All comics by kaufman

Profile

 

by kaufman
4-12-02
Hello, my name is Jimmy ... and I'm a Cleese-aholic.
Hi, Jimmy.
Hello, my name is Jenny and ...
I'm a Cleese-aholic.
Not bad -- a full-extension Kartoffelmist followed by a spinning pas-de-lingerie. That IS a rather silly walk!
Red alert, red alert, get a team over here ... we've got slippage!

 

by kaufman
4-12-02
One L
Two Ls
Three Ls

 

by kaufman
4-12-02
I just discovered oxygen.

 

by kaufman
4-12-02
Ok, Scotty, beam me up.
I'm doin' the best I kin, Mr. Spock, but the tranporters a breakin the Cap'n in two!
I'm Captain Kirk.
No, I'm Captain Kirk!

 

by kaufman
4-15-02
This one can be yours for $325,600.
I ... don't think so. Let's see some more houses.
How about this one? What do you think?
This looks the same as the last one! Don't you have anything different to show?
You want different? Check it out. This one has a door!!

 

by kaufman
4-16-02
Ah, the joys of suburban living...
It may look like a microphone to you, but it's a lawn mower handle. Really.
It's springtime and the grass grows like beanstalks around here. I hope this mower can hold up to the stress.
kaufman will return this evening either with Mower #2, or with a drum of Agent Orange. Stay tuned.
AAAARRRRGGGHHHH! Blue Lawn of Death!

 

by kaufman
4-16-02
Look, Mary Poppins is sliding up the banister again.
And now she's sliding down again.
And now she's sliding up ... faster.
She really seems to be enjoying herself.
Wot's that she's doing with her umbrella now?
I think I heard Father calling it a Dick Van Dyke.

 

by kaufman
4-16-02
So what do you say I tie you to the bed?
Oh no, you're going to read poetry to me again. I hate that stuffy Whitman.
I promise, no Whitman tonight. I've got a new poet to read, someone I know you'll like.
Well, Ok.
Ahem ... wehn a man loves a women HE NALE'S THE FUCKIN BITCH
Ack! I'm sorry! More Whitman, please!

 

by kaufman
4-16-02
All right, men, we're ready to charge the English. Is everyone here? Angus? Fergus? Nessie? Nessie?
Hello?
Nessie, we're about to charge. Where the hell are you?
Sorry, Braveheart, my alarm clock didn't go off this morning.

 

by kaufman
4-16-02
Dein Amerikanischer Kartoffelhaemmeroidenflatulapuepenspigot ist wie ein Feuerbrot, Doktor Jones!
Oh great, that Nazi and that rock are gaining on me, and here I am unarmed.
Excuse me, Miss, could I borrow that whip for a second?

 

by kaufman
4-16-02
Good beans.
Pppppphhhhffhh
Pfffffffffffffttttt
Pppppppffffpppf
o/` BEEEER MAKES TIME DIIIIE!

 

by kaufman
4-17-02
Citing Jesus' life as a carpenter, the Vatican announced two new Deadly Sins: poorly mixing concrete, and hammering nails crookedly.
Oh great, that probably means two more gruesome murders.
It figures.
Ugh! This one is even worse than Sloth!

 

by kaufman
4-22-02
Just tell me why you did it. What made you kill my long-time partner?
Look, I was hungry. Haven't you ever felt famished?
But surely if there was one thing I'd taught you, it was that a hundred rotor turbines couldn't hold in a cowboy's innards by themselves.
Well, duh! But you never told me that his innards were held in by a large waffle cone.
And so you sucked that cone right out of his abdomen.
Of course I did. If there's one thing I know, it's that you don't bite a cone; otherwise the ice cream may spill.

 

by kaufman
4-22-02
Thank goodness we made it to Rivendell, Master Frodo. I can't wait to meet the Elves.
Me neither, Samwise, me neither.
Hey boy, don't just stand there, bring me a peanut butter sandwich and my pills. Thank you ver'much.
Gandalf, I thought you said we'd see Elves here, not Elvis!
I did say that, Frodo. You see, he had himself cloned.

 

by kaufman
4-23-02
Throughout the world, socialist movements are gaining momentum once again. Who is behind this resurgence in your country?
Elvis Presley.
And in your country?
Elvis Presley.
Why, that Elvis bloke has championed the rebirth of the socialist movement here..
Well, there you have it. From Asia to Africa to Great Britain, Elvis has built the left wing!

 

by kaufman
4-24-02
Of course I know where Elvis is. He's still living at Graceland.
Want proof? Let me show you this letter I sent, addressed to Elvis Presley, Graceland, Memphis TN, USA.
See? It came back marked RETURN TO SENDER!

 

by kaufman
4-24-02
I have come up with the authoritative translation of the Dead Sea Scrolls, which should bring to an end our theological debates.
The contents read as follows, and I quote:
Moh.

 

by kaufman
4-24-02
General, we are ready soldiers in the righteous War on Temperance.
But it is a tough battle. Our weapons have been watered down.
I actually found myself ... sober yesterday afternoon. I am feeling despair.
Relax, men. Our labs have been working on a devastating weapon that will turn the tide of this conflict.
Behold ... The "H" Bomb!

 

by kaufman
4-24-02
The Grenada campaign was sheer brilliance. We should do something like that.
I'll assemble our top military men, Mr. President, and ask each of them to pick some small island to attack.
My paratroopers will invade Long Island.
My undercover team will take care of the Falkland Islands.
I've got dibs on Gilligan's Island.
GENERAL LARENEG ATTACK ISLETS OF LANGERHANS ... SNEAK UP UPON THEM FROM BEHIND!!!

 

by kaufman
4-25-02
WAR ON MORONS! WAR ON MORONS! WAR ON MORONS! WAR ON MORONS!
WAR ON MORONS! WAR ON MORONS!WAR ON MORONS! WAR ON MORONS!
!
!

 

by kaufman
4-25-02
Tonight's top story: President Bush announced today that France has surrendered to the United States.
British Prime Minister Tony Blair decried the Bush announcement, claiming that France had surrendered to them hours before.
Before long, Germany, Switzerland, the Vatican and Malaysia, among others, claimed the rights to the French surrender.
Uh oh.

 

by kaufman
4-25-02
Tonight's top story: President Bush announced today that France has surrendered to the United States.
British Prime Minister Tony Blair decried the Bush announcement, claiming that France had surrendered to them hours before.
Before long, Germany, Switzerland, the Vatican and Malaysia, among others, claimed the rights to the French surrender.
Uh oh.

 

by kaufman
4-25-02
NO GOOD! We've got the male oppressing the female. Why does it have to all be heterosexual anyway? Give me two womyn!
Hey, honey, why don't you bring me a beer and we go for a roll in the hay?
Sure thing, sugarlips!
Ah, this is better, but it's too white. Give me some people of color!
Hey, honey, why don't you bring me a beer and we go for a roll in the hay?
Sure thing, sugarlips!
There we go! A nice wholesome comic.

 

by kaufman
4-26-02
Bartender, give me a Guinness. After a day of herding the Python freaks, I need to unwind.
And bring me a bourbon. I'm feeling like a bicycle out of water!
Hey, I know you, you're Misremembered Platitude Trout.
Well, the name is familiar, but I can't place the fins.
So what brings you up to this bar?
I swam, therefore I drink.

 

by kaufman
4-26-02
Hmmm ... a drunken fish slept here. And I can tell from the splinters on the bench that he mangled the "early to bed, early to rise" adage.
And next to him lay a small timepiece armed with a loud bell.
An alarm clock? Your powers of deduction are amazing, Squirrelock. Can you tell what happened to the fish when the clock went off?
Elementary, Bot-son, he was aroused. Verily aroused.

 

by kaufman
4-28-02
The Artists Produce
There we go. A fine batch of new characters, if I may say so myself. It will be a good crop this season!
The Commissioner presides over the Draft
With the first pick of the first round, Bazilla selects ... the Mst characters...
... With the 27th pick of the first round, fuzzyman picks ... Priest.
The (mon)Signing
You make 30 comics for me. In exchange, I give you $4,000,000, three trips to Rome, and two altar boys a week.
Make it five altar boys a fortnight, and you've got a deal.

 

by kaufman
4-28-02
I'm looking forward to making comics for you, Mr. fuzzyman.
I'm sure you'll do great, but let me set you straight on a few things.
I won't stand for mediocrity. We made the playoffs last year. This season I want to win more comic contests, win the Cup, be #1.
Look, I'm new here, so just tell me: WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO BE #1?
No, please, God, no!

 

by kaufman
4-28-02
The Priest's first Comic Contest ...
I'm afraid even you can't do anything to save me.
Relax, Super Britainman. I *do* speak Anglican.
... mentions to crabby, Big Evil Dan, DexX and Geniu$. But the winner is fuzzyman for "Super Britainman in Hell".
YES!!!!
The aftermath? A big bonus.
Sir, what happened to my room?
I filled it with holy water. Congratulations!

 

by kaufman
4-29-02
January ...
Tonight on StripCenter: Three wins in a month for fuzzyman, as the Priest brings in the laughs.
April ...
Major upset in the Comic Cup! fuzzy's slump continues, as he goes down in Round 1 in a landslide to a raw newcomer...
June ...
As the summer meetings get underway, rumors abound of trades involving skagg, fuzzyman, wirthling, ...
Hell no, I won't go! Wait a minute ... I don't have to!

 

by kaufman
4-29-02
At the Owners' Meetings in Monte Carlo ...
I'm interested in Captain Monosyllabic. How about Super Britainman and a Prop to be named later for him?
I really have no use for Super Britainman. However, your Priest would fit in well with my Jesus ...
Priest for the Captain straight up?
It's a deal!
Captain Monosyllabic, you've been traded to fuzzyman.
Damn.

 

by kaufman
4-29-02
I fulfilled my contract's terms months ago, so I should now be a free agent. fuzzyman can't just keep picking up my option, can he?
Not legally. That will be $500, please.
I intend to sue. Will you take my case?
Yes I will. That will be another $800.
Cripes, I haven't seen this many billings since I worked at the church next to that Cleveland strip club.
... And another $400 for setting up a cheap third panel gag for you.

 

by kaufman
4-29-02
The Court finds the stripcreator reserve clause unconstitutional, and hereby declares all characters whose contract has expired free agents.
As you know, Mr. Dan, I am now free to offer my services to the highest bidder. I think it would be a privilege to work for you.
I'm sorry. Right now, I'm only looking for physicists to round out my team.
The search comes up empty.
As you know, I am now free to offer ...
Meow? Meow meow meow!

 

by kaufman
4-29-02
It's no use, Tobor. No one but LadyJ will sign me.
The other owners won't give me the time of day. I'm being blackballed.
SINCE GABE TRADED TOBOR, TOBOR BEEN BLUEBALLED.
This isn't right. We characters should go on strike.
HEY, I HEAR THERE IS BOY SCOUT JAMBOREE IN DESERT2. WHAT SAY WE HAVE SOME FUN?

 

by kaufman
4-29-02
Hey you two, get out of there. We're on strike!

 

by kaufman
4-29-02
I'm getting killed by this strike. Maybe we should give in to the characters' demands.
Nonsense! People read the comics for the writing, not the characters. Let's make strips using scabs. They'll still buy it.
One day at the ranch...
So I said, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons themselves."
Ha, ha.
Ugh, that was awful. Did you really have to PICK them?
Sorry, LadyJ. It's just a nervous habit of mine.

 

by kaufman
4-29-02
Tonight on StripCenter: The strike is over. The characters are going back to work with all demands met.
All but one, that is ...
Today I am announcing my retirement from comic strips in order to spend more time with my family.
Wait a minute. Did he say famiy???

 

by kaufman
4-29-02
Tonight on StripCenter: The strike is over. The characters are going back to work with all demands met.
All but one, that is ...
Today I am announcing my retirement from comic strips in order to spend more time with my family.
Wait a minute. Did he say family???

 

by kaufman
4-29-02
Meanwhile, across town ...
I don't know these people. But this town needs more shotgun weddings.
Yo, man, I'll be giving away the bride. For $75/hour.
Wait a minute. I think it's the other way around. I'm the groom.
No you're not. I am!
BRRRRAAAAAPPP! I can't believe I ate the whole cake!
Uh, Alice, I don't think it's the GARDNER you're supposed to wrap around your thighs.

 

by kaufman
4-30-02
On duty: Alabama's Third Regiment...
Sir, I saw Wallace's troops rolling through Atlanta, Georgia; gonna go burn Tallahassee.
Ho, ho.
Well, them Floridians are Yankees. To arson!

 

by kaufman
4-30-02
Ladies and gentlemen: The President of the United States
This cowboy getup is a lie. I'm more of a preppie city slicker cowboy wannabe ...
This may be more honest, but the double-yew joke only goes so far. No, I need something new that will reflect the deeper, real me.
Ta da! What do you all think?
Great! So in 2000 we traded a dick in the mouth for a hand up the ass.

 

by kaufman
4-30-02
Hey mister, want a hand job?
Well, sure. How much?
I pay YOU five dollars. Just bend over and we'll get started.
Great!
And fit it on, and perfect. Now just hold that position for eight hours till the next shift arrives.

 

by kaufman
5-01-02
I'm sorry about the bleach, Superman; I'll sew you another uniform tonight.
That's Ok, Lois, but now duty calls. Someone's drinking in public. Up, up and away!
Great Scot!

 

by kaufman
5-01-02
dil - doe
dil - bert
the dil-dil art

 

by kaufman
5-01-02
What do Scotsmen wear under their kilts?
I don't know, but I know how we can find out. Put one in the toaster, and when he springs up, catch a peek.
... Sproing!
Now we know!

 

by kaufman
5-02-02
I did it!
And I live! You hear me? I LIVE!
Eat your heart out, Catherine the Obviously Not-So-Great.

 

by kaufman
5-03-02
1975
Larry's the best!
No, Curly is!
1995
Larry!
Curly!
2015
Moh!!
Moh!

 

by kaufman
5-03-02
The use of non-sequiturs is not only distracting, it suggests severe weakness in the argument of the one presenting it.
Pan-fried electric marshmallows can cause interruptions in the precession of the outer planets.
I don't know why you bring that up, but the gravitational, electromagnetic and frying effects really ought to be infinitesimal there.
Sunday, two lizards walked into a suitcase in Japan.
Oh my god, you are so right! They must be stopped.
Ha! I would say the use of non-sequiturs is not only distracting, it suggests severe weakness in the argument of the one presenting it.

 

by kaufman
5-03-02
Cosmopolitan? We border on TWO magnificent Canadian provinces. Your state doesn't even touch Prince Freaking Edward Island!
What does North Dakota have but ice fishing and missile silos? We have the Badlands, Mount Rushmore, Crazy Horse, ...
... , Wall Drug, the Corn Palace -- you reek of tackiness. Our capital is named after a war hero. South Dakota's? After some wimpy French guy.
Hey, be fair. I think it was named after the discoverer's poodle.
Oh, and another thing. Did you know that for two decades, there's been tons of evidence on the Internet that North Dakota doesn't even exist? Go ahead, look it up!

 

by kaufman
5-03-02
Thank goodness you came by to "drink some Scotch". I hadn't gotten any in ages!
You've got to be kidding? I know for a fact that lara7, fuzzyman, kaufman, maybe even wirthling would gladly take care of your needs.
Well, sure, but I'd never let any of them get their lips near my "decanter". After all, they're PUNNERS.
So what? I'm sure kaufman wouldn't be so crude as to rattle off one of his stinkers just as your glass is foaming over ...
It's not that. Don't you know the pun is the lowest form of hummer?

 

by kaufman
5-06-02
I said judging will be Sunday night, and I'm true to my word. Just because the site was down is no excuse. Judging will be NEXT Sunday.
Are you nuts? They'll mutiny you. Just say you judged last night, post the winner now, and no one will be the wiser for it.
But the site was down. I haven't even see the newest entries. Picking a winner wouldn't be fair to crabby and Scyess.
Yeah, like you were going to pick them anyway. Just give it to fuzzyman already; you know you want to.
Why, I've had it with you. Take off! // No, YOU take off, hosehead!

Showing page 16.

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