All comics by Ranger77

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by Ranger77
12-03-06
"BWAH-HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Chuck. If you're going to do this please get off the intercom.
You know he won't stop.
"BWAH-HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Chuck!
He can be rather childish.
"Dude. BWAH-HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Chuck, it's been a week since you saw those damn Britney Spears crotch pictures. Give it a rest. Geez.
This does bring up a valid question: Does Britney shave her own crotch? Interesting....

 

by Ranger77
12-04-06
You know looking at those pictures of Britney Spears caused me to, like, consider the high cost of fame and celebrity.
It did?
Yeah. Just because someone is, like, a singer or an actor does that mean that they deserve more scruity than just normal people like you and I?
Well, I'm not a person or anywhere near normal, but I have to say I'm surprised those pictures made you think those things.
Shit, dude. I'm just kidding. Those pictures made me realize that if you're feasting at the "Y", its better if the grass is mowed otherwise you'll be, like, picking hair out of your mouth later.
I have always thought of you as a Renaissance man, Chuck. Truly.

 

by Ranger77
12-04-06
Hey....let me talk to Britney. I need her to pose naked for my website.
Uh....no. Ms. Spears is not a model.
Come on. All she has to do is flash a bit of boob and bush and she'll get a paycheck. Not much effort involved.
Ms. Spears does not do porn for money.
Ah....my mistake. I guess she only does porn for attention.
Ma'am, it's only porn if her fingers or someone's tongue is down there. Otherwise, it's publicity. Deal with it.

 

by Ranger77
12-05-06
Who does that little hussy thinks she is anyway?? Her snatch is all over the internet!
Mom, you should have known that Britney Spears wouldn't pose for your porn site.
Yeah right. In the 80's I didn't wear any panties either. I did porn and was proud of it! My naked ass is still being viewed somewhere as we speak!
Medical textbooks don't count.
You get somekind of perverse pleasure out of insulting me don't you?
Usually.

 

by Ranger77
12-07-06
Honey, you have to get over this thing about me and my past. Besides you did porn yourself....
Only fetish stuff and with girls. No midgets. No bodiliy secretions. No midgets. No groups of ten or more. No midgets. No upside down sundaes. No black midgets named "Spoogey McGee."
He owns a Hyundai dealership now, I'll have you know.
Good for him.

 

by Ranger77
12-07-06
I wish you would stop running down my friends. Yes, we were a bit wild in the 80's, but the people I worked with were no more strange than your friends.
You can't top good old "Spoogey."
What about that one friend of yours that got his dick pierced?
Alot of people have tats and piercings nowadays, Mom.
Honey, if I remember correctly his actual name is Dick Pierce. This doesn't seem kind of....Oh, I don't know...FUCKED UP to you?
Against a three foot tall man selling Hyundais I'd say we're about even....

 

by Ranger77
12-08-06
Listen honey, let's just agree to disagree, ok?
Ok, Mom. I guess arguing is not going to solve anything. I guess you're right, but did you really expect Britney to appear on your porn site?
Yep! She's just showing her sexuality. It's criminal the way she's persecuted for just expressing the fact that she's an attractive woman and a sex object. She's just giving the public what they want.
So....I guess you're trying to get Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan to pose as well?
Fuck no! Those bitches are 'hoe-bags'.
Ah....

 

by Ranger77
12-09-06
B....I've got a problem with the latest strip.
I was expecting that you would.
Humor aside, we have to keep a certain level of decorum and integrity when we do our comic. Even when we are critical of someone or some thing.
Ok....
So with that in mind, is "hoe-bags" spelled with an 'e' and a hyphen?
I actually thought you added an "e" when the term "ho" is used with another noun. To be honest, the correct spelling of "ho" and any derivative like "hoe-bag" is still a matter of public debate.....

 

by Ranger77
12-15-06
I'm worried about, Chuck.
He'll be fine.
I don't know. That was a pretty serious thing he witnessed. Pretty scary.
He's a big boy. He'll get over it.
Personally I never expected Lindsey Lohan's vagina to actually look like a crushed corned beef sandwich either. It WAS rather shocking.
It was his own damn fault for getting "Crotchshot Fever" and trolling the internet for pics. He might not be able to go into a deli again but he'll be ok....

 

by Ranger77
12-15-06
Chuck, I heard you were in trouble and I came right over. Are you ok?
Yeah. I....guess. I really don't want to talk about it.
Chuck, we're friends. I know it didn't work out between us, but come on, there's nothing you can't share with me. I'm here for you. As a friend.
It's just....I mean....how can you whack off to Lindsey Lohan if her bunnyhole looks like that??!!
Ooookay. Hold that thought. I just remembered I've got 12 hours of Transformer episodes on DVD that I have to go through for....um....a class. I'll call you later.
I mean.... if you can't trust Hollywood skanks to have a hot, slammin' pussy, what can you expect from any other woman??

 

by Ranger77
12-15-06
Chuck....once again you're being silly.
Dude....did you, like, see what she had down there??!!
No one is perfect, Chuck. Some people treasure life's imprefections.
B. Seriously. Her snatch looked like a folded ham sandwich. I mean....geez, what would make her put THAT on display??
Actually it looked more like pastrami....you know, with the black edges....but that's beside the point....
Oh my God! *hurl* I'm SO, like, disillusioned!! *hurl*

 

by Ranger77
12-16-06
Why is everything so white in here....? Never mind. We have to figure out a way to 'fix' Chuck again. He's taking this Paris and Lindsey thing pretty hard.
B, you do realize how stupid this is don't you? Not everyone can be perfect. ESPECIALLY down there.
I know that and YOU know that, it's convincing Chuck that 's the issue.
Actually I find the whole thing insulting. Give me a break. Many women suffer from an oversized or asymmetrical labia minora. Most guys don't even care.
So I guess....um....yours is also.....
Uh...no. My stuff is symmetrical, beautiful AND normal. Unlike those alien meat pods looking things you 'boys' have been looking at. Ew.

 

by Ranger77
12-18-06
We've really been hard on Britney, Lindsey and Paris recently.
I was thinking that too.
It's easy to forget that so called "normal" people do stupid things too.
Yeah. Hey I got an idea! I'll troll the Internet and the first news story I find of somebody doing something stupid we'll post it. I wonder how long it will take?
Three minutes. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20061219/ap_on_fe_st/bad_crack (With a little help from IvyThePlant!)
Could you just repeat that again for me. I just want to make sure I have the story straight.
I don't know what the problem is, officer. Someone sold me some bad Crack. I want to file a report.

 

by Ranger77
12-19-06
Ma'am, you do realize you just admitted to me that you took part in an illegal activity. I'll have to arrest you.
I know, but that Crack is bad. Something should be done! I'm a citizen with a medical condition! I have an addiction! I have rights!
*sigh* Ok. I'll also have to confiscate these Crack vials and any you might have on you.
That was easy. Now I can stop doodling and get some lunch. Quad BK Stacker, here I come!

 

by Ranger77
12-19-06
Hello. The last couple of comics were VERY insensitive to-HOO those who suffer from drug addiction. As a rebuttal we would like to present this educational series.
We like to call it, "How to know when you have 'bad Crack.'" Let's look at this scenario.
Good day, kind sir. Perchance you have some of the fine concoction known as "Crack?"
Yea, verily. A sample of that fine rock will cost you two dollars, my friend. Stand fast while I gather it from the gentleman in yonder pimped SUV.
Obviously, the teen in blue is about to-Hoo purchase "bad crack." This is evident from the two dollar price. Do you agree?
Actually I thought they sounded like a couple of fags, but yeah, two bucks means the kid is buying baking soda in my book....

 

by Ranger77
12-20-06
Welcome back. We are continuing our discussion on drug addiction and how to-HOO spot "bad Crack" like the young woman did in that Yahoo story.
Here's another scenario we like to call: "Something's wrong with this shit!"
Kind sir, I do believe that the crack you sold me is substandard. The lift I usually get from consumption of the wonderful substance is woefully lacking.
Methinks you protest too much....
Yes. Well. I guess that speaks for itself.
Yeah....They're a couple of fuckin' freaks!

 

by Ranger77
12-21-06
Now we get to-HOO the most important part of our drug awareness series. Namely: "how do deal with being sold bad drugs."
Oh boy. I can't wait to see this one. Roll the tape.
You offend me sir with your ersatz consumable that you call "crack." It does not have even the kick of a pig from Bartholomew Fair! I feel I must smite thee!
Smite me if you must, but true it will be that my sword will find your heart as sure as the sun rises in the east. My blood boils in anger. My rage will be your end!
To-HOO be honest I'm not sure what the hell THAT was all about.
Wannabe Elizabethan actors, maybe? That might explain some of the gayness.

 

by Ranger77
12-24-06
Yahoo News (AP) 12/23/06
So this woman gets on a bus in Spokane and just starts handing out money to passengers. She leaves and no one knows who she was.
That's kinda cool.
Meanwhile George Clooney is having tea with UN folks about Sudan with camera crews, his publicist and makeup artists in tow.
Um....I don't get the joke.
There isn't one. Merry Christmas.
You might want to say "Happy Holidays." We still get emails from those Kwanzaa people....

 

by Ranger77
12-26-06
Oh great Christmas tree...can wishes really come true?
Young one, if you believe, truly believe in your heart in the Spirit of Christmas, all things are possible.
I'm glad. I was a bit worried. I was watching the news and....
Don't let the world get you down, lass. The media is evil. The Holiday Season is magical. Hold on to that and you'll feel what this time of year is all about.
Good. I need a Playstation 3 and a Wii and I....
Whoa, kid. Are you freakin' kidding me?!? Do yourself a favor and go sniff some markers or something.....geez.

 

by Ranger77
12-27-06
So no next gen game systems this Christmas, huh?
Dear child, Christmas isn't about commercialism. It's about celebrating the birth of Christ and being around friends and family.
I guess you're right. I'll see you later.
Ok. And remember, the media is evil. Don't believe the hype.
This message has been brought to you by Applebee's new Sizzilin' Chipotle Chicken entrees and Mountain Dew. Remember: "Do a Dew, before someone does you...."

 

by Ranger77
12-28-06
Well. That's it. Another holiday is over and I must fade into the mists of time until next year.
Ok, I'm being a bit over dramatic. The reality is I'll be going back into a dark storage closet....
You ready to go yet?
....ON THE MOON!!

 

by Ranger77
12-29-06
We'll be at the Moonbase in about two hours. You'll like it there in the horticulture lab. It's where were store all of our top secret sentient Christmas trees.
Yeah. Whatever.
NASA spent some primo dollars in establishing the base. Not many people know it exists. Probably because of all the cuttting edge projects we do.
We've sucessfully cloned a Turducken....
You got something to read around here?

 

by Ranger77
12-29-06
You might recognize me. I did some work in a superhero comic called "HeroVille." I played a "space guy."
You know, like Flash Gordon or Buck Rogers. I guess I got typecast again, huh? HAHAHAHA....
So....you want the latest issue of People or Time?
Maxim. The one with Lacey Chabert on the cover. I want to feel really old and creepy....

 

by Ranger77
12-29-06
I think this is where you're supposed to be.
*sigh* Really? Now what would make you think that?
Don't hurt yourself, kid....

 

by Ranger77
1-01-07
Well 2007 is upon us. Here's hoping we can build on the success of last year!
Given that we ended 2006 with a few strips on talking Christmas trees, meat cloning and secret NASA moonbases, that might not be possible.
We did get in a few good ones about Lindsay Lohan's crotch.
It's debatable whether there is anything 'good' about Lindsay Lohan's crotch.

 

by Ranger77
1-02-07
Friends...today I would like to talk about the most powerful entity in existence today. The minor.
'Sup. I'm young AND impressionable.
In order to relieve pesky responsibilities from distracted parents, rights have been violated, expression censored, laws manipulated and careers made on his presence.
Fear me.
You would be wise not to provoke his wrath. Or entertain him in any way.
An episode of Robot Chicken made me blow up a gas station last night.

 

by Ranger77
1-02-07
Nov 2001
Mr. President these things you want to do will really increase your powers, possibly contrary to the Constitution. How can we possibly justify this??
Come on, boy. That's simple. We're doin' it for the kids. Think about it.
Why that's brilliant! I never would have thought of that.
Yep. I come up with a good'un every now and then. Just keep bringing up the little 'pardners.' That's how we roll....
Actually I hear the Democratic Party is still claiming copyright infringement on the Bush administration's use of their "little pardners" tactic.
You know....if I kill someone today in cold blood, I'll be out of the lockup with a sealed record just in time to go to prom. That's so freakin' sweet, ain't it??

 

by Ranger77
1-02-07
We're in Coldwater, Michigan to get a more accurate read on parenting. Sir, does government has the responsibility to raise your child?
Hell YES! They need to get rid of those video games, them fag shows and those floozies on the TV.
Ah I see and I suppose you believe in gun control too since....
What the hell are you a communist? Shit no. I got my 10 year old a .50 Cal handgun for Xmas. He loves it. The boy even sleeps with it.
I see. How do you feel about....
Look here 'Birdie' this is gonna have to wait. My oldest just turned 16 and I got to take him to the Chicken Ranch and get him laid tonight after we kill this bottle of Jack Daniels.

 

by Ranger77
1-03-07
Redford, Michigan - The Morrison Academy
Your school is considered to be most to be the most innovative in the United States.
That's because we're all about self esteem. There are no grades here. We don't teach math because of computers, and young children are taught to read by symbols not phonics.
That's pretty controversial. Some might say extreme.
You need to be extreme if you want to guide a young one from being a "child" to that more desirable "c-word."
Citizen?
Uh...no. CONSUMER. It's a Global Economy. Have ya HEARD of it?? Goddess, help me with the non-thinkers I have to deal with....

 

by Ranger77
1-03-07
"In the interests of equal time we've invited Nancy Pelosi and Charles Schumer to comment on our recent strips...."
CHILDREN!!
COMPASSION AND CHILDREN! Feel it! Live it! Believe it! Eat it (if it doesn't contain trans fats)!
"Ok....can you clarify how the new Democratic majority will...."
Children, dammit!! You're either FOR us or AGAINST us!
What about "it takes a viliage" don't you understand, huh? You're all luddites with no gravitas!!
I must admit that was rather useless.
HA! Not for me. During all that bullshit I just huffed a can of Glade Botanicals! FUCK YEAH! WHERE MY BITCHES AT!!

 

by Ranger77
1-05-07
We're here. You really screwed things up, George. We're going to get things back on track.
You guys don't have a clue. You're weak and scattered, Nancy.
HAHAHAHA! We actually sounded convincing didn't we?
I think we're doing pretty good. Listen, can I borrow that illegal you got cleaning for you? Mine is on vacation this week....

 

by Ranger77
1-06-07
Heh.

 

by Ranger77
1-06-07
Um...yeah.
I'm just saying that you shouldn't automatically assume just because you see a WMD around here you should assume I had something to do with it.....

 

by Ranger77
1-06-07
Ivy says it's not hers. And I believe her.
I don't mean to be strange or anything but are you sure?
We do have a tendancy to blame her alot for these kind of things. It's not fair really. Besides she had a good point.
Yes...?
She asked me why would she fool around with missiles when orbital particle beam platforms are more fun.
Disturbing. But strangely enough, I am unable to argue with logic like that.

 

by Ranger77
1-06-07
You DO know there's a missile in the office.
Yep.
So....when's Ivy gonna get it out of here?
It's not hers. We're really not sure who it belongs to.
Ah. I guess, in that case, we are rather screwed.
Yep. But I just sent out an email and posted a flyer in the lunchroom.

 

by Ranger77
1-07-07
You've GOT to be kidding me. That missile belongs to YOU??
Yeah. A couple of weeks ago this huge hunk of metal crashes through my roof. Took out my Al Sharpton Chia Pet in the process. I WAS PISSED.
Go on....
Turns out it was a piece of a Russian rocket. I was so mad that I sent the damn thing back to Moscow postage due.
And they sent you a replacement missile?!?
They said it was an upgrade. Evidently the Customer Service department of the Russian military has won a bunch of J.D. Power awards. Go figure.

 

by Ranger77
1-07-07
What made you bring that missile into the office? I mean, didn't you think it might be a bit out of place?? That it might disrupt our normal work environment??
Well I....
Screw it. The thing says it has a paper jam and I can't find it. I'm going to Kinkos.
Yeah, that sucks. Hey did you hear about the missile Helena brought in? I'm tellin' you some weird ass shit happens up in here, man....
Enough with the cutscenes already!!
That reminds me, Chuck wanted me to tell you that the EPA called again and to please tell Ivy to stop parking her ATV in his parking space.

 

by Ranger77
1-08-07
You know, you were the LAST one I expected to do something like this....
I know, I know. But I couldn't keep it at my place. Besides here it's just another weapon laying around. I'll get rid of it tommorrow.
Thank goodness for that. You know how things get silly around here. The longer that thing stays here the greater the odds we'll hit surrealism.
Outside of the fact that I'm talking to a penguin about a Russian KH-59 missile I brought in to the place where I work, I doubt it.
No need to get personal.
You know how hard it is to FIND an Al Sharpton Chia Pet these days?? I hear Rosie O'Donnell has TWO! What a bitch.

 

by Ranger77
1-08-07
You're seem a bit jumpy over this whole missile issue. I don't understand why you are so agitated.
I can feel it. Something really screwed up is going to happen. I can feel it.
Given the other "screwed up" things that have happened here, I think you might be worrying yourself over nothing.
Nope. Not this time. I'm not going to get caught off guard on this one....
Next up, George Clooney and Rosie O'Donnell speak out for the disarmament of comic strips.
And later, "Jimmy Fallon: What the fuck....?!" Keep it locked in to UltraSuperInsider Edition at 10!

 

by Ranger77
1-08-07
Fearing an increase of comics with high explosive weapons, George Clooney met with the UN officials in West Palm Beach. Paris Hilton was rumored to appear.
Rosie O'Doonnel on the other hand, held a news conference in Detroit to promote the disarmament group: Comics Unilateral Nonproliferation Treaty Troopers also known as C.U.N.T.T....
Rest assured America, I am a CUNTT. I have always been a CUNTT and I will always be a CUNTT. I doubt if anyone can be a bigger supporter of being a CUNTT than I am.....
The world WANTS, dare I say, NEEDS more CUNTTs like me!
Somebody slap me.

 

by Ranger77
1-09-07
Naturally, "Straight-to-video" star Trey McTrevor drops by.....
If you didn't want any heat from my Hollywood friends you shouldn't have started, um, doing what you're doing.
Oh, really? And what exactly are we doing?
That thing. That thing that Rosie and George are against. That thing that you're doing.
Trey, just tell me what we're doing?? Prove to me you're not just some actor idiot who isn't seeking to build their own image by embracing a cause they really DON'T CARE ABOUT OR UNDERSTAND!!
They warned me you might use twisted logic to justify your....thing. The one that you're doing.
Your toupee is slipping.

 

by Ranger77
1-09-07
*sigh* I knew this would happen. Hollywood actors are protesting us....AGAIN. The FBI has opened an investigation and Hugo Chavez wants me to add him on MySpace. Insanity reigns.
I'm sorry, B. I really am. I didn't know bringing that missile to work would cause all these problems.
Actually I was thinking about this whole matter. Everything points to Rosie O'Donnell. Is it possible this was just some grand scheme to disgrace our strip and corner the Al Sharpton Chia Pet market?
Oh my God. You're right! This whole this could have been some brilliant plan from the start. I don't believe it. That bitch is an evil genius!
Actually, according to her press conference, she's a C.U.N.T.T.
I wasn't going to comment on the obvious....

 

by Ranger77
1-10-07
"It went down like this: Rosie rents a helicopter and drops an object on your house that resembles part of a Russian rocket...."
"Assured that she now has the world's only Al Sharpton Commemorative Chia Pets she counts on you getting pissed and calling Moscow...."
Thanks for calling RedCare, Russian Military Customer Service. If you want to report missile damage in the Continental US or Canada, press or say "one"....
Fuck!
Wait a minute. You said an object that "resembles " a Russian rocket?
I believe she took one of her old vibrators, convincingly disguised it as a Russian space vehicle and dropped it on your house. Disgusting, but effective....

 

by Ranger77
1-10-07
"Of course the Russians aren't stupid. Upon receipt of the object they know instantly what it is, so Rosie has to think fast...."
It's exactly what we thought it was, tovarich. The condition of this cat after licking the object in question proves it.
So she contacts the head of Russian Missile Command offering a nude photo of her on a bed eating pie, a pair of Barbara Walters' worn pantyhose and $20,000 to get a new missile sent to you.
Ok, I MAY have made that last part up about the $20,000....

 

by Ranger77
1-11-07
So Rosie has this thing against the strip too, huh.
She wanted to become a regular cast member, but I denied her. Besides the last time she was here she went to the bathroom and didn't lift the seat.
B, Rosie O'Donnell is a woman.
Oh.
Since when?

 

by Ranger77
1-11-07
This is insane. I have to do something. Rosie must pay!
Helena, everyday Rosie gets out of bed and looks at that rather ugly face in the mirror. In essence she starts the day with tragedy.
Then she goes on TV and thinks that people actually admire her, when actually most people can't stand her. Even her co-hosts. She's living a lie. What a sad person she is.
I never thought of it that way. She's living in her own hell. I guess payback isn't the answer after all, huh?
What are you talking about? I was just stating some facts. Hell yeah, Rosie must PAY!!

 

by Ranger77
1-11-07
And so....
Mr. Trump, I understand you're having a problem with Rosie O'Donnell and I believe if we join forces we can take her down.
Rosie is a slob. Plain and simple. YOU on the other hand are blonde and cute. I like blonde chicks. Let me nail you and then we can talk.
You SON OF A BITCH! How dare you!! I should just sue your ass you pompous.....
Honey, I didn't say anything wrong. Actually I was just seeing how you would react. If you want to work with me, you gotta be tough.
Um, look I don't think this....
So what are you wearing chickie-poo?

 

by Ranger77
1-12-07
Trump is a horny idiot. Rosie O'Donnell is about as appealing a day old dogshit.
You'll get no argument from me.
You still have that bioweapon that doesn't kill but causes severe yeast infections?
I think it's in the trunk of my car. You want to use it on Rosie?
No, I want to use it on Trump. I've got OTHER plans for Rosie....
I'm not sure I like this new "psychotic femme-revenge" motif you've got going here. That's my role....

 

by Ranger77
1-14-07
Rosie O'Donnell was hospitalized today after becoming "slightly" insane due to her inability to obtain a "chicken fat taco" from Taco Bell. She reportedly eats of them several daily.
O'Donnell is said to be addcited to this 'elite', expensive, and formerly secret food item, which is currently unavailable due to a nationwide shortage.
The shortage is blamed on an explosion at a chicken fat processing plant in Southern California. Preliminary results point to a missile hit, possibly Russian.
The Russian military said it could neither confirm or deny this but would sent T-Shirts, pens and coupons to all affected. A spokesperson for Rosie claims "sinister forces are at work"....
You know, "Sinister Forces" would be a good porn star name for you.
I can neither confirm nor deny that.

 

by Ranger77
1-15-07
If you've ever wondered what happened to those kids in Junior High....
I'm Opie! HA! Hey Anthony say "suck" on the radio to prove how clever, shocking and cutting edge we are!
I'm Anthony! And this is the Opie and Anthony show! Get ready for a laugh riot! Don't like us? Well....then you SUCK! HAHAHAHA!
....who thought they were funny and laughed at their own jokes?
You know who sucks? Howard Stern sucks. HAHAHAHA! I know we said that yesterday, but he just does! We were in FHM! HA!
Or was it Maxim? I hate Howard. He sucks my balls. HAHAHAHA! If you people out there don't think that's funny you're idiots! HA! HA! Howard sucks balls.
Subscribe to XM and feel the magic!
We're funny! And clever! I hate Howard! He sucks your balls! HAHAHAHA!
Yeah, he sucks my balls. I HATE Howard! Now here's a guy that stutters. He's funny! And if you don't think so you're idiots and you suck my balls! HA! HA! HEE!

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