All comics by biped

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by biped
1-07-05
Thanks for coming. Are you sure you weren't followed?
Of course!
Wait a minute... how do I know you're not a fed!
How do I know you're not?
FREEZE, MOTHERFUCKERS!
Oh, SHIT! It's AGENT GRANNY!

 

by biped
1-07-05
Thanks for coming. Are you sure you weren't followed?
Of course!
Wait a minute... how do I know you're not a fairy!
*POOF!* YOU GUESSED IT, ASSHOLE!
*POOF!* SURPRISE! BRING IT ON , FUCKER!
GRR! THIS WAND'S GOING RIGHT UP YOUR FUCKIN' ASS!

 

by biped
1-07-05
Thanks for coming. Are you sure you weren't followed?
Of course!
Wait a minute... how do I know you're not a fed!
How do I know you're not?
Well, because I -- OMFG! I just turned into a chick!
Me, too! Hey, let's go masturbate to ourselves!

 

by biped
1-08-05
"HEE HAW!!! ME GET CHAINSAW AND KILL YOU WITH IT!!!"
"NO, DOG-ON-BALL, NO!!! NOOO!!! OH, MY G-- YAAAAAHHHH!!!!!"
Lester! A dog on a ball just sawed Jay Leno's head off!

 

by biped
1-08-05
Hold it right there, Dog-On-Ball! You're wanted for the first-degree murder of Jay Leno!
GRRRRR!!! ME NOT RECOGNIZE YOUR AUTHORITY TO ARREST DOG-ON-BALL, BUTTFACE!!! BEEP-BEEP!!!
And then he... he said I didn't have the authority to... to arrest him... *choke*
It's all right, dear... I'm sure you'll be able to achieve an erection again in no time...
HEE-HAW!!! ME SURPRISE HOUSEGUEST!!! WHERE ME SUPPOSED TO POOP, OFFICER LIMP-DICK? MEOW-MEOW!!!
NO!!! NOOOOOO!!!

 

by biped
1-08-05
ME WANT MORE EGGS, BACON, AND WAFFLES!!! HURRY UP AND COOK MORE, BIG FAT UGLY BITCH-HOG!!! WOOF-WOOF!!!
B-but we don't have any more! You've already devoured hundreds of dollars worth of --
SHUT UP, BUTTFACE!!! ME STILL HUNGRY!!! ME KILL YOUR CHILDREN AND WOLF THEM DOWN NOW!!! BEEP-BEEP!!!
No! No! I'll go out and beg for more food! I'll...I'll prostitute myself on the street corner! Just leave Bobby and Sally alone!
You're under arrest for -- DORIS! What the hell are YOU doing here?
Oh, BILL! *sob* I had to give a WINO a BLOWJOB for some fucking WAFFLES!

 

by biped
1-08-05
I've HAD it, Dog-On-Ball! You've turned my life into a LIVING NIGHTMARE! PLEASE go away!
NO!!! ME ALREADY MARK TERRORITY ALL OVER HOUSE!!! TRANSLATION -- ME PEE-PEED IN IT!!! HEE-HAW!!!
Bill, I -- OH MY GOD!!! NO!!! NOOOOOO!!!
Well, the bullet didn't kill him -- but I'm afraid he's going to be a vegetable.
My...my husband's a vegetable! And my house... my house is drenched with dog urine!

 

by biped
1-08-05
HEE-HAW!!! ME YOUR HUSBAND NOW, BUTTFACE!!! LET'S FUCK!!! BOING-BWOING!!!
OH MY GOD, NO!!!
OOPS!!! ME ATE BOBBY AND SALLY!!! MEOW!!! THEM SURE TASTED GOOD!!! NOW FIX ME SOME DESSERT, STUPID!!!
BOBBY!!! SALLY!!! NO!!! OH, WAH-HAH-HAAAAAA!!! *SOB!!!*
Later...
I...like...the pretty... coloring book... Mommy... *slobber*
I...fuck...doggies... for...waffles... ha, ha...ha... *drool*

 

by biped
1-10-05
What are you doing, dear? It's a bit past your --
Shut up, Mom, or the tiny Mel Gibsons won't appear.
The tiny...Mel Gibsons?
Any second now, my whole desk will be crawling with 'em.
Honey, I --
Mom, your persistent interference hurts birds in space.

 

by biped
1-11-05
Howdy, my name's Jim.
Cool. Go fuck yourself, Jim.
*sigh* I just can't seem to fit in here in the big city.
Try a clown, Jim! Clowns always help people fit in!
Later...
I've tried clown after clown. You're my last hope, Goobles.
Floobity-bloobity! Hey look, everybody, it's Jim! Gloppity-gloop-bloop!

 

by biped
1-11-05
Well, well. Looks like Mr. Big Fancy City-Slicker's come crawling back to Hicksville.
I couldn't fit in there. I tried clown after clown. I swear, I tried a HUNDRED clowns!

 

by biped
1-11-05
Well, that's the last we'll see of her for awhile.

 

by biped
1-11-05
Bloppity-bloop! Hey lady, have you met Jim yet? Gooble-dee-gobble!
Well...you're not our usual type. But we are short a dancer tonight.
WOO-HOO!!! TAKE IT OFF!!!

 

by biped
1-11-05
Oh...it's you. Boy, you really steered me wrong about clowns.
"Clowns"? I didn't say "clowns." I said "coyotes." You must've heard me wrong, Jim.
BUH-WOOOOOO!!! WUH-WUH-WOOOOOOOO!!!
That was quick.
Well, I ran out of coyotes.

 

by biped
1-11-05
BUH-WOOOOOO!!! WUH-WUH-WOOOOOOOO!!!

 

by biped
1-12-05
I'm Johnny Funerals. Dey call me dat cuz I like goin' tah funerals.
Oh, my. Well, that's splendid, I suppose.
I'm lookin' forward tah a really good eulogy, Faddah. Uddahwise, I'll have yah legs broken.
Oh, dear.
An' pull yah dick out, too. I wanna see yah dick floppin' around while yah up heah yappin'.
Is...is that totally non-negotiable?

 

by biped
1-12-05
(OH, my GOD! Father O'Mallard's DICK is hanging out!)
Milton J. Ellis was a wonderful man...
(I can't believe this! Doesn't he KNOW?)
...a fine husband and father...a loyal friend...
(Psst... Father... your, uh, "penis" is...)
(Shh! Not now, Booger!) He was a devout Catholic...

 

by biped
1-12-05
Psst! Father O'Mallard! Your dick--
HE WAS A SAINT...A PRINCE AMONG MEN...
Dick!!! DICK!!!
GENEROUS! CARING! A TRUE SAMARITAN!
FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! YOUR DICK!!! YOUR DICK IS HANGING OUT!!!
I KNOW MY DICK IS HANGING OUT, MOTHER!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

 

by biped
1-12-05
And thus concludes the eulogy. Please excuse me.
I...I hope that was satisfactory, Mr. Funerals.
Was it evah! I want you an' yah muddah should come down tah dah club and reenact it for da boys.
HA HA HA HA!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!
I KNOW MY DICK IS HANGING OUT, MOTHER!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

 

by biped
1-12-05
"I KNOW MY DICK IS HANGING OUT, MOTHER!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!"
We'll make a killin' wit dis act! It's sweepin' da country!
Say it, Father O'Mallard! Come on! Our entire viewing audience wants you to say it! And pull your dick out, too!
I...well...if that's what everyone wants...I KNOW MY DICK IS HANGING OUT, MOTHER!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
Why can't I play myself in the sitcom like you and your mom?
Because Mr. Funerals is Tony Danza's godfather, Booger.

 

by biped
1-12-05
And now, it's time for another zany episode of... "Hangin' Out With Father O'Mallard"!
Your dick was hanging out during your audience with the Pope today, dear.
I KNOW MY DICK WAS HANGING OUT, MOTHER!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
I wish Mr. Funerals would let me quit show business now. My credibility as a priest --
Bless you, Father. Your dick has brought my family back to the church.
Well, Booger, I guess my dick finally has a worthwhile purpose in life.
Wow! I just use mine to jerk off to pictures of Wonder Woman.

 

by biped
1-12-05
You're probably wondering why I called you here. The murderer of Lord Bunbury is right in this room. Is it his wastrel son, Lord Bunbury, Jr., who needed his inheritance to pay off debts?
Is it his upstairs maid, with whom he shared one night of love thirty years ago that resulted in issue? Is it that issue, who arrived here just last night on a boat from Inja? Is it Lady Marbury?
Is it her brother, the Duke of Earl, or one of the rent boys he regularly hires? Is it Rickets, the chauffeur with the shady past? Is it Pierre LeCirque, international art forger and blackmailer?
Or was it, mayhaps, someone else? I think the answer will surprise most of you just as much as it surprised me when I realized it. The murderer of Lord Bunbury is-- GREAT SCOTT! THE LIGHTS! AAHH!!
See, I told ya! Underneath that disguise, the "inspector" was really just a coyote all along!
You BASTARD!

 

by biped
1-14-05
You're probably wondering why I called you here. The murderer of Lord Bunbury is right in this room. Is it his wastrel son, Lord Bunbury, Jr., who needed his inheritance to pay off debts?
Is it his upstairs maid, with whom he shared one night of love thirty years ago that resulted in issue? Is it that issue, who arrived here just last night on a boat from Inja? Is it Lady Bunbury?
Is it her brother, the Duke of Earl, or one of the rent boys he regularly hires? Is it Rickets, the chauffeur with the shady past? Is it Pierre LeCirque, international art forger and blackmailer?
Or was it, mayhaps, someone else? I think the answer will surprise most of you just as much as it surprised me when I realized it. The murderer of Lord Bunbury is-- GREAT SCOTT! THE LIGHTS! AAHH!!
I keel inspectors for fun. But for a green card, I blow him up reeeal nice.

 

by biped
1-14-05
Push, Ms. Etheridge! PUSH!
Hey little dude...I'm David Crosby. Just wanted to be the first one to welcome you into the world.
WHAT? I haven't even been BORN yet, you fucking IDIOT!

 

by biped
1-17-05
Mommy, I want a space salad!
All right, dear. We'll go up into outer space right now.
What planet will have my space salad on it, Mommy?
I don't know, sweetie. We may have to search for a long, long time.
I don't think there are any space salads here, Mommy!
No, you're right, dear...this planet is barren...desolate...

 

by biped
1-17-05
SPACE SALAD! Get your delicious SPACE SALAD right here!
We were WRONG, Mommy! This man is selling SPACE SALADS!
NO, HONEY, NO!!! THAT'S HOW THE CREATURES LURE YOU IN AND -- OH MY GOD!!!
GGRRAAAARRR!!! CHOMP CHOMP!!! GULP!!!
She...*sob* she never got her space salad... *choke* and now she...never will... *gag*

 

by biped
1-17-05
You let me die, Mommy...
OH, NO!!! PLEASE DON'T HAUNT ME, SWEETIE!!! I...I COULDN'T HELP IT!!!
Come...descend with me into the pit, Mommy...your eternal torment awaits...
NO!!! OH MY GOD, BABY, NO!!! NOOOOO!!!
GRAAAR HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAAAR!!!!!
YAAAAAAAA!!!!!

 

by biped
1-17-05
YOU!!! YOU ATE MY LITTLE GIRL, YOU UNSPEAKABLE... CREEP!!!
Yeah? Well, she KILLED my ass! I didn't know I was allegeric to humans!
GOOD! It serves you RIGHT!
I HEARD THAT!!!
YAAAAAAAAAA!!!
GRAAAAAR HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAR!!!!

 

by biped
1-17-05
YAAAAAA -- huh?
Hi, Mommy!
Oh...oh, thank HEAVEN! It was all a DREAM...just a HORRIBLE DREAM!
NUH-UH, Mommy! THIS is just a dream! WAKE UP!
YAAAAAAAAA!!!
GRAAAAAR HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAR!!!!

 

by biped
1-18-05
LOOK, Mommy! It's a GIANT DICK!
SALLY! It's not nice to say that, just because the poor man is bald.
But he looked like a giant dick...
Sorry, mister. I meant to say you "have" a giant dick.

 

by biped
1-18-05
Sorry, baldy. I don't fuck guys what ain't got no hair.
Why, you fucking skank-ass whore...
...and she wouldn't fuck me -- just because I'm bald. Please, George... DO something.
Okay. I'll pass a law. I'll call it... "the mandatory you-gotta-fuck-bald-guys law."
...and the President made ME the Secretary of Homeland Bald Guy Fucking! So now you have to FUCK MY BRAINS OUT for FREE!
D'OH! And to think I VOTED for him!

 

by biped
1-20-05
MOMMY! MOMMY! The BALD man looks like a BIG, GIANT DICK!
SALLY! What did I TELL you?
I'm sorry, sir. I just don't know what's gotten into my little girl.
Hmm...maybe it was a BIG, GIANT DICK!
I wrote this play.
I added the part about the BIG, GIANT DICK!

 

by biped
1-20-05
Timber wolves, oh, timber wolves, laaa, laaa, laaa...
TIMBER WOOOLVVVES!!! YEAH-YEAH-YEAH!!!
Buh-WOOOOOO!!! WUH-WUH-WOOOOOOO!!!
Wait here -- I'll go get Bobby and Sally!
He...he's gone...
He would've stayed if you'd just played with his dick a little, dumbshit!

 

by biped
1-20-05
Timber wolf dicks, ohhh timber wolf dicks...
...we're the TIMBER WOLF DICK PARAAAAADE!!! HOT-CHA-CHAAA!!!
Hurry, please...we may just catch them before their little parade is over...
Buh-WOOOOOO!!! WUH-WUH-WOOOOOOOO!!!
I wonder where Mommy is?
FUCK Mom! She HATES timber wolves...and she hates US!

 

by biped
1-20-05
...so, I'll tie up the stupid clerk, and you pretend that you work there!
And I'll tell everybody that they should all love timber wolves! WHEEEEEEE!
Mister, you should love timber wolves! 'Cuz if you don't, you're just a BIG, FAT DUMBASS!
GUH -- I only wanted a fried peach turnover...
BOBBY! SALLY! Oh, I'm worried sick! Where on earth could they be?
Buh-WOOOOOO!!! WUH-WUH-WOOOOOOOO!!!

 

by biped
1-20-05
...and you wanted Bobby and Sally to see the timber wolf.
YES, officer! But it's always GONE! And when it comes BACK -- the CHILDREN have DISAPPEARED!
Oh, TIMBER WOOOOLVVVES! You should all worship TIMBER WOOOOLVVVES! La, la, la!
DON'T LISTEN TO THE PREACHER, EVERYBODY! HE'S A NON-TIMBER-WOLF-LOVIN' DUMBASS!
...it's HORRIBLE! They've TOTALLY DISRUPTED the evening worship service! And they've BLASPHEMED --
OH MY GOD, I'VE GOT TO GET THE TIMBER WOLF TO THAT CHURCH! TIMBER WOOOLF! OH, TIMBER WOOOOOOLF!

 

by biped
1-20-05
BOBBY! SALLY! I BROUGHT THE TIMBER WOLF, AND -- OH, SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU HORRIBLE PEOPLE!
Buh-WOOOOOO!!! WUH-WUH-WOOOOOOOO!!!
TIMBER WOOOLVVES! I HATE MOMMMMM! LA, LA, LA!
WE'RE THE TIMBER-WOLVES-I-HATE-MOM-PARAAAAADE!!! YEAH-YEAH-YEAH!!!
WHERE ON EARTH have you children BEEN? I had a TIMBER WOLF for you, and --
BULLSHIT, YOU STINKIN' LIAR!!!

 

by biped
1-20-05
You're NOT going out with Skutch tonight, young man! You're staying HOME and smoking DOPE and watching "2001" with your mother and me!
NO! I wanna go out and get DRUNK with SKUTCH!
FU'NG PARENTS!!! THEY SHUUD ALL BE FU'NG SLAUGHTERED LIKE PIGS, HNNNGH!!! SNORT!!!
You SAID it, Skutch! Boy, you're the COOLEST!
Ohhh, man...hey, where's what's-his-fuck? You know, the... fucking...uh, kid?
I don't know, but I DO know that HAL ain't gonna open them fucking pod bay doors!

 

by biped
1-20-05
Oh, ah lahks de flyin' babies, Miz Doris! Lawdy muhcy, ah sho' does lahks dem flyin' babies!
Ha, ha, that's nice, DeWilbur. Well, run along now, and tell Mrs. Mumphrey I said hello.
Ha, ha...oh, that DeWilbur. He sure does go on and on about how much he likes the flying babies.
Heh-heh, well -- wait a minute. "Flying babies"? Go lie down, Doris. I'm going to have a little talk with Eddie.
Eddie, did you put LSD in your mother's iced tea again?
No, Dad. Believe it or not, the flying babies aren't ALWAYS my fault.

 

by biped
1-20-05
So, Doris -- were they some kind of monster babies? Or, like, superhero babies? Or what?
No, Ed, they were just regular flying babies. Just like regular babies, only flying around.
Mrs. Mumphrey, my wife says that she and DeWilbur have been seeing flying babies. I'm very --
Oh, ah LAHKS de flyin' babies, Missuh Flonase! Dey sho is CUTE, dem flyin' babies!
Ah always tells Miz Doris dat ah sees de flyin' babies jus' lahk she do! Dat's nice, ain't it, Mammy?
It sho is, DeWilbur! You is a nice boy!

 

by biped
1-20-05
Oh, hello DeWilbur. Look, about these "flying babies" --
Oh, yeah! Ah sees 'em, jus' lahk Miz Doris do! Ah sees 'em flyin' all OVAH de place! Lawd hep, ah sho does!
Doctor...am I losing my mind...because I DON'T see the flying babies?
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by biped
1-20-05
FLY, babies! FLY, FLY, FLY, you cute little darlings! And watch out for CHICKEN HAWKS --
Doris, I'm having myself committed.
..and perhaps, after extensive, long-term therapy, I'll one day be able to see the flying babies, too.
Oh, ED! I'll be PRAYING for that wonderful day!
MY GOD, ED! HOW MUCH MORE OF THIS CAN YOU TAKE?
I DON'T SEE THE FLYING BABIES YET, DOCTOR! MORE SHOCK TREATMENT! MORE -- YAAARRGGGH!!!!

 

by biped
1-20-05
...and I can see flying babies all over the place now, boss. I'm so happy.
Yeah, well...err...it's great to have you back, Ed...heh, heh...
Lawdy muhcy, Mistuh Ed! It sho was fun watchin' de flyin' babies wit you an' de missus today!
Yes, ha-ha, well, come back soon, DeWilbur, and we'll watch them all day long.
I quit my job today, Doris...so you and I would have more time to -- FLY, babies! THAT'S it -- FLY! FLY! FLY!
There's MILLIONS of them now, Ed! BILLIONS of them! Enough to... to BLOT OUT the very SKY ITSELF!

 

by biped
1-21-05
kill, kill, kill...you
fight you...kill bad, you
me kill you...wizard
me fight, hurt, and kill...you
me invent this game
me add part about hurt, kill

 

by biped
1-21-05
hay you wanna party in the club
time to ride dog
ride a bike yall
were my dogs at
word em up yo
We will return to "VH1's Tribute To Missy Elliott" after this word from Tampax.

 

by biped
1-26-05
First, we eat the Mexican food.
Then it turns into shit!
Then we come in here and "take" a shit.
It smells real good, too! Especially mine!
Then we put the doodies in people's food when they aren't looking.
And that's how "Surprise Enchilada Day" was born!

 

by biped
2-03-05
I heard there was a new kid in school. Are you the new kid?
New...kid? (drool)
Hey, cool. I like the way you just drooled all over yourself, dude.
I have to... pee...pee..
Oh, MAN! You're whizzing all over yourself! And -- FUCK, did you just take a SHIT?
I gave teacher a...note...she is supposed to... wipe...me...(frrrt)

 

by biped
2-04-05
Bad...bad mommy...
No, Harcourt!!! NOOOOOOO!!!
That's the last time... she'll ever burn...my cheezy-weezy tots...

 

by biped
2-14-05
Oh, ah LAHKS dressin' up lahk Sammy Davis, Jr., Miz Doris! Lawdy muhcy, ah sho DOES lahks dressin' up lahk Sammy Davis, Jr.!
Ha, ha, that's nice, DeWilbur. Come back tomorrow and we'll have some more sex. Well, run along now, and tell Mrs. Mumphrey I said hello.
Did...did we have sex, Miz Doris?
Why yes, DeWilbur. Remember when you shuffled off to Buffalo? Well, I was Buffalo.
Oh...well...ah sho lahks dressin' up lahk Sammy Davis, Jr., Miz Doris...
Well, I enjoyed the sexual intercourse, DeWilbur. We'll do it again just as soon as you've replentished your sperm count.

 

by biped
2-14-05
Ohhh, de candy man caaaan...ohhh, de...lawdy muhcy, ah feels funny...
Mammy, ah thinks ah done had sex wiff Miz Doris!
Well...Miz Doris cain't have no babies wiff Mistuh Flonase on account o' him not havin' any "man-eggs"! So she prolly want summa yo' "man-eggs"!
Holy mackul, Mammy! Ah din't knows ah had "man-eggs"!
You sho' does, DeWilbur! An' won't Mistuh Flonase be suhprised when Miz Doris present him wiff a beautiful new black baby dat come from yo' "man-eggs"!

Showing page 18.

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