All comics by DaveMonkey

Profile

 

by DaveMonkey
10-22-02
Greetings, one and all! As you may have noticed, I, your glorious narrator, has returned...
...With new ideas, no annoying "speech marks", and a lot more jokes...
Ah, you managed to finally think of a joke this time?
Good God, I rule...

 

by DaveMonkey
10-22-02
I hope you're going to include more of my zany adventures.
I would never describe anything you do as 'zany' or 'adventerous', but I'll see what I can do. Thank you.
I do hope you have more obscure digs at the Matrix and modern 'black and white' films.
This is getting a little obscure, but I'll see what I can do. Thank you very much.
Hey yo, monkey boy...
OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!

 

by DaveMonkey
10-24-02
Who did you go see last night?
'The Who'
The Who?
'The Who'
Yeah, but WHO?
The fuckin' Who!

 

by DaveMonkey
10-24-02
Ladies and Gentlemen, a very big round of applause for William Shatner!!
Er... Will?
I... appear to be...stuck...
I really wish he'd keep off the pies...
The door... There's some...THING wrong with the door...

 

by DaveMonkey
10-24-02
Do you know what you are?
I give up. What am I?
A pink-ass punk.
I know you are, but what am I?
A pink-ass punk.
I know you are, but what am I?

 

by DaveMonkey
10-29-02
J. Witness: Excuse me, have you let the lord into your life? DaveMonkey: Er... Well, you know...
How, marra! Dae ya need the big man in ya life?
Why, ye knaa how it gans...
J. Witness: No, I don't know. Why don't you tell me? DaveMonkey: I've been busy. Leave me alone.
Na, Ah divvent. Ye ganna lerrus knaa, or what?
Ah've been geet busy. Leavus alairn.
J. Witness: Do you want to go for a drink? DaveMonkey: Ah, that's a question I can answer!
Are ya gannin' doon Toon the neet?
Ah, now that's summit ah can awnsa!

 

by DaveMonkey
10-29-02
Hey Trish! Yo, Trish! Over here!
Do I know you?
It's me, Mandy, your sister!
Mandy? My sis- Oh no...
What's the matter? Are your undies going up the crack of your ass? 'cause that happens to me somtimes...
I am going to kill that 'new-character -introducing' son of a bitch...

 

by DaveMonkey
10-29-02
Get rid of her, you tale-twisting bastard!
No way! Since I've been away, changes have been made to this site. I intend to use them fully.
By introducing Jar-Jar Binks in female form!?!
Like it or lump it, you're stuck with it. Now get out there and interact with her!
...So I said "Anything that's been in my ass definitely ain't going in my mouth!'. And then HE said...
Maybe if I stare at her long enough, she'll burst into flame.

 

by DaveMonkey
10-29-02
...And then he had the nerve to do it right on my face...
Can I interrupt you just a second?
What's the matter?
Just checking something: If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it, what noise does it make?
Buh?
Just as I thought...

 

by DaveMonkey
11-01-02
Hey Kids! Buy Tenacious D's album 'Tenacious D'. It's even funnier than this strip!
Let's face it. The ebola virus is funnier than this strip.
Shut up and buy it.

 

by DaveMonkey
11-01-02
Today: Ginma 1/2
My name is Ginma Sautome. I was afflicted by a curse many years ago which means I turn into a girl whenever I'm soaked in gin.
Look out for that huge tidal wave of Gin!!!
What are the chances of that happening?
Get used to it. It's gonna happen every week!

 

by DaveMonkey
11-01-02
Today: IKEA
I'm Shotaro Kaneda. I'm the hero of this piece, and I must stop my friend Tetsuo from destroying Neo-Ipswich...
I am the aforementioned friend that Kaneda speaks of. I have psychic powers, and must search out the mythical Ikea, who is more powerful than I...
Look, it's a fucking swedish furniture store. Why bother?
Well, I'm scheduled to turn into a blob any minute now, so I'd better scrap that idea.

 

by DaveMonkey
11-04-02
Today: The Pissed of the North Star
I am Kenshiro, the Fist of the North Star. I am searching for my enemy, the fist of the Southern Cross...
Well look no further, for you have found, motherfucker!
Watch me do some complicated offensive, rendering your head exploded!
Watch ME slowly poke my finger into your flesh, so that you look like swiss cheese!
Watch me go and get a coffee and then sit down to watch 'Dawsons Creek'!
Well, watch ME eat a whole party packet of fun-sized mars bars!

 

by DaveMonkey
11-06-02
Sick-O-Boy?
I'm not Sick-O-Boy. I'm Dave!
Shit, I think I got that the wrong way 'round...

 

by DaveMonkey
11-14-02
Today: Perfect Bloo.
My name is Mima. I was a pop idol, now I'm an actress who's doing far more nude scenes than necessary. No way in hell would this happen anywhere else. I think I'm going insa-
Announcement: There will now follow a series of bizarre situations with murder in them. Only the murders seem real. Look, I don't know. Ask someone else...
What the fuck?
It was me along! You were just living in a fantasy world where you believed that... No, That some fan... Shit, where was I?
Well, I'm glad that's sorted...

 

by DaveMonkey
11-14-02
And so Jesus say's 'Have you got a fiver, Judas. I'm a bit short..." HAHAHAHA-
HAHAHAHA... Ha... ha......hah....
What!?!
You know you're made of sticks, right?

 

by DaveMonkey
11-14-02
Fine! Go on, leave! I may be made of sticks and have psychotic tendancies, but at least I'm stupid!
"I may be made of sticks and have psychotic tendancies, but at least I'm stupid..."
I think I may be missing a "Not", somewhere!

 

by DaveMonkey
11-14-02
Oh woe is me! I have not a friend in the world. Only now does whittling soap have any meaning left for me...
I'll be your friend, gentle stickman!
Who are you? Have you brought any soap?
I am you from another dimension. Shall we dance?
Yes, we shall!
DO THE HUSTLE!! do-do-do,do-do do-do do-do...

 

by DaveMonkey
11-15-02
Hello, everybody! As you may have seen the strip has taken a turn for the insane...
...And as a result, we have had to put the author through a drugs test to determine what has brought about the crazy.
MAY I RECOMMEND THE MAGIC MUSHROOMS!?
Goo-goo ga choo?

 

by DaveMonkey
11-15-02
I know I came here for a reason, I just can't remember what.
My, these paths are slippy. If I'm not careful, I'll fall and break my neck!
Ah, yes... I remember now.
Ooh, look! A puppy!

 

by DaveMonkey
11-15-02
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much...
...I haven't said enough.

 

by DaveMonkey
11-15-02
This Week: Stickman tries out for the Village People
Look, 'W' is all I can do! Couldn't you change the lyrics to...
No! NEXT!!!

 

by DaveMonkey
11-15-02
Stickman wasn't too happy when they changed the song lyrics in 'Annie'.
What's this? The chords to the theme tune of 'Top Gun?'
Shut up and sing!

 

by DaveMonkey
11-19-02
Errr look, kid. I dunno how to tell you this...
You're a big boy now, so I guess it's time for you to know the truth...
Kid, your parents don't exist. It's me that gets your presents all along...
No, you're lying! They do exist! They do!

 

by DaveMonkey
1-21-03
Why don't you like me, big sis?
Look, I'll put it like this...
You know when you have an annoying cold and you can't shake it off? No matter what you do, it just stays around for weeks and weeks?
Yeah.
Well, you're nothing like that. You're more like genital warts...

 

by DaveMonkey
1-21-03
Hi! You must be DaveMonkey. I've heard so much about you. I bet you heard about me, haven't you? What have you heard?
Was it about the time I spat semen in a monkey's face? Well, I'm damned if I'm gonna swallow a monkey's jungle juice...
Several Hours Later...
...Or that dead guy? He wasn't really dead! Boy did I get a shock, I was humping him at the time...
...Take one down, pass it around. Thirty six bottles of cyanide on the wall...

 

by DaveMonkey
1-24-03
Are you ignoring me?
Not really, I'm just preoccupied with attempting to grow a tumour...
Fair enough... Hey! Did I ever tell you about the time I had sex with my sister?
I don't care what she said. I didn't do anything of the sort...
Couldn't you at least just pretend you did? Please, I need this...

 

by DaveMonkey
3-12-03
Right, I've got to think of more ideas.
Agreed. We must put all our resources and thought power into creting new and funnier strips.
2 Hours Later...
Anything yet?
A mental image of Winona Ryder wearing nothing but a stetson, and that IT...

 

by DaveMonkey
3-12-03
Okay, Apparently-Megatron. This is your moment to shine...
...I'm seriously struggling to come up with funny stuff. So if you have any so-called evil plans, let's hear them.
Sodomy!!!
We're gonna have to search elsewhere...

 

by DaveMonkey
3-12-03
Yo, Stickman! I was wondering if you could help with...
STRIKE A POSE!!!
Forget it.
Shh! I'm posing!

 

by DaveMonkey
3-12-03
A Horse walks in a bar and says "Pint of Guiness, please", and the Barman says "Why the long face?" AAAH-HA HA HA HA
HA HA... Ha... Hah...ha...
Take your time...
Since when could a Horse talk?

 

by DaveMonkey
1-30-06
THAW PROCESS BEGIN... WAKING SUBJECT DAVE_MONKEY FROM HIBERNATION...
RESTORING VISION... BRINGING SUBJECT BACK TO CONCIOUSNESS...
Whussu...?
DOWNLOADING MEMORY... MEMORY DOWNLOADED... DOWNLOADING PERSONALITY... *ERROR* PERSONALITY FUCKED UP... DIAGNOSIS: TWAT... SOLUTION: FUCK IT...
Am I back?

 

by DaveMonkey
1-30-06
Ah. Welcome back online, Mr. Monkey.
Who are you? Are you Michael Knight?
What does that make me then? Does that make me KITT? Or am I some other form of transport? A Skoda perhaps...
It seems that the subject has some disorientation and mass confusion, probably owing to the deep freeze. Of course-
No, Doc. He's really like that...
Then we are truly doomed.

 

by DaveMonkey
2-01-06
It seems that in the three years in deep sleep...
...A lot of things have happened. Wars have been fought, things have come and gone...
...And I still can't think of a decent new joke...
Still coming back to this joke? Megatron laughs at your limitations!BWA HA HA HAAA!!

 

by DaveMonkey
2-10-06
Mr. Monkey, since you were incapacitated for the last three or so years I feel I should tell you this...
Go Ahead.
...Hitler was right. The Jews were planning to take over the world, get their filthy jew-claws on our jobs and defile our aryan women. It's only matter of time before...
Still haven't gotten over that jeweller short changing you, have you?
...Look, if you let me create some sort of bomb made out of pork...
Get out.

 

by DaveMonkey
2-10-06
Hey Trish! Long time, no see.
Dave, you little bastard! I've missed you more than I thought I would!
Do you wanna fu--
I didn't miss you that much.

 

by DaveMonkey
2-10-06
Trish, can you and me... Y'know... Make beautiful music together? Can we... can we bump uglies? Make the beast with... with two backs?
What?
What I'm saying is... is... would you- I mean, is it okay that we make love?
Dave, I would love to. Only I'm up on on blocks... You see, it's my time of... I... I'm using dracula's teabag for a week...
What?

 

by DaveMonkey
2-10-06
Howdy Sir! Can y'all tell me the way to Brokeback Mountain? I'm meeting my boyf- A friend.
Well of course. What you want to do is go straight up Cottaging Avenue, past Getinmy Alley, right at Pushyourshitbackville and another right at Cuppedballsuckdick Street.
You know I'm gay?
I'd be more shocked if anyone DIDN'T know.

 

by DaveMonkey
2-14-06
Don't look at me like that. Port is left, starboard is right. You crashed the fucking thing!

 

by DaveMonkey
2-14-06
Ummm...
"Something... Beginning with 'C'..."
...I mean, apart from the 'C' I'm looking at...
It's Coconut! It's over there! There's no need for name-calling!

 

by DaveMonkey
2-14-06
Look, I have needs. There's not another woman in a 500-mile radius. All I'm saying is--
YOU STAY AWAY!! YOU STAY THE FUCK AWAY AND NOT TALK TO ME AGAIN!!

 

by DaveMonkey
2-14-06
12 Years Ago...
Right, Dave. Can you spell 'Antidisestablishmentarialism'?
Right you are! A-N-T-I-D...
Oh...
I can't believe you got your first erection at a Spelling Bee!
I can't believe my mother videotaped it.

 

by DaveMonkey
2-15-06
...I'm trying to keep calm about this...
...But we... have one tree left... and you chopped down the other for--
Hey look, if you're gonna bitch at me all day, you don't get a shot on the see-saw...

 

by DaveMonkey
2-15-06
See DaveMonkey in his natural environment, casually insulting a booming internet e-commerce...
Fuck eBay. Useless crap sold online by losers who have way too much crap and way too much time on their--
But wait! Watch as he gets sucked into a world of which he has no control. Let's see what happens.
Ooh! Transformers: the Movie and Astro Boy Omega factor are only 99p each! I must bid!
2 Days, 3 Hours and a deep, deep feeling of shame later...
Right, so I got an M.C. Hammer T-Shirt and a bootleg copy of the latest Family Guy episodes. Where do I go to get my life back?
Congratulations! You have successfully won the bid on a Fat Boys album!Sucker!

 

by DaveMonkey
2-16-06
Hey, you'll never guess what.
I quiver with anticipation...
I found a radio beacon and transmitter, and there's some guy speaking french on there!
Holy shit! Really!?!
NO!! We're on a five foot by ten foot island. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK!?!
This place is getting to you, man.

 

by DaveMonkey
2-16-06
...And then she said she doesn't do that kind of thing, so I pushed her on the floor, slit her throat and then proceeded to do it to her anyway. She didn't even thank me for it.
You were expecting the Nobel prize for this or something?
Shit, the LEAST she could have done was applaud. I was going to pay her!

 

by DaveMonkey
2-17-06
Look at him, reading the magazine that washed up on the island. He's never put it down since he got it.
I wish it was asian porn...
I wish I could read...

 

by DaveMonkey
2-20-06
Aha! Mighty Megatron spys a meat-bag who openly defies Mighty Megatron's superiority!
Oh certainly! Once Mighty Megatron is done getting his little girly underwear back form the cleaners, then we can do battle...
Is Mighty Megatron detecting sarcasm?
Mighty Megatron can go fuck off now...

 

by DaveMonkey
2-20-06
Look! There's something out there! A sort of refuse bin with some sort of a stick-thing inside! Look!
You must think I'm the dumbest bastard alive. If I turn and look, you're gonna steal the last coconut!
Fine! Don't believe me. See if I care!
We were sailing aloooooooong.... on moonlight BAAaaaAAAaaaAAAYY!!

 

by DaveMonkey
2-20-06
Have you ever noticed we never talk about politics? What do you think about the current situation with the U.S. President?
I love Bush!
Yessir... I just love Bush... It's Bush all the way for me...
So you agree with what George W. has done in Iraq?
Sorry, I wasn't listening. The who did the what, now?

Showing page 2.

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