All comics by trapjaw

 

by trapjaw
7-21-05
Hey dude, you look bummed out. What's up?
People man, people. It all started when saw this ad for "Rock Star: INXS" on TV.
Oh, that shit? Yeah, that's super-lame, but who cares? INXS sucked anyway. Those guys were a mix of butt rock, wuss-rock, pop and well, just shite.
But that's not the point dude. It got me thinking about everything, and, holy shit, the world is a fucked up place. We could all bring about real change, but no-one lifts a goddam finger.
You're right! Fuck all this pop, fashion, trendy, glossy bullshit! Fuck consumerism! Let's go and and riot!
Nah...that's too much work. Let's just get hammered.

 

by trapjaw
7-24-05
Yo Spanky, you wanna make a few million bucks with me?
Yeah, why not. How?
We're gonna make you a hip-hop star. It's so easy, you just need some FUBU gear, gold teeth, a computer sampling/beat program and no talent.
Sweet dude. I'm in. What should I call myself?
Hmmm.. gotta be something that oozes street cred... Thugga Bob? Pimp Daddy Fat Joint?
Shorten the latter to "da PDFJ" and we have a winner, my friend...

 

by trapjaw
7-24-05
Ok man, so we gotta write us some tunes if we're gonna get "da PDFJ" off the ground.
Already taken care of.
Yeah?
Yeah bro. I've already made an album, you just have to rap it seeing as I, as a honky, have no cred in that department.
Word, word..
Hey, that's the chorus to my song "pimpz in da ghetto"! You must be psychic dude...

 

by trapjaw
7-24-05
Ok, so, we've got our first hit, "pimpz in da ghetto", done, recorded, mastered.
Easiest three and half minutes of my life.
Now we gotta make a music video. All we need is some flashy cars, lotsa "bling", some chicks with bouncy tits and asses.
I can get my uncle's superbike, and my sister and her friends could bounce around, and we could borrow some souped up BMWs from the Asian gang dudes.
Ooh, and you gotta go on a srtrict diet of steroids only and pump gym 7 hours a day for the next 2 weeks.
For 10 million bucks, why not?

 

by trapjaw
7-24-05
Ok, so, we've got our first hit, "pimpz in da ghetto", done, recorded, mastered.
Easiest three and half minutes of my life.
Now we gotta make a music video. All we need is some flashy cars, lotsa "bling", some chicks with bouncy tits and asses.
I can get my uncle's superbike, and my sister and her friends could bounce around, and we could borrow some souped up BMWs from the Asian gang dudes.
Ooh, and you gotta go on a srtrict diet of steroids only and pump gym 7 hours a day for the next 2 weeks.
For 10 million bucks, why not?

 

by trapjaw
7-24-05
Hey Mopman, how goes it?
Not too bad brother, not too bad. Say, I heard you're the latest hip-hop sensation. "Pimpz in da ghetto" is a big hit with the plebian masses.
Yeah, I never realised that it was so easy to make it big. I need some street cred though. I gotta get arrested.
Hmm, OK, you don't actually wanna kill anyone though, right? Hows about holding up a convenience store?
I like the way you think, my friend...
I'll go and get some realistic looking BB guns..

 

by trapjaw
7-24-05
And in showbiz news, the latest hip hop sensation, "Da PDBJ" was arrested after trying to hold up a convenience store with a BB gun.
This appears to have done wonders for his "street cred", with Ja Rule supporting him and bailing him out.
Hoever, rival rapper 50 cent, who has lost most of his market to PDBJ, says that he's gonna "cap dat mofo PDBJ an' holla at his bitch in da hood", whatever the hell that means.

 

by trapjaw
7-24-05
The next day...
...And in celebrity gossip, the rapper da PDBJ's manager, Pit McTaggart, was gunned down in a drive-by shooting. Police suspect 50 Cent is involved.
Somewhere on a different plane of existence...
What!? What the fuck?! Where am I...darkness, everywhere.. the last thing I remember is being shot, then, blood, pain, darkness.....
Something appears from the darkness...
Muhahahaha... Welcome to HELL, mortal!
This situation could be classified as "being in a bit of a pickle"...

 

by trapjaw
7-25-05
Pit discovers that after he was 'capped in a drive-by, his soul has been sent to hell...
So, I'm really in hell huh. And if everything I've heard about this place is true, I'm here for, uh, eternity, right?
Yes, mortal.. muhahahahahaha!
Um, can I ask why I was sent here? Aside from shoplifting once when I was 12, and ordering a mail-order bride for my neighbour as a joke, I've never done anything really, um, evil...
Two words, mortal. Hip hop.
Is that two words or is it one word hyphenated?

 

by trapjaw
7-25-05
You were sent here because you contributed to the musical abomination which is hip hop.
But I just wanted to make a quick buck! Come on!
Hip hop was once an art form for the oppressed youth of an underclass to express their pent-up rage, to proclaim the harsh realities of life in crime-ridden ghettoes.
Yeah, used to express frustration and anger at an unbreakable cycle of poverty and corruption.But it was quickly twisted by MTV and morphed into the lame, repetitive, generic shit it has become today.
Yes... So you're not a complete ignoramus then, mortal?
Well, not unless you choose to remember the occasion when I tried to get high by inhaling pesticide. Hehe now that was an interesting trip to ER...

 

by trapjaw
7-25-05
Anyway, you used your talentlessness to exploit the masses into buying the trash you put out on your album "holla at y'all phat-ass booty pimpz". So you're here for punishment.
Come on, is that as bad as, say, killing someone and eating their brain?
Actually, yeah, pretty much.
Shit, I never would have thought...
Come on, you don't think God wants to hurl when he sees a hip hop music video? Jeez, he hates that shit more than anyone! And Satan, being the god of 'metal, also despises that trash.
I'm pretty fucked, aren't I...

 

by trapjaw
7-25-05
Yes mortal, you're in for a HELL of a time! Muhahahaha!
Shit... I guess I'm gonna be here a while, so I might as well make small talk. So, if God hates hip-hop, what kind of music does He like?
He's quite into classical on His quieter days, and well into jazz when He's feeling bouncy.
I see. And Satan, of course, is into heavy metal and shit, right?
Yeah, mostly the older stuff like 'Sabbath and Iron Maiden.
Hmmm...So that means, both of 'em are anti-pop, right? Hahaha, if I can see Justin Timberlake burn in hell, I really won't mind spending eternity here!

 

by trapjaw
7-26-05
Awesome! So all pop stars are gonna fry for eternity!
That's right, mortal. Hmm, you actually seem like a pretty cool dude. You wanna see the torture rooms we've prepared for Justin Timberlake?
Hell yeah!
Right this way...
There's some nasty-looking shit in that cage...particularly the intestine unraveller...
We're gonna have quite a time when Mr. Timberlake gets here. Wanna see the collection of sharp objects we're gonna shove up Enrique Eglasias's arse?

 

by trapjaw
8-16-05
Pit's tour of Hell continues..
I think you'll want to see our "ironic punishment" division. We got the idea after seeing that episode of "The Simpsons" where Homer gets sent to Hell and has to eat all the donuts in the world.
Sounds cool. What you got?
Well, we have rooms for a variety of offenders. Well, there's the room where alcoholics are fed booze until their kidneys explode.. on a daily basis.
That sounds pretty damn painful.
Well, not as bad as Colonel Saunders, who is being eaten alive by one billion chickens as we speak.
I bet he's regretting that "secret recipe" now...

 

by trapjaw
8-16-05
So, would you like to meet the big guy himself? I think he has a gap between appointments coming up in a few minutes, so he might be able to squeeze you in.
Beelzebub? Lucifer? The Prince of Darkness? Yeah, why not.
Follow me, mortal.
Lead the way, dude.
A few minutes later, Pit is introduced to the Devil.
Bob Saget!? YOU'RE the DEVIL??
Hey, how ya doing, big guy! So nice to see you down here! Hehe, you must admit, being a washed out 80's sitcom star is a great way to walk the earth unnoticed.

 

by trapjaw
8-16-05
So what can I do ya for?
Um, well, as, er, nice as it is down here, is there any possibility of cutting a deal to get out?
Well, there are a few technicalities that may prove obstructive, but I may be able to work something out. However, I will need a human soul as compensation, if I agree to release you.
I think I can do that, if you let me go back to the realm of the living for a few moments...
A few moments later...
Hey dude, you smell kinda like fire and brimstone. Have you been burning tyres in that back alley again?
Er, not exactly... Saaaay, could you just sign your name in blood on this ethereal contract quickly?

 

by trapjaw
8-16-05
I don't know what you're up to, but there's no fucking way I'm signing my name in blood on any ethereal contract.
Oh come on, it just says that your soul will spend all eternity in torment in Hell after you die. That's like, not for another 60 years if you're lucky.
Tempting...but, NO.
Where the hell am I gonna find someone dumb enough to sign away their soul for eternity?
Yo yo, right mates! Robbie Williams here, let's swing while we're winning!
Eeeeexcellent...

 

by trapjaw
8-21-05
Hey dude, you look upset.. what's up?
Well, Robbie Williams was dumb enough to exchange his soul for a chocolate twinkie, but Satan nullified it on the grounds that he already owns that particular soul. I gotta find another.
So you gotta find another soul?
Yeah, goddamit! I've only got 24 hours before I'm consigned to an eternity of agony and torture!
I'm sure something will come up. If you go back to hell for good, could you, like, come and possess my body and give me superhuman powers or something?

 

by trapjaw
8-21-05
Maybe I can find some solution to this problem on the internet...Hey, was that the doorbell?
Hi, I'm here to conduct a survey on the psycho-sociological profiles of the middle-class caucasian males in relation to the displcement of masculine identity in the context of postmodernity.
What!? I mean, eh? What the hell are you going on about? Besides, you're only like 17 or 18, and that sounds pretty advanced for a kid. I don't have time for this.
Yes, I am only 17, but this is research for my PhD dissertation. You see, I'm a certified genius, a child prodigy. I completed high school at the age of 9, and this will be my third doctorate degree.
Oh really? That's quite amazing.. tell me more...

 

by trapjaw
8-21-05
I'm also busy working on a novel, which is a follow up to my critically acclaimed first work, which I published at the age of 15.
So with all that studying, I guess you don't have time for the girls, huh?
Actually, my girlfriend is a Swedish supermodel. I'm fluent in 17 languages. Thanks to my extensive study of the Kama Sutra, she tells all her supermodel friends that I'm the best shag she's ever had.
Hahaha...Well, you're quite the perfect little fella, aren't you?
I'm no "little fella", pal. Under this sweater are pecs and biceps of steel, and a rippling six pack. I can bench 200kg. And I'm hung like a donkey.
Well, alrighty then...

 

by trapjaw
8-21-05
In case you were curious, I also play 7 different musical instruments, and I have black belts in 9 different martial arts. I'm also one of the top Supercross riders in the country.
Is there anything that you're not fucking perfect at? Jeez!
No.
Oh yeah?! Well, I bet you're trying to bullshit me, and you're actually just a pussy!
What did you call me, man? I can whoop your ass in 9 different styles in under 3 seconds, motherfucker.
Oh yeah, well I bet you're too much of a PUSSY to write your name in blood, in all those lanuages you know, on this little piece of paper!

 

by trapjaw
8-21-05
Later that day...
Hey bro, you look strangely satisfied...aren't you supposed to be in Hell right now?
Haha, no, I solved that problem. I tricked some kid genius wonderboy motherfucker into signing away his soul for eternity.
How'd you manage that? I mean, the guy was a genius, right?
You just gotta know how to provoke people, you dumb afro-poof douchebag.
What did you say, you son of a bitch!?
See? It's just too easy, man...

 

by trapjaw
8-22-05
Hey man! What the hell are you doing here? This is where you were gunned down in that drive-by! I thought you were dead!
Haha, well, it's a long story, but I'm cool now. How's the hip hop thing going?
Well, you know how it goes man, big star the one minute, next minute no-one even knows your name anymore and the only place to find your album is at the bottom of the $1 bargain bin.
Well, what happened to all the cash we made from that album?
I put it all into a business that sells a new product which detects piss in public swimming pools. Unfortunately the business went bankrupt in 2 days, so now we're flat broke.
You used it ALL on a business which DETECTS PISS IN FUCKING SWIMMING POOLS??!!

 

by trapjaw
8-22-05
Man-boy returns after a long and mysterious absence...
Hey man! Where have you been? We haven't seen you for ages! And why did you want to meet me here?
I've been hiding out... and this is the only safe place to meet. I can't talk for long, but something big has come up...
What? What's going on here man?
The only thing I can tell you is that it involves aliens, nuclear weapons, a secret supply of rancid mayonnaise and that guy who played Wayne Arnold in "the wonder years".
Sounds like some pretty serious shit, man.
Well, seeing as I've already told you too much don't be too surprised if some ninjas come around to your place a bit later and try to kill you. Later man.

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