All comics by jes_lawson

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by jes_lawson
2-07-05
I don't believe in that there evolushun! If we came from monkeys, why are there still monkeys?
Well you see, monkeys are like certain nameless sections of mankind.
Some of them are just plain stubborn idiots who can't move on!

 

by jes_lawson
2-07-05
Spunginson was witness to the S&M scene in the early 80's...
Attatch my anus to this pulley, lover!
Oh yeah! I like it when we do this! Now staple my labia to your ballbag!
My love....AAAGH!
Love will tear us apart, again...
Hrm...

 

by jes_lawson
2-07-05
Apparently we're equal to each other?
So I've heard.

 

by jes_lawson
2-08-05
"My mother in law is so fat, she has her own BLANK code...her own BLANK code"
Hmm.
So, Kate, which of our celebrity panelists do you think has the winning answer?
Umm...I'll go for Pete Doherty!
And Pete's answer iiiiizzzzz....?
PLS HELP, NEED MONEY FOR CRACK N BAIL.

 

by jes_lawson
2-12-05
Felt and LAAAAAARD!

 

by jes_lawson
2-17-05
So just how full of rubbish is your flat then?
It's pretty bad - there's some kind of troglodyte that lives in there, guarding the stairs - *ahem* MungaMungaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Ha ha! Very funny, but this place couldn't possibly be worse than...AAAAGH!
Munga Munga!
My God! This place has it's own ecosystem and wildlife!
Don't worry about MungaMunga, he's harmless. But if you hear anything that sounds like Godzilla breaking wind, hide in the larger of the piles of prog rock albums.

 

by jes_lawson
2-17-05
Hey! Let's play an Essex-style drinking game!
Yeah! How do we play?
Go and line me up 5 shots of tequila.
OK. Now what?
That's it.

 

by jes_lawson
2-18-05
Right! It's time for tequila!
Bonus! What about that Death Sauce I got you for Christmas?
What about it?
I...I want to use it instead of the usual salt lick. I am prepared to lick the pavement if need be. I have also made a will.
Previously...Xmas Morning. Fuj makes breakfast.
EEAAAGH! Cancel my trip to America! I am not going to a country that puts tear gas in its food!
So, not with cornflakes then?

 

by jes_lawson
2-21-05
And the Florida results are in - landslide for Gore! CBS calls Gore for 2000!
Oh man, thank the good Dude! The last 5 years have been another bad trip!
In other news, Kermit the Frog voted NBA MVP! Quark Fizzigog Netherlands! Film at 11!
Ah, dammit, I'm still tripping.
And finally, Bush repeats Kissinger gaff and asks "Who do I call to talk to Europe?"
Where the hell did I put that .44?

 

by jes_lawson
2-23-05
Hey, did you hear about the guy who lent some money to kitty and had a stream of comics made about him the next day?
Yes.

 

by jes_lawson
2-26-05
Right, here goes. One tequila with a Death Sauce salt lick.
It doesn't bother you that the NYC cops banned this stuff from their mace in '99?
Not a ...*sloorp*...bit.

AAAAAAAAAAGH!
So...not so hot?
Later...
There's been a massive localised increase in temperature and greenhouse gases in Mid-Essex!
My God! Either John Prescott has had his bowels cleaned, or the reactor on Mersea's gone critical! Alert the Biohazard Unit!

 

by jes_lawson
4-01-05
I'm going to the Vatican to see the Pope before his lungs give out on him.
Can you play him my tape of Orange Order Flute Band Marches?
No! Why would I do that?
I heard that Tunes help you breathe more easily.

 

by jes_lawson
4-01-05
America is the great Satan! All Muslims are required to enter jihad against it!
Did...Did you just drop chewing gum in here? Bastardry! CURSE YOU, INFIDEL!
So today, I think I saw Osama Bin Liner in the High Street...

 

by jes_lawson
4-08-05
You fancy a takeaway?
What's on the menu?
Rover
I think you're confusing me with the Koreans.

 

by jes_lawson
4-16-05
Hey! Have you heard the new single off the Bloc Party album?
I'm not sure. What does it sound like?
Umm...kind of like Gang of 4, with no discernable melody, but a lot of energy. XFM and Radio 1 play it constantly.
Ah, right then. Probably, but I can't be sure.
I went to their last concert, but I can't remember anything they played.
So they're like the CIA of new music - you can neither confirm nor deny they sound any good.

 

by jes_lawson
4-16-05
Hey, I just heard Paul Hunter has cancer! Do you know what kind?
He's got some cysts on his colon.
Where'd you find that out?
Google.
I just Google'd his ass and got nothing.

 

by jes_lawson
4-21-05
Hey! I hear you're testing the new random layout feature!
So...is it any good?
That cloud over there looks like a giant wang!

 

by jes_lawson
4-22-05
You think there are any chicks or bars on this desert island?
Dunno, but if not, we can always go bowling...

 

by jes_lawson
4-22-05
And this is why the Spanish are going to be cast into hell for their appaling endorsement of same sex marraiges!
Ratzi! No time for that now! An image of Me has appeared in a gas station forecourt in Delaware!
Let's roll!

 

by jes_lawson
4-27-05
Tony Blair, MP, addresses school kids in London
People of Britain! We need to move forward, not backwards or sideways, or u-turn, or...
Boo!
Were you shouting "Boo" or "Boom Economy" ?
BOO!
Uh...I was shouting "Boom Economy!"
TOBOR WAS SHOUTING "CORNHOLE LYING SCUMBAG!"

 

by jes_lawson
4-28-05
I was on an internet matchmaking site, and it told me "We're sorry, but you are one of the 20% of our customers for whom we can find no match."
I'd make a snide comment, but that totally sucks!
Why does this kind of thing always happen to me?
Hey it's not you babe, it's the website. Can you imagine if that happened in real life?
Sorry sir, but you're one of the 20% of customer to want to buy groceries today, who we can't serve!
It's the voluminous sweat-stained jacket, isn't it?

 

by jes_lawson
4-28-05
Mr Cruise! The tabloids and Nicole Kidman are claiming your lightsabre is too short and red!
Those rebel scum! It's time to unleash the ultimate weapon!
The lawyers?
No. Retaliate with a volley of slurs on her charatcer, then a salvo of tawdry bedroom secrets. Then call Val Kilmer; we're making Top Gun 2.
So you can put your egos in orbit around the Forest Moon of Endor, luring them into a deadly trap?
Don't fuck with my shit, assistant! I can crush throats with my mind! How do you think I got The Last Samurai an Oscar nomiation?

 

Why the long face?
by jes_lawson, 5-03-05

 

by jes_lawson
5-03-05
Hey! What are you doing here?
The author was trying to write his own take of one of the earlier strips attitudechicka wrote, but he's dyslexic.
Damn him! Wasting my time like this! I'm late for my appearance in a bucket of curly fries in Vegas!
Wait! I heard you could do some cool party trick with water!

 

by jes_lawson
5-08-05
Smurph and I have become addicted!
What to? Is it crack cocaine?
Worse...It's...It's Yu-Gi-Oh!
NOOO! My own brother! I only wish it WAS crack cocaine!
Do you want to watch us play a match duel? We can teach you the rules! It's EASY!

 

My name is Inigo Montoya. You grilled my father. Prepare to die.
by jes_lawson, 5-18-05

 

by jes_lawson
5-24-05
Hello?
Hey have you heard who the new manager of Celtic is going to be?
Who?
David Blunkett.
What?
Yeah. He can hold onto a lead better.

 

by jes_lawson
5-26-05
So Mr. Grevious, how do you like your new cyborg body?
It's pretty sweet! Although I could use more arms. *cough* *hack*
Yeah, about that...we've seen you fight with lightsabres and...would you rather not have a gatling gun and some droideka shields?
Listen sucker, which one of us is the droid general and which one's the mechanic on minimum wage?
Sigh, OK, sir. Now, about that chest armour...
Leave it - I kind of think keeping my innards in with a microwave door is pretty retro, y'know?

 

by jes_lawson
5-26-05
Obi-Wan! Flee we must! Clever places to hide find we must!
I had this idea where I move to Edinburgh and become a junkie?
To Tatooine, you must go.
The fucking home planet of Darth Vader? Jesus Yoda, what are you on?
About it think. Same plan for Saddam I suggested. Said to Texas or Oval Office, he should go.
Come to think of it, when's the dark lord ever there working? You're a freakin' genius Yoda!

 

by jes_lawson
5-26-05
I sense a disturbance in the Force!
So do I! Something's up!
I...sense that... Clonetroopers are going to shoot me in the back!
Really? I sensed that Jupiter in Scorpio means that this is a good week for my financial matters.
For f.... Look, I'll see you back at HQ. Try not to step in front of any well armed hostile battle groups, OK?
If you're going past the bookies, can you put 5000 credits on AC Milan in the Euro Cup final for me? I sense they will attain an unassailable lead.

 

by jes_lawson
5-26-05
Hot damn! I've waited 27 years to finally get the chance to see the Wookies kick some ass!
MWRRRROWWWRRR!
OK, I see Wookies! In...one and a half scenes...and...that's it. Some ass kicked maybe, but impossible to tell...
MWRRRROWWWRRR!
They still have the most meaningful dialogue though.
MWRRRROWWWRRR!

 

by jes_lawson
6-01-05
Well, looks as if we're ready to adopt the new European constitution...
Shtop! This country isn't ready yet!
Who are you?
Isn't it obvious?
We are the knights who say "Nee!"

 

.
by jes_lawson
6-03-05
Hmm...I wonder what I would look like with a beard...?
Interlude
Well would you look at that?

 

by jes_lawson
6-03-05
Morning boss.
Hello Jes...Are you growing a beard?
Being male, I am continuously growing a beard. A more accurate statement would have been "Have you stopped shaving?"
Oh, OK, I'll rephrase...
Do you want quadruple Bug-fixing duty,or 4 times normal duty, smartarse?

 

by jes_lawson
6-03-05
Heyyyy Jes!
Umm...Hey Vix!
You're sounding so good with that accent, but what's with the face fuzz?
Umm, nothing...just haven't got round to shaving yet!
You're a sexy little Irish god you are. I'd kiss you if you wren't so hairy!
OK. It takes a lack of grooming for her to notice me, then when she does, I'm too scruffy, yet alluring. This facial hair has more power than I thought.

 

by jes_lawson
6-03-05
Seriously dude, I would get rid of the beard. It's about 5 years out of date and it's dangerous.
Dangerous? No way man!
This beard makes me cooler than Burt Reynolds, circa 1974, in liquid nitrogen! Nothing can spoil my swerve!
SPLAT!
...GLUB....

 

by jes_lawson
6-03-05
Wheeljack, dude! You've been in there for hours! What are you doing?
*flik flik flik* Leave me alone! I'm...uh..busy...!
Oh... I understand! I'll leave you to it! See you at the Energon Bar, big man!
Wow, this book rules! I never knew Jane Austen could make me think there was something to do in a toilet, other than interplanetary masturbation.
Meanwhile, overhead...
Urgh! I shouldn't have eaten all that asparagus! GNNN....

 

by jes_lawson
6-08-05
Well screw what anyone thinks! I may have half a ton of runny bird droppings down my shirt, but I'm indy-fresher than Steven Malkmus's freshly laundered boxers!
Excuse me dear, have you got 50p?
Uh, no, I've got no change for you granny, sorry.
No, I meant for you! For a cup of tea! You poor thing! How long have you been living rough?
But...but...

 

by jes_lawson
6-08-05
Right, that's it! First thing when I get home, this beard is getting shaved off!
I hope I've not been standing here too long - this bird keek could form a powerful resin if left to set...
Shit.

 

by jes_lawson
6-12-05
Who would have thought a beard could attract the sort of gluey bird dump 3M would pay money for. Damn, it's freaking freezing out here.
Still, things can't get any worse...
Damn, I wish something would happen.

 

by jes_lawson
6-22-05
Ladies and Gentlemen, a confession. The strip following this one is based on an idea by Smurph, and not me.
As you know, I regularly plagiarise TV, radio, real and imagined life, and freely admit to it.
On this occasion, I should have given credit to an astute observation of a fact so obvious, it makes "George W. Bush is dumb" look like A Brief History of Time.

 

Fuj! How is it that you're so good at procrastinating?
I'll tell you later, OK?
by jes_lawson, 6-22-05

 

by jes_lawson
6-30-05
Hey! Like my new charity bracelet?
Yellow and semen coloured...LiveSchlong! Woo! Defeating wang cancer through fashion rocks!
Hey, I don't recognize that sky blue coloured one, who's that for?
That's the anti-Midlands charity, you know...
...Make Coventry History.

 

by jes_lawson
7-20-05
What's this?
A memo from the CTO. He's postponing the meeting until 9:30am tomorrow.
Ha ha! Maybe we're all getting fired!
Ha ha ha! Or maybe we're all getting holidays to Bermuda
Because of poor sales, we're going to have to outsource some jobs.
So...I'll be writing software while I'm in Bermuda now? Is that what you're saying?

 

by jes_lawson
7-20-05
Jes is really taking this threat of redundancy thing hard.
How so?
He doesn't shave, he's been drinking a LOT of absinth, and he's been saying some really off the wall things!
Your point being what again?
Never mind.

 

by jes_lawson
7-22-05
Good evening, and welcome to "Who Wants To Be Unemployed?"
Tonight's top prize, for between 2 and 20 lucky winners, is a week's pay and a boot up the arse!
Plus, an all expenses unpaid trip to the local job centre! So let's meet our suck..er..contestants

 

by jes_lawson
7-24-05
Our first contestant is the technical sales director whose department failed to forecast accurate sales figures!
I still maintain we can sell our target quota of sand to the Arabs in the second half of the year.
Contestant number two is the only technical author in the department, and is therefore irreplaceable!
Chances of me losing are about as much as me proof reading the next release of documentation!
Our third contestant is a junior engineer working on a low priority project. Your comments?
I'm as Shafted as Richard Roundtree with a pointy stick up his arse, aren't I?

 

by jes_lawson
7-24-05
Question number one. What is LIFO?
Ah, a computer science question, easy! LIFO stands for "Last In First Out"
It is analogous to the stack in a program's memory where...
I'm sorry, the correct answer is "Last In, First Out is the redundancy policy of your firm!"
And as the last engineer to be hired...NOOOO!

 

by jes_lawson
7-28-05
Hello, this is Bob Racecar from RecruitCo. We've got a job here we think you might be intersted in.
Bring it on! I've been so unable to afford beer, my liver's throwing a street party!
Can I ask you your A-level grades please? This firm usually ask for them.
That always makes me suspicious, but yeah, I'll tell you.
That's great. I'm sending you the incredibly long list of firms I'm also putting you forward to, and I'll get back to you later.
You're not a spammer are you? If I find out this firm makes generic Viagra or something I'll rips your tits off.

 

by jes_lawson
7-28-05
Later that day...
Hi this is Betty Racecar from RecruitCo. I'd like to put you forward for a position.
Uh, great, but...
Has anyone asked you your A-level grades today?
Well, I've only told one firm today my grades.
Great, I'll be putting you forward for a vacancy I've found on our database.
Y'know, your surname is familiar...

Showing page 15.

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