All comics by TheGovernor

Profile

 

by TheGovernor
1-16-03
Hello, Im Judi Dench, this is an appeal on behalf of Dictators everywhere for you to please give £2 a month or whatever you can spare, the last 20 years have not been good for dictatorships
With the current popularity of Democracy, Facist Regimes are in a decline and really need your help, just £2 a month will allow dictators such as saddam maintain a power base
£5 a month can help military junta's take over power of small developing South American or African States. Please do what you can to help the plight of dictators everywhere. Thank you

 

by TheGovernor
1-16-03
Hello Im Judi Dench, and Im here to ask you for £2 pound a month or whatever you can spare to help celebrity kiddie fiddlers get off scot free
Just £2 a month will allow celebrities like Mathew Kelly to hire ace legal representation and publicity to quash the allegations so that his reputation is not ruined
£5 a month will allow celebrities to buy fake credit cards and not have to use their own whilst perusing peodofile images on the internet. Please help them. Thank you

 

by TheGovernor
1-16-03
!!!!Nail in Head !!!Nail in Head !!! Nail in Head !!!Nail in Head
wha.. whats happening?
!!!!Nail in Head !!!Nail in Head !!!Nail in Head !!!Nail in Head
h-hh-hhelp me!
Ahh, still got it

 

by TheGovernor
1-17-03
£1,000 question: When a man loves a woman he: [A: Marries her] [B: Buys her Roses] [C: Nails the Fucking Bitch] [D: Can't Keep his mind on nothing else]
You still have 50-50 and phone a friend
I'll go fifty fifty
£1,000 question: When a man loves a woman he: [A: ] [B: ] [C: Nails the Fucking Bitch] [D: Can't Keep his mind on nothing else]
I think I'll phone a friend
Hello fuck this is Who wants to be a millionaire We have your friend Asian Girl on and she's stuck on £1000 and needs your help to get up to £2000 Im putting her on now...

 

by TheGovernor
1-17-03
Press Conference
We have to invade Iraq. His presence as a dictator is a threat to freedom of people and democracy across the world
But Mr President what about Pakistan? an ally but also an unstable nuclear power with a dictator governing that could plunge the region into nuclear war?
*Shhhh* Shut up
Or what about the appalling human rights record and treatment of women from our other ally Saudi Arabia?
*shut up!!!*

 

by TheGovernor
1-21-03
Quack!

 

by TheGovernor
1-27-03
My anus is bleeding
Ive rounded up the usual suspects, can you see the perp in the lineup?
Wehn a man loevs a woman...
Rarr!

 

by TheGovernor
1-27-03
Ext. Coruscant Spaceport
Qui Gon, Ive been wondering, what are Midichlorians?
Why they are tiny lifeforms that work in harmony with you and allow you to use the force, and you Anakin have quite a few of them
Well Master Kenobi said I needed some of his "special" Jedi Midichlorians pumped inside of me to help bring balance to the force, but I think there is a problem
What's the matter Anni?
My anus is bleeding
Obi-Wan!!!!

 

by TheGovernor
1-31-03

 

by TheGovernor
1-31-03
You realise dont you Steven that you hit rock bottom with that last strip?
Yeah, but I needed a strip to maintain my average of 20 strips a month, incidently this is number 20 for January
So thats it for this month then. What about the joke in this one? How are you going to end it then?
Erm well I hadnt actually thought of that. What about.....
*Sigh*
Boobies!!!

 

by TheGovernor
2-03-03
Peaceful day in the field
Whats that noise in the distance?
**RING**
hmm
**RING**
Erm,, Hello
Neo, the Mootrix has you!

 

by TheGovernor
2-06-03
Stripcreator is a premium web service. You can add this package to your subscription for just $10 per month
Stripcreator is a premium web service. You can add this package to your subscription for just $10 per month
5 Minute Freeview

 

by TheGovernor
2-06-03
Hey Jesus, how've ya been?
Well actually since the second coming and the pooling of religions into one belief in 2017 Im no longer known as Jesus, My name now is "Zeeboo the Preceder"
Hi, wern't you Kaddar's blue character?
I was, until Disney bought up the rights to all Kaddars drawings to make an animated cartoon show, and then sued stripcreator for using them.
Wow, its Dil, I havent seen you since you appeared in the funniest strip ever in 2009
I was outlawed by the UN due to the number people rushed to hospital with ruptured spleens after reading it. Who'd have thought a joke about gravitons could be so amusing?

 

by TheGovernor
2-10-03
Bud!
Weis!
Er!

 

by TheGovernor
2-10-03
Later at the ranch....
Generating gravitons!!!
ha ha ha ha what the fuck are you on about
Schhhtop!! This Strip isn't ready yet, you haven't even got the background right, what about the pregnant pause?...
...When the Dutch brew the Grolsch they take their time.

 

by TheGovernor
2-11-03
Hey Carl, Ling was on the phone, wants to know if we want to meet her at the usual place, she's bringing her friend Stella
Art House? thats the usual meeting place, but arent you meeting up with your old army friends Nick and Ken?
Yeah but I'll just say Hi Nick, Ken Sir, and make my way over, after droping off Stans Medication
Hey Bud, Why Sir?
Ken outranked me, here can you hold Stans pills while I get my coat
Of Coorse, and I think we should drop in on our friend Miller. Time he got out and about aswell.

 

by TheGovernor
2-15-03
Cat versus the Birdcage as resolved by the Art of War
Calculate a plan with the five woking fundamenatals of strategy: The Tao, Nature, Situation, Leadership, Art.
If a fortified area is attacked, One's strength is compromised.
Once a challenge is executed, if triumph is prolonged, the strategy becomes dull and the vigor dampened.
Attacking a Fortified Area is an Art of last resort.
You win this round bird

 

by TheGovernor
2-17-03
INT. Jedi Council, Coruscant
Master Yoda, Ive come to ask the Council's Permission to train the boy Anakin. He is the chosen one
Train the Boy you may Qui Gon, but only if you first build us A SHRUBBERY!!!!
Ni
Ni
Ni
Nu

 

by TheGovernor
2-18-03
One day in the Cave
Thank you for freeing me, I am a Genie and for releasing me I will grant you anything your heart desires
Erm ok, lets see
Anything at all, you name it, World Peace, Become King of the Universe, Gorgeous women worshiping you, fame, fortune, glory, anything and it shall be so.
Alright then,, I Wish.....
Weirdo
What can I say? I like this jacket alot.

 

by TheGovernor
2-19-03
God Damn piece of crap, stupid bloody PC, windows fucking crashing again right in the middle of my report, I'll kill you, you worthless pile of shit, Wait here.
*sigh*
I wish I was an iMac

 

by TheGovernor
2-19-03
Hi welcome to Death Co. Do you have an appointment?
Actually, no, but I really want to die today if its at all possible to squeeze me in.
It is our busy season you know post-valentines day and all but I'll see what we can do, have a seat, and I'll go check.
thanks
later
Good news, we can kill you at 3.15 if you want to pop back later on.
Great I'll come back then

 

by TheGovernor
2-19-03
3.13pm
Ahh, our 3.15, glad you could make it back, not had any second thoughts, or a sudden urge to live then?
No I'd still like to die today please
Alright then, I just need a few details before you go in, How are you going to pay? We now take Visa, Mastercard, unfortunately we cannot take cheques for business reasons
I'll pay by cash, Do I get a choice of how I go?
Well we do offer a wide selection of packages to meet every budget and preference
Great, is there a catalogue I can look at?

 

by TheGovernor
2-19-03
Well we offer many different packages, Theres our economy range for around £40 plus VAT, however your next of kin can claim the VAT back afterwards.
What sort of options are in the economy range?
Well the most popular is the stabbing in the back with a blunt instrument, followed by a beating in the head with a hammer to ensure satisfaction
Sounds a bit gruesome, you got anything less bloody?
Well there is a sadistic option, we strap you to a chair and force you to watch episodes of Mad about You until you keel over, but personally I would advise against it
Oooh, Nasty.

 

by TheGovernor
2-19-03
Well we can place you in a sealed room and inject you with Ebola then burn your remains once the virus has done its work, plus your relatives get a video of your last moments for free
Naa, not really the way I fancy going,,
Well there is a sudden death range for £60, here we sneak up on you when you are not looking and chop your head off its quite popular with the squeemish.
No I would prefer to know death was imminent
Well how about the 'Cut brake cables on a cliff top at 60 mph' the weathers excellent at this time of year for that one
Nah, unfortunately Ive promised my brother the car

 

by TheGovernor
2-19-03
What about assasination, it costs a bit more than the regular service but the clients seem to like it.
Whats involved with that one?
Well we set you up in an election campaign, then once you are elected and giving you inaugral speech a hitman takes you out mafia style, it can actually be quite fun
Sounds cool, but I would prefer to die today, and it seems as if that would take some time to set up
Yeah it can take up to a year to do that one right, its a shame you are not older, we have a special on for our 'OAP Nookie Death' in which we induce a heart attack using a bit of rumpy pumpy
Damn that one sounded perfect

 

by TheGovernor
2-19-03
Well if its a sexual death there's always the infectious fatal disease from a hooker scenario
interesting, but I'll pass
What about the seductive robbery? Here we have a beautiful woman seduce you, lead you to a hotel room, tie you to a bed then slit your throat and make off with your wallet
Seems a bit unfulfilling really, Im not sure if I want to die with a hard-on, somehow I dont think its how I want to meet my maker
We could throw in a castration for free...
err... No.

 

by TheGovernor
2-19-03
We do offer a 'Bored to Death' range, you can have a free trial, just have a look in that door over there
ok
Are you my 3.30?
ooh, sorry its the second door on the right
ahh I see.

 

by TheGovernor
2-19-03
Hello and today we will be watching every Oscar ceremony since 1980 in full including the dance numbers and the technical award acceptances...
That one is a tad bit too nasty, we do have a toned down bordom room its the next door along
Welcome to a History of the Dewey Decimal System. Melville Louis Kossuth Dewey was born on December 10, 1851. He invented the Dewey Decimal Classification system when he was 21 whilst working as...

 

by TheGovernor
2-19-03
So, is boredom the way you want to go?
Actially I'd prefer something a little more livelier
What about electrocution? Its reasonably priced, and we offer everything from sticking your finger in a plug socket to the classic toaster in the bathtub.
Na, dont really want to mess up my hair
Well that probably puts falling from a plane without a parachute out of the question then
Yeah, 'fraid so. although I do like the idea of plummeting to my doom, what else do you offer in that range?

 

by TheGovernor
2-19-03
Plumetting to your doom, I like your style, very lemming. Have you thought about an aeroplane disaster? It's expensive but a spectacular way to go...
Hmm
..Also if you have some friends we can offer a group rate
Perhaps..
Here have a look at some of the other options in our catalogue whilst I go and see if the plane crash can be arranged
Ok, thanks.

 

by TheGovernor
2-20-03
Hello Suzi, We at the Make a Wish foundation heard that you didnt have long to live and are here to offer you one wish to make your life a little better, what would you like?
Ok, I wish I wasn't dieing
Touché

 

by TheGovernor
2-20-03
Okay, we've established that you cant wish to live, it doesnt work that way, is there anything else you really want, a trip to Disneyworld perhaps?
Right then I wish Bill Gates would be taken up the ass by an elephant
Consider it done, Glad we could help
Cool
Later
When I agreed to do charity work to help Microsoft's image this wasnt exactly what I had in mind

 

by TheGovernor
2-20-03
Hey, I hear your charity can get Bill Gates to take anal from animals
Yup, is that what you wish little Timmy?
Actually I wish that he would sing the theme tune to Cheers whilst being shagged by an elephant
Okay.
Here we go again
"Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got....Taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot...

 

by TheGovernor
2-20-03
Hello, Kate, now before you ask, we can no longer get Mr Gates to be shagged by Elephants, the animal rights people have objections to it
Aww, Well ok, I wish that he gets shagged up the ass by Police Acadamy star Steve Guttenburg whilst they duet the Grease hit 'You're the one that I want'
And So.
Come on Bill, its a little dieing girls last wish, and Mr Guttenburg doesnt seem to have any problem with it, in fact he was rather keen
*Sigh*
You're the one that I want, you are the one I want..
Oo Oo Oooo Honey!

 

by TheGovernor
2-22-03
Germany, 1919
Guden Tag Mein Name is Adolf Hitler and I vant to join your party, I have many right wing xenophobic ideas!
Well I'll have to ask ze other members of ze national socialist german workers party, two seconds
Some guy called Adolf wants to join our party
That mustache looks Gay, , Nein!
BANNED!

 

by TheGovernor
2-22-03
St. Peters on Holiday, Im holding the fort, so what makes you think you are worthy to get into Heaven then?
Well Ive tried to live a good life, be kind to people, and I did a lot of charity work, I used to give blankets to the poor that sort of thing
Says here in your record that when you were nine you poured salt onto a slug.....BANNED!
But....
BANNED! Get the fuck out of here before I call security
But...

 

by TheGovernor
2-22-03
It was 1997, I was a host on The Microsoft Network
[Steven] Has Entered #internetcafe, [Steven]: Hi all geezer: Hi m8 mike: Hello Hanson_Fan has entered #internetcafe
"Time to gavel up." [Steven] has left #internetcafe........ @[Steven] has entered #internetcafe
@[Steven] has kicked Hanson_Fan reason "Hanson suck"

 

by TheGovernor
2-24-03
Yes, and you are?
My names Paul Johnson, Ive just died, can I come into heaven please
Lets see, Johnson,, Johnson, P, from Newcastle, England?
Yeah thats right
Hmm says here you blasphemed my name after hitting your thumb with a hammer. BANNED.

 

by TheGovernor
2-24-03
Yes?
Hi Im Father Herbert McDoogle
Father McDoogle? When you were younger you threw up on Mrs Robinsons prize Tulips and denied it the next day
Did I? gosh, I dont recall doing that, can you forgive me?
Let me think about it... NO, now get the fuck out of here cos you aint coming in, BANNED.

 

by TheGovernor
2-24-03
Hi Dad
Hello son, look Ive been getting some complaints about your attitude towards the clients they seem to think you're being a bit harsh
So what, Im just following the rules, thats the reason the worlds going to pot, because you allow any old soul to get in here
Still you could relax a little bit, I mean Ive had to cut my business trip short just to deal with this, now will you let me in please, Ive got to go check my emails
Nope, Ive revised the rules, arguing with the heavenly gate keeper is now a sin, you're BANNED.
What you can't ban me, why I ought ta...

 

by TheGovernor
2-24-03
Hi Prince of Darkness, can I crash at yours tonight, my son's being a pain in the arse at the minute, I'll have to wait till Pete gets back from holiday
Sure Big G, yeah, my trolls are working overtime to cover the huge rush on people down there, here's the keys, can you take Cerberus for a walk for me aswell, Ive got to work late, you know how it is.
There's been a bit of an admin error, we'll get it sorted soon, help yourself to the free buffet, I think they are showing A.I. on the big screen tonight
This really is Hell!
At least its not Police Acadamy 7 again

 

by TheGovernor
2-24-03
Meanwhile
Now Serving 68 ,,, 69,,,
Now Serving 70,,,
Ive got ticket 69...
And what do you want me to do about it? You missed your turn, you snooze you lose buddy. Get the fuck out of here.
Damn you Nazareth.

 

by TheGovernor
2-24-03
Stole a chocolate bar in your youth, BANNED.
!
Appeared on Jerry Springer, BANNED.
Created a Blasphemous Website! BANNED.

 

by TheGovernor
2-24-03
Look son this has gone far enough
Didnt I ban you?
You cant go around banning everyone from entering Heaven its just not right, I think you need help so Ive set up an anger management therapy session for you
No way dad, now get out of here because you're BANNED.
Dont make me get Divine on your punk ass boy, cos I'll smite you if I have to.

 

by TheGovernor
2-24-03
So if you see my old man on the premices again you know what to do?
sure thing boss.
Hi St Peter, did you have a nice holiday?
Yeah, just what I needed, bit of sun, sand, and you should have seen the women J, they were awesome
So you were having a bit of Nookie on the side.. Lets see, yup thats on the list, BANNED.
Hey!

 

by TheGovernor
2-24-03
Hi Pete, good to see you, perhaps we can clear this up now
No can do, your son is power trippin' he banned me. If he wasnt your progeny I would have kicked his ass for such an insult
Hey Satan
Hi Big G, look I may have the answer to your problems, I just spoke to a friend of mine, and he says he can help
Hi Dick Flange, Attourney-at-law. My buddy Satan said you are having a property ownership problem with your son
Thats the great thing about Hell, there's always a lawyer around when you need one

 

by TheGovernor
2-24-03
Just who in the Hell are you?
Dick Flange, Attorney-at-Law, yes based in hell, but accept clients from anywhere, your dad hired me to settle this dispute
No dispute, I Banned him from coming back in, he broke my rules
Yes but arent you also bound by the rules of the Bible, in which it states Honour thy mother and thy Father
Erm well, yes, but,, hey you're BANNED. Damn you and your biblical logic.
Case Closed. Tell your Dad I'll fax the bill over, We lawyers may be evil, but when good fails, who ya gonna call!

 

by TheGovernor
2-24-03
PS2?
X-Box?
Gamecube!

 

by TheGovernor
2-24-03
Remember what you practiced...."I really like you, I think you're great, would you like to go out with me?"
LINE
*Sigh* If you need me I'll be in the trailer

 

by TheGovernor
2-24-03
The Beaconsfield Adult Amateur Dramatic Society Present: TheGovernor's Beginnings #1
Ok there she is, just remember what you practiced...."I really like you, I think you're great, would you like to go out with me?"
Boobies!

Showing page 2.

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