All comics by smamurai

Profile

 

by smamurai
11-14-03
Wow, this sure is a nice house!!!
I just got it!!!
What the hell did you do to get this???
Well.....
This isn't your house is it? I came here for the lamp, what did you come for?
I hear the English! Let's get out of here quickly before they notice their Nintender box is still warm.

 

by smamurai
11-19-03
Shopkeeper -62 banter pts : Frobo teh 1337 skillz pts
Good day to you sir. What would you like to do today? Buy, Sell or talk about the same old useless shit again?
Yeah, I was in here earlier and I think I must have put two vials of elf-gunk in my shopping basket by mistake. You see I only really needed the one.
Shopkeeper -59 banter pts : Frobo teh 1337 skillz pts
That's not a problem sir, I can take that unwanted elf-gunk off your hands. How does 2000 groinks sound?
2000 groinks? But I just bought them from here two minutes ago for 10,000 groinks apiece
Shopkeeper -60 banter pts : Frobo teh 1337 skillz pts
So fucking sue me. Would you like to talk about how I don't know where the dragon is again? Or maybe you would like to buy more elf-gunk.
Man I really want to fucking kill you, but for some reason I seem to forget how to fight and cast spells every time I am in this shop.

 

by smamurai
11-19-03
God, are you there?
Go away kid, I'm resting. I've had a rough day.
But I have a very important question I need to ask of you.
Alright, what is it?
Taking into consideration both the hardware and the software availible for both systems, which is better, X-Box or PS2?
I got two words for you little girl - Warcraft III on the PC

 

by smamurai
11-19-03
God, are you there?
Go away kid, I'm resting. I've had a rough day.
But I have a very important question I need to ask of you.
Alright, what is it?
I prayed to you when I was 4 but I forgot to say "amen", do you care?
Jesus that was you? It's like not hangin up a phone or sumthin. For 5 years people have been trying to pray to me, but all I get is the sound of you breathing or talkin shit with your friends.

 

by smamurai
11-21-03
So what would you like for Christmas, little boy?
A belt sander!
What would you like for Christmas, little girl?
Matches!
Please Santa, all I want is a cheap base-ball cap to cover my chemotherapy caused baldness. Can you do it?
No kid, because you've just been X'd on a hidden camera show called The Bob Experiment. I'm not a high-court judge and this isn't even my real fat.

 

by smamurai
11-21-03
Hobbit exp lvl = naive, Chocobo weight = 37kilos
Ok take it easy, just walk uo to it real nice and slow and slip the rope over the.....
aaawk
Hobbit exp lvl = novice, Chocobo weight = 37kilos
aaawk
....Huh? Where'd he go?...They're agile right enough. I guess I should just all-out try to dive on his back.
Hobbit exp lvl = animal stud, Chocobo weight = 37.22kilos
UHHGH! OK got 'im. S'pose I shoulda jumped higher but now that I'm in here it does feel kinda nice.
SKWAWRAAAWK

 

by smamurai
11-21-03
Come over here secretary, I've got a little job I want you to do for me. You can start by taking down my....ahh....memo.
*sigh* Just let me get my note-pad and pen.
I have to take this round to everybody. Please read it and sign it.
It says 'Missing - Expensive digtal camcorder. Last seen behind the grating above the middle cubicle in the womens lavatory if you know of it's whereabouts please inform Mr. Boss'
It's disgusting. I don't know how that pig has the nerve to do a thing like that in this day and age. What do you think we should do about it?
We? I think I should have a word to Mr. Boss about you. You know, secretaries usually hand out memos topless round here. We're like a family in that respect.

 

Buck for a buck, Buck?
When man talk like chicken, Buck about to get ass-raped for 1 dollar.
by smamurai, 12-01-03

 

by smamurai
12-05-03
And with this magic hat, you'll come alive.
Hotdiggity, I'm alive!
What's the first thing you want to do, Frosty?
Hmmm...
After being caught in the cinema watching a Star-Trek marathon without paying, frosty winds up going to court.
Look, when we go in there try to give the judge a big smile and try to look more confident. It can't hurt to make a good impression.
But I've run out of carbonised crystals and my hat's at full jauntiness, she willna take no more captain.

 

by smamurai
12-10-03
OH MY GOD! EVERYBODY GET DOWN, GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR!
Wha?
They shouldn't let a guy with one eye drive the bus.
We've been under that bridge a hundred times this term and we haven't hit it once.
His brother is Janitor Bilge from our school. They both have no depth perception
It's sad. I watched him for over an hour yesterday trying to sweep a soccer ball into a milkshake carton.

 

by smamurai
12-10-03
OUCH!!
WHAT'S HAPPENING BACK THERE? IS THERE A KID IN PAIN?
Janitor Bilge, would it be fair to say that having only one eye has left you depth perceptively challenged?
WHY YOU CHEEKY DEVIL, I HAVE A GOOD MIND TO RUN OVER THERE AND GIVE YOU A DAMN GOOD THRASHING.
Isn't it enough that you are already crushing my foot with your size fourteens?

 

by smamurai
12-11-03
My dad could so kick your dads ass.
Yeah right. My mom could kick your dads skinny ass.
Not any more. My dad is a major fundraiser for the towns Ju-Jitsu club.
So?
So last week at a fundraising dinner they gave him an honorary blackbelt.
Great. He musta been all like ........... 'I know Ju-Jitsu??'

 

by smamurai
12-11-03
Ok children we are going to be stuck in this snowdrift for a while. Feel free to tuck into your lunchboxes.
Mmmmn! I got roast chicken and pesto on a toasted ciabatta roll.
I got peanut butter and jelly.
Yeeuch! I got salad sandwiches.
I got about enough for a couple of well packed bowls, what do you have?
Some Tipp-ex thinner and a pen-knife. Wanna trade?

 

by smamurai
12-11-03
We haven't seen that crazy dog for a while have we? You know, the one that always chases after the bus?
I've seen bits of him.
WHAT?
He finally managed to catch up with the bus earlier in the week.
How do you know that?
His nose is still stuck in the exhaust pipe.

 

by smamurai
12-11-03
HA ha ha! Are you ready?
Hee hee! Yeah, just do it man.
I did it.
OH MAN, THAT'S DISGUSTING, HA HA HA.
JESUS, IT FUCKING STINKS ..... IT .... it ..... it's gone?
Maybe we should keep the other stink-bombs for inside the school.

 

by smamurai
12-11-03
Now I know that you kids smoke and I want you to stop. Not only does it stunt your growth but it actually makes you shrink.
Shrink? I think you must be mistaken there Janitor Bilge.
Oh yeah? I found a Zippo under the Coke machine in the yard. No normal healthy boy could fit under there for a sneaky smoke.
Perhaps someone just, kicked it under there by mistake?
I can't imagine a six inch tall boy being able to kick a Zippo lighter very far, do you?
No, what I meant was... um ... um ... please stop talking to me.

 

by smamurai
12-12-03
Janitor Bilge is freaky weird man.
He's not all bad.
Example?
At Lake Skwatcha last week this lady was about to go in for a swim. Mr Bilge threw his overcoat in the lake and said she could step across now, without getting her feet wet.
I suppose his heart was in the right place. What did the woman do?
The lady ran off screaming. He probably forgot he was naked underneath his coat. All painted up like that.

 

by smamurai
12-29-03
This year I be resolutin' to not be so quick in the not using of my brain thereof.
Hey brother, You been usin' my new memory card aintcha?
But you are blind. Did Santa give you working eyes for Christmas? How did you know?
It's heavier. There must be about 4 pounds of Zelda in there.
You did remember to remove the console from the card before picking it up didn't you?

 

by smamurai
12-29-03
I am giving up procrastinating.
You said that last year.
I am going to continue blackening the lungs of the weak minded.
He says I'm taking up smoking. I don't think I have a problem with that.
This year I am going teach the men of my country that women cannot resist the sexual allure of our national dress.
Them Qatar turbans won't penetrate ladies-thongs by themselves.

 

by smamurai
12-29-03
New years Resoloutions .... ......
I am going to get laid.
Sounds like, I'm gettin' paid.
..... ........ .......
I'm gettin' whacked or made.
I'll probably get spayed.
...... ........ ...... .......
I will hunt and terminate Randy Quaid
I'm just gonna piss people off left, right and centre.

 

by smamurai
12-30-03
So Andy, have you got any resolutions for next year?
I'm going cold-turkey on the wife-beating.
So all those times that Flo fell down the stairs or walked into a door.....
Yep, that was me.
I could never bring myself to lay a hand on my own wife.
How about I do it for ya? You can do mine, that way we both win.

 

by smamurai
1-05-04

 

by smamurai
1-05-04

 

by smamurai
1-05-04
Oh, I feel all bunged up. I am just not my light and airy self today.
Do you have something you need to get off your lower chest? Have a lot of shit to deal with? Try new improved fast-acting Colon-Slick Tablets.
La-la-la-la ta-da-dee-dum-dee, ohhhh yeah!!
Hey girl, you ready to go? Wow you look as if you could take the world on today.
I feel like I could. That's because I just took a massive 5 Kilo shit. Thanx Colon-Slick, It's so fast I never even had time to get out the shower.

 

by smamurai
1-06-04
So the headlines once again. 3 British were deported from Ibiza, hat prices are up and 40,000 foreign people died in a natural disaster.
On a lighter note Mann bites dog. Famous guy Manfred Mann chowed down on his pet canine today, after it ran off with his flute. Ha ha ha.
And now for todays political comment with our resident ex-porn star, Sturdy McMare. Sturdy, have you ever bitten a dog?
No Jenny, not with my technique, although I did once get a camel foreskin caught in my braces.

 

by smamurai
1-06-04
It seems those crazy Japanese are at it again. The latest craze to sweep the Land of the Rising Sun is sex pheromones
'It's big business' says our Japanican correspondent. In fact most pheremone vending machines are sold-out leading to fears of a shortage.
And here with the weather is our resident weather-girl, ex-porn star Sturdy McMare. Sturdy have you ever though about selling your pheromones?
Whats under my fingernails stays under my fingernails Jenny.

 

by smamurai
1-06-04
And so the boffins concluded that seagulls actually benefit from bathing in crude oil. It seems they love the stuff.
That's all from Channel 3 news, I am Jenny Vapid, good night and God bless.
Sturdy I want you to shuffle these papers for me and I think I might have spilled a packet of Cheetos under the desk, clear that up will you.
Tell the producer I am ready to sleep with him now.

 

by smamurai
1-06-04

 

by smamurai
1-06-04

 

by smamurai
1-07-04

 

by smamurai
1-07-04

 

by smamurai
1-07-04
Dude! We gotta get outta here. This bar is for old people.
We're the only ones here and we're young.
The machine in the toilet dispenses tartan blankets!
Let's finish our scones and get outta here.

 

by smamurai
1-13-04
Now son, I am going to tell you something that should help you on life's journey.
What is it?
Be rich and successful in all that you do.
But how do I become rich and successful dad?
By being great.
Oh, yeah. I should have known that.

 

by smamurai
1-13-04
Son, your school rang. They tell me you are being bullied, is this true?
Only a little bit, I guess.
What's going on son? I bet you are not even trying to not get bullied are you?
I don't actively seek it out Dad, if that's what you mean.
You have to concentrate on being super-cool son. Super-cool people never get bullied. Can you do that for me?
I....I...I'll try Dad.

 

by smamurai
1-13-04
One of the best things about life is having a great time. You enjoy having a great time don't you?
Sure, great times are good.
It's fun to have fun. You need to be more pro-active, try having a great time right now.
What...right now?
Yes. Is it happening yet?
Yes, I think it might be but, perhaps I need to try harder Dad.

 

by smamurai
1-13-04
A stitch in time save nine son.
Yes.
Ha ha.
What the heck are you talking about?
Yes son, I was trying to trick you. Knitting and suchlike is the domain of the woman.
And that's why you burned the desk-tidy I made for you in needle-work.

 

by smamurai
1-13-04
What can I get you sir?
I’ve got very special dietary requirements and i'm not really sure if I can eat here
Well we do try to have something on the menu for everyone, and our chef can make up absolutely anything you could want.
Well in that case maybe I will have something.
Just ask, if you like it I can make you up a doggy bag to go.
Actually a doggy bag sounds delicious. I will take two of your dog scrotums, one with extra testicles and hold the mayo.

 

by smamurai
1-14-04
Meanwhile...
24 hours need I says I. You be giving them to me . Remember Nam old buddy.
I remember you shot me. Ok you got 24hours to bring in the fish or the D.A will take your badge, says one.
Lilly-livered desk-jockey. Your only my superior because of my self-destructive tendancy to be a dangerous loose cannon says I.
No, it's because you are illiterate. You only joined the force 2 hours ago, your record is so far, excellent.
Aaaaargh, take this says I.
You know spitting on my lunch doesn't make you a loose-cannon. Now take the Ferarri and fuck off says you, sorry I meant, says I.

 

by smamurai
1-21-04
Check mate, I think.
Clever girls!
Indubitably sir.

 

by smamurai
1-26-04
Singed Beaver and Crazy Beaver talk shop at the cactus with a tap in it.
Hey, how it um hanging?
Busy day at um office
Tell me about it, I got the Chief Bear-Paw contract today, he wants 90 teepees designed by tomorrow.
Dude that um sucks. How you gonna handle that one?
I was thinking I'll make them all trangular shaped using traditional materials.
Genius. You'll blow him away.

 

by smamurai
1-26-04
Hey dude, remember that time you designed the old Indian burial ground?
Oh yeah, quite um lucrative contract.
I just looked over the file. Did you realise you built it on the site of an old Indian burial ground?
Yup.
Wanna get some um lunch?
For real.

 

by smamurai
2-09-04
What gives you the right to call me a self obsessed wanker?
The mirrors on your shoes.
I think you will find, they are just highly polished.
Maybe.
But how do you explain the midget with the cam-corder.

 

by smamurai
2-13-04
That's cool, I have some batteries.
No, not that type of aids.
Wanna smell my hand?
DUDE!!? That's my sister.
Honey you were right. That woman is a really cheap whore.

 

by smamurai
2-19-04
Zak Flours is a well respected member of the Parent/Teacher Association.
How can I help?
You have to listem to me very carefully. My name is Zak Flours, I work for the PTA. Do you see that girl over there?
Zak doesn't know it yet, but he is about to have a very, bad, day.
Yes.
That's my daughter. I want you to make for her a McToasted McMuffin and a small coffee.
Sorry sir but we only sell newspapers and cigarettes here, you might want to try the McDonalds across the road.
My childs hunger is dependant on this. I don't care what strings you have to pull, just get her the McMuffin.

 

by smamurai
2-19-04
09:00 hours
I need you to take my daughter to school today.
We can't do that Zak, I'm sorry but, I can't say any more than that.
Damn it Paul, who is blocking me on this. Is it anyone from the PTA?
No Zak, it's my wife. She said your kid put gum on the backseat last time she car-pooled with us.
I'll have to take her myself. But if we crash I am holding you personally responsible.
That doesn't seem fair somehow.

 

by smamurai
2-19-04
1000 hours. Zak is on the phone.
Hello Mr. President?
I am here Zak, but please call me Bert.
I just thought I should warn you sir. People have been dicking with me today, and if they can get to me they can get to you.
But why should anyone want to get to me?
You are the president of the Parent/Teachers Association.
I am also chairman of the local tennis club and my wife does a lot of work for charity. But I don't like to talk about that.

 

by smamurai
2-24-04
Is this a burlap sack I see before me?
Yes...yes it is. No doubt I am H20 bound. I cannot help but laugh for you see, when the fool gets home..
..he will realise he has mistaken me for his own similar looking cat. Ha ha! It's not my petrol he is wasting.

 

by smamurai
3-15-04
Son, could you come here for a minute?
I wonder what he wants..
Son, your getting older now, its about time we had a heart to heart. Is there anything on your mind?
Yes dad...where do babies come from?
Need any further clarification??
Define poontang, pork-sword and fishermans pie please.

 

by smamurai
3-15-04
Son, could you come here for a minute?
I wonder what he wants..
Son, your getting older now, its about time we had a heart to heart. Is there anything on your mind?
Yes dad...where do babies come from?
Lose the erection first and I'll tell you.

 

by smamurai
3-15-04
Son, could you come here for a minute?
I wonder what he wants..
Son, your getting older now and its about time we had a heart to heart. Is there anything on your mind?
Yes dad...where do babies come from?
Now go wash your hands.
ewwwww !

Showing page 2.

« Previous Next »