All comics by jes_lawson

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by jes_lawson
11-03-05
Now Mr. _lawson, can you give me an example of "virtual inheritence"?
Sure.
This is when you spend all the money you think your deceased grandad's old record collection is worth.
Then your uncle gets them and sells them on eBay for a tenner, while you get a box of old tools and a huge credit card bill.

 

by jes_lawson
11-03-05
Next question. Have you ever used templates?
Oh yeah! We had some cool templates to draw around, back in primary school. We had a car, a house...
No, I meant in the context of C++ and STL.
Woah now! I had an STL test last year and it turns out I wasn't HIV+ so I don't think I'm C++ either.
I think we'll move swiftly on...
They shoved this big plastic rod down my...

 

by jes_lawson
11-03-05
OK, quick questions. What does the keyword "explicit" mean?
That the code is X-rated, and may produce violence, foul language and sexual frustration.
What does a function pointer do and what does it look like?
That's the guy who shows you where to sit at a posh dinner reception. He usually wears a butler's outfit.
Thankyou Mr. _lawson, that'll be all.
Aren't you going to ask about polymorphism? I've written some fanfic about Mystique from X-Men, I was gonna read it out!

 

How was the interview at the X-Ray machine factory?
Illuminating.
by jes_lawson, 11-04-05

 

by jes_lawson
11-12-05
The Hammersmith Palais can kiss my arse in the future!

 

by jes_lawson
11-12-05
I took my new lady and her kid to Colchester Zoo.
Did you enjoy it?
It was terrible - there was only one dog there.
It was a Shit Zoo.
Fuck off, Jes.

 

by jes_lawson
11-13-05
What do you call a judge with no thumbs?
Justice Fingers

 

George Best 1946-2005. RIP.
There's nothing more that we can do for him now. Nurse, go and fill the IV with vodka.
It's...it's what he would want.
by jes_lawson, 11-25-05

 

by jes_lawson
12-26-05
I got one of those George Formby grills for christmas.
Don't you mean George Foreman?
No, this one is made to an authentic Lancashire WW2 design and is shaped like a ukelele.
I'm gonna make some steaks on them.
How are the steaks?
Turned out nice again.

 

by jes_lawson
1-18-06
So my horoscope today read "You will be relieved to find out that you are not a man capable of repeatedly anally raping someone"
However...
"You will be horrified by the manner in which you discover a woman who is"

 

by jes_lawson
2-12-06
At the Winter Olympics, just in are the results of the men's biathlon are in.
This is, you'll remember, a 50km ski across country coupled with a small calibre rifle shooting event.
The Danish competitor was a record breaking first, closely pursued by the Iranian and the Syrian.

 

by jes_lawson
2-28-06
We need a play so bad, so offensive, it's sure to flop!
What about the disco musical about Edgar Dillinger McMillan?
Who?
You know, the crazy guy from New Jersey who tried to skin Sammy Davis Jr. alive?
What's it called?
Flay that Funky Jew, Sick White Boy.

 

by jes_lawson
4-13-06
Let's see, a pop-up..."Click here if you hate Liberals" I've got a "Yes" button and a "Sure do" button...
Why when I search for Dixie Chicks do I get redirected to an UnAmerican Activities site?
When the hell did I add Bill O'Reilly and Tom DeLay as my friends?

 

by jes_lawson
4-15-06
Doctor! Another patient just came in with the same severe respiratory problems as the other 5 today!
Nurse, this is beginning to look like an epidemic. Were there any common factors in these cases?
All the patients had been drinking French mineral water.
Oh my God! It's worse than I thought!
Doctor?
Contact Disease Control immediatley! We have an outbreak of Evian 'flu!

 

by jes_lawson
12-20-06

 

by jes_lawson
12-20-06
I'm pretty rusty on the old topical humour front.
But not to worry - Wikipedia provides all the current events ripe for parody, on a single website!
Hey Jes, some footballers are taking a boat ride, wanna come?
Awesome! So who are they? Gabriel Batistuta? Patrick Viera? Francesco Totti?
No, it's Frederico Crescentini, Allesio Ferramosca, and Riccardo Neri. Also, cheese is 4 FAGZORZ!
I'd..better skip that and try again...

 

by jes_lawson
12-20-06
I'm going to Ipswich to play rugby, wanna come along?
Sure. What position would I be playing in?
I hear they're short of prostitutes....

 

by jes_lawson
12-23-06
Skeeba-dabba-dooba-ze-bop-dap-ba-durl!
We're getting happy and festive without a care in the world!
Wrappin' Dancin! Dashin'! Prancin! Scoobee-dibidee- be bop, Kwanzanativitah Jive!
Wrappin' Dancin! Dashin'! Prancin! Scoobee-dibidee- be bop, Kwanzanativitah Jive!
How was that?
For an old bearded recluse, with access to all the world's kids, you've got some weird ideas about what a gay scat film is.

 

Ow! I Feel not Good!
by jes_lawson, 12-29-06

 

by jes_lawson
1-06-07
02/01/07
Im sorry I didnt get to see you yesterday...
Im still hungover after last night
Regards Saddam.

 

by jes_lawson
2-17-07
Hello, A.A.? I've broken down on the M4!
Congratulations, you've taken the first steps on the road to recovery!
How long do you think it'll take to get here?
The rebuilding process could take years, and is a slow and often painful...
What kind of breakdown service is this? I only need you to replace a fan belt!
Is it really your fan belt that's broken, or is it that you can't admit to being an alcoholic?

 

by jes_lawson
2-19-07
Congratulations Mr. _lawson, here are the keys to your new apartment!
Hot Steaming Diggety Damn! I've been waiting for this for months!
What the...
About bloody time! I've been waiting ages to infest your trash-pile of a bachelor pad!
But..but I haven't even moved in yet!
And yet you've still somehow managed to spill hoi-sin sauce into the receiver of your telephone! How is that even possible?

 

by jes_lawson
2-22-07
In the news, £500,000 has been recovered after an attempted embezzlement was foiled.
The money was found hidden in crates of Strongbow, Olde English and Scrumpy Jack.
Police think it was an in-cider job.

 

by jes_lawson
2-28-07
Roostericus...appearicus!
Hey Hermione! Come and take a look at this!
What a let down! Do you think we saw the right one?
Maybe there was some other play on tonight where Harry Potter gets his cock out...

 

by jes_lawson
3-02-07
Are you sure you're ready to meet my ex, honey?
Fiancé-chan, he is still your oldest friend, and I shall respect him no matter what.
Oh that's so cool of you! Hey Jack!

 

by jes_lawson
3-06-07
Man, this would be a lot easier if my legs weren't encased in concrete.

 

by jes_lawson
3-14-07
ITV Play, the late-night phone-in competition TV channel was dramatically axed today!
The premium rate call-in quiz station was caught running unwinnable fraudulent competitions!
Channel 6 will pay $30000 for your views! Call in now and pick the option that best describes ITV!

A - a variety of banana.

B - Rawlplugs

C - Kajun Firefly, with the dildo, in the conservatory
D - Approximately 22/7

E - Quark Fizzigog Netherlands

F - A Television station
Lines are now "open"!

Calls cost no more than £3 per minute.

 

by jes_lawson
3-14-07
Aaaand our lucky One Ring Giveaway caller is Gollum, who has three guesses:

What have I got in my pocket?
What has it gots in its pockets, precious?
It's dead easy it is!
Your hands!

Rawlplugs!

The One Ring?
Uh...Great guesses there caller, but the answer was

z) 229!

 

by jes_lawson
3-23-07
Hey did you hear about Bob Woolmer being murdered?
Yeah, a fat aging former international cricketer gets whacked and it's not Shane Warne. Damn!
Wonder who could have done it and why?
What's wrong Mr. Flintoff?
Y'seen Bob Woolmer? It's his round and he'd better pay up this time or else...

 

by jes_lawson
3-23-07
Hey did you hear Pakistan cricket coach Bob Woolmer was murdered?
You know I did!
Bet it was some fan pissed off because they lost to a part time team like Ireland!
I'm not so sure...
Good Lord! Who would have believed Inzaman-ul-Haq is really Osama Bin Laden? I've got to tell the world!

 

by jes_lawson
3-27-07
We've reached new depths of squalor. I had to make a cup of tea in a pint glass and...what are you doing?
Buttering a flour tortilla. We've no clean dishes left so...
That's it, we're going for a curry.
The Indian Ocean overlooks a gym, we can watch foxy Boxcercisers while we eat, we should go there.
AUGH! That fat woman on a bike! It's like two fleshy zeppelins, fighting for supremacy!
I'm so glad I can't see this.

 

by jes_lawson
4-14-07
Hey! I was trying on the Gucci boots and they're perfect! How much?
Yes madam, they're...say, what's that smell?
OK, I admit it! When I was trying them on, I kind of... broke wind.
In that case, I can't tell you the price.
Why not?
If you farted trying them on, you'll shit yourself when I tell you how much they cost.

 

You've already got your own comic, feck off!
by jes_lawson, 4-20-07

 

May the 4th be with you!
by jes_lawson, 5-04-07

 

by jes_lawson
5-10-07
My screenplay is an epic gorefest involving rival telekinetics with literally mindblowing powers!
Go on...
In the best remebered scene, our hero uses his mind powers on a guy he sees on TV. Slowly, the TV guy begins to lose it, and then..
His head explodes!
No, he opens a metallic and shitty tasting can of overpriced warm French lager. AGAINST HIS WILL!

 

by jes_lawson
5-23-07
Dude, do you want a free copy of this first person shooter I helped to program?
Of course, man! What's it called?
Rainbow Six: Vegas
Hrmm....
Captain! Nagging resistance from the seniors on the crap tables, and Sgt. Rockwell's having trouble doing the high kicks wearing body armour!
Assemble a strike team of Elvis impersonators! Nothing must stop us from putting on the most faaabulous show in Delta Force history!

 

by jes_lawson
5-28-07
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
No?
She worked it out with a pencil.

 

by jes_lawson
6-20-07
I like what you've done with your jumpsuit. Dirty Protest Brown and Gitmo Orange really works!
Like, helloooo? I spilled cocaine and champagne truffles on it! I'll have to throw it out, and the other ten pairs too. Gah! It's SO 2005!
So what's the plan?
Daddy buys me out tomorrow, then I cash in writing about my 48 hours among the B.O.-ridden, scabid fashion-senseless loser prison population.
Word to the wise, bitch, shanks are this year's must have accessory...
Like I'd be caught dead wearing anything with lots of big red stains...

 

by jes_lawson
7-10-07

 

Sorry Jim, but until you decrease turnover in your RedShirt division there's a freeze on new hires.
Damn, and I had a new blonde yeoman all set to start sucking me...I mean start on Monday!
by jes_lawson, 7-18-07

 

by jes_lawson
7-22-07
We've identified the unusual growth up the president's ass
And?
It's his head.

 

by jes_lawson
8-06-07
Who let the dogs out? Who! Who, Who, Who!
Ving Rhames.

 

by jes_lawson
8-29-07
I'm sorry Mr. Knight, we're going to have to let you go.
Forsooth! Privy, why, good boss?
Let's just say your telesales manner isn't the most...um...audible or intelligible?
Odds bodkins, this tis about my helm, isn't it? I am a proud Adventurer-American sir! You can't fire me, verily I doth quit thy racist serfhole!
Dammit. What to do for money now? I wonder if ye olde adventuring gang are still about?

 

by jes_lawson
8-29-07
Verily Mage! Fancy thou getting ye olde adventuring gang back together?
Sorry Knighty, but I don't do that any more. I'm a marketing consultant now.
But think of the gold! The wealth! The fame! The fortune! Think of the fate of the world!
Not interested.
Think of the children!
*sigh*...for them, I'll do anything. But I warn you, I'm not allowed within 500 feet of a school since the court order.

 

by jes_lawson
9-06-07
So Ranger, didst thou find ye Fairye and Ye Viking?
Fraid not, Knighty, but we came to this donkey sanctuary for a reason.
Surely thou dost not suggest we recruit ye flatulent Steed again!
Actually no, we're here to pick up my new Fireblade from the other guy who's joining us - he's giving me discount if we bring him along.
God's teeth!
Hey there, the name's Frank. So, you guys are adventurers huh? That's pretty lame! Come on, let's go to the pub!

 

by jes_lawson
9-13-07
Quick, I need her number! I've...ah, I've got a pencil, this'll do...
Ah, the Pencil! With its inbuilt lead and eraser, it has the same Edit and Delete-like features of a Microsoft Word, or Textpad variant!
Contrast: the mighty ballpoint pen! With its Adobe PDF-like permanence and professional feel!
So when do you lose your job again?
This Friday.

 

by jes_lawson
9-18-07
Underworld
Verily good wench! Know where I can find some monster-slaying or questing work?
Nice costume! Did you get it from Camden High Street?
The Dog and Duck
Ye Gods! Are there no taverns where an adventurer might hope to earn an honest coin for a day's work?
Did you see the match? Spurs were fucking terrible!
The Prancing Pony
Ye Bingo!
And then I found out she was cheating on me! With an Orc!

 

by jes_lawson
9-18-07
I'm not so sure about this, Knight! I'd really rather do some bar work, pick up shopping for the housebound, that sort of thing
Nonsense! Where's your sense of fun?
Listen fucktards, there's some Dark Elf over here says he has a simple paternity case he wants us to take. Says he'll pay us good money.
Well...I'm still going to look for other work while we're here!
Suit thyself. But buy ye not that TV from the vagrant by the fruit machine, methinks tis nicked.

 

by jes_lawson
9-18-07
Greetins' Ranger! Y'all interested in some questin'? Happens I lost my antique reading glasses last week on vacation.
And you want us to go and find them? No problem! Whereabouts?
Most likely they're still in my old room at the Birmingham Airport Novotel!
That shouldn't be hard to find. Great! A nice normal quest for a change! Hey, Knighty!...
Or did I leave them in the abandoned troll mine? Hrm...
Ah shit...never mind!

 

by jes_lawson
9-18-07
So what's the plan this time, Parkour?
It's perfect, Mikey. It'll not only get us out of detention, but it'll win me the lovely Sloane's heart AND make us the coolest kids in class!
And it is...?
We vault the desk, run along the top of the lockers, slide down the stairwell bannister, out the gym skylight, then along the roof of the main Rec to freedom!
Ah, shit. Forgot about those loose tiles above the fourth floor Math room didn't you?
Shut up and find my lungs...

Showing page 17.

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