All comics by Headphones_Annie

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And so it begins...
Getting ready to start another harrowing week of BREATHING??? Is your forehead already dripping with blood?
Yes...
Well, leave the nails and needles in the cutlery drawer because life is about to change!
Okay!
Letter: "Dear Marvin, don't these look like pictures of your dog cut up into little pieces? xox, Judy."
Welcome to Saskatoon!

 

Yeah?
Ken?
. . .
K E N -- wake up.
Wut?

 

Hey, check out /Canadian Harlem/ #2-- "Welcome To Hell"!
Is this building up to something? Should we maybe expect something funny to happen around about, say, part 50?
LEAVE HER ALONE SHE IS JUST DOING HER THING! SHE HAS A HEART OF GOLD and you are CRUSHING IT!
i'm just a girl! what do you WANT from me! all i can offer is SEXUAL REFUGE!!! God! *bawl*
Just cuz it amused me and i wanted to remember the discussion...
Can I have an ice cream cone?

 
$3,000,000. Meditate.

 
Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.

 
No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.

 

It was a strip to kill time for those who liked it better dead...
Damn, we're ugly...
And annoying.

 

Sometimes innocence is just an excuse for the guilty!
You've been watching Deep Space 9 again, haven't you?
Yes. I've also been fantasizing about Major Kira Noreese's supple naked body.
Learn when to stop, Denise.

 

Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Hm. I dunno about that. A falling bomb directed at my home would certainly make me feel less militaristically powerful than whomever sent it. Kind of like if someone blew up my country's trade centre.
Hey, you're American aren't you, Denise?
Fuck you, Cassidy.
I thought so.

 

There is no substitute for good manners.
Except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
You know... they knew about the messed up flight path-
Shut up, Cassidy.
Alright.

 

Skippity, skippity...
Hey Cassidy, what was Ms.Brown's reason for detention today?
Oh, she wanted to keep me in after school because of my "approach during math class".
Okaaaay... and?
I said, "As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?"
Yeeeeah... She didn't much like that.

 
Save energy: be apathetic.

 

Dear Jesus: my life sux and i want to die.
Oh my goodness! I shall have to tell you something to make it better!
Sweetheart, you look like a million dollars.
Cuz you're all green and wrinkled! BWAhahahahahahahaaaa!
...
That didn't work, did it?

 

Got a new quote for you! "There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty, Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the Fatherland." Guess who!
I dunno.
Hitler!
Christ!
I know, I know... And just imagine how I feel! I'm White!
God damn it, it never gets better hanging here...

 

Hitler sucks. Nazis suck. Adolph was the devil.
Hey, hey now! You kids didn't know him, but I DID! Hitler was a very sweet man who was kind to eagles, grass, and fat German babies.
I'm not going to have you speaking ill of him! I mean, what if he could HEAR you?
Har-har-har!
... 'Kay, that was a no-no, wasn't it?
You people have to tell me these things.

 

Hey, Jeez? I got a question.
Yeah, alright, Bob. What izzit?
How's a man supposed to go pee in dignity?
Yeah, I didn't think so.
Fuck you, Bob.

 
God hates me.

 
We see you when you're sleeping, we know when you're awake...

 

It's not easy...
... being creepy.
Well, THAT was a lie.
*snicker*

 

Heyyyy, pretty bay-beh! Wanna go for a ride?
Well I'm only 10 and you're a guy with no legs, but sure, what the hell. It's Saskatoon.
I guess it's time to show you who I really am!
Huh? What the-
Little girl, my name is Captain Gastro and it's a good thing that pimp wasn't really a pimp but was just me in disguise, PRETENDING to be a pimp!
Christ! How am I gonna buy comic books NOW?

 

There! You have been saved from the dangers of the West Side! Another child's virginity saved!
For later.
This is why Canada needs to change their gun laws.

 

So now that I've protected your entire future from the ravages of the child sex trade, isn't there something you'd like to say?
Oh, you mean like "My HERO"?
*gAsP!* Why, THANK you!
Or "You've saved my innocence! However shall I repay you?"
*tsk* Awwww... you're so sweet. *sNiFfLe!* No one's ever been this kind to me before...
You're not professionally licensed, are you?

 

Gosh, Captain Gastro, you've SO saved the day! Whatever can I do to make it up to you? Throw a big party? Run a column in the paper? Bribe the mayor to give you the key to the city?
Heh, well, I don't really need any thanking-
Oh, don't be MODEST! I OWE you! In fact, what if I just STRIP right here and LAY OUT FOR YOU like a THAI SCHOOLGIRL?
...
You know you waaaaaaaaant it.

 

Now, young lady, that is no way to talk! You should be ashamed of yourself!
Was my grammar that bad?
...
What?

 

Ach! Don't play games with me now! You know what I was talkin' about!
Oh, and DO I!
Hey!
Straw!

 

I can't believe you said those things to me! What's wrong with you?
You mean besides having an enormous head?

 

I mean it, now! Do you have a mother?
Why, yes, yes I do.
And where is she all of the time?
Off sellin' it, like me.
And what's her name?
I knew it, you ARE a pimp!!!

 

Okay, so you're not a pimp. But since you get to ask nosey questions I'm gonna ask you nosey questions!
!
What's YOUR first name?
Superheros don't have first names!
Oh, come on! I bet it's Dexter. Or Dilbert.

 

Garfield. Linus. Dagwood. Archie. Sherman. HAGAR.
Nope, nope, na-nope-nope-nope!
Ach! Well, what is it, then? Tell me!
It's gonna cost ya.
This is because of before, isn't it?

 

Charlie, Slick, Tobor, MELVIN!
Melvin?! What comic is "Melvin" from?
I dunno, I just figured there's got to be one somewhere with a guy named Melvin in it. It's one of those names.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . Damn you.
Oh, I'm gooooood.

 

You know, we just passed up an awesome opportunity for a Rumplestiltskin joke.
Yeah, but the name thing was gettin' old kinda quick, don't you think?
Yeah. This whole Captain Gastro run, actually, is getting a bit stale.
So what should we do about it?
(It just wouldn't have been sociologically accurate otherwise.)
I know! Wanna come to my place and smoke some pot?
Of course!

 

Hey, Denise! Guess what! Cat urine glows under a black light!
Ugh! Cassidy, you are SO messed up. Dare I ask HOW you found this out?
Well, we were out of cereal and in a last-ditch effort at breakfast, I turned to the cat box. Apparently, Marky, my little brother, had decided to take over the closet and was moving his stuff in.
And... he had a black light set up in there?
*pause* - Yeah.
Oh, you are SO full of SHIT!

 
Damn, does it ever feels weird being on the right.

 

I've got 15 bucks. That could get me a pack of smokes, a coffee, and a doughnut with those little--
So what are we doing down here at the cop shop, anyways?
Oh. I had to post bail for my mother again. She's really being stupid these days with getting caught.
(!?) Um... I don't wanna overstep my bounds here or anything Cass, but... I don't think that her gettin' hauled in's the real prob'em here...
.. What? .. A lady's gotta 'fford cable.
"Cable"??? ... What the hell kinda rocks 'you ~on~? Satellite!

 

Ten minutes pass. Then twenty...
So where IZzat bag, N-E-way?
Oh, I dunno. Prob'ly found her some bizness while she was bein' escorted out tha door.
Whew! Your mom can DO that?
Yeah. She's a MILF.
An uncomfortable silence.
...!?
Uh-m, not that I'd like to 'do' my mom.

 

So very alone... my soul has never known such darkness and my heart such profuse sadness. I feel that I shall never have the love I yearn for...
There is no one else upon this earth who will ever desire my affections... I am DOOMED to this horrible existence of eternal solitude!
The heart is my burden...
I feel I am losing my sanity... So hard to hold on...
GOD! WHY CAN'T I GET A DATE?!?!

 

Gotta get out of the house. I'm going mad here. Where can I go to escape this torture???
Of course!
*Sip'n'Chat Coffeehouse
Misery loves company.

 

*complain, complain, cry, pout, bitch, rant, brag, gossip*
I can't stand it here anymore. Everyone is so terminally distressed. Off to someplace nicer...
Ahhhhhhhh. Much better.
But now I'm alone.

 

Back to my solitary wanting and circling throughts... So alone.
FOREVER. Alone...
Hel-lo, "Gruesome".
Alone...

 

*Thanks to my friend Sara for the punchline of this one.
I hear the screams of the damned when I close my eyes. It turns me on.
So disturbing... I just can't help wanting her!
Nice shoes, by the way. Wanna fuck?
They're Armani, circa 1985. I paid 10,000 for them, but just couldn't resist wearing them anyway. And in a graveyard, no less.
I haven't felt so alive...
I vant to suck your toes...

 

Did he hear me? Maybe he's not interested and is trying to spare my feelings... How gentlemanly. That only makes me want him more. *sigh*
A chick is talking to me-- actually TALKING to me. And she's so pretty... I can't believe she's TALKING to me! What do I say?
*gAsP!* Maybe it isn't chivalry! He might be very slyly SNUBBING me! The BASTARD! ARGH!!!! ... He's SO hot.
We already talked shoes. Ack! If I don't come up with something witty real soon that'll be it and no female will ever talk to me again in my LIFE!
God, I'll just stare at his feet until he walks away. Or maybe he'll shoot me and spare me the pain... (Mmm, sexy feet... Sexy anguish!)
She must think I'm an idiot by now... ***************** Hey, hold up a second... Did she just hit on me a minute ago?

 

I wish he'd just say SOMETHING.
I bet if I just stay quiet I'll be safe and she'll say something so I don't have to.
GOD, he's sexy.
I am so fucked.

 

The torment is killing me. I should just walk away right now and stop punishing myself like this. (It's NOT cuz I'm fat, it's NOT cuz I'm fat...)
I can feel opportunity slipping away and I don't know what to do. If only I'd had an older brother... I'm panicking. I can FEEL it.
I have to move. Like, NOW!
If I don't take action right this instant I am going to hate myself until the day I die. And then maybe even after that, for a long time. In Hell.
Moving! Moving! C'mon, you can do it! ... Fuck it, just RUN!
(( ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! )) So, um... do you like cheese?

 

YESSSS! He spoke back! He likes me! ... And cheese!
Holy handcuffs! I actually SAID something! But are we really going to have a discussion about mold? Gawd, talking about cheese is like talking about WINE.
Why yes, as a matter of fact! I LOVE the stuff! And funny you should mention it-- cuz there's this great cheese shop right around the corner from MY PLACE.
*gAsP!* She mentioned her place-- that means that she's gonna want me to come over after. But I like her... I don't want her to get the wrong idea!
I bet he's a "cat person". He'll love Alex! And I can show him photographs and some of my art! He might kiss me!
Well, mmmaybe sometime you can take me there-- to this cheese shop, I mean. Not that I don't want to see your place!!! Just... say, do you like ice cream?

 

And now a short break from the ridiculous (and highly accurate) Gothic dating scenario that's been going on. A Denise 'n' Cassidy moment!
Did you know that when people have sore throats it's cuz the back of their throat is ROTTING?
Really? 'Kay, you're not kidding me, are you? *moan* That's so horrible and it's always going to bother me now!
I know. And that was the entire point of telling you.
*pause* This is revenge for something petty, isn't it?
Absolutely.
I thought so.

 

Suppose I were to walk up and bite you. I mean, REALLY BITE you. What would you do?
Um... I might crack a smile, but other than that? Prob'ly nuthin'.
You mean, you wouldn't even slap or bite back?
Uhhh, nope! I might go get tested, but... Zero slappage!
Aw, that's so sweet! (I feel a song coming on...)

 

Before we get back to the lovecats... one last word: the grand rule of thumb here in "Canadian Harlem"!
It's all fun'n'games . . . Drumroll, please!
Bada-bada-bada-bada-
'Till someone loses their PEZ!
(Ta-DAAA!)
Thank you. You may now return to wasting company time playing Nethack and surfing eBay.
Monkeys!

 

I have a question.
Um, I could have an answer. Ask away.
Are you romantically attached to anyone?
Not anyone considered to be alive.
!
Um, that didn't come out the way I meant it to, like, at ALL. Let me rephrase that...

 

You're not one of those creepy necrophiliac people, are you?
No, no, ack, NO.
Oh. Cuz I kind of find them to be facinating.
Erm, like, in a clinical sort of way, right?
Oh, yes! I spent three years living on a ward with a chick who liked dead things. She was very nice...
That wasn't quite what I meant... (but at least there's one less thing that I have to be curious about).

 

So, uh, I never really did catch your name, there.
Oh! It's Minnie!
"Minnie"?
Yeah.
I wonder if-
Yes, I hate mouse jokes.

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