All comics by cobaltman

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by cobaltman
2-06-05
Listen up, you cats. It's time to groove along with goat. Lay it on us, baby.
Baaaaaaaaaaaa
Like wow, man! That's what I call truth. Now listen up, you cats. It's time to lend an ear to brother chicken. This cat's been groovin' on the farm, dig? Lay it on me, man.
cluck......cl..cl.cl...bok
Far out, baby! And now...for your grooving pleasure...let us dig in and jive along with the sublime thoughts of...Todd Kwiatkowski!
Um...hi. Listen, are you guys gonna turn on the Dolphins game in here or what?

 

by cobaltman
2-07-05
Hiya, HAL. Time to drop the ol' kids off at the pool...ya know what I'm sayin'?
*sigh*...yes, Dave. I do hope that you have a pleasant bowel movement.
Say, HAL, did I ever tell ya about the toilets in Italy? Hardly any water in 'em. I mean, yer shittin' on dry porcelein over there.
tsk tsk...Yes, Dave, I do recall you telling me that. It is an interesting anecdote, though. Thank you.
Whoah...now I really feel weightless! Yok yok. Well, this ship ain't drivin' itself. I'll See ya after dinner, HAL. Taco night tonight.
And I'll see you in the airlock, you ratfucking bastard.

 

by cobaltman
2-09-05
ahem...Good evening comrades. Is cosmonaut Laika, here to tickle funnybones. So...what is difference between Space Shuttle and firecracker?
...Sometimes firecracker not blow up...hey, this audience or oil painting? So, who is from out of the town?
You...Like the American McAuliffe, you have wery beautiful blue eyes, sir. One blew this way and one blew other way...heh, heh...I kid.

 

by cobaltman
2-09-05
The elephant never forgets.
Hey Pogo, you remember the time that filmmaker caught you humping a knothole in that Banyan tree?
Hey Ukwekwe, remember the time that Dutch guy traded you a bag of bottlecaps for the rights to that diamond mine?
Which sucks.
Hey Pietro, remember the time you and your friends tried to scare me and I accidentally trampled three of them to death?

 

by cobaltman
2-09-05

 

by cobaltman
2-13-05
YESTERDAY, we went out in our NEW car to the GROCERY store.
Our DADDY bought a MILK shake on the way to the STORE. He then spilled it all over the SEAT.
It made me LAUGH to see the SEAT covered in VANILLA ICE CREAM.
At the STORE, I bought a BOX of CORN flakes and some BANANAS.
When we arrived at HOME, our MOMMY asked us, "where is the BUTTER that I need for this CAKE?"
"OOPS!", my DADDY said. "I FORGOT all about the BUTTER."

 

by cobaltman
2-16-05
It looks like the Krauts have us surrounded on all sides! It looks like our only hope is to send a distress call by carrier pigeon!
Fly true, Petey! Get this message to General Patton! The lives of every G.I. are depending upon...
fuck

 

by cobaltman
3-01-05
So I'm all "unga bunga" and she was all "whatever" and I was all "ooga booga" and she was all "get a life" which totally made me...
hey, you want one of these fruit pies?
um...no thanks. So anyways, I was all "unga bunga bunga", which totally blew her away. She was like "oh..my..god." And then...
um...I'm gonna go get a beer. You want one?
No thanks...so anyway, I was totally like "ooga bunga." Totally in her face, you know what I'm sayin? And then she was all...
that looks like a good tree to hang myself from over there

 

by cobaltman
3-01-05
[my dear friend in cell 12, I am the man in cell 13. I have managed to smuggle these tools. Alas, I am too weak to use them. You have a window. Use the tools! With them, you can escape this hellhole]
hmmmmm...
Here goes nothing.

 

by cobaltman
3-06-05
You can't avoid me forever, Butch. The other little boys and girls will all laugh at you. "Look at the baby!", they'll say. Poor little naughty baby!
You're a bad little baby, Butch; very very bad! I've seen what you do to yourself at night. Tsk tsk, you're mother is so ashamed of you.
Penny for your thoughts. *giggle*

 

by cobaltman
4-24-05
Tell me, my son; are you ready to face your maker?
I'm sorry father, but I don't believe in God. Once I'm executed, I reckon I'll just be dead and nothing more.
But you must have faith, my son. Now is the time to repent your transgressions.
Actually, father, I'm glad I killed that guy. He was a bastard and everybody knew it.
..........I'm sorry, I'll be damned if I can think of a punchline.
How about, "Vould you like a roll in ze hay?"

 

by cobaltman
7-19-05
hic...you don't know it...hic...but I'm the greatest video game player in the world...
seriously?
yup...I'm the greatest of all time...hic...but nobody gives me...hic...credit.
uh...so what's your name?
Arthur Andrew Abernathy

 

by cobaltman
8-17-05
Greetings! I'm the you of five seconds from now...but I'm ten seconds late.
I know.

 

by cobaltman
10-18-05
Can't..take it...much..longer...so thirsty..Please God...end this..miserable...existence!
fuck

 

by cobaltman
10-30-05
You take the point, Ensign. We're right behind you. Isn't that right, Mr. Spock?
Affirmative, Captain. Proceed, Mr. Lewandowski.
Captain, I hear hissing and tooth gnashing up ahead.
Stay on course, Ensign, we have you covered.
Thank you, sir. And thank you for not being sore about me missing that winning shot at the Starfleet three-on-three tournament.

 

by cobaltman
10-31-05
You were right, Mr. Spock! By introducing simple helium into the air, we have stopped the spread of the Xylorin fungus.
It was the most logical solution, Captain.
Indeed. Mr. Spock, you and Ensign Crum see to it that the process is completed. Beam me up, Scotty.
Affirmative, Captain. I estimate our return at two hours and seventeen minutes.
Allright, maggot! Let's move it out, you worthless pile of shit. I see any grab-assing, I will gouge out your eyes and skull-fuck you! Is that clear, sweetheart?

 

by cobaltman
11-24-05
Ladies and Gentlemen, for my final act of the night, I'd like to start World War III. May I have a drumroll please?
ba dum bump

 

by cobaltman
11-25-05
We found it, Trish! It's the ancient temple of Shao Lin, the holiest and most sacred spot in all of Asia.
Just imagine what kind of divine rituals are taking place behind those walls at this very moment.
Hey, Chuck. Long time no see. What, they got ya workin' C shift now?
Yeah. The boss is a real prick.

 

by cobaltman
12-17-05
Ok, half pound of the sale roast beef...
what else?

 

by cobaltman
12-29-05
Captain, the dilithium core reactor must be shut off manually. Otherwise, I predict a full breach in two minutes and eighteen seconds...
...you must keep engineering sealed off in that time. My Vulcan physiology will allow me to withstand the extreme radiation while Ensign Seagraves and I repair the core...
...but before I do, I wish to say that you are my friend, Jim. Live long and prosper.

 

by cobaltman
2-06-06
I am the abbot of this monastery. You are welcome here, young disciple, but please know that we have all taken a sacred, unbreakable oath of silence.
fuck.

 

by cobaltman
2-18-06
It's my dog Belle, Doc. Poor girl is blind in one eye...has arthritis...can't eat hard food...*sob*...I guess it's time to put the ol' girl down.
Tsk tsk tsk. Be brave, Mr. Davies. Think back on all of those golden moments between Belle and your family. Let the old girl fade into the twilight...
That'll be $24.86

 

by cobaltman
2-19-06
...that's right, Mr. Aberlain. Let your thoughts and prayers come straight from the heart. God will see and hear all.
AAAAaaaahh!!! AAaeehhhh!!! GGGggguuhh!!! Uhhh...uhh..it...hurts. it...hurts...
Now...don't you feel better?

 

by cobaltman
2-20-06
Are you satisfied? You've turned us against one another. But..do you know what it is..to..love? Have your games...
Quick! Behind You!
Mmmmphhh?
uhh...ummm. so..um...do you, like, know..uhh..how to..um..love?

 

by cobaltman
3-21-06
Hi Carrie. My name is Duane Herrera. I'm here to pick you up for the prom.

 

by cobaltman
3-26-06
How do you do, friend? If you don't mind, I'd like to take a few minutes of your time...
Blah...Don't vorry. Ve shall have an eternity ven ve are done...
Well that's just wonderful. You see, I'm here to share with you a terrific opportunity to...
Und I, too, vill share vith you the opportunity to live forever.
You mean I can sell Amway till the ends of time?
Uhhh..vat I meant to say is zat I have..um..to go meet..uh..my vife....so long

 

by cobaltman
4-09-06
Right..what trick ar we going to show the luvley people next, Clampo?
I WILL CURE CANCER
Right! Me friend Clampo will cure cancer. Take it away, Clampo!
Blimey. Betta luck next time, Clampo.

 

by cobaltman
4-16-06
Um...so, like, chew double mint gum or whatever

 

by cobaltman
4-17-06
So, Billy, how do you like school?
...covered in the creeping, insect blackness that devours my soul and continues to hunger...Hunger...HUNGER!
So, Billy, I hear you manage a baseball team.

 

by cobaltman
4-25-06
Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my pleasure to present our marine translator, the first program to successfully translate the song of the whales to human speech.
After years of study, our scientists have created that which was said to be impossible. Listen now as we finally discover what sublime wisdom is contained in the ancient song of the whales...
I once ate some plankton.

 

by cobaltman
4-27-06
Greetings, Earth Man. I am Glypto of the planet Xygor. I have come one million light years to teach your people the secrets of immortality and eternal happiness.
Ma che cazzo dici? Non ho capito una parola. Dove pensi d'essere?
Um...I was sent on a mission of peace. Uh...Do you know where I can...um...
Minchia! Quante volte devo dirlo? Siamo a Trento e parliamo solo la lingua del paese!
I must have the wrong planet.
Dove vai, Cancaro?

 

by cobaltman
5-02-06
The killer, my dear Agent Blue, can only be your trusted valet, Kato. Who else had access to the sauna that night?
I...see..
Time to jump over my baby's paternity test on my bike.

 

by cobaltman
5-04-06
Welcome, stranger. I am the 46,872nd abbot of the temple of unbreakable silence. I wi.......fuck! Please wait here.
Welcome, stranger. I am the 46,873rd abbot of...

 

by cobaltman
6-02-06
Aaaarrrr. And twasn't a soul left alive in the buildin' when the police snipers managed to keelhaul the two scurvy culprits.
And that be the news from Davy Jones' Locker. Have a good night, says I.
Aaaaarrr.

 

by cobaltman
7-03-06
My God! It's happened again!
Ok...stay calm! Stay calm! Did anybody see me enter the house?
We were just playing...I remember...he was...laughing...
I...knew...I shouldn't...ungh...have brought...you...home

 

by cobaltman
7-10-06
Ummmmm
Uhhhhhhh
Ummm...we pick Bonzo.
fuck

 

by cobaltman
7-10-06
December 2003: Crack finally makes it to the North Pole
Jesus. Did they have to give me fucking sentience too?

 

by cobaltman
7-10-06
Can I borrow your shield?
No.
Can I borrow your eyes?

 

by cobaltman
7-12-06
At ease, gentlemen!
A war is not won by dying for your country!
A war is won by hoarding Hostess Fruit Pies and setting fire to porno mags you stole from your uncle!

 

by cobaltman
8-09-06
Choose your guide, mortal. One of us shall lead you to the abbyssal plains of eternal suffering and one shall lead you to...
You have chosen poorly.

 

by cobaltman
8-10-06
Hooray! Three cheer on Christmas holiday for Japan.
Father Santabeard tumble down chute bringing plenty of good luck!
I am donated traditional yuletide gift present.

 

by cobaltman
8-18-06
To Chop or to Whack
The Result Is Always Same
A Worthy Trifle?

 

by cobaltman
9-03-06
Ok, Boys. I'm going into Anchorhead tonight. Clango is in charge of the moisture farm 'til I get back.
Sounds like fun, Boss. What are you going to get?
Hopefully, not a case of Rodian gonorrhea.

 

by cobaltman
9-03-06
Hi, Wally. I hear you got a bad motivator.
Sigggghhhhh. Yes, Sir. It takes all I've got just to punch in every morning.
I also hear you let the #8 vaporator go kaput last night
Sob.....yes...sir. I tried to bring it online before anyone noticed.
I also hear you been fuckin' my stepdaughter.
SYNTAX ERROR>DOES NOT COMPUTE>SYSTEM SHUTDOWN IN 5 SECONDS

 

by cobaltman
9-03-06
...what I'm really looking for is a droid that understands the binary language of moisture vaporators.
Vaporators? Sir -- My first job was programming binary load lifters-very similar to your vaporators.
Do you speak Bocce?
Of course I can, sir. It's like a second language for me.
Do you play Bocce?

 

by cobaltman
9-03-06
...what I'm really looking for is a droid that understands the binary language of moisture vaporators.
I think number 4 over there calls me an asshole whenever I walk by.

 

by cobaltman
9-06-06
These aren't the droids you're looking for.
These aren't the droids I'm looking for...
...wait...what the?...I just came out to take a piss, for christ sake!

 

by cobaltman
9-06-06
Hiya, Dwight. Wanna go into Toshi Station to pick up some power converters?
Hey, that would be swell!
What do you need the power converters for, anyway?
I'm converting you to a water-free chemical toilet.

 

by cobaltman
9-06-06
...so then, after the old guy cuts off Walrus Man's arm, a couple of storm troopers walk in and head toward their table!...
Wow!
...They cut out quick, but the guy with the vest sticks around and shoots a green bounty hunter while the guy wasn't looking!...
Holy Smokes!
...and then I accidentally stumbled into the girls' bathroom and knocked a hammerhead woman off her toilet...

 

by cobaltman
9-27-06
Go round up the other droids, Dwight. Sand people just attacked a nearby moisture farm.
Gee, boss, how many of them were there?
Well, sand people always march single file to hide their numbers.
But judging from the fruit pie wrappers, I'd say about eight.

Showing page 2.

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