In the beginning was the word. And the word was BRAD. And BRAD looked across the chaos and darkness and saw that JDPLVY was being shredded even unto being blasted into oblivion by SC Irregulars
I am BRAD, thy GOD and thou shalt listen to me...
Suffer not the TROLL among ye... but for one chromosone there goeth ye also...
The tombstone reads: "Here lies JDPLVY, Troll, destroyed by his fellows on a comedy roll, died without a single sound, but soon will be coming back around..."
Soon I will have another identity...
And THEN I@W4WILL HABVE MY REVENGE!!!
He looks different now. Can he remain anonymous? Will he get banned again? Only BRAD knows....
The sun rises on the morning after the Great JDPLVY StripCreator massacre... A voice echoes urgently, but quietly through the streets of Pleasant Valley, NY, followed by another more feminine voice...
Dave. JDPLVY! Wake up, Dave. It's 6AM. Time to get up. There are message boards to be wrecked... Dave.... Oh, crap. Stupid intercom.
Paging Satan. Call for Satan on the Hot-Line. Answer right away.
CRIPES! Who could be calling this time of morning. Fricking tele- marketers! How did they get this number? It's unlisted! HELLO? Speak UP. This connection is really HELLISH!
Hello? Lucifer? This is God. I'm calling from the cell phone. Can you hear me? Can you hear me now?
Oh. God. Right. Um... Dude! You haven't called in a really long time. Wazzup, big guy? What can I do for you? Need somebody tested? That JOB fella was sure a hard case wasn't he?
A discussion between Good and Evil is taking place on the hotline between Heaven and Hell.
I want you to lay off JDPLVY for a while. You've been getting inside his head, causing him to be angry all the time and generally frigging with his life...
But Big Guy, that's what you pay me to do. My whole job in infinity is to keep JDPLVY trolling and also to keep Boorite from EVER getting laid..
Well, diggit. You're interfering with free will. You got Dave kicked off Strip Creator and all his comics erased. You caused HUNDREDS of people to be pissed off at him from ever corner of comixland.
It wasn't me. I swear I was in OHIO stuffing boxes with Bush ballots. Bush and Satan in 04, I've said all along...
Cut the comedy, Beelzebub. That whole JDPLVY affair had your fingerprints all over it. You've been using your Chaotic powers to disrupt Strip Creator. That simply will not do. Do I make myself clear?
Ok. Sure. You're Creator and Master of the Universe. Can I still keep Boorite from getting laid? I mean, technically, that's a GOOD deed. Should get me points on karma...
I hope that didn't count against peak minutes. Great Long Distance plan, but bogus on the time... OK now, Mr. PLVY is there anything else I can do for you?
Umm... yeah. I always wondered what you really look like. And can you get me unbanned from DJ Massala's Message Board and Boards to go? And could you SMITE BobRogers for me?
OK. (1) This is what I really look like. And (2) No way, Jose' even GOD doesn't carry enough weight to get you unbanned from those places and (3) I really don't ordinarily SMITE on request, but ...
At the Rogers Estate in California
Why am I a snowman? I was just sitting watching Star Trek and I suddenly felt... smitten. Somehow JDPLVY is behind all this! DAMN YOU JD! I'll get you and you little dog...
Elsewhere, Boorite is having problems of his own...
One minute I was in my den, crusing this hot number.. I was almost THERE... and the next minute I'm in the middle of ... Say, where AM I in the middle of anyhow? And where are my PANTS? and my VIAGRA?
When I find out who's responsible for this, HEADS WILL ROLL!
It's British slang meaning an obnoxious, stupid, self centered slacker.
OK. What is a TROLL?
It's Internet slang describing an obnoxious, stupid, self centered slacker who posts meaningless drivel on message boards and generally makes peeps miserable.
Since you seem to know it all, who am I?
That's easy. You are JDPLVY aka MAXWELL2005 an obnoxious, stupid, self centered TROLL who has been banned from StripCreator and slipped back in under the wire unnoticed.
WTF? What do I need a LAWYER for? Nobody can SUE ME? I'm not legally responsible. Plus I have't got a pot or a window. Just a raggedy car, a half broke computer and a styrofoam airplane.
Well, as you know, the Republicans have just taken over Congress. Bush has 4 more years in office...
So? What does that have to do with me? I didn't even VOTE. I just needled everybody else about their candidate.
Well, basically, a new law has been passed making it a Federal crime to be a GIT!
Boorite finds himself in the unique position of being in the epilogue to the latest "Message Board Dave" adventure...
All alone in Yellowstone National Park with no trousers and only the one beer to keep me company... How has my life come to this?
Give me a second to materialize and I will explain it all to you.
Who in the blue hell are you? What are you doing in my 3 panel strip?
I am JDPLVY. I am considered by some people to be the single most annoying person on planet earth ... a bonified 14 karat gold plated superstar of trolls.
You putz! You're interfering with my strip. Do you know how long I waited in that stupid menu for someone to come along and STAR ME in an adventure (although I was hoping for something more tropical).
That's my job, yo! To be as obnoxious, self centered and annoying as any 13 people who have ever pissed you off. How am I doing so far?
Clarification is in order... Boorite went to college for this.
So let me see if I got this straight. I get a solid punchline gig in strip # 52 in this series and was all set to star in my own series, probably with a penguin holding a whip and I get you instead?
Yep. That's it. Heckled by a TROLL. This is what your life has come to - second banana to a 5'9" mental midget from the Twilight Zone. And to make it worse, this second epilogue is anticlimactic!
Not so fast, Troll Boy. I've got powerful friends in high places. I can make you disappear faster than you can say, "Why is everybody picking on me?"
Take your best shot! I am the all powerful JDPLVY! Nobody can... wait. you're wearing Ruby Slippers... That means you control 7th level MAGIC! Nooooo!
This is Allah. I can't come to the phone right now. Your call is very important to me. Please leave a message at the beep and I'll get back to you. *BEEP*
That's all you have to say to me after 75 years of wearing out my knees on that stupid rug?
My name is not Dave. It's Stewart. I am out of control and trashing every message board in sight but I want to keep it a secret.
I could just kill you now or I could trick you into revealing that you are actually JDPLVY, Message Board Troll.
There's no way that you can trick me. I have the perfect disguise. My IP is different. It says I am posting from Lenningrad.
Masturbation has reduced your penis size to less than 2 inches. Your mother doesn't love you. Your car is pink. Your girlfriend laughed when you tried to make love to her. B2G banned you...
Not since WWI has there been such a blitz as the recent attack on DJ Masala's Message Board...
Another annoying mess courtesy of JDPLVY
Some pretty funny stuff though...
No good deed goes unpunished and allowing Dave Grady continued access to the board, while an act of kindness, has forced everyone into defensive mode...
Sooner or later I'm going to have to ban the Git again.
10,000 ad-free impressions just pi##ed out the window
There's still time for a bit of philosophy though...
and one little bald toothless troll at the center of it all..
Introducing Doogie Howser, MD, PHD, special guest Psychiatrist
Now what?
As an unbiased observer, I would have to say that your behavior is pretty outrageous, Dave.
petulant?
Even with some form of autism as an excuse, the fact is that you are lucid, capable of making decisions and even though you have anger issues, your behavior is that of a petulant 4 year old.
So who died and left you in charge? you're not the boss of me!
*sigh* 15 years as a shrink and nobody takes me seriously because I wear a T shirt.
What you fail to grasp, Dave is that all this negative attention is really bad for you. It raises your blood pressure, brings on hypertension, causes erectile dysfunction...
Erectile dysfunction?
He patiently explains ever danger Dave faces...
What's happening is, every time you post a "TROLL" message, such as the ones most recently on DJM's board, people just dispise you more. Whatever pity you were getting off the autism thing is screwed.
You're right about one thing. I was getting a lot of sympathy. But then BOB started deleting my messages and I got really pi##ed and then I couldn't wank off 'cause my thing quit working...
The feet aren't in the ears for nothing...
That's exactly what I was saying. Erectile Dysfunction derives from hypertension coupled with high blood pressure. You could very well have a STROKE, Dave!
Speaking of STROKING, I have a date with a Lesbian from the news group. She thinks my name is MEGAN and I am a hot dyke chick. That outta get the ole Johnson up and running.
Shameless promo # 1 touts BOB's new web site on which ALL the Toons will be displayed including the "lost" ones that JD himself destroyed, thinking he had the only copies...
I'm outta here
Color me gone!
Hey YO! Where's everybody going in such a rush?
To Bob's new web site, of course, whaddya think?
Note: I've been nice all evening. It hurts too much.
Bob has a new web site? Where is it? Let me get to my computer!
It's at www.jdplvy.INFO but Dave said he wanted me to stay here and meet Mr Winky. Who is Mr Winky, anyhow? Is he on TV?
Evil raises it's head to look around and all it sees is JDPLVY
Who in the blue hell are you?
I am CTHULUH, the embodyment of ULTIMATE EVIL, summoned by cries for help from the poor pityful Troll named JDPLVY
Yeah? So?
I am the oldest of the Old Ones, Most Evil of the Evil Ones, most deadly and powerful of all the dread monsters of the deepest dark
Listen, Pal, halloween was last month. I am the only one here. I chased everyone else away. So why don't you make like a tree and go away too. In other words, F**k off CTHULUH!
A marriage between two ultimate evils, Cthulhu and JDPLVY
I have brought you a gift, young Padawan Troll. With it comes much power and the ability to hide one's self from the prying eyes of others...
I LOVE presents. It's not even my BIRTHDAY! What is it?
The program before you masks your IP#, Cinderella, so that anyone who has banned you from their message board won't be able to keep you from logging on.
Cool. I'll be able to read what they're saying about me, especially on B2G!
A word of caution though, Dave. You will have to change your speech patterns. You can be instantly identified by what you say. It would be better for you to keep quiet but *heh* I know you won't.
Sh@#%$ - I don't F%$#@#@ have speech patterns! But thanks for the program.
My Blog: I HATE Bob. He SUCKS. He only has a BLOG because I have a BLOG! #$%@#ng BOB!
My Blog: I feel sorry for JDPLVY. Everybody hates him. He gets no attention. I will put my personal thoughts in a BLOG and maybe I will understand Message Board trolls better.
Not for the socially conscious...
What do I care about JDPLVY or why he hates Bob, or anything for that matter? I am a typical alienated teenager who reads BLOGS to get ideas for my own Blog.
JDPLVY got banned at the IP level from all message boards, or at least by those from Boards to Go. This BLOG thing looks like it has some promise.
The stage is set. Let the games begin...
I think War is stupid. People get killed. BLOG War, though seems like a reasonable thing. Nobody can get hurt or killed.
I am waotion deer huntaw. This season I thought I would hunt wednecks. I bagged six before wunning out of ammo. Im going to wight about it in my Bwog
Christmas! Hoo HA! Maybe I'll get a new PUDDIN SPOON! Or perhaps some funny tasting APPLE JUICE! I guess DIAPERS to help keep my pants from getting brown when my BUTT Explodes in poop would be great!
There are some presents...
There's nothing from BOB under the tree. I know he was going to send a BOMB even though he never said so and actually only wanted to send me a DVD. Eep. Guess I f$#%ed up. Wait. Here's one from MOM!
If you send me a Christmas present I will burn it! I hate you, Bob! You are probably going to send me a BOMB. I am going to punish you by writing in my BLOG about you!
ring ring
That's probably Bob calling me up on the phone to harass me, even though he never has done it before, I KNOW it's HIM!
DJ's board has been taken down and Dave is the culprit...
We're here today interviewing DJ Masala, whose music message board was just buried under a ton of pervy Dave Grady porno posts. DJ, How does that make you feel?
Pretty much like grabbing his scrotum with a pair of vice grips and ripping it, balls and all off his worthless body
Whoa! Wait a minute. You are a kind and gentle soul. It says so in my notes. You never have an unkind word for anyone...
You forget that BOB is the author of this strip, so what I say mirrors what he is thinking. And he doesn't like Dave. He thinks Dave is scum, Ergo, so do I.
So what exactly happened to your message board?
Password protected it. Members only. Keeps the riffraff out.
Dave struggles with the meaning of life, discussing it with KD
I don't understand why you all hate me. Everybody on this message board are #%$^#%#$s
Anything to do with the fact that you destroyed a virgin page in less than 8 hours with the most rude and vile porno posts in the history of computing?
I only do that because Bob deleted my messages off Jagwire's message board. Bob is a %^#$%
And what does posting obscenity on MY message board have to do with all that? He does not curse and rant at you...
He uses big words... and punctuation... he is evil... I'm suing him.