All comics by four_legged_tripod

Profile

 

Hello! I want to be petted. Get over here and pet me. I'm right here. I know you can see me.
Fine! Looks like I'm gonna have to come to you. I'll do it, but you'll pay for it!
Oh, yeah! Pet me bitch!
Seriously? Why do you always make me look at your asshole when I'm petting you?

 

What the hell happened to you?
It's my guardian angel. Everytime I'm about to do anything, he distracts me and I hurt myself. He's here if you want to meet him.
What's up pops?
He distracts you because he makes annoying 9 year old boy comments?
No. Because I'm a pedophile.

 

Kris? You in there?
Yep!
You gonna be long? I need to go.
Sorry honey.
I just settled down for a long winter's crap.

 

____________________________________________________________________
by four_legged_tripod, 10-21-14

 

Our email is full of porn spam. Any idea of why that is?
Well, I did give Conner the password to the parental blocker.
Are you stupid?! He's a horny 14 year old boy! He'd go straight to every dirty porno site there was!
Change the password and I promise I'll never give it to him again.
Dad? Mom's acting weird. She told me that she changed the computer passowrd and that you'd never give it to me again. But you never gave me the passowrd to start with.
Here's 20 bucks. Let's just forget the whole thing ever happened.

 

And on our left, you'll see our collection of 1990s memorabilia.
Including a swatch of Monica Lewinsky's blue dress.
______________________________________________________________________

 

Is this where the support group is meeting?
You bet! Welcome to RAPE!
Oh, is it an acronym for "Relationship Advice for Presbyterian Evangelicals"?
What's an acronym?

 

It keeps giving me this error message.
Looks like we've got an i.d.TEN.t. on our hands.
What is that? Some sort of I.T. acronym?
Sort of. Write it down and you'll figure it out. After that, just turn it off and turn it back on again.
I.D.I0.T. Huh. I don't get it.

 

Didn't you graduate from that Quaker college?
Yeah. I graduated from FUCK.
What?
Friends University of Central Kansas.
Oh, FUCK!

 

So... does mom have any money?
Were you not listening to me?
You have to work for it. You have to know how to get what you want.
Dad, I want to get into Sarah Allen's pants.
I don't think 20 bucks is going to get you there.

 

Come on guys! We need to get all of the Muppets together to help save this theatre!
Hey Fozzie!
Who are you?
I'm Mr. Washcloth.
Your puppeteer's hand is showing. If the kids see that or they see the strings, then the show loses it's magic.
Trust me, there's nothing more magical than the way I'm being fisted right now.

 

Dr. Grant! The dinosaurs are everywhere!
Just keep running kid!
Look! We can hide in that building. There's no way they can get in there!
Hi! Come on in. Can I get you some coffee? It's cray-cray out there.

 

It just does not seem fair.
No one should ever have to bury their daughter like we did.
Well I'm not gonna just cry about it. I made a statue of her and put her up in the front yard.
You did? What moment did you choose to immortalize?
The moment she walked in on us and I was eating pudding outta your asshole. You know, right before she died of that heart attack.

 

He play a kid named Pugsley, short and fat and ugly, he never won at Rugby. The Addams Family.
The spotlight he wasn't baskin', Hollywood it was type castin', then the Army came a askin'. The Addams Family.
And now he's six feet under, this poor one hit wonder, so what was his big blunder? The Addams Family.

 

Somewhere in Russia...
Comrade Rudolph, could you settle an arguement for me?
Sure. What about?
My husband said it was raining last night but I was sure I felt snow.
It was raining.
How can you be so sure?
Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.

 

Excuse me.
Yes sir?
There's a problem with my order.
And what problem is that sir?
You served my eggs benedict on a hub cap. Why?
Cuz there's no place like chrome for the hollandaise.

 

What's the difference between snowmen and snow women?
Uh...
Snowballs!
Yeah, well...
Are you finally going to shove that carrot up my ass or not?

 

Now you're a snowman.
Now you're a snow woman.
Now you're a snowman again.
Next time you take it off, no hands.

 

Now you're a snowman again.
Next time you take it off, no hands.
by four_legged_tripod, 1-05-15

 

Sir, the arcade has closed. You'll have to go home now.
This here be me home.
No, this here be an aracde. A closed arcade in fact.
See this here pile of change?
Yeah?
That there be the Captain's Quarters!

 

This has not ended well....
by four_legged_tripod, 1-16-15

 

If a man falls from a balcony and no one ever sees him,
how can you determine if he was pushed on purpose or fell by accident?
Hurry and make up your mind asshole! The pavement is getting closer by the second!

 

Why on earth did you kick your grandfather in the crotch?
I thought it would be funny.
You need to learn that there is a level of respect you need to give to others. And you really need to respect your elders.
Or at least his elderberries.

 

So I've read your resume and what you've told me is incongruent with what's on it.
What's that mean?
It means it does not fit. What you've told me does not fit with what your resume says.
Why didn't you just say so?
I did. Remember when I said "incongruent"?

 

So mommy thought it would be cute to put me in a diaper, give me a bow and arrow and have me shoot a large paper heart for Valentine's Day.
I ended up shooting daddy right through his head.
Why mommy told the police I was a bad shot, I'll never know.

 

So why is it that you were banned from the travel agency?
I went in one day and they had hamsters, guinea pigs and rats dressed up in costumes from around the world.
I stripped them all naked and fed them Alka Seltzers until they exploded.
Dude. That's messed up. Why would you do that?
I overheard one lady say, "Pop a nude guinea".

 

As the team mascot I've decided that I should be the one to dump the Gatorade on the coach, so I've loaded it in my squirting flower.
GAAAHHHHH!!!
You're not suppose to drink the Gatorade and piss it into your flower dumbass.

 

OH YES! Eat me you glorious bastard!
OK. You're turn to do me now.
Uh, I don't think so.
Why not?
You taste funny.

 

Congratulations! It's duodecaplets!
Twelve huh? That's cool.
You don't seemed surprised.
Not at all.
My wife is part clown car.

 

Ok. I got one.
Roach clip.

 

Geppetto, my girlfreind won't have sex with me anymore becuase she says I give her splinters.
Use this sand paper and everything should be better.
One week later...
So how are things with your girlfriend?
Who needs a girlfriend?

 

I feel like I've been trapped inside a man's body for far too long.
Then let's make you a woman.
I chose you becuase I've heard you're the best surgeon around.
Oh, I won't be doing the operation but the person doing it is very good and very experineced.
Who?
Lorena Bobbit.

 

When you wake up, you will feel like a woman.
I don't feel like a woman.
It seems I've cut the wrong head.

 

Hey chef. It's break time. You think I could go drink a bottle of apple juice.
Go right ahead.
Great Giuseppe's ghost! What happened?
I drank the whole bottle while standing in the walk-in cooler.
Why would you do that?
The bottle said, "Keep refrigerated".

 

That was probably the best sexual harrassment training I've ever been a part of.
Why, thank you.
I'd slap your ass and tell you "Good job"...
but you'd probably take it the wrong way.

 

Star Date: 02.27.15. I've awoken from hyperspace to find myself in a cloudy surrounding.
There appears to be some sort of harp music playing in the distance.
Welcome to heaven Leonard.
Well, this is highly illogical.

 

Hey, Crabby! That's not your same daughter from like 13 years ago is it?
Of course not. I regret having my picture taken with her though.
To keep up the same appearance I have to find a new baby every year or so.
Officer, I hope I'm not interrupting but I think I have some new information on that Casey Anthony case.

 

Hey, Crabby! That's not your same daughter from like 13 years ago is it?
Of course not. I regret having my picture taken with her though.
To keep up the same appearance I have to have a new baby every year or so.
Your wife must be exhausted having all of those kids.
Yeah.... Let's not tell my wife about all of my kids, okay?

 

Hey, Crabby! That's not your same daughter from like 13 years ago is it?
Of course not. It's actually a 90 year old man.
I've been taking care of people with Benjamin Button disease.
In fact, I think I hear a new arrival.
*WAAAAAAAHHH*

 

Hey, Crabby! That's not your same daughter from like 13 years ago is it?
Of course not. It's a doll that broke 13 years ago.
Super glue's a bitch.

 
You had yours stuffed too?
Yep.

 

ALIEN!!!
ALIEN!!!
I'm not an alien! You are!
Am not! You are! And I can prove it. On the count of three, we'll both take off our suits. 1... 2... 3!
Damn it!

 

I just banged your sister.
What???
BANG!
Want me to bang you too?

 

This wine is my blood. Drink of it and remember me.
Uh, Lord. This is just weird.
Peter, they will kill me soon, but I will rise again.
Uh, April Fool's was yesterday. But nice try.
Peter?
Just forget it. Have a good Friday.

 

He has risen!
Okay. I've seen it. Now put some pants on.

 

Huh.
This is not exactly what I expected,
from the Self Check Out line.

 

Excuse me but have you seen a little boy around here? Maybe you've heard about the Amber Alert?
Uh, no. Of course not. But on an unrelated note, is it true that a body will void its bowels once it has expired?
I suppose in the right circumstances. Why?
So I panicked, okay? On the plus side, I collected his farts in a jar when he died so we at least have a start on production.

 

Congrats on the new baby. What did you name her?
Penny.
After a coin? You know, you're not the first to do that.
Oh, I'm sure.
Yeah, in the 1800s someone named their kid after the Susan B. Anthony coin.

 

That'll be 45 cents.
Here's 50 cents.
And your change sir.
Wait. You just gave me a Nickleback CD.
Yes? What's wrong with that?
It's worth less than 5 cents!

 
by four_legged_tripod, 5-12-15

Showing page 18.

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