All comics by squidrabies

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by squidrabies
10-22-02
UH-OH, I MADE A STINKER!
Wow, farting is really funny!
Ha ha ha I know!
I mean, not only does your filthy asshole make a silly noise, I also get to inhale putrid smelling air that used to be INSIDE your filthy asshole! What fun!
Hmm, I'm picking up on a 'farting is actually not funny' vibe.
No really, it would be even better if you could just take a shit directly into my lungs! Cut me open, funny man!

 

by squidrabies
12-17-02
Let's sing Christmas carols.
I don't know any.
Me neither.
Let's sing Hammer Time, but say Santa instead of Hammer.
Can't touch this.

 

by squidrabies
12-17-02
I'm going to see Rick Springfield on Friday night.
Who's that?
You know, he sang Jessie's Girl, had a couple of hits in the 80's.
Oh cool. How much is the cover charge?
It's not a concert. He works at Dairy Queen, I'm going to order a shake and throw it at him.
Rock.

 

by squidrabies
12-23-02
Do you remember that 80's cartoon, The Snorks?
Yeah, that was a good show.
I just realized it was more a ripoff of Archie comics than the Smurfs. There was a popular guy, two chicks, a rich rival kid and an idiot.
What about Tooter and Occy?
Tooter was sort of their spiritual guide. Occy was Allstar's dog, Archie also had a dog. A mutt with no name.
Okay, but I still don't see what this has to do with the Kennedy assassination.

 

by squidrabies
12-24-02
Merry Christmas, Melty!
Shut your filthy mouth. I don't celebrate your 'christian' holiday. It's insensitive of you to assume I observe the same holidays as you.
Sounds like someone needs a little Christmas cheer.
ARGH! MY RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION KNOWS NO BOUNDS!

 

by squidrabies
12-24-02
Do you think puppies go to Heaven when they die? Or do you think they have their own 'Puppy Heaven' that's only for puppies?
Theologians have been losing sleep over that question for centuries.
I think puppies join us in our Heaven, because it wouldn't be paradise without puppies.
What about bad puppies?
They serve in Hell as Satan's undead army of puppy storm troopers.

 

by squidrabies
12-24-02
Do you think Francis Bacon wrote some of Shakespeare's plays?
The guy from Footloose?
No, William Shakespeare.
Oh. Who was the guy in Footloose?
Francis Bacon.
I don't know if he can write, but boy can he dance!

 

by squidrabies
12-24-02
Jesus died on the cross for our sins.
He sure did.
That was pretty dumb.
Rookie mistake.

 

by squidrabies
12-25-02
My girlfriend and I have been discussing having kids... and I think I'm finally ready.
It's a huge step in your relationship and in life, are you sure it's what you want?
All I know is I'm sick of doing my own dishes.
Yeah, they don't clean themselves.

 

by squidrabies
2-03-03
I lost my internet connection for a month. It sucked.
What did you do with all your free time?
Well, I went out a lot more, to bars and stuff.
Cool.
And anytime anyone talked to me, I said 'stfu faggot lol'.
pwnz0r3d.

 

by squidrabies
2-10-03
Why are the girls I like so inaccessible?
I know the feeling.
There's so much security in the junior high schools nowadays.
It's not even fair.

 

by squidrabies
2-13-03
Hello.
Can't talk right now. I'm attempting to destroy the universe by disbelieving everything.
Any luck?

 

by squidrabies
2-18-03
I have to pee so bad I can taste it.
Can I taste it?
I don't see why not.
I'll go find a clean glass.

 

by squidrabies
2-28-03
Do you believe in God?
I believe in the belief of God. I believe that the idea of a God existing exists.
So... do you believe in God or not?
I believe in the possibility that a God or Gods may have the potential to, in some sense, exist, if not in this reality, in a person's mind or possibly another dimension.
Is that a maybe?
I've made myself clear.

 

by squidrabies
2-28-03
Scientists theorize that what you think of as empty space in our universe is actually composed of dark matter.
What's dark matter?
Empty space.
Mind boggling.

 

by squidrabies
2-28-03
It's times like these that I wish I could kick myself in the nuts.
Amen.

 

by squidrabies
2-28-03
Why do you keep staring at me?
You have a funny head!
That's not a very nice thing to say.
Is that spaghetti you're eating?
I'm not eating any... Oh, I just got that. Good one.
BURN!

 

by squidrabies
2-28-03
Midgets prefer to be called 'little people'. I don't think that's right.
Me neither.
They're not people.
They're elves or something.

 

by squidrabies
3-27-03
What is Asimov's first rule of robotics?
Destroy all bags of flesh.
Huh?
Deploy all flags of mesh.
Flags of mesh?
Do us both a favor and let it go.

 

by squidrabies
11-23-03
Welcome to Monkey Burger, home of the Monkey Burger. May I take your order?
I'd like a McCheese with extra Super Sauce.
Okay. For one thing, this isn't McDonald's.
Okay.
Also, there's no such thing as a McCheese or Super Sauce.
I was making a suggestion.

 

by squidrabies
11-23-03
Do you think we'll ever discover real evidence of intelligent life on other planets?
Me too.
Eat shit.

 

by squidrabies
7-24-04
Old MacDonald had a farm. E I E I O.
What did he have on his farm?
I'm getting to it. Jesus christ, have some patience.
I'm sorry, I got really caught up in the story.
Fuck it, he had a duck. Who cares?
Quack. That's what ducks say.

 

by squidrabies
7-25-04
What do you find most rewarding about teaching 6th grade english?
The sex. Definately the sex.
I'm sorry... did you just say "the sex"?
S-E-X. That's how you spell it. I've been a teacher for 40 years. So I know how to spell sex. I know how to do it too. Want a quick lesson?
I need something to vomit in. And possibly a clean spot to lay down and die.
That's natural. You'll feel better afterwards when you see the shiny gold star I put in your progress report.

 

by squidrabies
4-27-05
GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY! Part 1
Morning. New on the continent?
Yes. How are you today, peacful indigenous tribesperson?
Oh, fine, fine. Make yourself at home. Mi continent es su continent.
You got that right. Can I interest you in some smallpox or enslavement?
Sounds great. Here, have a cup of dysentery while I watch your friends gang rape my twelve year old daughter.
Yeah, whatever. I'm gonna go play in that huge pile of gold over there.

 

by squidrabies
4-29-05
GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY! Part 2
Do you believe in God?
Yeah, but not the one you believe in.
Oh.
Mmhmm.
THE STREETS SHALL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF YOUR HEATHEN BABIES!!!
I have a T-shirt that says that.

 

by squidrabies
4-30-05
GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY! Part 3
Hi. Nice gun.
Thanks. I'm going to kill you and your family with it.
You don't say. What for?
Oh, the usual. I'm fuzzy, you're green. Clearly you're inferior.
Hahaha, good one. Seriously, though.
Whatever, man. Dick size, dance moves. The great thing about ethnic cleansing is you can just make it up as you go.

 

by squidrabies
4-30-05
GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY! Part 4
Okay, so what proof do I have that God exists and I'll have an afterlife of eternal happiness?
Oh, haha. Well, none. No proof at all. Just have faith. And do everything I say without question.
Huh. Soooooo... I stunt my emotional growth and refrain from learning through experience and gaining the wisdom to choose what kind of person I want to be. Why?
Simple. Fear and guilt.
Yeah... You know that's completely insane, right?
I tell you what... the next time you're nailed to a cross, you can make up the rules.

 

by squidrabies
4-30-05
Meat is murder.
I totally agree. I'm vegan.
Fur is murder.
I'd rather go naked than wear animal skins.
Firebombing abortion clinics during business hours is our sworn duty as Earth-loving peace troopers.
Captain Planet will destroy all lumberjacks! Recycle or die!

 

by squidrabies
5-01-05
E.S.P. test. Testing. Are you getting this psychic message?
Need to... concentrate... mustering all of my latent psychic abilities. Can you hear my thoughts?
Ah, fuck me.
Whoa, I just got a huge boner.

 

by squidrabies
5-02-05
What's up, Mister The Snowman?
Do you know why I kept you after class?
Nope.
I had you and your classmates draw a picture of what you want to be when you grow up. You drew yourself holding a gun, wearing camoflage.
Yeah, I want to join the army so I can protect my country.
Good job getting yourself expelled, psycho. I drugged your milk to quell the insane murderous rage until security can get you in restraints. I'll have your transcripts sent to Columbine.

 

by squidrabies
5-07-05
So I read something of topical interest in a local publication recently.
You don't say.
I then considered the irony of the subject and explored the possibility of a humorous response.
I'm with you so far.
And... ZING!
I don't get it.

 

by squidrabies
5-07-05
...and that's when I said, "No, I was quoting Nietzsche!" Hahaha! Well, enough about me. Let's talk about you.
Okay, what do you want to know?
When you first escaped your mother's womb, did the doctor try to stomp the life out of you before you could draw your first breath?
I'm a snowman.

 

by squidrabies
5-07-05
Welcome to Skeletron's Dungeon, I am your dungeonmaster.
Rock.
You begin your quest in a long hallway. Torches flicker in iron sconces along the walls. A cracked wooden sign before you reads, "Beware, thar be kobolds".
Sconces?
Roll the 20-sided die against your wisdom to determine whether or not you know what a sconce is.
This game is hard.

 

by squidrabies
6-15-05
SURPRISE!
GAH!!
Happy birthday, bitch. I got you a present because I felt obligated to.
Wow, that's so sweet. I don't know what to say. This is the best birthday ever!
Yeah sure, just bend over and tell me if it fits.
I hope it's a ninja suit!

 

by squidrabies
7-24-05
What do we want?!
Peace!
When do we want it?!
Now!
Wait, I'm busy now. Nevermind.

 

by squidrabies
7-25-05
I'm thinking of a number between one and ten.
A number between one and ten.
Okay, I'm done.
You beat your record!

 

by squidrabies
7-25-05
If you were stranded on a desert island and you could only have three things with you, what would you choose?
Shut, the and fuckup.
Yeah, but seriously.
A flare gun, a helicopter and a teleporter.
You're missing the point...
A bobsled, John Stamos and Lyme disease.

 

by squidrabies
7-25-05
Do you think being gay is genetic, or a sinful lifestyle choice?
I've given much thought to this subject. On the one hand, who would choose to be gay in this hateful, intolerant society?
Not me.
On the other hand, I like sticking my dick in stuff.
And science marches on.

 

by squidrabies
8-01-05
I guess you're wondering why I gathered you all here.
I'd like to call your attention to "Exhibit A", the spent, unflushed log floating in "Exhibit B", the toilet.
I happen to have indisputable evidence that someone in this very room is responsible for this heinous act.
Do you have to do this every time you take a shit? Seriously.

 

by squidrabies
8-06-05
Hi Melty! What do you want to do today?
Not talk to you. Ever. Not ever.
Haha, good one.
Yeah. It would be a good one. If you'd shut your face. It would be really good. No, it would be great. If your mouth could never make anymore sounds. And then I wish you'd die. Silently.
You're funny!
If that's not silent death noise, we have a problem.

 

by squidrabies
8-08-05
I don't love you anymore, Princess Twinkies.
Argh!
But I still love you.
Can we be friends?
Stop pressuring me! I'm vulnerable and conflicted. I'm willing to have a relationship with you, but only when I feel like it. At all other times, we're just good friends. Except not really.
I'll have to check with my lawyer, but I think I have some wiggle room there.

 

by squidrabies
8-12-05
Mission control, do you read me. Come in, mission control, over.
Mission control, I'm being attacked by hostile aliens. Please advise, over.
You know, mission control, we're going to be here together for a few years so you might as well play along. Over.
This is mission control. Leave me alone or I'll stab you. Over.

 

Sir, have you witnessed any looting?
According to the rules of Thunderdome, you belong to me now!
by squidrabies, 9-09-05

 

by squidrabies
9-09-05
Sir, why did you shoot that rescue helicopter down?
Cuz my fambly needs a'rescuing.
So, is the burning wreckage going to rescue you now? Maybe the charred remains of the pilot?
I was trying to get their attention.
How is it that none of you people managed to loot a flare gun?
Are you here to rescue me? Hang on, I need to reload.

 

by squidrabies
9-09-05
Why didn't you evacuate New Orleans like you were ordered?
I had family that couldn't evacuate. I stayed to help and they all died.
Smooth move, dumbass. Okay, so what's your excuse?
When I recieved my welfare check, they forgot to include the "move your impoverished family out of state or you'll probably die" check.
Yeah, it's always everyone else's fault. How about you, genius?
I like to play in the rain!

 

by squidrabies
9-10-05
Welcome to the health and human services commission. Thanks for waiting 6 hours, can I help you?
I love America! Land of the thing, home of the other thing!
Riiiight...
Even though I work full-time at slightly above minimum wage, I'm poor and sick. Can I have some food and go to the doctor?
Sure, just fill out these thirty pages of intrusive questions, show me three forms of photo identification, your birth certificate, wait two months and go fuck yourself.
There's only a 15 day waiting period to buy a gun.

 

by squidrabies
9-12-05
Welcome to Monkey Burger, home of the Monkey Burger. How may I help you?
For one thing, you can wipe that smug look off your face before I stomp a hole in your ass.
I already have a hole in my ass, sir.
Super size it.

 

by squidrabies
9-14-05
I just thought of something funny...
BLORT!
Oops.

 

by squidrabies
9-14-05
It's like a test of faith, see?
Go on now.. Into the ground with you.
Asshole.

 

by squidrabies
9-14-05
Hi, I'm here to audition for "cow"?
Okay, what we're going for here is dumb and full of milk. But edgy, you know? Go ahead, dazzle me.
Ahem.
Moop.
Next!

Showing page 2.

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