All comics by Ahsirakh

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by Ahsirakh
9-07-03
Hours after the previous scene...
No, you're the one in prison.
No, you're the one in prison.
No, you're the one in prison.
No, you're the one in prison.
The eternal "who's on which side of the jail bars" question.
No, you're the one in prison.
Are Agents allowed to have déjà vu?

 

by Ahsirakh
9-07-03
The Agent turns back into Neo.
You drank the beer just so you could turn into an Agent because I was tiring you with my mindless psycho-babble?
Actually, I didn't know that would happen. I just wanted to get drunk enough to drown out your voice.
But you're the One! You're supposed to use your powers to help the Earth!
That's right... so disappear!
THE END... (Or is it?)
MWAHAHAHAHA!!!

 

by Ahsirakh
9-07-03
Mister Shark, have you seen a blue fish named Dory pass by here?
No, but I have seen a blue fish named Dory pass through here.
What's the diff between "pass by" and "pass through"... oh crap.
Ah, you got the hint.
My, that red one was great for afters.
Man, it's dark in here.

 

by Ahsirakh
9-07-03
WTF?! I wasn't supposed to have been eaten by the shark!
Your point?
What are you playing at?
No one wants to see the same fish moving in the same background for sixty panels, trust me. Goodbye, Marlin.
F*ck you.
Man, I love control.

 

by Ahsirakh
9-09-03
You know why I love the Internet? Because no one knows who you really are... it's a realm of privacy.
Oh, really? That's nice. Oh, and I just posted a photo I took of you on the forums you visit.
Oh... by the way, do you still have that brown wig?
What do you need it for? Hiding your identity? LOL.
Hmm. Perhaps I'll post another of his photos on the forum, I'm sure he wouldn't mind.
Oh, wouldn't you like to know...

 

by Ahsirakh
9-13-03
Shut up!
Oh, the games of war, the thoughts of war, the lust for waaaarrrr...
Stop singing. I shall play all the violent games I want, and you can't stop me.
Stooooop the fighting, let's all stand for peeeeeeace...
*POOF!*
That's when I ended up here.
Well, just don't start singing here. We don't want riots breaking.

 

by Ahsirakh
9-14-03
You're a pr*ck.
You're a b*tch.
P*ss off.
You absolute sh*t.
You do know Bo*nky33 doesn't l*ke us censor*ng stuff, r*ght?
*t's not our fault that the keyboard's m*ss*ng a letter.

 

by Ahsirakh
10-09-03
Due to the unexpected arrival of Kaddar2 images...
... this comic maker is wiping the slate clean.
Ignore all comics before this one...
... because Ahsirakh is poor and lazy.
Stop finishing my sentences, you sucker...
... fi dolla, we love you long time.

 

by Ahsirakh
10-15-03
Mrs Anderson! Might I interest you in this product? I called you but the line just cut off halfway...
Won't this stupid North American power grid shut down?! ... oh shit, you're that telemarketing Agent, aren't you? Haven't you realized I hung up on you?
YOU HUNG UP ON ME?! Die! Bang bang bang... oh fuck, who turned off the lights? My aiming sucks in the dark...
Argh! A single bullet hit me in the chest! It is entirely coincidence of course! *dies*
Wake up, Neo.
Fuck these stupid nightmares.
Kobe, can you fuck me again so I can mutter "stop" halfway through, then sue your pants off for rape-- oh, oops, hi Neo.

 

by Ahsirakh
10-15-03
Elsewhere in Zion...
Morpheus, how dare you ask one ship to not return to Zion! We might be grossly outnumbered by the machines, but at least our ships can all go to Hell while I sit my fat ass here cussing!
Have you met Dubya during the Iraqi War, Commander Lock? 'Cos I'm getting déjà vu here.
Obviously I fucking hate you and want you shoved in an iguana cage and raped by rabid llamas 'cos you're my girlfriend's ex, but I'm going to tell the Council it's because I'm a total fucktard.
Too bad the Council shows me favouritism, ha! Unlike running for governor in California, where you can win by being famous for womanizing.
Hey, that's an idea.
You could call yourself Ah-nold Schwarzenegger, and they might think you're sophisticated.

 

by Ahsirakh
10-15-03
Neo goes to see the Oracle.
Why is it that when I meet you, you always give me bad news?
You mean like the fact that the Cubs are totally gonna kick the Red Sox's asses, or that I'm going to talk loads of bullshit before finally telling you to meet some French dude?
French? FRENCH? You mean those peace-loving bastards? FRENCH?!
Shut up.
Sorry. Iraqi war flashbacks, huh?
Not really, this kind of thing happens every few seconds in U.S. history. And future. Fucking sick of it.

 

by Ahsirakh
10-15-03
Meanwhile...
Fuck you, I don't want penis enlargement, I want to get out of the Matrix!
Of course, sir. May I have your credit card number?
Argh! Too late! Smith's cloning himself into me...
... now I can kill Mr Anderson without him whooping a hundred of my asses!
Smith gets used to being Bane...
Pardon me, Neo. Can I kill you please?
Bane, does this have to do with me saying how Red Sox are gonna whoop the Cubs' asses?

 

by Ahsirakh
10-15-03
Mr Anders--
So it was you who sent me that huge vibrating dildo from your telemarketing Agent days-- OMG, did your code get overwritten? Looks like they overdid it.
I presume you're talking about my new image as Californian governor. But let me get the clichés over and done with: Mr Anders--
Ever thought about changing your name to Ah-nold Schwarzenegger? Sounds more sophisticatred than "Smith".
LET ME FUCKING GET THIS OVER WITH! Mr Anders--
Whoops, gotta go, Morpheus'll kill me for stealing his election idea.

 

by Ahsirakh
10-15-03
At a posh French restaurant...
Mariovingian! Tell me how to get to the Source or I'll beat you up till you tell me anyway.
Ah, Neo, ze One himself! I assume you've met the ex-telemarketing Agent Smith?
Yeah, well, he's Schwarzenegger now, and running for Californian governor. Now tell me before I
BEAT YOU UP!
OK. I'll tell you everything.
Wha... I don't get to beat you up? ... what... who... how...
I always wanted to try that. =)

 

by Ahsirakh
10-15-03
Thanks for telling me about the Source. Why'd you ask about Smith Schwarzenegger anyway?
I wanted zat huge vibrating dildo he gave you from his telemarketing days. Writing orgasmic cakes doesn't cut it for me now-- oh, oops, hi Persephone.
Orgasmic cakes?
Oh, he writes them so some girl can give him a blowjob. I sneaked cakes out sometimes to find people like Kobe Bryant.
"... people like Kobe Bryant."
WTF. Stay away from my lovers, bitch.

 

by Ahsirakh
10-15-03
Where're you going?
Please, ma chérie, we are all victims of causality. I drink too much wine, France gets ze revenue, and M. Dubya goes to war to spite zem peace-lovers...
... but ze Dubya-bashers don't believe zat ze idiot can get involved in a scandal de passionel, so zey release Valerie Plame's name, zen blame it on him...
... and, of course, zinking about zis CIA source leak makes me want to take a leak. Cause, and effect. Au voir.
Pompous prick. Taking a blowjob more like. I think I'll get Kobe Bryant to fuck me instead...
... but just for thrills, I think I'll mutter "stop" halfway through, then sue his pants off for rape.

 

by Ahsirakh
10-15-03
Mrs Anderson! Might I interest you in this product? I called you but the line just cut off halfway...
Won't this stupid North American power grid shut down?! ... oh shit, you're that telemarketing Agent, aren't you? Haven't you realized I hung up on you?
YOU HUNG UP ON ME?! Die! Bang bang bang... oh fuck, who turned off the lights? My aiming sucks in the dark...
Argh! A single bullet hit me in the chest! It is entirely coincidence of course! *dies*
Wait-- hasn't this happened before? Why does Trinity have to be dragged through this gaping plot hole?
Because for some reason she has to die shutting down half the power in America just so you can doom the human race anyway. Now shoo.

 

by Ahsirakh
10-15-03
Who are you?
I am the Architect. But call me Dr Pedantic. I created the Matrix. And the Yankees. And the hurricane Isabella.
You created the Yankees? Oh man, Trinity is going to die when she hears this.
She's already dead. So by some weird reasoning she'll come back to life now, since grabbing her heart to jump-start it is absolutely shitty.
Thanks... wait, WTF?
You see, I'm a total arsechuck so I'll take your clothes as payment. And destroy the Matrix while I'm at it.

 

by Ahsirakh
10-15-03
I'm Ah-nold Schwarzenegger! Vote for me 'cos I'm a fucktard!
No, I'm Ah-nold Schwarzenegger! Vote for me 'cos I'm a bitch!
No, I'm Ah-nold Schwarzenegger! Vote for me 'cos I'm a fucktard!
No, I'm Ah-nold Schwarzenegger! Vote for me 'cos I'm a bitch!
Say, if I give you a huge vibrating dildo from my telemarketing days, can I be Ah-nold Schwarzenegger the fucktard?
Sure. I'll be Ah-nold Schwarzenegger the complete bitch. How's that sound?

 

by Ahsirakh
10-18-03
*click*
Zzzzzzzzzzzz...
Hey, what were you doing sleeping in my room?
This is MY room. What are you doing in here?
Welcome to the world of The Sims, where we have no idea what the hell they're saying.
Sheesh, God, I'm not sleeping in the same bed with this guy! Gonna get an expresso...
At least I know that cup's beer, since our pee is blue.

 

by Ahsirakh
10-22-03
*click*
Zzzzzzzzzzzz...
Hey, what were you doing sleeping in my room?
This is MY room. What are you doing in here?
Ooh, déjà vu. How many times have we gone through that before?
Get me outta here. I am SO not going to let Agents see me in underpants, lest they start selling me penis enlargements.

 

by Ahsirakh
11-16-03
God, are you there?
Go away kid, I'm resting. I've had a rough day.
But I have a very important question I need to ask of you.
Alright, what is it?
Why must we give offering in church?
It's for my power bill, dear. See, if I don't get 'nuff every Sunday, and the sun don't rise up in the morning, who looks bad? I do. So cough up!

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