEN FOR YOU?
Not at all. You're not kinky enough.
COME AGAIN?
We just finished filming Lesbian Dwarf Transsexual Fatties Anal Bukkake Explosion. Robots are kinky, but not superkinky.
AH.

 

by fuzzyman
12-31-06
Look, I feel sorry for you. One of our actors called in sick today. I'll give you a chance to fill in for him.
OF COURSE. TOBOR CAN CORNHOLE ON COMMAND. WHAT IS THE FILM?
It's called Butt Pirates of the Carribbean.
PERFECT!
Later...
YOU WANT TOBOR TO WHAT?
Stick it in my eye socket! Arrr!

 

by fuzzyman
1-03-07
Go ahead, stick it in there, matey! Me eye socket is hungry for your metal man meat! Arrr!
THIS MAKES NO SENSE. TOBOR CAN CORNHOLE, NOT EYEHOLE.
What's that? You're going to impale me eye on your gangplank of love? Hoist the mizzen!
ENOIUGH! NO EYEHOLING, JUST CORNHOLING! TOBOR QUITS!
Come back, me hearty! If ye want to shiver ye timber up me poop deck, that's fine with me!

 

by fuzzyman
11-23-07
THIS JOB THING IS NOT WORKING OUT, GABE!
Maybe you're just not a people person. There are lots of jobs you can do at home. Or you can start a business of your own!
LIKE WHAT?
I don't know. Check the Internet. I don't care as long as you come up with the rent!
Later...
THANK YOU FOR CALLING 1-900 TOBOR. TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU NOW, FOR ONLY $3.99 PER MINUTE...

 

by fuzzyman
9-14-09
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
That's not the reason I hate you. I hate you because you smell like baloney that's been out in the sun too long.
Well, technically, any time out in the sun is too long for baloney.
Did I tell you that I also hate you because you're a worthless pedant?
Speaking of which, did you notice that Fuzzyman is back?
Don't change the subject, smelly baloney girl.

 

by fuzzyman
7-06-10
So, Tobr, I understand that you want to join the Priesthood.
YES! TOBOR WISHES TO LIVE A LIFE OF HUMBLE PIETY!
I see. Well, before you enrol in divinity school, let me be frank. If you aren't a virgin, you can't be a priest. And you must take an oath of celibacy.
OH. IN THAT CASE, NEVER MIND. TOBOR HEARD THERE WOULD BE MUCH CORNHOLING.
Just kidding. Meet me in the confessional in tenminutes.
I'LL BRING THE CHIPS, YOU BRING THE ALTAR BOYS.

 

by fuzzyman
6-14-13
I don't always use lube when I impale fleshlings, but when I do I choose Pennzoil.
I don't always generate gravitons, but when I do I choose rotor turbines.
Ha Ha!
We don't always sucky sucky, but when we do, we chose.... Um...... Errrr....
Don't look at me, I got nothing.

 

by fuzzyman
2-16-22
Hey, you’re back! How did it go?
Terrible! That was the worst spa day EVER.
Yeah, it wasn’t a “spa day.” It was a “spay day.”
Oh.
Wait, what?

 

by fuzzyman
1-22-24
If it weren’t for CBS and the haters Axanar would be finished by now! Paul filed a false copyright! Rob stole hard the drives! All of Alec’s spending of donor money was completely legit!
Or…
Alec is lying.
I don’t get it.

Showing page 15.

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