All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
7-03-02

 

by kaufman
7-04-02
5:45 AM, DexX has just crawled into bed, when suddenly ...
Oh crap, I forgot to update Chicka's location in the regulars webpage.
Staggering out of bed in a half-daze, he logs back on to keep his promise...
Awww, I can't remember where she said she was. I'll just enter "Melbourne" and fix it tonight.
... and hears a popping sound behind him.
What in the hell happened?
?

 

by kaufman
7-05-02
And don't forget, I'm moving to Oregon this month, so I'd appreciate it if you could update the regulars file.
{DexX} Sure, no problem, mate.
{Gabe} I'm really dreading loading the truck up and driving all the way across the country.
Hang on a moment. I can probably help. Let me update the old file here ...
{Gabe} *ZAP*
Now why didn't I think of this when I was moving in January?

 

by kaufman
7-05-02
Hey Im new. Read my comix they R grate. Brad, make my title "L5 Society Treasurer." DexX: Add me to the regularz list.
{BEDan} Gaah! That guy posted that same thing.in RMDC *AGAIN*. Doesn't he know his comics still suck, and we'll still ignore him? "Add me to the regularz list!"
Well, maybe I can do something about that. Location: L5!
Out at a nearby LaGrange point ...
Whoa!

 

by kaufman
7-05-02
{ObiJo} He's been logged off 45 minutes; he should be asleep now. Let's do it.
Ok, let me know when an hour has passed, and I'll bring him back.
zzzzzzzzz...
There were UFO sightings last night over Roswell, New Mexico. Eyewitnesses all say that this "saucer" was face-shaped.

 

by kaufman
7-05-02
{DexX} How's it going, Ken
Not too badly, but there might be a problem with my Alaskan vacation. You know how hard it is to book a cat on a flight?
Hey, you think you could add him as a regular, and then transfer both of us for a week and a half?
Sure thing. Here ya go.
You realize, now we really will have to vote for him in the next Cup.

 

by kaufman
7-05-02
THE END
That "Jurassic Park sure is a fine movie. What it would be like to bring a creature from the past into the present, and ...
Stripcreators regulars file: Name Godzilla, Location Tokyo, Picture right here ...
Meanwhile in Japan...

 

by kaufman
7-05-02
This is just too great. Time to add a few more regulars.
{Bluebexq} Hey, who added Cate Blanchett and Tara Reid to the regulars list? And since when do they live in Melbourne?!??
And now Kate Winslet ...
PERMISSION DENIED

 

by kaufman
7-05-02
Hey, Fred, what's the rush?
I think I found a way to get to the picnic across the stream. The humans laid a hundred pennies across the water. Makes for a fine dam!
Hey Ellie, how come you aren't gathering pollen with the rest of the swarm?
You know that colony of ants near our hive?
Uh huh?
I'm watching them crossing the dollar weir.

 

by kaufman
7-08-02

 

by kaufman
7-09-02
WELCOME TO JAPAN. I AM THE NEW SONY GREETER ROBOT MARK 3. HERE IS YOUR HONORABLE TOUR GUIDE, MISS KOBYASHI MARU.
Hello, and welcome. I hope you all enjoyed your flights. Do any of you have questions right now?
Yes, is it always this hazy out? I can't even see my feet.
The haze you speak of is a phenomenon I've been researching based on the atmospheric trapping of automotive emissions.
Tell me about it. This Smaug is killing me! Ha ha,
Hey, slow down people. I can't walk as fast as some of you.

 

by kaufman
7-09-02
I want to go to Disneyworld!
But I want to go to the Baseball Hall of Fame!
Relax, kids. Thanks to brand new Cryonic Gardens, both of you can get your dream vacation.
Hooray!
Hooray!
For crying out loud, Ted, ever since you moved in, the tourists have been coming non-stop. Can't a guy get any sleep?
Sorry about that, Walt. My moving in here wasn't my idea.

 

by kaufman
7-09-02
Mild-mannered Jack Donovan, janitor at a large scientific research corporation was going about his duties one night, when suddenly ...
Why are there always wadded-up pieces of paper under the telephone table?
An experiment gone haywire in the adjoining laboratory traps him in an intense magnetic field. Under the stress, his body and mind undergo a transformation into our greatest Superhero ...
Better not make a mess!
SAM SEMAPHORE!
Whoa!

 

by kaufman
7-09-02
Chief! The robbers are headed toward Dan Hood's beat. The radios are down, so I can't tell him to apprehend them.
Fear not, Sam Semaphore can take care of this job.
....................................... Later
Thank goodness you were here, Sam Semaphore! You saved the day again.

 

by kaufman
7-09-02
Are you sure I can teach that, Jeff? I don't know anything about physics.
But you're a terrific lecturer, and I need this sabbatical. Plus, physics is easy. Just recite Maxwell's equations.
Ok, computer, google for physics and, uh, Max.
First hit: www.stripcreator.com/view.php?ID=11
The rest is history.
Well, class, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate ...

 

by kaufman
7-09-02
Are there problems, my lord?
No, just inconveniences. I hate it when I have to reach for things that are too high!
Why not bring a ladder down to Hell, my lord?
Splendid idea ... I've chosen one and placed a curse on all of it, so it can be brought down here. Now go fetch it!
Here is your ladder, my lord.
Thank you, but .. it is imperfect. Part of it is missing. I must have forgot to damn a rung!

 

by kaufman
7-09-02
Ashes to ashes ...
Hey, let me out of here!
Oh, be quiet! Always complaining right up to the day you die.

 

by kaufman
7-09-02
*snip*
Oy vey!
Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Glickstein ... It's a girl!

 

by kaufman
7-09-02
13
Suicide? What an ODous thought! I'm lOven life, enjoying looking at men in kilts -- feeds my Ass fixation.
The last reel of the movie of my life goinG unshot? Perish the thought! That would be bad Noose.
Like my CO in the army said, to get ahead, you need to be well Hung, or strike fast. You have Mix-ups and downs you go.
It makes me sick when 5-year-old Boys sin by contemplating suicide. I will inflict no harm on this body ...
I will not put mySelf in maulation! So don't sticK a fork ian me. I don't want lampS lit: "Wrist in peace."
So why would I want to be kilt? Life is my Drowning glory!

 

by kaufman
7-10-02
Knock, knock!
Yes?
Special delivery from Evolution in Action, Inc.
* BURRRRRPPPP! *

 

by kaufman
7-10-02
Feeling groggy, I looked over to check the time, and saw (or rather, didn't see) that my clock had turned invisible.
*beep-beep-beep* *beep-beep-beep* *beep-beep-beep*
Groping around to shut the darn thing off, I saw no hand either. I reflected (or rather, I didn't) that invisibility might not be too bad....
*beep-bee...SLAP!
... until I discovered that the cat was invisible too.
Ouuuuuch!
REEEYOOOOOOOW!

 

by kaufman
7-10-02
Should I bother to get dressed? How could I avoid wearing my red robot tie with my multihue striped shirt, my checked golf slacks, my white socks, and two identical loafers, one brown and one black?
And yet, what if I didn't try to get it right, went to work, and suddenly became visible?
Steve, I don't care if you're invisible. I want you to go down to accounting and ... OH MY GOD!
Maybe there would be some answers on my (thankfully visible) computer.
This looks like a job for Ask Jeeves!

 

by kaufman
7-10-02
And, of course, my fumbling at the keyboard only brought up that damned paper clip, whom it took me ten minutes of keyboard-wrestling to dismiss.
It looks like you're having an epileptic seizure. Would you like help?
I still couldn't type with any accuracy, but I finally managed to get something entered tthat was parsable as a real URL.
Jackpot!
Needless to say, it turned out to be porn.

 

by kaufman
7-10-02
I don't think I mentioned that I woke up with an itchy nose. So of course I'd scratched it with my inky fingers.
Nor did I mention my allergies. Before you could say "gesundheit," I was sneezing my way backward on my rolling chair, at about the same rate as a loaded Uzi...
Right out the door, and onto Elm Street.

 

by kaufman
7-10-02
Down I fell through an invisible manhole into a subterranean world few have experienced, a warren where little precious light entered. I was so overwhelmed, I forgot to keep sneezing.
Regaining my composure, I stood up, only to find a strange and menacing creature looming over me.
Then he shook off the mucus.
Hey, watch it!

 

by kaufman
7-10-02
Unfortunately, one last colossal sneeze betrayed me ...and I was propelled back smack into the belly of the awaiting officer.
A backwash of my precious bodily fluids engulfed us both, and as I extricated myself from his writhing limbs and started to run, I knew one thing for certain...
Why, you little ...
Whoever had said that mucus had charms to soothe the savage beast was full of it.
End Part I

 

by kaufman
7-11-02
Fitzgerald! How's the Starbucks campaign coming along?
All ready to roll, Chief. Take a look.
Using DNA found in fossilized bugs, we have genetically engineered a tyrannosaur capable of speech, and with a craving for coffee.
Mmmmm... Give me an extra-large double mocha latte cappucino!
The industry is still abuzz about the Rex of the Adman Fitzgerald.
... And nothing like a stop at Starbucks to get my juices flowing and ready to hunt some triceratops!
Oh, that looks good.

 

by kaufman
7-11-02
Go away!
Flowers.
We don't want any!
Encyclopedias
Why didn't you say so? Come on in!
Axe murderer.

 

by kaufman
7-11-02
On a hunch, I touched the mirror. I felt it give way.
I stuck my arm through, and suddenly it was engulfed in intense heat.
Owwwwwwww!
Quickly withdrawing my scorched limb, I noticed it was no longer invisible.

 

by kaufman
7-11-02
Well, I can truthfully say I now know the sound of one hand clapping.
Help! I can't swim!
Inspector Clay rose from his grave ...

 

by kaufman
7-11-02
This is your captain speaking. We may
be running into a little turbulence. Ple
ase refasten your seatbelts.

 

by kaufman
7-11-02
Bye!

 

by kaufman
7-11-02
Compelled by the force of his voice, I stuck my head back through the mirror again, in spite of the shrieking protests in my head.
DON'T, FOOL!
Hey, get back in here!
I noticed that every panel in this series thus far had a narration block, so I'd better not break the streak, even though I have nothing to say.
You said, " Ynori Eht Ho." How did you know my name? I am the estranged great-nephew of Don Ho.
Things seemed to be looking up, but I've already told you it was the worst day of my life. We haven't even reached lunchtime yet.
I have been trying to cut my way out of here for ages. With your help, I might finally succeed.

 

by kaufman
7-13-02
Bludge!
(*Whoooosh!!!*)
Aha, there's the snitch!
(*BANG!!!*)

 

by kaufman
7-14-02
Hello, what can I do for you?
Tonight I will reply to dcomposed's posting of Bazilla's comics by quoting the entire thing --- unless I collect £100,000 before them.
Hold on. Let me get £15,000 for you.
Thank you very much. I'll write you a receipt.
14,800 ... 14,900, ... 15,000. This is such easy money; I wish I'd thought of it years ago.

 

by kaufman
7-14-02
Was it a dream or a visitation?
My son is a big boy now. You shall quit picking on him, and judge his comics on their own merits.
I will read Bazilla's comics tomorrow, and judge them on their own merits.
Regardless, KKP logs into stripcreator the next day, and proceeds to read and vote on the entire Bazilla catalog.
Good news. I've fully reactivated voting. --Brad
This one's an 8 ... And I'll give this one an 8 ... And another 8. Gee, this guy's pretty good!
It is only after he has voted on every single Bazilla comic that the spell is released, and he realizes what he has done.
My god! I can't believe I 8 the whole thing!

 

by kaufman
7-15-02
Are you ready, Daniel?
Ready as ever. Can't wait to dive two leagues under the sea.
Watch out for the sharks and the hungry barracuda!
No problem. I'm heading in. Tell Rocky to watch for me on the news.
Are you ready to rise yet, Mr. Cement-head?
I think so. Arm the surfacing mechanism, if you please.

 

by kaufman
7-15-02
To my horror, I realized that this man was not only related to Don Ho ...
The reversed layer of my skin is straight from hell. Thus I can't escape through your side of the mirror. Quod erat demon-stratum.
... but also to a math teacher. I then had to endure over an hour on the topology of tiny bubbles.
... an imperfect fractal spheroid affected by the Brownian motion of rotor turbines, resulting in an n-dimensional ...
I finally got my chance when he started speculating on the nature of the inside of a plane. My escape comforted me ... for approximately pi seconds.

 

by kaufman
7-15-02
Hello, I am a bottle of Bloody Mary mix. If you have some time, I'd like to tell you about the worst day of my life. It began on a transcontinental flight...
This is your captain speaking. We have reached cruising altitude. In a few moments, the flight attendants will begin beverage service.
Suddenly, heavy turbulence began rocking me...
... and then some invisible bozo drank me. Surprisingly, I was no longer visible either.

 

by kaufman
7-16-02
The slip of the drink's tongue, saying it was not, rather than now, part of the story, gave me the chance to act. I regurgitated it out the window.
But of course the pressure gradient sucked me out too.
Oops!
Now look what you've done, smartass!
I looked down, hoping to find a matress farm or a trampoline range. Instead I saw an asphalt jungle racing up at me.

 

by kaufman
7-16-02
It's hot, Kimosabe. Share some of that water with me?
Hang in there. We're almost to El Dorado. Plus, it's not like you and the background are going to melt.
Fool! The temperature is going up four degrees every minute. Give me the water.
Why? So you can break it into hydrogen and oxygen atoms? Sing your song of pity to someone else, mister.
Please?
Just my luck to draw wimps and more wimps.

 

by kaufman
7-16-02
Friends of the corpse, or friends of the undertaker?
Actually, we're friends of the maggots.
Can I say "moh" yet?
No way, look at my watch. It's only quarter past panel two.
Hey Gabe, I hope you like my macabre selection of backgrounds. If this stretches to four panels, what do you think would fit well there?
For a background? Explosion. Definitely explosion!

 

by kaufman
7-16-02
Should Steve die and experience afterlife? Does he survive and go to a mad doctor? Or did the drink hit, while he was beamed up by horny aliens?
Please, nothing so trite.
Ok, here goes... Meanwhile at the offices of a major dictionary publisher...
Idiot! You switched the definitions of "invisible" and "invulnerable". Fix that mistake before something terrible happens.
Right away, sir. Sorry.
Having no idea that reality was returning to normal, I picked myself up, grinned at my lack of a scratch, and stepped boldly into a busy street.

 

by kaufman
7-16-02
What happened next, I have somehow blotted out of my memory. There is a god.
Next thing I know, that robot was standing over me, looking spent. "I haven't made such sweet music since I cornholed the New York Philharmonic," it said inviolably.
I started to limp home, and thought I might make it unscathed, when I ran into a couple of thugs from Greenpeace.
Look at that guy. He's dripping oil from his butt.
Let's get him!

 

by kaufman
7-17-02
May the foreskin be with you!

 

by kaufman
7-17-02
..................................... Meanwhile,
Crikey!
smashing through the wall between
the two theatres ..............................
Kraken!

 

by kaufman
7-17-02
I think I lost count at about thirtytacles, when the overexcited critter shot a jet of ink in my face.
Calimari, full of grace ...
I sneezed, just as an old friend showed up.
ACHOOOOO!
Well, look who we have here!
And the two ran off and lived happily ever after.

 

by kaufman
7-17-02
"A few months ago, at a secret meeting in Washington ..."
Mr. President, you are of course intimately aware of how the energy industry monopolistically sells its products to consumers at huge prices ...
Oil, electricity, natural gas, etc., with to date one exception. We think this ought to be corrected, so that we'll see the same profits on light energy.
Was that a helicopter I heard in the distance?
fap-fap-fap-fap-fap
You probably got the light brigade's bill in the mail, thought it was a joke, and ignored the charge. Thus, they began turning off your photons.
My run of bad lux was not over.
If you can ... Oh my god, I'm beginning to glow. They got me! Run for it! Run!

 

by kaufman
7-17-02
Really, there's always a reason. Here I catch fire spontaneously for comic surprise.
This is to get rid of the trees that fell in my yard. Burn, baby, burn.
Here I'm warming up for a comic in which I make 15 fire puns. Did you find them all?
Oops. Wirthling just torched my house again.
Tell me the truth. Do you like this look? It goes so well with my hair, wouldn't you say?
Delousing the cat.

 

by kaufman
7-17-02
One day at the ranch...
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate phlogiston by themselves."
Ha, ha.
I reckon you was misinformed.

Showing page 19.

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