All comics by ivytheplant

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by ivytheplant
10-14-04
I need to find clipstrip hangers.
You should talk to Carla, the CSM. Do you know what she looks like?
No.
Carla's the Negro.
Color me stunned.
Let's go page her.

 

by ivytheplant
10-14-04
My week 4 training plan says I have to "Discuss the purpose of execution with your trainer." This has me worried.
So about that execution thing...
Oh that. Well, you only have to worry about it if your work performance is below expectations.
Found a Unicron toy just as it was put on the shelves. Stuck it on layaway. Soon it shall be mine!
*cackles evilly*
RAHR!
The invisible-with-vest phenomenon happened again. An employee I had just passed while on duty blocked my entry into the "Associates Only" section while I was off-duty.
Um. I need to get my wallet.
I don't know you.

 

by ivytheplant
10-15-04
"A Redneck's Christmas" is neither funny nor cute.
Haw haw! 0/^ "On the first day of Christmas, my meemaw gave to me..." 0/^ That's funny!
Not again.
Whoever laughs at it should be killed, their children and relatives castrated, and any unborn family members terminated before term.
0/^ "On the fifth day of Christmas, my meemaw gave to me..." 0/^
Excuse me a moment.
Just my humble opinion.
0/^ "On the ninth day of Christmas, my meem--"
Now the world can rest in peace.

 

by ivytheplant
10-17-04
So how was work today?
Pretty good.
Getting used to the torture?
Actually, I discovered that I really enjoy my job.
So what did it feel like when your soul left your body?
Kind of stung a bit at first, but eventually the emptiness just went numb.

 

by ivytheplant
10-17-04
While processing defective merchandise...
One "Fishing Snowman" ornament.
He let the fish go.
One 22 inch polyresin tree.
Got chopped down.
One box of break resistant ball ornaments.
Broken ornament.

 

by ivytheplant
10-17-04
Morning CBL review...
"I'm going to dress up like Uncle Sam and help sell these low-carb potato chips!"
And this teaches me what?
In the bathroom...
There's toxic gas all over my house. It's coming out of my fish tank and made me stop breathing. I took the trash out and it was sizzling and bubbling from all the acid!
Maybe you shouldn't have dropped it.
Unloading freight...
Is it me, or are those boxes filled with inflatable Santas?
Everyone has their fetish.

 

by ivytheplant
10-17-04
[blah blah blah training blah]
*yawns*
*blip!*
Wha!? What the hell was that?
[blah blah blah training blah]
That looked like a pair of eyes staring at me from the screen. Who's watching me?

 

by ivytheplant
10-18-04
o/^ "A Child, a Child shivers in the cold/Let us bring Him silver and gold!" o/^
Interesting. Poetic, but impractical.
2,000 years prior...
Oh Lord! I see that you are shivering from the cold. Look! I have brought you silver and gold!
You jackass! I'm shivering from the cold! Now take that silver and gold and buy me a freaking blanket!
Yessir!
And warm milk!

 

by ivytheplant
10-23-04
ARGH!
??
The managers are in a flurry. What's going on?
The regional manager is visiting on Tuesday.
Oh. Here I thought it was someone important.
So you're the one that's Not A Team Player.

 

by ivytheplant
10-23-04
This is the most difficult race any clerk can imagine. The dangers of The Ocean of Retail are great.
Hey Ivy I need--
The Ninja Employee dodges behind a stack of trash bags!
You will need to traverse the Great Wastes of the CSM and endure the harships of Receiving! And always, the Native Peoples will try to thwart you!
Have you seen--
The prize for winning The Great Race is more priceless than a sultan's treasure!
Ivy, could you--
Ha! Can't touch me! I'm on break!

 

by ivytheplant
10-23-04
Man, my knees are so sore and bruised. I was on them all day.
Yeah, I guess giving blowjobs to all those managers takes a toll.
I was wrapping boxes, jerk.
I call 'em as I see 'em.

 

by ivytheplant
10-23-04
The guy with the scary shirt is back.
Don't'cha jest luv mah shirt!?
ARGH!
"Honky Tonk Christmas" gets stuck on repeat.
o/^ "We're having a hOOOOOooooonkey-tonk Christmas!" o/^
ARGH!
Daily meeting is called.
All available associates to the Fitting Room for our daily meeting!
ARGH!

 

by ivytheplant
10-23-04
The gas can in this plastic tub leaked gas all over. Take it back to Garden.
Um. Okay.
So this plastic tub is filled with gas and gas fumes. Where does it go?
Outside on the patio, I guess.
I'll take it out, you get the matches.
Righto.

 

by ivytheplant
10-25-04
I had my first Starbucks today.
*gasp!* How could you!?
I got a free coupon when I spent $50 in groceries at Safeway.
That doesn't excuse you. What did you get?
The froofiest non-coffee coffee-like drink I could find.
You got a frappuccino, didn't you!?

 

by ivytheplant
10-27-04
Anubis, I just read the final comic mmyers made of his Doggie Cancer Year. I'm sad and need to snuggle you guys incessantly.
Okay. But I demand fingernail usage.
Don't you guys EVER die!
*purrrr*
Hey, stop hogging the love!
Oooo! Untied shoelace!

 

by ivytheplant
10-27-04
Garrett showed me how to use the cool lifty thing...even though I'm not licensed.
WOOHOOO!!!!
I can't look!
A coworker I have homicidal feelings for proved to be a psycho.
Yeah, about 3/4 of those jars in the crate were broken.
*throws box of bowls to the floor* Now this is too!
Mothers shouldn't let their kids into the bathroom alone.
Look, there's three other clean and free stalls. I'm trying to concentrate here.
I really like that one. Please hurry.

 

by ivytheplant
10-27-04
Welcome to Doggie Heaven. We have all the comforts of home and to get anything you want, all you have to do is ask. Of course there's other dogs here, so you'll have lots of friends to make.
Cool. Anything I want, eh? I'll start with a cat slave feeding me steak while wearing silk gloves.
I'm a ferocious hunter. Soon that ball will no longer be a Menace To The World!
Why is Jaimie looking at me like that?
Uhoh. Looks like Major is doing his circus act again.
I'd better bury this before the new guy comes sniffing around.

 

by ivytheplant
11-02-04
So, who are you going to vote for?
Oh don't get me started! Everyone expects me to vote for Kerry to get Bush out of office, but at this point I think it's better to go with the devil you know than the devil who...
...insults the intelligence of the American citizens by not bothering to give us specifics on his positions! And he just panders to his critics, trying to please them! How can we trust him?
At least with Bush we'll know what to expect the next four years! Who knows with Kerry! For all we know, he's really Ming The Merciless in disguise! He might seem bland and boring but he could...
...really be a giant space li bent on world domination! I just don't know!!! I can't ignore my beliefs and vote for someone who makes me sick to my stomach, nor can I vote for Bush and still...
...be able to show my face in public again! It's a dilemma that's had me all twisted up inside for a while and I can't take much more of this! I want this to be over!

 

by ivytheplant
11-02-04
I demand reform! I demand a constitutional monarchy! It's not like England is horribly oppressing its citizenry! Canada is doing just fine! Of course we wouldn't have a choice between just two...
...slimeballs if this country wasn't so afraid of voting for a third party candidate. Everyone's afraid to risk getting Bush reelected so instead of voting for who they believe in, they are forcing...
...themselves to bend to a corrupt system! All we have to do is take a freaking stand and not be so freaking wussy about what we believe in and show those limey bastards we won't settle for the...
...lesser of two evils! Contrary to popular belief, we are a republic, not a democracy but that doesn't mean we should let ourselves be led around like sheep because we're too scared!
So, who are you voting for?
Wayne/Grayson 2004. Batman would be the most kick-ass president since Teddy Roosevelt.

 

by ivytheplant
11-02-04
So after all your rants about the popular vote, why are you even bothering to go?
I'm going for the city elections. There I at least have a hope of making a difference. Specifically, I'm voting against the smoking ban.
I thought you despised smoking.
I do, but I despise the erosion of free choice and hypocrisy even more. The supporters of the ban claim it's for the health of Laramie.
Here we go again...
But they have no problem letting people scarf down a pile of grease while guzzling vodka. And watch them scream when someone tries to ban "extreme" snowboarding.

 

by ivytheplant
11-03-04
Did you hear that Kerry conceded the election to Bush?
Yes and I'm bloody pissed off!
Why?
All that freaking drama and there's not even a climactic ending!
There she goes again.
I demand satisfaction! I demand climax! I demand a coup! Down with unsatisfaction!

 

by ivytheplant
11-05-04
All available associates to the fitting room!
No way, dude. I'm up to my ears in work.
ALL! FLOOR! ASSOCIATES! To the fitting room!
Fine, goddamnit!
There's been too much standing around talking instead of working...
Where's Sporting Goods?

 

by ivytheplant
11-05-04
Out loud...
Can you help me find my brand of toothpaste?
Certainly!
In my head...
Can you help me find my brand of toothpaste?
Have you checked the toothpaste isle? Cause I'm sure it's there. /sarcasm
To a third party observing...
Can you help me find my brand of toothpaste?
Right. This. Way. I. Am. A. Souless. Corporate. Whore.

 

by ivytheplant
11-05-04
Out loud...
Can you help me find my brand of toothpaste?
What's it look like?
In my head...
Can you help me find my brand of toothpaste?
If you don't have the brains to find it yourself, then I suggest you go home and learn how to gum your food!
To a third party observing...
Can you help me find my brand of toothpaste?
RAHR!

 

by ivytheplant
11-05-04
What are you doing?
Liberating some clipstrips.
Those are ours. You're stealing them.
Oh come on! I consolidated the merchandise! You have four strips holding one strip worth of YuGiOh cards!
Why can't you go to the fixture room like everyone else?
I'm saving the company money by using the resources at hand. Are you using those shelves?

 

by ivytheplant
11-05-04
Hide-The-Telexon
Are you using that Tele--?
*swipe* What Telexon?
Avoid-Demonic-Assistant-Managers
Shawnee's coming!
RUN!
Fixture-Swap-Behind-Management's-Back
I can give you three rolls of clearance tape, a package of bean flip holders, and one slightly dented hole punch.
Please. That isn't even worth my time!

 

by ivytheplant
11-05-04
Today is the "Grand Opening" of Wal-Mart's "Holiday Shop."
You must be so proud.
This means no more getting away with muting the dancing Santas or hiding the Christmas CDs.
Shall I stock up on Prozac for you?
Get me some heavy metal CDs while you're at it. I'll need heavy antidote after nine hours of Christmas cheer.

 

by ivytheplant
11-05-04
Being an overachiever means getting yelled at for not taking out the trash even though you went two hours late on your shift unloading the last three pallets.
But Garrett took it out just before my shift ended.
Hmmmm, yeah. Take out the trash, okay?
Therefore, I shall not aim for the stars, solar system, or troposphere.
Could you--?
Ohhh! I'm sorry, it appears to be 3:05 and I'm late for lunch. Sorry!
Instead, I shall aim somewhere around geese migration level and hope I hit someone on the head.
Your performance levels have been--
Don't make me invoke the name of the employee who doesn't show up half the time for scheduled shifts and still has been working here for 3 years.

 

by ivytheplant
11-06-04
There's a voice coming from the Accounting Office, but no physical body to back it up.
Can I--?
Before I validate the paperwork of thee, you must answer these questions three!
The scissor-lift is a fun device capable of curing acrophobia.
Okay, Ivy, it's my turn. Come down here!
No way! I can see everything!
Apparently, paint shaker #2 should never be used to shake quart-size cans.
I'm not sure we can get it out.
I'm not the one who failed to schedule properly trained personnel where it most counts.

 

by ivytheplant
11-06-04
I want my $5 gift card for dressing up on Halloween.
Ohhh, I'm sorry. Apparently there was a misunderstanding. The $5 gift card is for the winner of the costume contest.
But the sign said we'd get a gift card for dressing up.
Yup, biiiig misunderstanding.
It's Wal-Mart's policy to honor their advertisements.
The Force is strong in this one...

 

by ivytheplant
11-09-04
Men
You are looking mad hot today! I would do you in a second!
EWWWW!!
Women
You are looking mad hot today! I would do you in a second!
Thanks!
Porn
You are looking mad hot today! I would do you in a second!
Let's go!

 

by ivytheplant
11-12-04
I found a blind spot in WalMart's security cameras today. A huge blind spot. It was thief nirvana.
Wow. So what are you planning to do with this forbidden knowledge.
I told the store manager about it and he said he'd make sure that area was covered.
YOU narc'd!?
Hey, I'm just helping my friendly neighborhood WalMart Supercenter keep prices low for the customers.
Waitaminute. You're covering your own ass, aren't you?

 

by ivytheplant
11-13-04
Hi, remember me? I'm the best friend from high school that you you told to fuck off.
Because we have nothing in common and every one of your values makes my skin crawl.
Well now I'm a successful businesswoman who owns a multibillion dollar company and if I wanted to, I could airdrop gallons of cash into the lake and still make a profit!
I work at Wal-Mart.

 

by ivytheplant
11-13-04
Nice day.
Yup.
Been a while since we've gone swimming.
Yup.
Check it out. The Titanic is raising itself out of the water from under us.
AAAAIIIIEEEE!!!!

 

by ivytheplant
11-13-04
Filing Clerk, VIP
And in other news, a violent storm of anarchy gripped the nation resulting in a new government, society, and alphabetical ordering.
Yegads!
MikeyG
Congratulations puppy! You can now have a long happy life without the burden of children!
Yenads!
kaufman
Check it out! The hottest new outfit to hit the mall! And it smells like rank dairy products!
I've got nothing...

 

by ivytheplant
11-13-04
Latios
Being a dumb fuck is now illegal in the United States. I sentence you to school. And we're cutting your balls off so you don't procreate.
OMG WTF!!!!11111!!!!11!!!11
SVKomix
Ditto.
nofair!!! my soldeirs will defeet yuo!!1111!
Eric The Angry Librarian
Your anger was getting out of control so we planted a chip in your head that forces you to be nice and cheerful to everyone. Also, meet your new coworkers, Latios and SVKomix.
"Death is the only way out."

 

by ivytheplant
11-14-04
Mr. Crankypants just filed a formal harassment complaint against me.
What did you do? Stalk him, slash his tires, leave severed bird heads in his mailbox?
I did laundry.
You bitch!
It was a 40-minute dryer cycle that ended before laundry hours are over.
You're just a little terrorist, aren't you?

 

by ivytheplant
11-14-04
So what are you going to do about Crankypants?
It's time I turned up the heat on him.
Slash his tires?
Nothing so blasé. I'm anonymously calling the fire inspector.
You might want to clean up this place a bit before you call.
The mop's in the cupboard under the sink. Call me when you're done.

 

by ivytheplant
11-14-04
Welcome to the hottest party in the country!
Damn, his tiny little place is actually huge and fabulous.
For new friends, I will give you whatever you want. For those who have been a thorn in my side, you get nothing! Ha ha ha ha haaaa!
You can't bribe me or make me want to be your friend. I don't even want a projection TV.
Hi, I'm Richard Dean Anderson and I'm a personal friend of the host.
Kill me now.

 

by ivytheplant
11-16-04
There are two responses to the following question:
Where's your arts and crafts?
Correct response:
Could you be more specific?
Incorrect response:
HAHAHAHAHA!

 

by ivytheplant
11-23-04
AAIIIEEEE!
??
What is it?
Just look at boorite's yard!
Egads! It's an affront to the community!
Let's get the pitchforks and torches.

 

by ivytheplant
11-23-04
This is embarassing.
Oh come on. It can't be that bad.
Easy for you to say. You don't have to wear it through the holidays.
Thousands of shoppers are going to see you, the least you could do is let me see.
Laugh and die.
Excuse me, I'll be in the next county.

 

by ivytheplant
11-23-04
That shopping cart will never hold all those flattened boxes.
Please. I've done this a hundred times. It's absolutely structurally sound!
I told you so.
Shuttup and help me find my spleen.

 

by ivytheplant
11-23-04
Cahd yah 'elp me weeth de cash rehgeestahr?
Sorry. Busy.
What's with the attitude?
I don't take orders from vendors.
"Scholastique" is her name, not her company. And she's a new assistant manager.
Excuse me. I need to go hide in the baler for the next decade.

 

by ivytheplant
11-23-04
Do ya have any more of them thar 'nflated Santas?
Not of that model, but I can sell you the demo for a discount.
Ya got yerself a deal, missy!
No problem, let me go deflate it.
WAAAHHHH!! You killed Santa!!!
I hate kids.

 

by ivytheplant
11-23-04
What the hell is that noise?
A chainsaw.
Okay, what the hell are you doing with a chainsaw?
Racing it.
You are my hero.
Hey look! It's made it all the way to the propane tanks!

 

by ivytheplant
11-24-04
All available associates please come to the Garden Center for our daily meeting!
Oh crap.
Haha! You're so screwed! There's no way you can get out of this meeting!
The Garden Center is a large place, my friend. And I, the Ninja Employee, am able to lurk within the shadows and not be seen by mortal eyes!
I've heard stories about you...
15 minutes later...
Give me a W!!...
Tools.

 

by ivytheplant
11-24-04
Hey Bob, can you--oh dear god!
Just a minute. I need to finish with these boxes.
Take your time. No hurry. Gotta run.
Weird kid.
It was horrible. Like a rift in the earth had opened up and was going to swallow cities!
Yeah, his plumber's butt is pretty brutal.

 

by ivytheplant
11-24-04
*stare*
???
*staring with the heat of a thousand tortured souls doomed to hell*
!!!
I met the Antichrist today.
You watch too many movies.

 

by ivytheplant
11-24-04
Please?
I really don't need anyone until the afternoon.
PleeeeEEEEE aaaaaaaAAAAAAse!
Okay, I'll see if I can schedule you for some overtime.
Why are you so desperate to work at 6am on Blitz Day?
I discovered how to make a flamethrower. I can't let that knowledge go to waste.

Showing page 16.

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