All comics by ivytheplant

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by ivytheplant
4-20-05
Look, this is my lunch. What makes you think you're going to get any special treat?
*Stares with a wide-eyed, hopeful innocence so pure, it makes angels cry*
Gotcha.
Damn straight.

 

by ivytheplant
4-20-05
This morning...
I'm thinking of applying for the management training program, boss.
Right this way.
Later...
So I applied to be in the management training program at Wal-Mart.
AAAIIIEEE!!
Hm...

 

by ivytheplant
4-23-05
Lust...
Do you have a cat?
Three, actually.
That's too bad.
[/lust]

 

by ivytheplant
4-25-05
1. There's a thin line between "sensitive guys" and "whiny guys." Don't cross it!
*whine whine bitch moan my ex whine whine everyone's against me whine whine I'm so depressed...
Baggage...too...Heavy! Can't...break...free!
2. I love cats. I refuse to live without them. Species does not guarantee seniority.
Either the cats go or--
Your bags are already packed.
3. "Chick flicks" are not suitable date movies. The more explosions, the more I'll put out.
I got "Sad Feminist Finds Love And Acceptance In Some Charming Mediterranean Town."
Either remove that thing from my sight or you'll never get laid again.

 

by ivytheplant
4-25-05
4. When giving gifts, remember things you actually see me wearing.
I got you this diamond, 24K gold, heart-shaped necklace.
Is it radioactive gold?
5. I love my alone time. If I want to go on a walk without you, it's not a personal slight. I just like solitude.
Don't you love me?
You're not going to follow me into the bathroom, are you?
6. Seriously, stop hounding me. I just want fifteen fucking minutes alone! What part of "fuck off ya daft git" don't you understand?
Maybe the non-American slang.
Golf club...

 

by ivytheplant
4-25-05
7. Let me have my fantasies.
How can you fantasize about Batman when you have me?
Because you ain't Batman.
8. Mullets are not sexy.
Hey, I--
Shave it off or die where you stand.
9. Neither is poor hygiene.
Why don't you love me for who I am?
I'm not asking you to shower before every meal. The litter box stinks less than you.

 

by ivytheplant
5-03-05
I have never been arrested.
I am so bored.
Yet.
Hey! The Anarchist's Cookbook!

 

Have you seen my scissors?
Nope.
by ivytheplant, 5-03-05

 

There's no way a little bit of mud would mask Dutch's body heat long enough to fool the Predator.
[ominous music]
by ivytheplant, 5-03-05

 

Should I clean the kitchen or curl up on the couch and watch a movie?
I'll poke some buttons on the DVD player.
by ivytheplant, 5-03-05

 

by ivytheplant
5-04-05
Ivy! What the hell did you do to the kitchen?
It's part of a new endeavor. CSI: Laramie.
So where'd you get the body?
Denver. They have extras just lying around.
You did not just say that.
You can be the producer. I need all the funding I can get.

 

Time to go take a shower.
by ivytheplant, 5-08-05

 

I wonder how this thing opens.
by ivytheplant, 5-08-05

 

[blank]
[blank]
by ivytheplant, 5-08-05

 

by ivytheplant
5-09-05
If Zoraida (my coworker) died in a fiery crash tonight, I wouldn't feel a bit of sadness.
In fact, I might even throw a party in celebration.
Does this make me a bad person? Cause I ain't feeling it.
Bad day at work, I take it.

 

by ivytheplant
5-09-05
o/^ "Sunshine and lollipops!" o/^
o/^ "Happy happy joy j--" o/^

 

by ivytheplant
5-09-05
Thanks for coming in on your day off. It really helps since we have a large truck of plants coming.
No problem, boss.
Did you ever figure out who threw away the notes I left for the weekend?
I talked to everyone but Zoraida. No one else ever saw the notes I so laboriously (and beautifully) wrote down from your fabulous dictation.
Wow, setup for the rest of the comics and unabashed flattery all in one.
I try.

 

May I take your order?
Something horribly unhealthy, please. I'm on my lunch break.
by ivytheplant, 5-09-05

 

by ivytheplant
5-09-05
o/^ "We don't get fooled again!" o/^
Where's your strawberries?
Right behind you.
o/^ "Na na na! Rockin' the greenhouse! Yeah!" o/^

 

by ivytheplant
5-09-05
Why are you cutting the plants like that?
Why you always asking me stoopid questions!? Why you always try to be manager? You not my manager! You not my boss! You no one boss!
Um...
If I don't cut dese plants, nobody buy them! Dey not healthy. You tink customer buy them if they not healthy? Would you buy dis? No, you wouldn't!
Rant To Be Continued...
But I...
You say you water plants but dese are all dry! You lie and say you water plants but you don't! You do nothing!

 

by ivytheplant
5-09-05
Note: I never got even that much said. She yelled over everything I said.
Look, I was just asking because those are $10 hanging pothos. They take years to get as big as these are and if you cut all the hanging vines off, then no one will buy them. I was just--
You think tey are healthy? Why you think that? Do they look healthy to you? Would you buy dem looking like dis? No. You wouldn't.
Kind of like a kid sticking their fingers in their ears and going "la la la."
Actually I would, but I certainly wouldn't buy them for $10 after you trimmed off half the plant--
Oh so now you tink you know everyting! I been here five years and plants always sell good so what make you tink you know more than I do? Nothing. You know nothing.
Should I mention that most people agree that the plants carried at our Wal-Mart always look sickly and sparse?
The vines are perfectly healthy. You can always trim the dead leaves off, but the vines are fine.
*strips all the leaves off a vine, only two of which are dead* You mean like dis? Would you buy it like dis? No. You wouldn't. Because it not look healthy!

 

by ivytheplant
5-10-05
She's still interrupting me.
Look, I'm just doing my job. Mel told me to tell you about the water pipes leaking and we can't use them.
You tink you are manager but you not! You leave dese notes for us to do but you have no right to do so. You not my manager!
Wait, so you were the one that threw away our notes?
You have no right to make notes like that. Garrett has no right, Keith has no right, Joe has no right! You not manager!
I doubt she even heard what I said.
I wrote them down, but Mel dictated them. And I must say she is very pissed that someone threw them all away.
I pissed because you always follow me making sure I do my job. You don't need to follow me! You not manager!

 

by ivytheplant
5-10-05
Look, Mel leaves before your shift starts. I just pass along what she tells me to.
You try to push me away from my plants. You try to kick me out of here. You not do dat. I'm in charge of de plants! Not you! You in charge of nothing!
You got me there.
Maybe management need to know about you giving everyone discount. Dat's not approved. You lie and say you can do dis but you can't because you not management!
Wait, you're threatening me? And you're going to falsify the record when, in fact, it was on a single transaction and that would have been management approved for a non-profit event?
You want to do de plants so bad den you can do eet. I not do eet. When Ryan asks why plants not done, I say because you didn't do eet.

 

by ivytheplant
5-10-05
Look, I don't know what's going on with you, but I just asked you about the plants. What's the deal?
Oh, you tink you so smart? You know nothing! Nothing!
You know what? I'm just gonna go back to my job now, since I have chores to do...
You tink I never do anyting!? You come in de morning and it clean! I sweep! I take out trash! Why you say I don't take out trash!?
At this point she just starts babbling in a mixture of Spanish and English.
I wonder where I left my pricing flags.
Oh sure, you run! You run to greenhouse and don't do nothing! You do nothing! I tell Ryan dat you do nothing!

 

Um, boss, I'm gonna need to talk to you. [Begin panic]
You're here at 8am on your day off? It must be serious.
by ivytheplant, 5-10-05

 

by ivytheplant
5-10-05
Before...
*vomit*
During...
By the way, I've been mentoring you to be a manager.
*faint*
After...
*vomit*

 

by ivytheplant
5-20-05
Sigh.

 

by ivytheplant
5-20-05
Jimmy, there's a nice nurse here I want you to meet. Her name is Denise and she likes the outdoors.
Mom!
Oh man, I'd pay to get documentation of this.
Where's a photographer when we need one?
I'll get the camera!

 

by ivytheplant
5-24-05
Well, tomorrow we all leave. We should go out to eat somewhere.
Asian King Buffet?
We've eaten there all week. How about something other than Chinese?
I know! How about the Olive Garden!
Perfect. I was looking for more comic material anyway.
Greasy pasta, here we come!

 

by ivytheplant
6-13-05
You haven't made a comic in ages. What gives?
Well, I wasn't really feeling that there was anything in my life that was funny.
But you've told me lots of stories about work and daily things that would work very well in a comic.
But most of it involves the realization that my life is pathetic and currently going nowhere.
And that's not funny?
I hate you.

 

by ivytheplant
6-13-05
My first word was "cowboy."
Mine was "puppy."
But I was pointing at some cows.
So, did you need help or something?

 

by ivytheplant
6-14-05
Holy crap! Where'd the couch go?
I took it to the dump. I felt it was time for it to go.
Where are you gonna sit when you watch late night movies?
On the floor until I can get a new one. No biggie. Besides, we have more floor space now.
So, what did the cats think about this idea? They loved that couch.
I told them you did it. Later!

 

by ivytheplant
6-14-05
Ready for work, I see.
Yup, another day, another $58.40 (before taxes).
Have fun in the world of corporate retail.
Just make sure the computer is free when I get home.
Planning another Vice City marathon?
Virtual violence against my supervisors beats the jail time of doing it for real. Later!

 

by ivytheplant
6-14-05
I'm HOOOOOOME!
Holy crap, what happened to you?
I was pricing pots in an isle and this hot woman bent over. Then her pants went down and her thong went up.
I'm not seeing the problem.
Then I walked down another isle and the same thing happened, but with a 400 pound elderly man.
"We have a full moon rising in isle five!"

 

by ivytheplant
6-14-05
Maybe everyone just likes showing you their ass.
You'd think the universe would have let it go after the second time, but noooo. It just HAD to throw some more torture in!
Was it a hot chick?
Remember that episode of the Simpsons where Homer went to clown school and his pants came off riding the bike? That's what I just saw down the street as I was pulling into the garage.
And to think you still have two more hours of work left...
I think I'm permanently blinded.

 

by ivytheplant
6-14-05
Man, he's cute. A little young for me, but he likes the same things I do, likes playing video games like I do, and is funny and intelligent. I think I'll ask him out.
Lesbian.
GODDAMNIT!!
Moh.
Lesbian.

 

by ivytheplant
6-24-05
*hums happily*
You're in a good mood. What gives?
I went to the dentist today! I need $2000 worth of work! *hums happily*
Why the hell are you happy?
I got to miss work for four whole hours!
Wow. Who would have guessed paying to be put through a chamber of horrors is preferable to working at Wal-Mart?

 

by ivytheplant
6-28-05
"Will Joesph's cock please come to the front of the store, your party is waiting!"
A dude's cock? Yeah, like that will happen!
Excuse me, I need to go check on something.
"I repeat: Will Joesph's cock please come to the front of the store, your party is waiting!"
Whore!
I gotta see this!
"Will Joseph's cock please come--"
Look, it's Joseph Skoch. Skoch!
Your cock is here, isn't it?

 

by ivytheplant
7-03-05
While buying those little poppy things that you throw on the ground and they make a cracky noise at Wal-Mart, I got carded. Apparently I look like a minor.
You're kidding, right?
Miss, I'll need to see your I.D.
Here. You'll notice I'm over 18.
Could you please verify the information on "your" I.D.?
I was born on February 22, 1979 in Harrison, AR at 10:53pm, much to the relief of my mother who had been in labor since that morning.The attending physician was...
Okay, your total is...

 

by ivytheplant
7-03-05
I get carded. A lot.
One for Sin City.
Yeah right.
Sigh, here's my I.D.
Uh-huh.
Did I mention a lot?
A notarized copy of my birth certificate, my HS diploma, college transcripts, forklift operator's license, and three letters of reference from various judges. Now can I see the goddamn movie?
Fine, but I'm watching you, punk.

 

by ivytheplant
7-03-05
I get carded pretty much everywhere. Movies, stores, concerts...Once, an even army recruiter carded me.
One for whatever PG movie is playing.
Can I see some I.D.?
But there's one place I haven't been carded in years.
I'd like to buy this video game, Kittens and Puppies Frolick In A Sunny Meadow Under Rainbows And Nobody Dies At All.
I.D. please.
The liquor store.
Three bottles of Jack, two kegs of whatever swill kids are drinking these days, and a bathtub of gin.
Okay, your total is...

 

by ivytheplant
7-03-05
True story...
Your total is $23.74.
Aren't you going to card me?
Why should I?
I just bought booze. There's a cop standing behind me.
Oh, well you look old to me.
I love you.

 

by ivytheplant
7-18-05
Friday...
Ivy, I need you to clear out this isle and move the grill accessories from the far side of the Garden Center into this isle.
Why are we doing this?
We're getting ready for Christmas.
I'm sorry, for a minute there, I thought you said we were getting ready for Christmas. In July.
I did.
Ow.

 

by ivytheplant
7-20-05
Here.
What's this?
My two-week notice. Fuck you.

 

by ivytheplant
7-20-05
Two months prior...
Hey boss, between work and school, I'm dying of exhaustion. Can I temporarily cut down my hours to 30 per week so I can get sleep?
Hmmmmmno. It's too short notice. I need you now 40 hours.
Well, what about next month?
Talk to me in a couple days.
The next day...
Has anyone seen Mel?
She just went on vacation. Won't be back for a couple weeks.

 

by ivytheplant
7-20-05
Two weeks later...
Yeah, so about cutting down my hours...
It's too short notice. You should have talked to me last month.
But you told me--
Look! Ponies!

 

by ivytheplant
7-20-05
So I requested time off and it was denied. What gives? I have to go get surgery done that day.
You didn't turn the request in three weeks in advance.
Yes I did.
Look, I can't give you time off whenever you ask it. I had over 200 requests in my inbox this morning, half of them from last week!
Um, people don't request time off for a day already passed. You're just too lazy to check your messages on time so you blame it on us.
Look! Ponies!

 

by ivytheplant
7-20-05
Mel, I have a field trip I have to go on tomorrow. I requested it off and it was denied because I was told I didn't turn it in three weeks in advance.
I guess you're SOL, then.
*snarl* I. Turned. It. In. Well. On. Time. And. Informed. You. Of. The. Field. Trip! You. Said. No. Problem.
Well, it's too short notice now.
*agonized howl* It's 50% of my grade!
You should have turned the request in three weeks ahead of time.

 

by ivytheplant
7-20-05
I need to request a Saturday off to go to my first aid/CPR recertification class.
You aren't allowed to use the time off request system anymore. You have too many requests.
They were all denied! All five of them! And they were all for medical or school!
Sorry, that's the way it is.
Well, then may I verbally request that you refrain from scheduling me to work that day so I may attend the class I've already paid for?
No.

 

by ivytheplant
7-20-05
Look, the class is August 13, I'm letting you know well in advance.
I'm sorry, but you have to request three weeks in advance. The schedule's already been made so you aren't allowed to go.
July 20 + August 13 = more than three weeks in advance!
Not by our calendar. If you had requested August 16 or later, then it would be three weeks in advance and I could approve it.
I think I just felt my work ethic disintegrate.
So you can work Thanksgiving again, right?

Showing page 21.

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