All comics by Headphones_Annie

Profile

 

And you: is there something that I can address you by?
Do I give 'er my real name or do I go with something more pretentious? "Abraxas" sounds like a bit much. So does "Vlad"...
What about "Kaine"?
Naaaah!

 

My name... is... Jesus.
Your name is Jesus?
Okay, it's Braden, but you can just call me Jesus anyways.

 

! ... Well, if you get to be Jesus, then can I change my name, too?
Oh- yeah, sure! Whaddaya wanna be called?
"Glory". She was my favourite bad guy on 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' last season. Her closet was filled with Anna Sui and her hair was always great.
Or maybe I'm more of a "Thelma"... Did I mention I've got a thing for knocking off drug stores and driving over cliffs?
Hmm... I think I like "Minnie" better.
Me, too.

 

So, what kind of ice cream is your favourite?
Whatever tickles.
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
"And in recent news: your date has you by the balls!"

 

Meanwhile, at the Voodoo Lounge...
Hi, can I order a Coke & Lime? Oh! And can I steal one of these cherries?
Sure, that'll be two bucks!
~smile, flirt~ Two bucks? Just for a cherry?
~smile~ Well, isn't that all a cherry's worth these days?
~gasp, laugh~ Ooooh!
~chuckle~ Hey, you started it!

 

by Headphones_Annie
10-05-02
Some days....
...don'tcha just wonder...
...WHY?
Maybe it isn't worth asking...

 

by Headphones_Annie
10-05-02
Hello, Rosie.
Hello, Betty.
Ever wonder why we bother carrying these canes around when they don't even reach the ground?
No.
(...!?)
I figured it was for the same reason men have nipples.

 

by Headphones_Annie
10-05-02
Say, Rosie?
Yeah, Betty?
Do you ever wish we were young again?
(Long pause.)
I'm coming up with new uses for this cane, girl.

 

by Headphones_Annie
10-05-02
No, really, I mean it now. Don'tch y'ever wish it?
Well, what good does wishin' do, Betty? Our boobs are already down to our knees an' it's not like you can actually see me standin' here!
It's been a long time since there was a point in a girdle and half the time we're sharin' the same teeth! We hain't young, an' we hain't never gonna be ag'in!
(Long pause.)
But... what if we COULD be?
Betty... some days... I swear... you're tryin' ta git me ta kill ya.

 

by Headphones_Annie
10-05-02
Y'know... it wouldn't take much for you to humour me a little. Don't think about afterwards, eh-- just go ahead an' try ta picture it. Try real hard!
~sigh~ Alright. (The things I do for you...)
((BLAP))
Rosie, when I said "Try real hard"...
What? You were there. I was a gassy child!

 

by Headphones_Annie
10-05-02
Now, we been old gits fer a long time, Betty. So what's got you suddently on this trip about youth?
Well, I was hopin' that if we imagined it hard enough, we could actually defy the common laws of reality that are generally accepted.
So you're hopin' for a miracle is what yer sayin'.

 

by Headphones_Annie
10-05-02
Don'tchya think y'could try it again? Just for me? An old lady who ain't got too many years left?
Betty, we're twins.

 

by Headphones_Annie
10-05-02
Couldn't ya just cooperate for ONCE, Rose?!?!
Okay, FINE!!!
Are ya happy now?

 

by Headphones_Annie
10-05-02
So.
So.
Are ya ready to thank me yet?
Hold on! I'm still gettin' used to the idea that I have urinary control again!
Well, it's true.

 

by Headphones_Annie
10-09-02
Hi!
It's us, again!
Question: if you were a lesbian and you had an alt-country band...
...what would you name it?
Answer: The Northern Dykes!
(So help me god, if anyone makes any fish jokes...)

 

by Headphones_Annie
10-20-02
Lord, my spirit is heavy with repentance.
I see...
So you're saying it gives you a SINKING feeling?
*snicker*

 

by Headphones_Annie
10-20-02
Hey, wait-
WEIGHT! That's funny!
Hee hee!

 

by Headphones_Annie
10-20-02
Jesus, please!
Hey-hey-hey! Watch the taking my name in vain stuff!
*pause*
You're not really Jesus, are you?
Oh, ye of little faith...

 

by Headphones_Annie
10-20-02
I feel as though there is no one else that I can talk to about this...
Hm. Well. Do you think that could be due to the fact that: 1) you're a guy with a cement block where his feet used to be,
2) I'm a dead god (STILL nailed to a tree, by the way),
and 3) we're at the bottom of the FREAKING OCEAN?!!?!?
*gAsP!* Jesus!
What? I said "freaking".

 

by Headphones_Annie
10-20-02
You know, I've come to a decision: I should be able to say "fucking" without reprimand! I've earned it!
I mean, Christ! There's big iron spikes through my hands and feet, they've been there for 2000 years,
I'm emaciated, dressed in rags, bleeding to death, get resurrected just so I can die again, and don't even get me started on sex.
I had to turn away a gorgeous woman who loved me dearly just because my father said so. (Did you SEE what he did with the first batch of sinners?)
I wouldn't be such a Daddy's boy if it weren't for the fact that I'm his favourite and he's really sentimental-- and he could smite me into less than dust if he was feeling pissy.
God... can't a Jew swear once in a while?

 

by Headphones_Annie
11-09-02
At a moving-in party...
Hi, my name's Yvonne. I'm an ex-roommate of Lani's. I don't think we've met before. What's your name?
Drazil, hi-- and no, I don't htink we have met before. (*schmooze, flirt*) What do you do for a living? Wait! Lemme guess! ...The music industry? Jazz!
What would make you think that? We just met! *angry* You're stereotyping me cuz I'm Black! I'm Black so I must be in Jazz! Isn't that right?
What?! Hey, LOOK, sister-
Oh, so now I'm your "sister"? Let's see, why would you call me that? Could it be: cuz I'm Black?
Well, I'll say one thing: it sure ain't cuz o' them scales you've got!

 

by Headphones_Annie
11-09-02
Okay, ya got me. It's cuz y're Black.
I knew it!

 

by Headphones_Annie
11-09-02
But can you blame me? All the greatest female jazz singers have been African-American! And you've got that "jazzy vibe" around you!
"Jazzy vibe"??? What the hell do you mean by "jazzy vibe"? You'd better explain this to me.
Well, you know... It's-- JAZZY...... with the--THING... that-- JAZZES... 'N' stuff.
Uh-HUH. "It's jazzy with the thing that jazzes... 'N' stuff".
. . . . . . I'm drownin', aren't I?
OH yeah. Big time.

 

by Headphones_Annie
11-09-02
Y'know what? I'm sorry. I guess I was stereotyping you, there... and it was wrong of me. I apologise.
Hey, that's alright. Let's just call it a learning experience. I'm sure it won't happen again.
Oh, no, no! It won't happen again.
Great. *smile* I think I'm gonna go get a glass of wine. Be back in a moment.
Hey, man-- that chick you were talkin' to is hot! . . . She's Black; is she a Jazz singer? And can you get me her phone number?
I wonder what Black women panties looks like.

 

by Headphones_Annie
11-10-02
Ah, you've returned. For a minute I wondered if you were more put off then you seemed after our previous conversation and weren't coming back.
Oh, that. Don't worry about it. It's done now... So! Tell me about yourself. I'm sure you lead an interesting life.
. . . It's cuz I'm a lizard, isn't it?
(*pause*) Yes. And I don't feel bad saying that. You're an enormous lizard in a dress shirt and tie. What am I supposed to think?
Well damn, ya got me there. It's true: I AM an enormous lizard in a dress shirt and tie. Armani, even. But if only you knew...
It's not easy being red.

 

by Headphones_Annie
11-10-02
I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand. Give it to me straight, woman! Will you go out with me or not?
What? No! YOU'RE A LIZARD. Need to be the same species! I don't even want to THINK about the physical repercussions. *shudder* Nether-regions salmonella infection... Ulch!
There's kinky and then there's crossing the line. Ach, this is disgusting. I'm out of here.
So-o-o-o . . . predictably, that's a "no"?
Love is a fascist ideal!

 

by Headphones_Annie
11-10-02
I should have used the Shatner voice.

 

by Headphones_Annie
12-24-02
Mario Cuomo said, "The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday they might force their beliefs on us."
Yeah, well what does he know!
And suddenly, a surprise interception from Iraq! And Satan! (And a big cigarette!)
Ha, ha! I am winning! No matter who dies! Stupid humans! Stupid politicians! Ha, ha, haaaa! Don't they realise they're all my minions?
Tsk! I know what you mean... sailor!
. . .
Okay, so I was wrong . . . Go Mario Cuomo!

 

by Headphones_Annie
12-24-02
Charles Dickens said, "It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human nature and affect to despise it..."
"...are among its worst and least pleasant examples."
Do you think he was right?
Mmm, nah. He was just in a pissy mood cuz his wife wouldn't give it up.
*snicker*
But it's so true!!!

 

by Headphones_Annie
12-24-02
He's...
the...
reason...
I...
wear...
panties.

 

by Headphones_Annie
12-24-02
If there is no God... then who cleans the cat litter?
Christ, what's that smell?
I already told you, it wasn't Me!

 

by Headphones_Annie
12-24-02
So says the Wall Street Journal to watch out for guys with erasers when you make your mark in the world.
Hm! I just came back from the washroom and I'm still here!
Yeah, I know, eh!
Haw, haw! Silly Americans!
What the hell do they understand!

 

by Headphones_Annie
12-29-02
Who You Might Be Talking To On DeadJournal...
Nobody understands me. I'm a horrible monster. I'm evil. I want to die...
Gawd, you're such a poseur! Obviously I'm WAY more evil! AND more depressed! Who do you think you ARE? Cthulhu??? Ha, ha, ha!
. . .
Would it help if I said my eyes glow?
Twink.

 

by Headphones_Annie
12-29-02
Who You Might Be Talking To On DeadJournal...
Dear /yaoi_boi_slash/ community: I'm, like, s-o-o-o-o addicted to Draco/Harry sexfic! D+H=#1! ;D
No way! Snape & Dumbledore! ^_~ That old guy knows things and Snape's like Reznor in 20 years, but with a "magic wand"! (Hee hee!)

 

by Headphones_Annie
12-29-02
Who you might be talking to on DeadJournal...
Dear /xfiles_forever/ community... He's too dreamy.
David Duchovny, why won't you love me?

 

by Headphones_Annie
12-29-02
Who you might be talking to on DeadJournal...
>Gods, I'm bored. ¬_¬; Quiz time. 'Which carebear are you?' Whee, Braveheart.
I hope I get Cheer Bear...

 
Hey, do you think those dead guys have any nuts I could steal?
Yes! Loot their rotting bodies! Happy New Year!

 
Prison sucks!
*giggle* I know! -Champagne?

 
My home! You blew up my home!
Yes! For your own good!

 
HA! Now you're on OUR turf! Say your prayers, hellspawn! Ahahahahahaaaaa! . . . By the way, Happy New Year! (G_d loves you.)

 

"Dear Marvin . . . You lack in the sack. (Sincerely, Diane) -->P.S. Happy New Year!"
. . . So you got fired, eh?

 

*sex noises*
Oh, by the way Honey, I'm pregnant.
. . .
It's always about you, isn't it?

 

(last one)
*singing* "May old acquaintance be forgot . . ." -- You know, nobody knows the words to that anymore.
*pause* You're right, Denise. In 20 years no one's even going to sing the first line. We'll just hum the tune.
Yeah, and give it another hundred years and we won't even do that.
You think? Hm!
*silence*
Happy New Year, Cassidy!
Gezundheit.

 

Love itself is spectacular... it's all the surrounding details which factor in that suck.
Therefore: f*ck the variables!
Especially, f*ck unrequited variables...

 

You know, salminella and love have a lot in common.
Oh yeah? Wazzat?
Well...
They both make ya sick!
!

 

~* Love *~ . . .
: : sigh : :
. . .
. . .
. . . it is a killing thing.
Anguish- still- unbearably- sexy!- Ach!

 

Who you might be talking to on DeadJournal...
: : whirr, click, whirr : : // >>LOGIN successful!
[v4mpg0thchyld3]: >Hello, I'm terribly goth. You can tell by my username. I'm a vampchylde! (:-F
[never_been_bit]: >Good evening. As you can tell from my username, I'm really innocent . . . . . . . >A/S/L?

 

Who you might be talking to on DeadJournal...
(anonymous loser): >Hi, you are [scsi], so you can gibb0r me kodes!! K THX!!!
*++mood = rampage*

 

I died for your sins.
What, am I supposed to feel guilty?
Yes.
But I wasn't even born yet!
Exactly.
That makes perfect sense !!

 

by Headphones_Annie
11-23-03
Dear God...
...
crap.

Showing page 2.

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