All comics by deathtoradio

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by deathtoradio
12-05-07
This morning I had a chipotle snack wrap. Then I had some chips with chipotle salsa. And now I have this burger with chipotle bbq sauce.
Fad chaser.
I am NOT a fad chaser.
Are too. If double fried goat turds were popular, you'd be knee deep in goat shit.
I Would no---how do they taste?
Like shit.

 

by deathtoradio
12-09-07
Are you guys doing this just because I didn't shave my playoff beard after the playoffs? Cause, you know, I'll totally shave if that's it.
Fuck. I just shit my pants. That's normal though, right? You arn't putting this up on youtube, are you?
Ok, ok, you guys win. Jesus 0, shitty friends 1, now get me off this damn thing. Guys?

 

by deathtoradio
12-10-07
I call on all my muslim brothers to buy stock in American fast food companies...especially the golden arches...McDonalds I think it is called.
Everyone knows how fat Americans have become. It's pretty ridiculous, really.
Our new plan is to make the infidels die of heart failure. It may seem like we're getting desperate here, but since our death by reality shows plan didn't work out, we're left with few choices.

 

by deathtoradio
12-10-07
That was a great idea you had for the kids. They can't possibly hurt themselves in a rubber padded room. And the slot for pancakes, pure genius.
Yeah, now we don't have to put up with their shit until they're 18.
Do you think think they can surive on pancakes alone, though?
College kids seem to be able to. That and beer.
What if they get lonely in there?
Don't worry babe. We can get 'em a monkey. Kids love monkeys.

 

by deathtoradio
12-12-07
Proto, of the planet Salvius interogates the most intelligent earth creature he could find near his landing site.
Greetings earthling. I am Proto from the planet Salvius. I claim YOUR planet in the name of the supreme ruler of MY planet. What do you have to say about that?
Moo.
Earthling, do you mock thee?
Moo?
Do you feel lucky earthling? Well, do you?
Moooooo!

 

by deathtoradio
12-12-07
Oh,hey Jesus. Big fan.
Right on. Right on.
Is that story about you walking on water really true?
Oh yeah, that...funny you should mention it. My disciples were a little drunk that day, I was actually just standing in a mud puddle. You know how people exaggerate when they're drunk.
But they still nailed you to that big fuckin' cross, though, right?
Um....yeah...

 

by deathtoradio
12-13-07
Hey John. What's with the bunny suit and axe?
I'm getting audited by the IRS, and I have a meeting with an agent in half an hour.
That still doesn't explain the get up.
Oh yeah, sorry. I'm working on my insanity defense. You know, kill a few people in the IRS office, claim insanity. No big woop.

 

by deathtoradio
12-15-07
Dude, why the hell are all our dishes out by the curb, and all our garbage in the dishwasher?
Bro, you said take out the dishes and do the garbage.
Could it just be that you pulled too many G's last night and you got the order mixed up.
Dude, just because you're fat, it doesn't mean you have to yell.

 

by deathtoradio
12-17-07
Man, alive it's cold this morning! I hit a patch of black ice on my way here and nearly died!
Why ya'll gotta call it "black ice?" Why can't it just be "deceptively slippery ice that looks like the road?"
.....cracker.

 

If Tears for Fears were Canadian, instead of English, they would have sounded a little something like this:
Shoot, shoot, let it all oot, these are the things I could do withoot, come on, I'm talking to you...
by deathtoradio, 12-19-07

 

Battle of Little Bighorn
I don't know, soldier. There's a lot of indians down there.
They're shooting at us with bows and arrows...they might as well be throwing stones at us, for christ's sake! I mean, really, how bad could it get?
by deathtoradio, 12-19-07

 

by deathtoradio
12-19-07
Bro, what's taking so long to get here? I put up the "blunt signal" like an hour ago.
Chill man, the "bluntmobile" is warming up.
Well, hurry the fuck up. I'm having one rational thought after another.
It's not contagious, is it?

 

by deathtoradio
12-20-07
Man, I used to be kind of proud of being the symbol of the republican party...that is until Bush.
Which Bush?
Oh come off it man! You know which one I'm talking about.
We are talking about a human, right? All this talk about bushes is making me hungry. I could nosh, could you nosh?

 

by deathtoradio
12-20-07
Don't fear the reaper...da da da da...don't fear the reaper.
You were saying?
Wuh? Me? No. You're hearing things.

 

Pull my fin. Go ahead, I dare ya.
Oh no you don't. I'm not falling for that one again.
by deathtoradio, 12-20-07

 

Say, that's a pretty nice house you've got there.
Thanks, but I'm probably gonna lose my ass on that whole subprime mortgage mess.
by deathtoradio, 12-20-07

 

by deathtoradio
12-20-07
What do you mean I don't satisfy you? I thought you said it was a good size.
Even the doctor who delivered me seemed impressed...you know, from what I hear. Babe do we have to do this now? Just give me your order.
So... No super-sizing, then?

 

Wooooooo, I'm scarey.
Oh my god, it's a ghost! Quick, someone call Bill Murray...oh, and those 3 other guys.
by deathtoradio, 12-20-07

 

by deathtoradio
12-20-07
Bad news captain! Satan himself has climbed out of the sea and is now boarding us.
My god, he's even more vile and horrifying than the bible made him out to be.
Permission to jettison the contents of my bladder, sir?
Honk, honk.

 

Bad news th-sweety. Herion thin, is th-so out this year...'cept on Halloween. I'm gonna have to write you a ticket.
by deathtoradio, 12-20-07

 

by deathtoradio
12-20-07
Where the fuck do you think you're going chicken?
cluck?
Last time I checked this wasn't a fucking democracy. You give me eggs, and I don't kill you, that's how it works.
Cluck, cluck.
Oh my god, you and the other chickens were planning a revolution, weren't you? That's the last time I read you George Orwell as a bedtime story.

 

by deathtoradio
12-20-07
Argh. It's been six long months since I've planted my flag between the legs of some sex thirsty wench.
The closest thing to cleavage out here is Butch's plumbers crack.
Oh look at that, I dropped my pencil.
I'll get that for ya, captain.

 

I'll give you three seconds to get back on the flag.
by deathtoradio, 12-20-07

 

by deathtoradio
12-21-07
There's no way you're getting a tip on this delivery.
Why's that?
A guy just ordered a pizza with double beef, an order of hot wings with "boo cheese" dipping sauce, and an orange soda.
Well, all the warning signs are there.
He also said bring change for $100. And to meet him behind the house, and sorry but there isn't a light back there.
Wow, this doesn't sound like a set up at all.

 

by deathtoradio
12-21-07
Arrr, you smell matey. I order you to take a pirate bath.
What the hell is a pirate bath?
Pits and privates only.
Ayyyy, captain.

 

by deathtoradio
12-22-07
You douchebag, you drank all of my rum last night, didn't you?
No, you got drunk and polished it off yourself. So you would be the douchebag.
Arrr, I'll have no douchebaggery on my ship. Walk the Plank! Both of ya!

 

by deathtoradio
12-22-07
So yeah, looks like you're all set.
Ok, when you said TIME SHARE, this isn't exactly what I had in mind. I was thinking more like a place by the beach. You know, maybe some sand.
Well, yeah, you know, you just have to read the fine print. It's complicated.
Ok, well, when is it going to be your turn again?
Yeah, about that....

 

by deathtoradio
12-24-07
Who likes short, shorts?
I like short, shorts!
Arrr, you've got a dangler, there.
I know.
Ok, just so you know.
I do.

 

by deathtoradio
12-24-07
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum...
Whoa, there lads, try to keep your hands to your...
...good god man, leave some green spaghetti for the rest of us!

 

by deathtoradio
12-25-07
Merry Christmas!
What the fuck did you just say?
uh...Merry Christmas?
Who the fuck sent you? Was it Bill 'O Reilly? Cause if it was, it might make me a little angry.
No, I swear. It wasn't. That's just kind of my thing.
It was Bill O' Reilly! I can tell by that vacant look in your eyes. That potato eating, shamrock lovin' motherfucker!

 

by deathtoradio
12-28-07
Man, Kate is looking hot today!
Meh, she's just "office hot," at best.
You lost me.
It's when a co-worker looks good, due to a lack of options.
Oooooh, the prison effect!
Bingo!

 

What was the highlight of 2007 for you?
2 girls 1 cup.
by deathtoradio, 1-01-08

 

by deathtoradio
1-01-08
Idle hands are the devil's playground.
Especially if one is in your pocket, and you're moaning.

 

by deathtoradio
1-01-08
So, I hear you tried some kind of weird experiment last night. What exactly was it?
Well...buttered bread always lands buttered side down, and cats always land on their feet, right? So I tied the buttered bread to the cats back and dropped it, to see who would come out on top.
Well what the fuck happened????
I dropped it from my balcony on the 20th floor. It definitely landed on it's head...know where I can get another cat?

 

Bitch, where's my carbon credits? I know you've been working the corner all day. Don't make a brother smack a ho.
by deathtoradio, 1-01-08

 

by deathtoradio
1-01-08
Whatta you mean I cut off the wrong leg?
I gave you the wrong chart.
Should we just cut the other one off to even things up?
Uhhhhh...
Well, he's black, so can't he just use his penis as a second leg, or something?
Maybe...I mean if the stories are true.

 

by deathtoradio
1-03-08
How the fuck are you out in broad daylight?
That whole night thing is a myth, prepetuated by my kind's love for late night disco parties.
Prepare to die fucker, I just happen to have some holy water here in my pocket. Let's see if that was a myth!
::hissssss::
Huh-ha! How does that feel? Oh shit, that wasn't holy water, it was lemon pledge.
My genitals are tingling.

 

by deathtoradio
1-04-08
Dan woke up and had a bowl of Grapenuts and eggs whites, because his doctor told him too.
Around noon today, Dan had a bowel movement.
Fuck, it's almost bedtime. Then what, stare at the wall tomorrow? What's newsworthy about that?

 

by deathtoradio
1-04-08
I injected the utters with chocolate syrup.
Now there really will be a chocolate milk cow.

 

by deathtoradio
1-04-08
We got a complaint from your neighbor, saying you were running around naked.
I'm not naked, all my naughty parts are covered up.
"It" isn't in the chicken, is it?
Maybe.
We'll let the indecent exposure charge slide, but I'm gonna have to bring you in for postmortem bestiality.

 

In celebrity news, Mr. T talks about his new memoir, and admit's to no longer pitying fools, but still has issues with "suckas."
by deathtoradio, 1-07-08

 

by deathtoradio
1-08-08
Arrrrrr, we're fucking lost again! How the fuck do we keep getting lost? I mean seriously, we're pirates for fucks sake.
We passed the island with the mountain that looks like a skull, I don't understand it.
Hey! There's another ship out there. Swim out there and ask for directions...oh and plunder some booty while you're there.
Arrr, booty. Tempting.

 

by deathtoradio
1-08-08
I just met the president! And under very weird circumstances.
Shut up.
Our tour group was walking by his oval office bathroom. He had the door open, and we saw him wiping his ass...and get this, his toilet paper was the constitution!
Really?
Impressed?
No.

 

by deathtoradio
1-08-08
Anything yet?
No, keep squirting.
How about now?
You're hitting the twig alright, but competely missing the berries.
Houston, we have a direct hit, I repeat, direct hit.
My genitals are tingling.

 

by deathtoradio
1-09-08
Where's the security guy? I can't find him ANYWHERE. I can see his uniform floating in mid-air, but no security guy.
Ha ha, yeah I get it, Camoflauge---invisible man. Funny.
Oh my god! Thereeee you are. You really blended into the office background.
Yeah, well next time I'll stick my foot up your ass, just to let you know I'm here.

 

Prepare to die snail!
You brought SALT to a gunfight?
by deathtoradio, 1-09-08

 

by deathtoradio
1-09-08
Hey there sailor, is that a musket in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
It's a musket.

 

by deathtoradio
1-11-08
Hey there Captain Chicken Fucker. Your competition has been talking a lot of smack lately. What are you going to do to your next opponent?
Are you familiar with the term "donkey punch," Bob?
Yes. Anyway, moving on. What else are you going to do to him?
Well, then I thought I'd move onto a "cleveland steamer."
Captain Chicken Fucker, there's no way they can show this on tv. They're going to have to censor you the whole time.
I know, it'll just add to the mystique of it all. On tv, I'll just be some big angry blurred out ghost lookin' thing. But in person...now there's a real treat.

 

Hey Dante, how's your inferno thing going?
Great. I'm making a new ring for mother-in-laws and retards.
by deathtoradio, 1-11-08

 

by deathtoradio
1-11-08
It's great that you wanted to run in the marathon grandma, but everyone left the starting line already...and go!
Hmmm?
And...go!
I hear they'll be playing re-runs of Matlock at the finish line.

Showing page 2.

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