All comics by Misfit

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by Misfit
10-23-03
Nash Jail, October 23
Hi y'all! Ahm here for the Mahk Peterson birthday party!
Sorry, bud, the party's been cancelled.
Aw heck. Do Ah still get paid? This costume cost me a purty penny!
If you're trying to collect from Peterson, you'd better get in line behind his lawyers, step-daughter and the State!
Meanwhile, in Mike's cell in isolation...
Go get 'em, General Lee! Like the South, I'm gonna rise again!

 

by Misfit
10-24-03
At the Stanislaus County Jail...
I've got a delivery for a "Scott Peterson." It's a big cake for his birthday or something.
Ok, you'll have to slide it through the metal detector, over on that conveyor.
DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING
Stop right there! What's in that cake! Don't tell me you hid any weapons or a file in there!
No! I swear! There's nuthin' metal in there at all! Look for yourself, but please don't ruin it!
Out pops....
AAARRRGGGGHH!!!
Hey, she ain't that bad...a little skinny, maybe. Her braces musta set off the detector! I think Scotty will like ya fine, there, hunny!

 

by Misfit
10-24-03
And Now...the Puppet Show!
Hi! I'm Pete and I'm going fishing for sturgeon! See my cool new boat! It's a surprise! Don't tell anyone!
Hmm. This story sounds kinda familiar...
Buwahahaha Hahaha ho ho ho hee hee Ha Buwahahah muahahah (snort) gufaw hoo hooo!
Whoops! My wife fell out of the boat! Good thing I brought my trusty concrete anchors I just made! She'll never come up, now!
I don't know why you guys are laughing so hard. This puppet show is NOT funny.
Hey dude! If you thought that puppet show was great, wait until you get to the spanking machine! Heh heh!
I can't wait.

 

by Misfit
10-25-03
I can't believe we have to spend Halloween in this house! I hope none of those little neighborhood brats comes trick or treating here, Pa!
Later that night....
What was that noise? Pa! Wake up! Someone's in the house!
Not again! Go back to sleep. It's just your imagination! You'll have me shooting another neighbor's dog again!
ARRRR!! PA! Wake up! Get the gun! This house is haunted!
Your guns are no good here.

 

by Misfit
10-25-03
Halloween at Covena Part II
Trick or Treat!
What? Oh, ok...here you go. Nice costume...reminds me of myself as a younin'!
Hey, what did that wacko lady give YOU? I got a "FREE SCOTT" button, whatever the heck that is!
Yuck! I got some purple cookies that smell like gym socks!
Pa Peterson's warning...
Next brat that rings our doorbell is going to get arrested for trespassing! I have a very good lawyer, you know!

 

by Misfit
10-29-03
In Stanislaus County Supreme Court
Mr. Geragos, you object to a gallery? I thought I agreed to keep cameras from this court room, but now you want me to ban spectators as well?
No, your honor, just the spectators who refuse to give my client the presumption of innocence and who are polluting the potential jury pool. His fair trial relies upon it!
I'm sorry, Mr. Geragos, I have a first amendment issue that is more important than your client's presumed reputation. This other matter, of banning Mrs. Allred, cousel for a subpoened witness?
Yes, your honor, if you won't prohibit the gallery with a lynch mob mentality, at least prohibit Mrs. Allred from the court room so she will not plant ideas to thwart my defense to her evil client!
During lunch break in the hallway....
Hi Mark! I admire your valiant efforts to get me removed from the trial. I have to admit, I find it rather flattering that you obsess about me so!
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. I'll get back at you if it's the last thing I do!

 

by Misfit
10-30-03
Ok, Peterson, it's time to get out of the shower. You've been in there an hour and you're flooding the floor!
Give me land lots of land with the starry skies above...don't fence me in...!
Ok, we're going to turn off the main water supply, now.
I'm gonna wash that guilt right outa my hair...I'm gonna wash that guilt right outa my hair...
NO! NO! I don't wanna go back! Don't make me eat that green soup! Please! Not the green soup! Hey! You forgot my rubber ducky!

 

by Misfit
10-30-03
So, Ms. Fisher...or is it Mrs. Fisher...or is it Dr. Fisher? Whatever. Is it normal FBI policy to use computer programs that have been written by terminated employees?
I don't know his separation status, but last time I checked, he was in law school and working part time at Baskin Robbins.
So, do you expect us to accept the data derived from the ice cream man?
We can be assured of getting the scoop!
Oh swell. Another comedian. Do you get your material from Ms. Allred?

 

by Misfit
10-30-03
At the CNN Studios of Larry King Live
Zzzzzzzzzz
Wake up, Mr. King. I have to serve you with papers. You're being sued by Gloria Allred!
What? She is suing me? What for?
It says here "for defamation of character and for being a misogynist jerk!"
Pixie! Since you're such a renowned defense attorney, will you represent me in this frivolous litigation slapped on me by that vicious woman? If this were legitimate, I'd have been sued several times!
You know I never represent anyone really guilty, Larry. I thought you knew that.

 

by Misfit
10-31-03
Cross-examination of Amy Rocha continues...
So, isn't it true, Amy, that your sister Laci was a triathelete and competed in annual events?
No. She was active, she walked, she practiced yoga for circulation and flexibility, but she wasn't an athlete.
Ok, then, isn't it true that she had a black belt in Tai Chi, ran marathons, was a champion racquetball player and bench pressed 240 pounds?
No. She was active, did some low impact aerobics, and towards the end of her pregnancy, stayed off her feet when they were swollen.
Well, did she ever walk to the TV to change the channel? Yes? Ah HA!
What an idiot.

 

by Misfit
11-05-03
I am bored out of my mind! What can I make with this pile of scrap from the discovery? Let me get my toothpaste!
Yeah, this will get the media going! Along with the pictures of Laci I hung up, this should get the bible thumpers support!
Ahhh! My masterpiece. A tribute to my virility. Eat your heart out, Amber!

 

by Misfit
11-26-03
Mark, you promised me if I didn't whine about you never visiting my baby, you'd let us meet Michael Jackson!
And you will, Jackie, I promise. Just give us a little time to make the necessary...uh...preparations.
Pa! Get the grandkids together! No, not the baby, the older ones. I'm not taking the baby!
Let's go to Neverland, kids!
Should I bring my surfboard?

 

by Misfit
1-09-04
December 12, 2003
Dude! Did you finish that survey yet? It's due Monday, ya know!
Are you kidding? I'm not wasting my cell phone minutes on that! I just made up the results. He won't know the difference.
January 8, 2004
Uh oh...our surveys were used in a real trial...holy #(I$@@&!
"A substantial difference between LA and Stanislaus County, right?"
January 9, 2004
Did you see we got served a "Notice to Appear" in front of the Stanislaus County DA?
Awww jeese, we are so toast. My mother is gonna kill me.

 

by Misfit
1-10-04
Ted Rowlands reporting from various venues:
I'm standing in front of the San Francisco courthouse, one of several locations that are potential venues for the Peterson murder trial, although its view of the Bay may be a distraction.
I'm in Oakland in Alameda County, the preferred site of the Defense after L.A., L.A., and L.A.....what was that? I think someone's shooting at us! Jeeze guys, get me outa here!
It may be that the only venue where citizens have not formed an opinion on the Peterson case is here on the moon....hey, could someone grab my pencil?

 

by Misfit
1-22-04
Hey Peterson! Heard your girlfriend is pregnant! Congratulations, Dude!
No she's not. That's just tabloid gossip, not gonna happen.
Oh yea? Sez here she's havin a boy, and the daddy is a back cracker! Bet she gives him good massages, eh bud?
That's just more b.s. from the cops and D.A. hoping to make me mad, but it's not gonna work.
Amber and David sittin' in a tree...K-I-S-S-I-N-G...first comes love...then comes marriage...then comes baby in the baby carriage!
Shut up. SHUT UP. SHUT UP! SHE'S WAITING FOR ME!!! Just wait til I get outa here, I'M GONNA KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS!!

 

by Misfit
1-22-04
Stick 'em up. My wife needs a lung transplant and you look like a good specimen!
Jeesh don't shoot, Pop!
Stick 'em up. My wife needss a heart transplant. Come quietly and nobody gets hurt!
Well, I'm off to see the Wizard, and you're welcome to join me to find a heart, but I get first dibs, bud!
Stick 'em up! My wife needs a brain transplant and you ain't usin' yours!
Lee, Lee, calm down! San Mateo is a good venue! Trust me, everything's gonna be ok...now put down that gun, PLEASE!!

 

by Misfit
5-17-04
Dr. Cyril Wecht
The disarticulation was facilitated by a promulgation of concretization, with speculation that the decomposition and mineralization would render the remains unidentifiable. (Go Steelers!)
My conjugation and hypothesization precluded my investigation and remuneration, therefore I offer no retraction to my previous allegations! Show me the money!
Dr. Henry Lee
I cannot rue out stragruation and wif no brud. No brud? I spend seven days week forty hour day investigrate brud. Where crime scene?
Rots of hair transfer mean nutting. Sumting wong with painting on Arbany bub. Ketchup or brud in van? I am arso ketchup expert! Cops in Corryforna overrook rots of crues. I cannot rue out baby born.
JoEllan Dimitrius
Scott Peterson? Well, you have to admit he is looking pretty bad. With all this publicity, they'll have a tough time finding an impartial jury. I think they need me! Like my outfit, Mark?
WE have lots of surprises for you. WE will be waiting for trial to expose them! Hey, who said I'm overexposed? Whadday mean I'm fat?! Shaadup! You think Junkyard's mean? Just try tangling with me pal!

 

by Misfit
7-02-04
Early afternoon at the Pesticide Convention...
Hi, I'm Sister Shawn, and you must be Holy Scott Peterson! I'd recognize you anywhere with that halo! I've head a lot about you, Scott, it's an honor to meet such a perfect son!
Sister Shawn, the pleasure is all mine. May I tell you how lovely you look? You are an amazing woman, yourself. Will you join me later for dinner?
Later that day at dinner...
Hey, Peterson, you're looking fine tonight in your jammers. What's on the menu, hot stuff? Is that your cell phone in there or are you just glad to see me?
Is that a diamond engagement ring I see? What's it worth? Do you fool around? How do you like your scampi? Sizzling hot, or sauteed to a succulent tenderness?
In the hallway of the hotel...
Oink Oink Oink, baby, I love it when you bring me the bone.
mmmfff mmmf mmmfff

 

by Misfit
7-07-04
The Court: Have you marked those exhibits, counsellors?
Yes, your honor, the People submit photographs of forensic testing vials used in identification of the victims.
Wait! Wait! The Defense submits YY and ZZ! Photos of a plastic bag!
The Court: Do you have anything else, Mr. Distaso?
Yes, your honor. The People submit photographs of a woman of similar size and weight of the victim posing in the bottom of the boat and the toolbox.
Objection! Objection! Irrelevant! Incriminating! Inculpatory! I'll see your exhibit and raise you a Berkeley Marina Pamphlet!
The Team meeting after court...
So, Pat, how'd we do today? That printout from the East Bay Internet Park and Recreation site really knocked 'em dead, don't you think?
You betcha, Mark! And that picture of your kids hidin' in the punkin patch left the jury with a great visual fer the long weekend!

 

by Misfit
7-12-04
Seek first the Kingdom...
Father, I've changed my mind about joining the priesthood. I just don't think it's my calling. I know my mother had her heart set on it, but that...er...uh... celibacy thing is not gonna work for me.
I understand son. You must seek God's path for you. I hope this doesn't mean your parents are going to curtail their generous offerings? Remind your dear mother about Bingo this Friday!
When that doesn't pan out, seek the path of righteousness...
Oh, holy Maharishi, I seek your spiritual guidance. With this wicked Scorpio disposition, materialistic Taurus moon, my Virgo vanity, and that Pluto about to park in my Fourth House I need some help!
Only karma can transcend your astrological destiny, my son. You must forsake all flesh, all material pleasure and commit to humanitarian service. Otherwise, you are doomed.
When that fails, seek the path of least resistance...
You mean I can lie, cheat, steal, murder, eat, drink and be merry and you'll give me my own territory, an expense account, a new truck and all the babes I can carry? What's the catch?
Ha! No catch! You'll spend eternity in a tropical paradise! And your mom and dad will be there, along with many interesting folks! You're the kind of special guy we are always looking for!

 

by Misfit
7-28-04
Hey Mark, Congratulations! I hear you're going to med school. We're gonna miss you! Camel Menthol, right? Hey, are you gonna quit smoking now that your're gonna be a doctor?
I don't know, man, med school's gonna be stressful. I probably won't quit until after. Meanwhile, mums the word to the ol' lady!
Sorry I missed your graduation, Mark. With the new baby and all, we couldn't get away. How'd it go?
Well, you know I was Valedictorian of the Behavioral Science department, so I had to make a speech. I have to say, it was moving. They gave me a standing ovation. I was quite touched.
So, tell me again where you were this morning, Mr. Hacking?
I woke up dawn, said my prayers, couldn't decide whether to deliver meals on wheels or rescue a cat from a tree, so I pondered a little, ran 12 miles, took a shower and ate a coupla hot dogs.

 

by Misfit
9-10-04
Hi Jessica! I heard you are an amazing babysitter! What are you doing, homework? Can I get you something to drink? You can call me H.B. It's short for Hunny Bear!
Uhhh...I was just checking my e-mail. Thanks, I'll take a lemonade!
Hey, Jessica! Since you've punched out, heh heh, can I take you out for a little drive? The bay is beautiful this time of night, you know!
Nnno thanks, Scott. I mean Hunny Bear. I think that lemonade made me a little woozy. My fiance is picking me up any minute now. You know, come to think of it, you look kind familiar...
Hey, what happened to my ride?
Oh, I sent him home, Jessica! I think you are the cutest thing! You are perfect for my baby! Isn't he a charmer? He belongs to the country club, you know, and he is getting a new boat, too!

 

by Misfit
9-13-04
Look at all those piles of of Quikrete powder in this warehouse. I know Peterson made more than one anchor and I'm going to prove it if it's the last thing I do! Hmmm. I have an idea!
Brocchini strategically places piles of concrete dust in the Peterson home, truck bed, driveway, barbeque, swimming pool and under the bed and zooms away.
Nya Nya Nya, I'll get you horney b@stard!
In The San Mateo County Court Room
Isn't it IN FACT true that this pile of concrete matches the same concrete found in Brocchini's pants pocket on December 27, 2002?

 

by Misfit
5-21-05
The Engagement
Jennifer, would ya do me the honor of bein' mah brahd?
Oh, Johnny. Look at the sahz a that rock! Ah cain't thenk of anythen' betta than hangin' up mah runnin' shoes nexta yours!
Now, Jennifer. Did you remember to invite your third cousin's second husband? You know he's got a very successful white lightenin' bidness. He'll probably buy you that Waterford punch bowl!
Yes, Momma. Ah remembered. Heck, Ah invahted ever sangle one on that geneology chart you gave me!
The Weddin'
We are gathered here together...er...By golly, where's the bride?
Don't worry about it. The Groom's here! Let's get on with the show! We have 2,000 petit fours meltin' over here!

 

by Misfit
5-21-05
At A Rest Stop In Austin, Texas
Hey, Darlin', what brings you to Aws-Tun?
Uh...err...Ahm just passin' through on my way to a weddin' in...err..Albuquerque, that's it!
Stopping for a quick one
Hey! I'm Bernie Grimm. Don't you recognize me? Can I buy you a drink? My jokes are a lot funnier after a couple of cold ones!
No, Sorry, Ah didn't recognahz you, but Ah think I stole a pair of boxers just like those from Nieman Markups a few years ago!
In New Mexico
Dang, Ah wish Ah'd brought my little black book. Ah could sure use his lovin' raht about now! Holy Ship, look at the sahz a that bug!

 

by Misfit
5-21-05
Stopping by the Mall in Albuquerque
Can I help you find something?
Yes, you kin helf me fahnd the dressin' room. The airlahn lost mah luggage and Ah haven't a thang to wear!
Fifteen minutes later...
Hey, are you doing ok in there, hun? If you need a different size, just give me a holler. My name is Kelly, ok?
So let me get this straight. A woman with crooked hair and grubby clothes came in and took 6 outfits into the dressing room and then just disappeared?
That's right, officer. All that I found in the dressing room was a clump of brown hair, looked freshly cut, but, honestly, it smelled like a dirty dawg!

 

by Misfit
5-21-05
The Home Colony is Alerted To Jennifer's Plight
Urgent message decoded from Earth. Our pod has a crisis and needs rescuing. Destination, New Mexico.
Let's hope we don't have the same problem that our previous mission had in Roswell.
Estimated Time of Arrival, oh-eight hundred hours Mountain Time.
Does that take into account the daylight saving time? You know how that confuses me.
There's the landing pad. I hope they see my signal. Hurry up, Mother ship! I'm running out of granola bars!

 

by Misfit
5-25-05
The Groom seeks counsel
Pastor Smahley, you taught me that forgivness is divahn, and I wanna do the raht thing bah Jennifer.
Yes, son, we should all forgive her and take her back like the lost lamb. My sermon on Sunday addresses that very issue.
Sunday's Sermon
And we must first seek to be pure! Like the blackest sheep that has strayed from the fold, we will be purified! See my web site for more!
Amen, brother!
Pastor, Ah do believe this was a sahn from God to keep me from bein' unequally yoked.
Hallelujia, son! Just don't forget to change your locks!

 

by Misfit
6-23-05
At the Travel Agent...
Good afternoon, Mr. Geragos. Nice to see you. What can I do for you?
Hi Tammy! I'd like to book a flight to Aruba. How fast can you get me there? My crack defense team and I need three seats. I have some frequent flier miles I can use from Scott Peterson. Is that OK?
Back at the offices of Geragos & Geragos
Did you pack the snorkel? "Dutch Law for Dummies," and my summer suits? Extra sunglasses? Did you get that Nextel updated for the cell phone?
Got it, boss! Where's McAllister? I heard you were bringing him along!
Captain Kirk, there you are! I see you are ready for Arubian Court!
What I have to put up with to earn that dang retainer!

 

by Misfit
6-23-05
Geragos visits Van Der Sloot
Don't worry, Urine! I'll have you out of here today! I found the real killers and am going to announce that to the press and exonerate you! We both know you are factually innocent!
Vat vas dat part about my college savinks?
In the Hall of Justice...
Your Honor, you must release my client at once! He's genetically incapable of the charge! I met his mother and I can tell you her bank account...er...her sincerity convinced me!
Ve don't need your Hollyvood law here in Aruba. Ve haf our own vayz. Van Der Sloot vill remain in custody!
Meanwhile, back at the Aruban Airport...
Whadday mean I can't visit my newly adopted son, Joren? I feel like I'm in Nazi Germany!
Sorry, Ma'am. May I accompany you to the casino instead? We love American tourists!

 

by Misfit
6-25-05
Looking for the Real Killers...
Have you heard of any cults on the island? Any dead animals lying around? Anyone with "666" tattoos or pentagrams? Goat heads? Stuff like that?
No, dude. Aruba is cool. I've been here ever since I went AWOL from the Gulf War. The dope here is primo, that's all I know!
Upon further investigation...
There has to be a cult around here somewhere! You must know of some church or secret group that practices bizarre rituals, brainwashing, kidnapping, extortion, and bloody sacrifices! Any voodoo?
I can only think of one church like that around here run by some celebrity ex-patriot. I'll take you there!
I knew it! Eureka! Tom Cruise! Can you help me find a cult? By the way, did you know you resemble a former client of mine?
Welcome to the Aruba Chapter of the Church of Scientology, Mark!

 

by Misfit
9-09-05
FOX NEWS EXCLUSIVE!
This is Whoraldo Rivera reporting from the disasterous deluge in New Orleans. Under this pile of rubble I found Miss Evie, an 81-year old woman stranded by the storm!
Where's my plasma TV? Where's my $2000 debit card? Who the helf are you, sonny?
Miss Evie! Let me help you to this chopper! Have you ever ridden in a helicopter before? Aren't you happy to see me?
I ain't rid in no whirly bird, sonny. But I did ride that Streetcar named "Desire" ya know. Ahhh. The good old days, when men got a hair cut and only women wore earrings!
Hey, where did she go? Wait! We didn't get the shot? Where did Miss Ellie go? Dang! My big rescue episode! CUT! CUT!
I'll take a ride to Superdome, if you have room. I heard they have some fat pickins' there.

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