All comics by four_legged_tripod

Profile

 

Oh no way! Don't go in there! He went in there.
Wow! Where did she get the money for an internal camera and how did she strap it to his head?
Dude, I've seen the video and I still don't believe it.
If you need proof, you could always smell my elbows.

 

That was horrible. I can't believe she made that poor mouse do that. There are just some things an animal shouldn't have to go through.
Oh well. At least I'm at the bar. There isn't anything Jack Daniels can't erase. That is of course unless my eHarmony date looks like a dog.
Monkey?

 

I'm Emily. I want to say that I loved your eHarmony video. It was so raw and honest.
Yeah. Speaking of honest, your profile picture led me to believe you were a hot cheerleader.
Oh I used to be in my cheerleading days. I'm now entering a emo phase.
I'm sorry. I wasn't really paying attention. Did you just say you were in an eating emu stage?
No. Emo. It's short for emotions. It means I'm really connected with my emotions.
Well by the looks of you, I'm going to guess that you haven't connected with your happy emotions in awhile. That is of course unless you ate them.

 

So then I entered Wicca.
You literally became a witch?
No. It was more about being connected to nature. I feel really close to nature. Especially trees.
Is that because you're built like a tree stump?
No. It's because you can tell how many boyfriends I've had by counting the cut marks on my wrist.

 

Here. Let me show you a picture of my last boyfriend.
And you honestly have no idea why he drove nails into his head after he met you?

 

Look. This isn't how I thought tonight would go, but I'm drunk. What do you say we salvage the rest of the night and go back to your place? I'm sure there's a lot of hot candle wax we can work with.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm a born-again virgin. Although I've had sex before, I've taken a pledge not to have sex again until I'm married.
But you saw my video! You knew what to expect. This is false advertising. Why did you even come out with me tonight?
I was hoping to convert you.
And I was hoping you would convert into at least a size 10, but I guess we'll both be leaving disappointed.

 

Well that's just great! First, I'm scarred for life after watching the poor mouse enter the "tunnel of love."
Then my date turns out to be a pasty white, overweight cutter who I still didn't get to bang. This night couldn't get anyworse.
Monkey Man!
I've really got to stop saying that things couldn't get any worse.

 

Hey Monkey Man, I mean "Tia." I'm sorry for running out on you like that. You really freaked me out when you pulled out a fist full of my pubes.
Yeah, about that ...
I got to thinking that I really did enjoy myself and would like to do it again.
Al, to be honest, my night hasn't gone so well and I'm starting not to feel so good either.
Hey Monkey Man, you've either just pretended to pass out to play hard to get, or you're assuming the position. Which is it? Monkey Man? Monkey Man?

 

Where am I? And why is everything so bright?
Mr. Monkey, I'm nurse Natalie. You're in the hospital.
Either I've died and gone to heaven, or I'm in a 3-D version of "Naughty Night Nurses 4."
Mr. Monkey, I'm going to need to take your temperature rectally now.
Ah, "Naughty Night Nurses 4." I knew it!

 

Is there anything else I can get you?
Can I get one of those catheters with the balloon on the end.
And why would you want that?
I've always wanted to watch the nurse blow up the balloon orally after it's inserted.
That's not exactly how I do that. I use a hand pump.
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were the head nurse.

 

Mr. Monkey? I'm Dr. Dan. You drank a little too much last night and passed out that's all. Be we ran some tests and I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news.
Give me the bad news first doc.
The bad news is that you have an animal STD called Brucellosis which has developed into endocarditis.
And the good news?
You won't have to worry about this disease much longer as you only have about 48 hours left to live.

 

I suggest that you contact those you have been with sexually over the past five years and let them know that they may be infected as well.
Is it possible to call everyone in the New York phone book in 48 hours?
You might want to try calling one of your first partners to see if they've been infected and go from there.
I don't care what you've heard about toilet seats. I didn't give it to him.

 

47 hours later ...
So I've been up for 47 hours calling anyone and everyone I could think of and you're the last on the list. They say if you start antibiotics soon, you'll be okay.
Oh monkey, I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?
Just in case I'm around a little while longer, could you call Make-A-Wish and see if I could get some high class strippers up in here?

 

beep...beep...beep...beep...beep...
They say when you're about to die, your life flashes before your eyes.
beep...beep...beep...beep...beep...
I see drunken orgies, hookers, bondage whips, older women, younger kids, latex gloves and a horse named Charlie.
beep...beep...beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
And that was just last Thursday ...

 

Oh wow! There's no way I'm in heaven.
After everything I did and to all of those I did it to, why would they let me up here?
You're up here cuz I'm punishing Satan. He really wanted to party with you.

 

Here's the deal monkey, you and I both know you can't stay here and keeping you out of hell really pisses off Satan ...
So what then, purgatory?
No. Purgatory's a myth I created to keep the Catholics busy. I'm talking reincarnation. It's a myth as well but I have the power to do it.
You're going to send me back to Earth as someone else to teach me a lesson?
You'll be seen by a lot of people but you'll have a face that no one will love so you'll be doomed to be around people but not have sex.
So am I coming back as Clint Howard or Steve Buscemi?

 

So you're sending me back to Earth with a horse face so I won't have sex to teach me a lesson.
And just for extra measure, I'm taking away your penis. Now go!
A snail? What the hell God? I thought we were talking about Sarah Jessica Parker!
Editor's Note: Apologies to Sarah Jessica Parker. I would do you. From behind. In the dark. A note to all you loyal readers, thanks for following Monkey's journey. Hope you enjoyed it.
Oh shut the hell up and say "The End" already!

 

Hey dad, how did the egg hunt become a part of Easter?
One week after the crucifixion...
Didn't you hear me? I said Jesus has come back! Quick, hide the eggs woman! Hide the eggs!
Yeah. And that story can be found in the Gospel According to Bull Crap, right?

 

52! Woo Hoo! 52!
Ma'am, I'm sorry but the other customers are complaining about the noise.
Oh. Well I'm just really excited. I just completed a puzzle and it only took me 52 days.
52 days? That doesn't seem like much of an accomplishment.
I thought it was. The box said "3 to 5 years."

 

This just in: 17 people have died and 20 more are injured in a massive pile up downtown.
We go live to Sam, our man on the street.
And I heard that bald beavers were the way to go this summer, so I thought I would give it a try.
And that, Dianne, is why it's illegal to shave in the center of main street here in Tylertown, Mississippi.

 

I'm sorry folks, but I'm gonna have to ask you to remain seated. We are currently flying over Maine and it is illegal here to step out of a plane while in flight.
by four_legged_tripod, 6-25-09

 

Hey kid. You didn't wash your hands after you used the bathroom.
Yeah, so?
In the Army, they taught us to wash our hands after we used the bathroom.
Yeah, well in kindergarten, they taught us not to piss on our hands.

 

My friends and I are mourning the loss of a great celebrity today.
If it wasn't for his pasty white face and the way he touched children, millions of people would not have seen us dance and have emulated it.
We will never forget Star Search or you, Ed McMahon.

 

Waz up bee-otch? Bring your sweet ass over here and give daddy some sugar.
Yo my brotha! Where the hell's the 40s at? I needs to get my drink on after my night with that skanky ass hoe.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Scene 2, Take 5
What's up with you Mudflap? Where were you all weekend? You look like hell.
Uh ... Method acting Skids. Method acting.

 

I'm sorry Mr. Hawking, but I think this is one mystery I can't solve.
I'm just not finding anything here.
*click clack* I appreciate the thought, Sherlock, but I was pretty sure that the universe did not start from my crotch anyway.

 

A fiery talking bush! This must be the Lord here to make me the leader of Israel.
I am all powerful. I can make the ordinary into something extraordinary.
Oh great and powerful Yahweh, it is I, Moses, your loyal and humble servant.
Yahweh? The name's Carrot Top, douche!
I'm here all week in the wilderness as I can't get a gig elsewhere. Now, you got a buttplug?

 

Did you know that the way they got Mr. Ed's lips to move on TV was to shove a carrot up his ass?
Bullshit! If you can prove it, I'll let you fuck Jennifer in our bed tonight.
Easy Ed. I'm just going to stick a carrot up your ass to prove to Angelina that it will make your lips move.
Actually, they would put peanut butter on my lips to make them move. I started the carrot rumor later so dipshits like you would pleasure me every now and again, so get to it pretty boy!

 

Rape you, Jokey Rape! You had no right to rape me without asking my rape-ing permission!
Oh shut your rape hole Rape-ette! I'll tell Papa Rape about the other night and he'll rape his foot so far up your rape hole ...
Billy? Why is this door locked? Are you jerking off to those Rapes again?

 

So, that's one Asian wrap, a Polish sausage, and a Caribbean jerk salad. Will that be all?
Yeah. Hey, the people products you use in your food, were any of the females menstruating during slaughter?
No sir. All of our people products are clean. We check each female for possible traces of PMS.
Good. I'm highly concerned about mad cow disease.

 

First off, good work to you all. The amount of celebrity deaths is staggering. You guys have made a difference in changing the whole "celebrity death trifecta" theory. Keep it up!
We're killing the high profile celebrities to grab the attention of the world, but um, if we keep this up, won't we be left with reality TV stars and Jessica Simpson?
Hmmmm. That does seem like a flaw in the plan, but the orders are from higher up.
Keep up the good work boys, keep up the good work!

 

Welcome to my lair Mr. Evil Knievel. I've had you knocked out for the last three days to bring you here and offer you a place among my Evil Army.
Look man, I'm not really evil. It's just a stage name. I just travel all over the country doing stunts.
Then you could recruit for me while you travel.
I'm not really into the whole "Evil Army" thing.
If you don't, I'll post a video of me tea bagging you last night on YouTube.
Wait ... What?

 

I needed an insurance policy to make sure you would work for me.
So you video taped yourself putting your balls in my mouth?
Enough! Now go get me Ash from the Evil Dead, the chick from Resident Evil, everyone in the Axis of Evil, and See No Evil.
Look, the first two are just movie characters, I can't do the Axis of Evil since I have no passport, and the last one is just a movie.
I was referring to the monkey on the last one.

 

Oh, and all the members from the band Live since the named spelled backwards is "Evil."
You can't just go around kidnapping people for your army.
Do it or I'll release part two of the blackmail video.
I was wondering if there was a reason my balls were shaved.
Sorry. I kept getting your pubes caught in my teeth.

 

Just go look for anyone who appears evil and bring them to me.
They don't have to have "evil" in their name?
It would be a plus, but I'll take what I can get. Just give them this pill. It will knock them out and you can bring them back.
A Flintstones Vitamin?
Sorry. Wrong pocket. I meant to give you the roofie.

 

The only way I'm going to get out of this mess is to drive off this canyon and kill myself.
What the hell am I doing here? I thought I was good enough to go to heaven.
I've got a YouTube video that says otherwise.

 

Well, since I'm here, I might as well tell you about a guy up top who's putting together an evil army and is looking for recruits.
Go on ...
Just take this pill and you'll be transported to the secret meeting place.
Okay. What the hell.
3 days later ...
Where the hell am I and why does my mouth taste like sweaty ball sac?
Easy Mr. Satan. You can relive it all again on YouTube.

 

If it doesn't ring soon, I'm going to lose my mind.
Hmm....
I suppose that I may have already lost my mind since I'm waiting for my dick to ring.

 

I brought you here Son to learn a lesson on how to treat a woman.
How is a morgue going to teach me on how to treat a woman?
Well, after 20 years of sex with your mother, I've found that the women here are more responsive.

 

I brought you here Son to learn a lesson on how to treat a woman.
How is a mourge going to teach me on how to treat a woman?
It's not. Your mother burnt the fucking pancakes again. Now say good-bye so we can hit the strip clubs.

 

So it's set. We race to Vegas. First one there wins.
It's on. Your piece of shit car has no chance against my sweet ride.
If you say so.
Fucking cheater. I should have known better than to take a challenge from Tonya Harding's nephew.

 

You know, I was thinking of creating a comic strip but I'm not sure how. Can you help?
Sure! First you must say penis or boobies a lot. Boobies are good!
Great! Then I could randomly change the characters and background when there is no reason to do so.
Don't forget to cuss a lot just for cussing sake. Say "suck my cock mother fucker or I'll staple my ass wart to your shithead brother!" especially if it has nothing to do with anything!
i cud spel thingz rong, and not, uze, korrect, punkuatun? butt how i end it! @$%^&*(*&^
Go with something intellectual, you know, to get them thinking. Oh, I got it! FART! FART! FART!

 

Daddy? Can I have a sucker--
Punch?
Daddy! You hit me! What was that about?
I know! It's weird! We're so connected that we're finishing each other's sentences.

 

Daddy? Can I have a sucker--
Punch?
Daddy! You hit me! What was that about?
I know! It's weird! We're so connected that we're finishing each other's--
Ass whoopins?

 

I've got an Asian male throwing gang signs. Over. I'm going in.
On the ground faggot, before I have to mess you up!
Hey, officer dipshit, I wasn't throwing gang signs. My friend's deaf. I was using sign language.
Keep the gang slang to yourself, Chinky. Your gang colored tie says all I need to hear!

 

I got your poem. Time to go.
You took that seriously, man? I was just kiddin'.
by four_legged_tripod, 7-15-09

 

See dad, I'm working smarter, not harder. Instead of carrying a heavy pail of chicken feed, I just keep the chicken feed in my pockets.
I'm not sure how smart that is. Those chickens can get rather aggressive around feeding time.
You'll see dad. I think I'll feed my rooster first. Here chicky chicky.
Bawk?
Oh dear God dad! Please come quick and help me with my cock!

 

Baby, are you sure you're okay with me being blind?
Other than the way you dress yourself, I love you for who you are. Meet me in my bedroom and I'll prove it. I'll go get more comfortable.
Oh yeah, baby. There you are. I love the way you're purring for me.
Rawr?
10 minutes later
John! What the fuck did you do to my pussy?

 

yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap
Damn bitch. That has to be the most annoying sound in the world. I'm going to the kitchen for another beer.
There you are! Are you finally going to do the dishes? And what about the trash? You said yesterday yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap

 

What's wrong Jose?
Juan, I'm so horny but the señoritas won't have sex with me.
It's because jour ugly. Even a burrow wouldn't do ju.
! ! !
Go Jose, go! Slap that ass!
This is an odd way to get fed a bean burrito.

 

Well, you have syphilis. Have you been having unprotected sex?
The hooker said she was clean.
You need to tell all of your partners the truth so they can get tested and treated.
What happened to your penis? Why is it red and swollen? Have you been cheating on me?
Uh, no. Um, my crotch was attacked by, uh, a beaver.

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