All comics by El_Paulo

Profile

 

by El_Paulo
9-09-03
What if Rocker Dave doesn't want to leave?
Then we'll drag him kicking and screaming
Remember that time I dressed in drag, and you kicked and screamed at me?
That depends, which time are you thinking about?
The President's inauguration ball
Oh yeah, I remember

 

by El_Paulo
9-09-03
On behalf of everyone here at Rocker Dave...
...we'd like to thank you for reading this comic...
...it's been going for 50 strips now...
...and we're still waiting for some good jokes...
...but I'm sure some good ones will pop up in the next 50

 

by El_Paulo
9-09-03
Man, there's nothing but clowds in Heaven. They should put in a rollercoaster, or a big-ass waterslide
The people here don't need those things to be happy
Oh, and I suppose they don't need hookers and sweet lady liquor either?
Nope
Jeez, Heaven people are crazy
You said it, Hell boy

 

by El_Paulo
9-09-03
Hey Charlie... do you like my hat?
Sure
No, I mean... do you LIKE my hat?
I'm not sure I understand
FUCK MY HAT, DAMMIT!!!

 

by El_Paulo
10-10-03
Yee-har!
Bark
Yee-har?
Bark, bark bark
Yee-ee-har!
Bark...

 

by El_Paulo
11-09-03
Can you hear that?
It sounds like... rock...
ROCKER DAVE!
ROCKER DAVE!

 

by El_Paulo
11-09-03
Rocker Dave, thank God we finally found you
We've got to get you back to Earth... but how?
Oh right, I remember now

 

by El_Paulo
12-12-03
Back down on Earth...
Well I'm glad we finally got Rocker Dave back from Heaven
Yeah, it kinda dragged near the end didn't it?
What are you going to do about that time-hole-doo-da in your bedroom?
I need to find an object large enough to fill the hole up
I've never done it with a time-hole before...
Oh please

 

by El_Paulo
12-12-03
Man, where am I going to find something big enough to fit in this time-hole?
Hello there! I hope you don't mind, but I've just moved in next door and was wondering if you had some phone numbers for local taxi services?
Stupid elephant

 

by El_Paulo
12-12-03
Rocker Dave, in light of recent events, we at the Supreme Supermen Federation would like you to join our ranks!
Together we can defeat war, crime, famine, disease and the world's many evils forever!
Well, I guess it is kinda idealistic...

 

by El_Paulo
12-12-03
Hey Charlie, it's almost Christmas! I'm so excited I can hardly breathe!

 

by El_Paulo
12-12-03
Man, I love Christmas so much! I wonder what Santa will get me this year?
Cowboy Steve, Christmas isn't just about presents, it's also about family togetherness.
The only family I have left is my brother, Cowboy Luke, and he said if he ever saw me again he'd slice my winky off
Oh
What about your family?
I ran away before my mother ate me

 

by El_Paulo
12-12-03
All I'm saying is that you shouldn't focus purely on the material side of Christmas
But I want things! And stuff! And junk! And booty! And knick-knacks! And whatever else is coming to me!
Oh you'll get what's coming to you alright...
... an Xbox?

 

by El_Paulo
12-12-03
Fuck you
Yeah, I'm talking to you, buddy
Charlie, the carpet's talking to me again!
You fucking dick

 

by El_Paulo
12-24-03
What the...
Cowboy Steve, I am the forebearer! Tonight, and over the next two nights, you will be visited by three ghosts!
They are the ghosts of Christmas Past, Christmas Present, and Christmas Future!
Do I need to bring anything?
Vaseline

 

by El_Paulo
12-24-03
That night...
Beware my almighty power, for I am the Ghost of Christmas Past!
Wait, you're a sock puppet?
Does it matter what appearence I take on? I'm here to teach you a lesson!
Is it a sexy lesson?
No, Cowboy Steve. I am here to teach you about the perils of unprotected sex with animals...
Why do you torment me so, oh Ghost of Christmas Past?!?!

 

by El_Paulo
12-24-03
The next night...
I am the Ghost of Christmas Present! Look and see the pain and suffering you have caused!
But I don't have an employee named Bob Cratchitt
No, I meant look at my ass

 

by El_Paulo
12-24-03
And on the third night...
COWBOY STEVE -- I AM THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE -- BEEP BOOP
What do you want of me? What? WHAT?
BEEP BOOP
I'll get the oil can

 

by El_Paulo
12-26-03
Christmas morning...
Happy Christmas, Cowboy Steve! What's the matter, you seem kind of pale
Hey Charlie, do you believe in ghosts?
Of course not, it's a ridiculous idea peddled only by maniacs... wait, you think you saw some ghosts, didn't you?
Yeah, but that doesn't make me a maniac, does it?
No, those shrunken heads you have impaled on spikes in the front garden make you a maniac
First the neighbours, then the council, and now you!

 

by El_Paulo
12-26-03
Well what did these... *ahem* 'ghosts' look like?
Well, there were four of them
The first was a normal ghost, then there was a sock puppet, then a dog, and then a robot
Did these ghosts have anything in common?
Sphincter blisters

 

by El_Paulo
12-26-03
Look Cowboy Steve, I'm not saying you're lying, but... well okay, you're lying
You don't understand, I think they visited me for a reason!
They taught me that being selfish was against the spirit of Christmas, and that I should be more giving towards others
What do you mean?
Turn around

 

by El_Paulo
3-31-04
Hey Charlie, have you seen The Passion Of The Christ yet?
I'm not sure I want to, Cowboy Steve
Why not?
I just wonder what Jesus makes of it all...
Bling!

 

by El_Paulo
10-02-04
Gee Charlie, there hasn't been a Rocer Dave strip for months
I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation
So what do we do now?
I suggest we carry on from where we left off
Which was?
Bend over

 

by El_Paulo
10-02-04
Charlie, I have a question
Go ahead
Why are we stuck in prison?
You interrupted the Fathers 4 Justice protest, remember?
Ah yes... they didn't take too kindly to my 'Cowboys 4 Animals' banner
There was purple powder everywhere!

 

by El_Paulo
10-02-04
I thought the police were far too rough with me
Well you did push one of them off their horse, shouting "IT'S MY TURN!"
Do you see it when they set the police dogs on me?
Ah yes...
And then I set myself on the police dogs!
Their sniffing days are over

 

by El_Paulo
11-27-04
Charlie, prison is scary. This morning a big man came up to me in the shower and said he wants to make kisses with us
That's it, we have to get out of here
He had arms the size of tree trunks and lots of racist tattoos. He smacked me on the bottom and laughed
But how can we escape? The bars are impossible to move and the guards watch us around the clock
He also seemed to have three legs, although only two of them had feet. Maybe his disability is what drove him to a life of crime
Maybe I could just walk through the bars, like T-1000?

 

by El_Paulo
11-27-04
So how are we going to escape? What's the plan?
No need for escape, I've arranged a meeting with a top lawyer!
A lawyer? What's that for?
I've lodged an appeal, saying that our human rights have been infringed
But what about you? You're not human
You can hide me in your underpants!

 

by El_Paulo
11-27-04
Thank you Mr. Lawyer for helping us at such short notice
My name is not Mr. Lawyer. My name is Mr. Lawyerson. Please use this correct term in all future contact between us
Um... sure, okay
In hiring me, Mr. Lawyerson, as your lawyer, you have chosen the world's number one pre-teen legal representative
...pre-teen?
Well, number two if you include Attorney Baby, the baby attorney. That kid's good!

 

by El_Paulo
11-27-04
So exactly how old are you?
I'm 9 and 7 months
Aren't you a bit young to be a lawyer?
Sir, I assure you that in hiring me you have at your disposal a lean, mean, legal machine
Well, when you put it like that then I can't see a problem!
Where is the toilet? I need to tinkle

 

by El_Paulo
11-27-04
I should really talk this over with my colleague
Of course. I shall go to the corner and carve rude words in the wall
So what do you think? Should we go with him?
Let me have a word with him
Now listen here, sonny! Lawyering is a tough business! Do you really have the balls to handle a case like ours? Do ya? DO YA?
My briefcase is full of apple cores

 

by El_Paulo
11-28-04
What do your mum and dad make of all this lawyer stuff?
Mother and father are dead
Oh, geez, I'm sorry kid
They were both eaten by bears whilst I was just 3 months old
That's awful... and I suppose they were lawyers, and you want to follow in their footsteps?
No, they were bear dentists

 

by El_Paulo
11-28-04
So do you have any brothers?
My younger brother Tommy was choked by a rattlesnake
Sisters?
My older sister Cathrine was trambled by cows
...cousins?
Shot to death by terrapins

 

by El_Paulo
12-29-04
Hello there, I'm Hollywood actor Brad Pitt, and I'm looking for the nearest payphone. Do you know where one would be located?
Cock off!
Hey! Now listen here! I'm Hollywoof actor Brad Pitt, and nobody talks like that to me! Who do you think you are?
Chief Inspector Twat Tit!
Hollywood actor Brad Pitt doesn't have to listen to this!
Minge!

 

by El_Paulo
12-29-04
Hello there! What are you doing down here? I thought you humans couldn't stay underwater for long periods of time without the aid of special breathing equipment! Yet you don't seem to have any!
Wait... of course! Those special shoes must give you extra special underwater powers! You must be a king, such is your obvious wisdom - I am in awe! In fact, I might even be... in love
I'm going to swim into your pants now

 

by El_Paulo
12-29-04
"Dear Oscar... despite our obvious mutual attraction, I write this letter to inform you that our love cannot be"
"I feel I should honour my marriage commitment, despite its current loveless state... also, I am a bumblebee"
Dammit, when will man and bumblebee be allowed to live in harmony?
Is now a bad time?

 

by El_Paulo
1-05-05
Good news Stalinbot, we are now in place to shoot Earth with our Communism Ray!
Fantastic, Furryhatbot!
Is there anything you'd like to say to mark this historic occasion?
I need to use the little comrade's room
Too late

 

by El_Paulo
1-05-05
At last, Earth will fall under our red-starred regime!
Victory is mine!
No comrade, victory is 'ours' - communism, remember?
No! I can't stand sharing everything anymore!
But you love sharing Quality Street, the communist chocolate selection box!
That sharing is only brought about by disgust and peanut allergies!

 

by El_Paulo
1-05-05
I can't believe you've revoked your communistship! Such action is a direct violation of our mission brief!
I did not read the mission brief and I do not intend to do so in the near future!
How can you say such things? Our mission brief was decided upon by a top team of 75,500,000,000 communist robots!
Exactly! Don't you see? That's the entire population of Commubotopia! Can't you see how unnecessarily long and pointless that process was?
It sounds like someone needs a big communist sharing hug!
HUGS ARE FOR THE WEAK!!!!

 

by El_Paulo
1-05-05
Let's just forget about all this fighting and just fire the Communism Ray towards Earth, hey?
No, because that is not an unrelated thing we can both agree on! It is a directly related thing we've just been disagreeing about!
I know, but let's just sweap all that under the carpet and fire this thing off, okay?
No! That is obviously not okay! As I have just said, I am in strict disagreement with that precise action!
I understand what you're saying, but let me just fire the ray and we can talk about this afterwards
Run:\suicide.exe

 

by El_Paulo
3-31-05
Hello Mr. Stickman! Why are you sitting in that bin?
I am a victim of my own success
What success is that?
Bin bag hide-and-seek

 

by El_Paulo
9-01-05
So here we are, the charred remains of the planet Earth
All I said was "don't use the death ray"
I thought you said "use the death, Ray"
But that doesn't make any sense! And your name's not Ray!
Don't shout at me, Ray
MY NAME'S NOT RAY EITHER!!!

 

by El_Paulo
9-01-05
Look on the bright side, Stalinbot! We've got a whole planet to ourselves!
What use is an empty planet?
HIDE AND SEEK!!!!!
One... two... three...

 

by El_Paulo
9-01-05
Gah, I can't find Furryhatbot anywhere... wait... if I go back to the ship, I can leave him behind! I'll never have to see him again!
Haha, this is genius! Why didn't I think of it before? So long Furryhatbot, you big piece of rusty crap!
Now so long as nothing unexpected happens...

 

by El_Paulo
9-01-05
Stalinbot is dragged to a secret location...
Who are you? What's going on?
My name is Steve Fletchwell. I used to be an accountant until your death ray almost killed me
I thought everyone was dead!
Your death ray blew up a lorry carrying radioactive material just as I was walking past. The contents sprayed over me, giving me the power to survive the apocalypse
And also turned you into a jellyfish-faced, tenticle-weilding, winged monster-beast
No, I've always looked like this

 

by El_Paulo
9-01-05
Wait, we did studies of the human race on my home planet. They don't look anything like you
Hey, I was teased my whole life for my appearance, I don't intend to take any more crap now it's the apocalypse
But... you're not human! Anyone can tell that just by looking at you!
Stop it...
I mean, you face looks like an unkempt armpit!
WAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

 

by El_Paulo
9-01-05
Recap: Charlie and Cowboy Steve's only hope of escaping a lengthy prison sentence is a 9-year-old lawyer...
So what do you think? Is he any good?
I don't think we have a choice
So what's our story?
Mistaken identity
But I'm a talking dog and you're a buffoon cowboy, who could they have confused us with?
Dammit, Paris Hilton and George W Bush jokes are just too damn easy

 

by El_Paulo
9-01-05
Okay kid, you're hired. How strong a case do we have?
It's gonna be tough, but I have a plan
Excellent! What is it?
A mixture of over-the-top character witnesses and good old-fashioned lying! The trial starts in the morning
Great, do I need to bring anything?
A complete contempt and disregard of our legal system would be perfect

Showing page 2.

« Previous