All comics by JonProctor

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by JonProctor
4-08-05
What seems to be the problem, Steve?
I look like a friggin' fly. I wanted to look as normal as I used to.
1 week later..............
What do you think of your new appearance, Steve?
I'm gonna kill you with a gun.
After a visit to the antique shop down the road..............
Lick the tip of this, moron!
Oh, no. I have kids and a wife that keeps kicking me when I get fired. Don't kill me!

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
I don't wanna get bullied by you, Warren. I'm too gaylordish.
What if I wanna break your legs? Who's gonna stop me? Nobody, because I'm too tough.
Help, mommy! The bullie's got me.
Mom, my legs!
I told you I'm unstoppable. Next, I'm gonna get you when you're outta hospital.

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
You're a brave boy, Gaydome. I'm so proud of you.
Mom, the bully is gonna get me again. When you leave he's gonna jump out on me. And you look like a piece of turd and smell like Dad's deformed ass!
So his mom beat the shit out of him because of that!
Mommy, don't do this.
Ow, my legs.

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
Well, well, well. Look who we have here.
Leave me alone, dumbass!
Ow, my legs!
You're the dumbass!
Ow, my legs!

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
Son, what're you doing on the floor?
Mom and the bully beat the shit outta me.
I've heard what you said about my ass, you little shit.
Dad, don't!
That'll teach you, ya little shit.

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
Son, I came back to say sorry about your legs.
I'll never forgive you, bitch!
Oh, my legs. Shit!
Watch your language, young man!

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
Where were you on the night of Gaydomb's death?
What do you want to know, Ass-chicken?
A brutal killing later.............
Everything. The fact that Gaydomb isn't dead. But he will be...........
They'll never know. Ha ha ha!
I know.

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
What website are you on, Gerald?
Porn. I think I'm gonna have to click it off.
Why are you gonna click it off? I can't even look away.
I don't really want to talk about it, Kag.
Aw, come on, tell me.
'Cause it's gay porn and it's turning me on!

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
Oh, I can't look. Kag's friend's next door and I can't look at the screen!
Oh, yeah. Give it to me. I've been a nad boy.
Oh, what the hell. Oh, Leo!
What's happening, Cheeky?
Oh, yes!
Keep it down or Kag'll hear. sshhhh

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
MMMMM.
Agghh! You scared me. How're you doing?
Why are you half naked and where's Leo?
You idiot!
Leave my boyfriend alone!

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
Shocking and Brutal killing in a house not far from here. It was all over two boys having naughty fun in the bedroom.
Tim, why is the table shaking.
Sorry about that shocking behaviour from Tim. It's all been taken care of. If you see Leo Clarke, report him to the police. Thanks for watching.
Me too!
Help. I've been shot by Leo and shoved behind this sign.

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
Er.........I know this might sound strange but.......er.......my wife left me and I want to chase skirt and I layed eyes on you. Wanna get outta here?
Well, that depends. Who's place? Mine or yours?
Let's make this quick. My mom's home in ten minutes.
Ok, sexy.
Your tits are huge!
So's your thingy.

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
The next day.........
What a night. I'm famished.
Me too, Brian.
Phew, I hit it big time. So, how was I?
Let's get married!
The answer's yes, Tina!
Oh, yeah!

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
Do you, Brian Alldone, take Tina Sastburg to be your lawful wedded knife?
Lawful wedded what? Knife? No. I'll take her as my wife, though.
And do you Tina Satsburg take Brian Alldone to ruin your life?
What? No. I'll take him as my hubbie though and shag his brains out.
"You may shag the bride."..........
We're married. Oh, yeah.
Blubber balled chimps turn me on.

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
How was the wedding, then?
You were there, dumbass!
I must've fell asleep on the part where the priest didn't know what he was saying. I woke up when you shagged her, though.
Yeah. I shouldn't have said yes though. I want to go to bars and take home women but I can't anymore.
Hi, Honey-ass. How's it going?
Fine.

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
Brian, I'm not sure about that friend in the bar.
What? Mick? Oh, he's just weird. He's got a memory problem. He still asks me how my mom's funeral was and she died ten years ago.
It's just.....what's he gonna do next? He might set fire to the house.
Yeah, I know. He did that when I was six. And again when I was thirteen. He got out of the Mental institution yesterday. He's so dumb that he'll ask me how the wedding was again tomorrow!
WHOA! Stop right there. The rest of the stroy starts again, a year later. Things are going down. And............Brian has a little gift.

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
What the fuck is that?!
Da-da.
"I tried jobs. The fast food buisness was....er......great!".
What can I get you, lady?
Er........I don't know.......?
There's a menu above my head- -a menu- - a menu-- just look at the fucking menu, bitch!
I'll have six chicken mcnuggets and fries please.

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
6 years later........................
Uncle Anus, I had a nightmare.
What's a nightmare?
What can I get you, sir. Be quick too cause I've left Mick to look after my kids and he's crazy!
I don't know what to have.
Can you read me a bedtime story, Uncle Mick?
I can't. I set fire to all your books.

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
What did you do to the kid's books, Mick?!
What did you do to the books? They're on fire!
After the fire is put out..................
You're a dumbass, Mick.
How was your wedding?

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
Who the hell are you and what're you doing in my house?!
I'm your long-lost brother. Where's Mick? I'm gonna kick his ass for setting fire to my house!
One big happy family.
Don't set fire to my house anymore!
Holy shit! Mick's dead!
(cough) Anus (cough) (gargle) How was your wedding? (aggghla)

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
Hi. I'm the real Brian. My name is Michael Rosebury and I star as Brian in the series. It's come to an end and will be back soon.
We wanna thank you for reading the comics or in our case, the series.
I hope you toon in on the next series of 'Brian'. What questions is there?
I like the fast food part where you swear! It cool!
"Mick's set fire to the bloody curtains!"

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
"Hello and welcome to the first episode of 'The craps'. The one on the left is Steven Crap and the one on the right is Gaylord Crap. Enjoy the show"
Are you ever gonna get a job? I mean, every day you just sit in the trash can feeling sorry for yourself.
I've been dumped again, Stevey. This one was beautiful.
Who is this so-called beautiful thing?
That mysterious squirrel that keeps mocking me.
You're a gaylord, you're a gaylord! HA HA!

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
My wife's written to me today, Gaylord.
Mine too. She's written 'when I get home I'll smash you're face in' on it and 'we're having a divorce'. Oh, that bitch!
Why aren't you putting the letter down, Steven?
There's a naked picture of my wife in it.
I know. Mine's got one too. I put mine down straight away because my wife's naked picture was a naked picture of the mailman.

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
This is gay. We've come abroad to Spain and there's only one bed!
You're just gonna have to sleep on the floor and I'll phone a waitress to come up and sleep with me.
click
Who turned out the lights? This is g- - (thud)
Steve? I've got a stiffy. Shit. Ste- - (thud)
The next day............
What happened last night?
I have a feeling that we got drunk and shagged. ERRR!! Yuk!!

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
Heroman, how do you feel about the spy that put pictures of your ass on live TV?
That ass is gonna get his dead body on live TV. 'Cause I've had it with that guy.
There must be a mistake, Mitchell. He's not alowd to say ass on tele. It's the six o' clock news.
Stop spreading rumours, Asshole!
You're not alowd to say (beep) on the air, Heroman.
Why can't I say (beep) beep that out again and I'll kick your (beep). That's it I'm gonna kill you. Your (beep) is gr(beep) what? I can't say grass on tele?!

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
Mcdonald's how can I help?
I want1'000'000 chicken Mcnuggets and 5'000'000 fries, please.
We haven't got enough food to serve you, sir.
Yes, you do. You're gonna make me some food.
Where the fuck did she go?

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
I'm a lesbian
I'm a lebian, too.
Let's shag on live TV.
Okay.
Oh, yeah.
(long organic groan)

 

by JonProctor
4-09-05
It was a lovely day and Anna was skipping happily when she saw a fat/strong clown.
Hey, mister. Why are you so big?
Because I eat logs of shit for breakfast.
Anna was amazed by the reply she got from the clown and wanted to ask another question.
Does it really work?
Hell, yeah!
The next morning in Anna's granny's house......
What do you want for breakfast sweety?
Logs of shit!

 

by JonProctor
4-09-05
Hey, Doofy, smell my finger.
(sniff) what's that?
That's the smell when you know you've become a man, Doofy.
Hey, Terry. Smell my finger.
Errrr! Yuk, what is that?!
My ASS!

 

by JonProctor
4-09-05
Oh, crap. My wife's coming home and I'm not fully prepared for what's gonna happen on the night!
I'll just use this hammer and nail to nail your ballsack to a black and decker and she'll understand that you can't do it.
It's not that, Gaylord! My thingy......it's....er......too.....sma- - nevermind. Just do the black and decker.
Okay, just wait there. I'm not good with a hammer and nail.
I'm holding still, do it!
Aw, shit. I've nailed it into my head!

 

by JonProctor
4-09-05
I don't know what to do whislt Gaylord's in hospital. hmmmmm.
I'm his doctor and he came out yesterday.He left this letter for you.
"Dear, Steve. I think your a skinny-ass tit so I went to spain and I'm getting along famously with a waitress called Bob. She's quite a handful. Your friend, Garry 'gaylord' Crap."
What's it say?
I don't wanna talk about it. He's having an affair with a guy called Bob which he thinks is a lady. He really is a gaylord.
Gaylord, gaylord! HA HA HA!

 

by JonProctor
4-09-05
Early in the morning at McDonald's........and Mick applied for a job......
How was you're wedding?
Mick, what the fuck did you do? I'm gonna get fired!
The Alldone household.........
Thanks, for getting me fired, Mick.
You're welcome. I forgot to ask you how your Mom's funeral was.
You're an ass. I'm gonna get my killer dog on you.
You're dog's dead. I ran him over with my Range Rover when I drove in.

 

by JonProctor
4-09-05
Well done, Captain Wrench, you have got a choice. Will you stay here with your family or go to Iraq and kick some ass for your country?
......
......
Well?
Aye, I'll go to iraq. But I want a free kibab.

 

by JonProctor
4-09-05
I'm from a planet called Earth.
Are you feeling all right sir?
I'm going to invade Mars and come back with atleast one alien.
Sir, you're starting to freak me out.
After a quick visit to space........
I was brought by your captain. I mst say......he's quite a dumbass. He thought I was an Alien.
I bet so.

 

by JonProctor
4-11-05
Why is there a triceratops with a cigarette in his mouth?
How the fuck should I know?
Because you are the gay triceratops. You have a cigarette and you're gonna explode!
Huh?
Go fuck yourself. I survived. Ho!

 

by JonProctor
4-11-05
Oh, shit! If this is about sneeking into the porno movie, I'm sorry!
No, I just want to try my new AK-74 gun out. Your the first victim
You can't kill me! I'm the director of the famous series of Brian. If you kill me...........aw.....just pull the fuckin' trigger.
Just hold still. I need to reload this sucker first. Damn, this is hard.
Crap!

 

by JonProctor
4-12-05
You better stop what you're doing, Mallamone Gomez. You caused me pain.
What pain is this?
You killed my dog, Bingo. Now I'm going to kill you.
But I didn't cause you pain, Castle. I mean, you are the punisher and why would I hurt you?
No. You hurt my dog, you pussy! My dog is now dead!
I still didn't cause you pain though. And you can't kill me because I even recorded what you said.

 

by JonProctor
4-18-05
Why the hell do I have to become a Doctor like you, Rex?
Because you smell like the inside of an ass!
I don't know which path to take. Shall I become a doctor or slag off and chase skirt?
You don't want to take the 'chase skirt' path. I took that on my choice and it got me nowhere. So I became a doctor in three days.
You're an ass. That's why you're such a shit doctor! Because you didn't go through medical school.
I only did it to make my mother proud of me for a change.

 

by JonProctor
4-18-05
This is the famous Haunted House where I killed Count Dracula by shoving a stake up his ass.
I can tell you're lying. You weren't alive in the 1800's and you're not supposed to shove the stake up his ass. You're supposed to shove it in his heart.
I know but what the fuck's the point? You might as well give him a girlfriend and make her dump him. That'll break his heart and kill him.
Do you want me to show you how to use a sharp object on Vampyres?
AHHHH! UGHH! What the fuck're you doing, Butchy boy?!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Showing you how to kill vampyres!

 

by JonProctor
4-18-05
Damn those Power Rangers! Always getting in my way!
Sir, shall I send down a specially made monster to rip them into tiny pieces?
Sure, what the hey. It'll get the toilet scrubbing off my back.
I'm on it, Mr Penisbeard.
Meanwhile, on earth............
What the hell was that?
I don't know but it's time to morph. Power up!!

 

by JonProctor
4-18-05
I wanna give you this gift, Billy. Happy Birthday.
Oh, yeah. Thanks.
Why the fuck did you get me flowers, you stupid piece of Irish trash?!!!
Well?
Thanks!

 

by JonProctor
4-19-05
Honey, what's wrong with your ass-fried ham?
Dave, don't call me honey. I'm not your girlfriend yet.
Well, that doesn't change a thing. I love you, baby. You are my soul mate.
I'll see you tommorow. Come to my house.
Oh, I can't wait to see her tits!

 

by JonProctor
4-19-05
Well, we're here. What shall we do.
The freaky thing!
Oh, Dave! I never knew you were so good at sex. Lick ho!
Jesus Christ! My dick's caught in between your tits!
Thanks for your compay, Dave.
I enjoyed that. The only thing that let it down was the fact that my Dick is now stuck in your tits. It ripped off my crotch and it remains in your fuckin' tits!

 

by JonProctor
4-19-05
Good Evening and welcome to Channel 3 news. We have updates on the fuckball league.
Who the (beep) is messing with the typer?! You know what he's like. He reads whatever's on it!
Ho, ho, ho! I'm father (beep) christmas. I smell like my dog's ass!
Other news was informed that an old man called Dicksmoke McCarthy was brutally shagged in an alley not far from here.
My ass is a gift from god. I use it on the crapper and during sex with J- J- Jolsen? Anyway, my dick makes me famous by Kathy sukcing it right now.
(gargle) (choke) (slurp) MMMMM. Tasty. Knock the camera's off. I'll be here all day!

 

by JonProctor
4-19-05
ROUND ONE.......FIGHT!!!
Your ass is grass!
No it isn't.......it's skin.
Ya!
Shit!
1.....2.....3.....4.....5.....6.....7.....8.....9.....10!!! The winner and the NEW champion.......Dixie Normous!!!!!!
I am the new champion. His ass was easy to beat!
Fuck. You knocked my front teeth out!

 

by JonProctor
4-19-05
What can I get you, Anus-pitch?
Do you know the 6 chicken nugget meal? I only want four.
Okay, 6 chicken nuggets is ordered. Anything else?
Don't play asswiggle with me. Throw two chicken nuggets away and give me the remaining four.
I don't understand..... I--
Shove two of them up your ass and give me four chicken nuggets.

 

by JonProctor
4-20-05
Now, Billy, I will be able to solve your problem. If my calculations are correct, you'll turn into a power ranger any second.
Uncle Smellyass, I don't want to be a power ra--
So, is it good?
It's alright. But, I didn't want to be the blue ranger!

 

by JonProctor
4-20-05
......and my brother, Butch, told the man at the til to shove two chicken nuggets up his ass!
Dude, I heard the same thing on this porno chatroom on my computer. I heard that Butch shoved the nuggets up the man's ass for him.
.......yeah, I'd be shitting myself too, if a big guy came up to me with a knife........
Wow, this superhero looks like you, Jimmy!
Don't say my true identity out loud, Butch!
SORRY, JIMMY KINGSMILL!!!!!!!

 

by JonProctor
4-20-05
My teacher has an ass the size of the eiffel tower, my pricipal is having an affair with the lunchlady, my brother is going out with Ms. Jenkins and Timmy Turner is having it with a matress out back.
Whoooo! You rock, Phil!
My dad gets it on with the milkman, my mom gets it on with the neighbour, my sister gets it on with the dog and I get it on with Catherine Brooks............ALL DAY!!
Whoooo! Show 'em, Phil!
What a long reading.............
That'll fit nicely into the school play, Phillip.

 

by JonProctor
4-20-05
Redface, your face is even redder!
I know. I had surgery on it after you stabbed me to death.
I'm gonna do it again, Redface.
You can't do 'it' to me. I'm not gay. I have a wife and three kids........--
You're an ass!!!
SHIT!!!

Showing page 2.

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