All comics by four_legged_tripod

Profile

 

Happy birthday! I got you a penis pump.
Why would you do that? You just wasted your money.
Not really. There's a money back guarantee.
How am I gonna prove it doesn't work? Make before and after videos of me using it? And whose job is it to watch all of those submitted videos?
Guy choking himself while using it. Guy with it up his ass. Guy with it up his dog's ass. Dear god, why did I ever major in philosophy?

 

How was your trip to Vegas?
Thrilling. Absolutley thrilling. I slept with royalty.
Prince Harry?
Not a prince but a king. King BB. In fact, I'm gonna call him up right now.
Can you transfer me to Mr. King's room please?
I'm sorry, but the Thrill is Gone.

 

Did you read that Alan Thicke admits to having sex while listening to his son's music?
Gross.
I know. Having sex while listening to your kid's voice. Hollywood is full of weirdos.
Shut up and kiss me.
Mommy? Daddy? Are you in there? I'm thirsty. Can I watch TV?
Uuhhh. Uuhhh.
Oh yeah. Oh yeah!

 

Final carrot, where would you like it?
We could pretend its a dick! hahaha!
ok
We'll call it Gary!
Cut! That's not the line! And.. Hey! MY name's Gary!

 

Nurse, is my girlfriend okay?
She's still in suregery.
How long will it take?
It's hard to tell with sex change operations.
Can I go back and watch?
Ma'am, no one wants to see how the sausage is made.

 

Welcome to the United States! We love foreign exchange students here!
In my country we say "hello" by eating our special homemade brownies. Here, have one.
Wow. These are good! Why does it feel like I'm floating? Where are my pants? What are you doing?
Just let go, and go with it.
And that's how we say "hello."
Well, you certainly know how to put the "lick" in Liechtenstein!

 

Life isn't always wonderful.
There are those moments,
when we actually have to spend time together.

 

I'll always find my way to you.
Thank you,
my conjoined twin.

 

I feel so lucky to have found you.
Well, not really "lucky" per se.
I am actually quite a skilled stalker.

 

You shall not pass...
away!
Aw shit! Come on Chris, I was just joking!

 

The day I stop loving you
Is the day I'll close my eyes forever.
I'm sure bumping into shit will be a pain in the ass, but I'll live.

 

____________________________________ The ones that love us
_______________________________________ Never really leave us
_____________________________________________________ Not until the po-po find the hidden cellar

 

So, as the next door neighbor, do you have any idea as to why he killed all those people?
No idea. I knew the kid and he was a bit weird, but I totally would have targeted the Latter Day Saints. Now there's a bunch of coo-coos!
Mr. President, any word on a possible motive for these shootings?
Uh, no. We, uh, never had this sort of thing in Kenya. But if we did, we, uh, would have settled this the way our ancestors did.
I am the ghost of Melissa Joan Hart's career.
Holy shit! So this is the purpose of Obamacare!

 

happy Father's Day
Do not talk cock if I am not even talk Papano yards if I am not even Pope
but you were almost father , remember the thud you did to the katy
bitch I do not agree that I want to mourn
will you mourn for your unborn child
not going, I want to mourn for my entire collection of dolls he-man I had to sell to pay the bump

 

Mr. Van Patten, there are more complications relating to your diabetes.
Please doc, don't take another toe.
Dick, a ninth toe isn't going to hurt a thing.
*ack*
Dick? Mr. Van Patten? Huh, I guess eight was enough!

 

These humans are too fast for us. They keep killing us. We need to be faster.
We could always cross breed with horses.
Horse flies, Maggie? Horses are quick but they'd kill us in the mating process. Have you seen their giant dicks?
Ummmm.
Are you done already?
Come on, Maggie. Your husband told you I was quick, didn't he?

 

What 'cha reading, Ziggy?
"Surgery for Dummies."
I bet the spine's been repaired... and its appendix has been removed!!
Sorry about that kid. I should have finished reading the whole book before I tore you a new asshole!

 

...it's really depressing to see toys we used to play with... being sold as antiques!
Is that a Ziggy doll?
Yep.
So you used to play with youself?
Who said I ever stopped?

 

...all week I thoughts I was doing great on my diet...
until I realized my new scale was set on 'metric'!!
Fuckin' Canadians!!

 

Hey, Mario. I guess you heard about the president of Nintendo, Satoru Iwata?
Yeah, poor bastard. I'm not really sure what to do now.
More 'shrooms?
More 'shrooms!!!

 

And that, class, is what is used in every cell of your body to build the proteins you all need to survive.
Any idea what she's talkin' about?
None, dude.
Wanna go behind the bleachers and do some LSD?
Uh, me? No acid.

 

Why do you always refer to your dick as a snake?
It's from that Medusa story. It's got magical powers.
Bullshit.
It's true. That's why I always fuck you from behind cuz if you were to look directly at it, you'd turn to stone. Here. I'll prove it.

 

Brenda? Holy shit! It worked! You did turn to stone!
Well, as long as you've got yer mouth open...

 

EEEEEEK!! A tiny human!
EEEEEEK!! I forgot my super-suit!
EEEEEEK!! A tiny human!
EEEEEEK!! I forgot my super-suit!

 

In the beginning, God created the Earth and placed man on it.
God eventually realized that he had not done something right.
So God created light.
THERE you are! I'll be dammed if I couldn't see you.

 

In the beginning, God created the Earth and placed man on it.
God eventually realized that he had not done something right.
So God created light.
'Sup? I'm Adam.
I'm Steve.

 

Oh yeah! Go... go... go!
Cindy? What were you just doing with Donald Trump's dog?
Band practice.
Say what?
Yeah. I was practicing blowing Trump pets.

 

Damn.
What?
The last time I was in a comic cup final, I had to tell my life story in 15 panels.
Yeah?
Well, I have to do it again. The guy who won last time talked about his whole life being about masturbation and watching movies.
So he's lived the life of every other man on the planet?

 

I took a more direct approach and really talked about my life.
Sweetie, your life isn't that funny.
I know. So what am I supposed to talk about now?
Are you sure masturbation stories are off the table? You do have quite a few.

 

I don't really want to go in that direction. It's been done.
You could talk about the first time you saw me at the pool.
I was in that thong and you got so distracted, you tripped over the lifeguard and fell in.
Yeah... That story ends with me masturbating later that night.

 

What about the time I got drunk and booty called you?
You mean when you made me choose between staying at the game with my friends or leave them for you?
You chose me, didn't you?
Yeah, but you were so drunk you passed out and we didn't even have sex.
You ended up masturbating, didn't you?

 

Dammit! Masturbation should not be the life story of all men.
So talk about the birth of your son and having to work extra hours to support us.
You mean and the three months afterwards when we couldn't have sex?
Soooo...
Masturbation.
Masturbation.

 

What pisses me off the most is that as you keep bringing up stories that led to masturbation, it makes me want to masturbate.
In fact, since I've met you, you've started to control my thoughts, actions, and even the way I feel.
You've slowly risen to power over my entire life.
Awww. That's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me. Happy anniversary!

 

15 years ago
Subway. Eat Fresh!
Cut! That's a wrap. Thanks Jared!
Just one question.
By "fresh" we are referring to 13 year olds, correct?

 

You know we haven't had sex in like six months.
Well let's pull down your pants and discover who the culprit is.
Oh come on. Do we have to do this aga---
TA DA! It's an Old Man's Johnson!
To be fair, I may have killed him by putting him in charge of every decision I've ever made.

 

You okay, Mick?
I just can't believe that Dean Jones is dead.
I know. Tigger is upset as well.
Where is Tigger, anyway?
He's christening the grave. Fresh dug dirt makes great kitty litter.
That darn cat!

 

Hey kid. It's me, ex-pro wrestler Sargent Slaughter!
What are you doing at my high school here in Littleton, Colorado?
To remind you that, on this upcoming Patriot Day, not to forget that we live in the greatest country in the world.
Oh.
Now I've got to contact my hotel to let them know I'm here.
You better hurry. Call 'em by nine, Slaughter.

 

Dude! A flying fish!
Ouch! Hey, who just pinched my ass?
Where have you been all day?
Out. By the way, here's your magic ring back.

 

Can I touch your weiner?
Next time, just call the dog a dachshund.

 

I'm looking to buy my wife some jewlery for our anniversary.
What kind of husband would you say you are?
Abusive.
I'd go with a choker.

 

My girlfriend finally agreed to anal sex. She said she needed the right lube though, so we researched it and drove all over town to find it. Then she said she needed special candles to help her relax,
so we spent all afternoon getting those. Then she said she needed special music to keep her in the mood so I put all of these songs in my iPod.
When we finally got to the moment when we were going to do it, she chickened out!
Man, anal sex sounds like a giant pain in the ass!

 

My gynocologist said I can't have sex for two weeks.
What did your proctologist say?
by four_legged_tripod, 9-21-15

 

So as you can see, your new insurance police carries a "Tell-A-Doc" option.
So instead of going to see a doctor, I call one on the phone, describe my symptoms and they treat me over the phone?
Yep.
Huh...
So doc, I have a lot of difficulty focusing, my lower back hurts all the time and I find it hard to keep an erection.
Are you really asking me to prescribe you Adderall, Oxycodone, and Viagra over the phone?

 

Happy 40th birthday dad.
Can we not emphasize the fact that it's my 40th?
Come on. It's just a number. It's not like you're any different than you were yesterday.
You're right. I should look at it more that way. I think I'll *ack*
Dad? Are you okay?
I just pulled a back muscle walking down the hall. I'm gonna just lay here until I feel better or die. Whichever comes first.

 

Hey, dude. What's your name?
Terry.
Ha! Terry's a girl's name!
Say that one more time.
So how did you die again?
Dissin' Terry.

 

So you married your husband on his birthday?
Yes I did.
Oh I get it. That way he never forgets your anniversary.
Not really.
This way, he only gets one day a year to pull the "my wife is obligated to have sex with me" card.

 

You're a great listener. I just wish you'd give more advice.
by four_legged_tripod, 10-07-15

 

I thought Tina was going to be joining us.
I dumped her.
Why?
She kisses like my therapist.

 

Okay. Pretend that I'm the doll. Now touch me where the bad man touched you.
by four_legged_tripod, 10-07-15

 

I'm not touching you.
Quit it.
I'm still not touching you.
Will you quit not touching me?
I thought you'd never ask.

Showing page 19.

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