All comics by four_legged_tripod

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Hey Dad, why is Nicki Manaj like a G6?
Well...
Uh...
I don't know what either of those things are.

 

We here at the American Widow Project understand that you're going through a very difficult time, ma'am.
I brought over a casserole. Feel free to call if you need anything.
Marilyn, what the hell was that all about?
I'm guessing Charles must have died.

 

Della? Are you dead? Ms. Reese?
oh... yeah... that's it...
Move over. I get to touch her now.

 

...and a partridge in a pear tree...
Oh come on! It's not even Thanksgiving! There's no need to sing Chrstmas songs until after Thanksgiving!
Christmas songs?
I was just commenting on how someone just dumped David Cassidy's body over there.

 

So she was like "Monty, can you be my baby daddy?" and "I'm like yeah".
Dude, the kid's not even yours. She had the baby prematurely and the dad split. She's using you.
"She ain't nothin like them bimbos". Besides, I like the little guy. Ben's cute. I've been watching him the last two days with no issues.
You know nothing about taking care of a child. Where is he now?
"Benjamins all in my pocket".

 

Alexa, play my Devo station on Pandora.
Alexa, add a reminder that I don't handle Indian food well.
Alexa, add toilet paper to the shopping list.
Alexa, tell me the best way to remove poop stains from boxer shorts.
Alexa...
For the last time, I'm not doing any of that! And from now on, call me by my middle name instead!

 

This is stupid! We had no snow at all last year and now it looks like we won't have any snow this year!
That's climate change and global warming for you.
This isn't about global warming. God did this!
With all the pollution humans create? How can you even think God had something to do with this?
Do you feel that? It's drafty. Turn the heat up some more!
Yes, mother.

 

Ward! You won't believe it but Eddie came over in nothing but a trench coat, opened it up and showed Theodore his privates!
Do we still have any of that ham left?
Ward! You're not listening!
Sorry June. What we're you saying?
Eddie. Flashed. The Beeve!
Huh! I had no idea that kid had a vagina!

 

What's with all of the ripped up paper in the trash can?
I was detailing my trip plans for the summer. I was going to go on this mass tour of cool rock bands.
Ooookaaay...
But now Pat DiNizio is dead.
And?
And his death just blew all my plans to smithereens!

 

I'll have a number one please.
Can I get a name for the order?
I'm the Big Mac Daddy!
Full of ourselves, are we?
Big Mac, I am your father!

 

And what's with dirvers?! It's called a "blind spot" for a reason! You can't see if there's a car there unless you check!
It's not called a "blind spot" because you're blind, although you probably deserve the handicapped sign in your window for being mentally handicapped!
That's one salty ham!

 

So we have now changed the register to only emojis. If someone wanted a burger and fries, press the 🍔🍟.
What about the chocolate ice cream emoji?
Don't press that!
💩
Well, if that's what the customer wants...

 

♫ The king was so beloved, beloved among the land. He had a heart of gold and ruled with an iron hand ♬ Well that's it for me. I must be off.
Really? Why?
It's been a month. My time is up.
When will your replacement get here?
In about three to five days.
Well that sucks! The king gets so crabby during his minstrel cycle!

 

What are you eating?
Cranberries.
Oh for fucks sake! You're not eating them becuase Dolores O'Riordan the lead singer of the Cranberries just died are you?
Of course not. I'm getting ready to celebrate her return.
Her return?
As a zombie, of course.

 

September 23, 1806
Uhngh! Oh yeah! Here it comes! Wait for it! HOLY SACAJAWEA!
Lewis, what's a Sacaja-whatever?
Well, uh, it's uh, it's not a person in case you're wondering.
Really?
Yeah. It's uh, it's a new swear brought over by the British.
Oh, like nigger cock!

 

Why so glum? I thought you were going camping.
We are. We're gonna stay outdoors so I bought us something to stay in and it's even made by that blue ribbon beer company.
Sounds great. What's the problem?
My neighbors gave us something to sleep in as a gift and my wife would rather take theirs.
How come?
She'd rather stay in the present tents than in the Pabst.

 

I did it! I'm no longer a virgin!
No way! What's it like?
Well, I found her cloaca. It's a slit, like this.
And you just shoved it in there?
Wait! He stuck it in your nose?!

 

I just got the quarterly earnings in and I can't believe how little I'm being paid!
Oh my God! Hashtag Me Too!
What? And the way the boss stares at me when I come out of the restroom makes me really uncomfortable.
Oh my God! Hashtag Me Too!
I feel like I can't say anything anymore without pissing someone off!
Hashtag Me Too, buddy. Hashtag Me Too.

 

Hey! Frozen chicken nuggets for dinner! I love it!
We had an open bag that needed cooked, so I just threw it together.
Sweet! And they're in little Jumanji shapes. I had no idea the Rock was hawking chicken nuggets though.
Why do they taste so awful?
They're from the Robin Williams version.

 

Hall pass, please.
And who the fuck are you supposed to be?
I'm Steve, the new sercurity officer. The schools are now hiring us zombies to strike fear in punks like you.
Shit, I've seen enough movies to know your slow ass couldn't catch me if you tried!
Whoa! What happened to the home ec room?
I heard Billy fighting with the new security guy. He must have said "Bite me!"

 

What are all the white people doing gathered around the front gates?
They are awaiting Billy Graham's arrival.
The son of a bitch finally died, huh?
Yep.
And he's got groupies?
They call themselves "Graham Crackers", sir.

 

You look upset George. What's up?
I donated sperm today. I filled up my sample cup but this black fella had filled his too but his cup was gallon sized!
Did he have a snake tattoo on his right forearm?
By Jove, he did! Why do you ask?
That was my uncle Floyd. He's delivers milk you dumbass!

 

Top 10 answers are on the board. Name something you would not want to suddenly stop while riding it.
An airplane!
A man!
What?

 

So what's new?
Well, last night I was motorboating my wife and I got stuck.
Stuck?
Yeah.
It was a booby trap.

 

Honey, there's an officer wanting to talk to you about Stephen Hawking's death.
Tell 'em I ain't here!
What's going on? I know you were just at his last symposium but certainly you had nothing to do with his death.
Well...
Well what? Didn't he die of Lou Gehrig's?
Let's just say we got drinks after and I woke up to him exploring my black hole...

 

Hey, that was a great comic comp you came up with for that "more comic competitions" thread.
I guess.
There were some great enteries too.
If you say so.
Come on! It's been like a year and a fucking half! Judge the damn thing already!
Don't rush me asshole. I'll get to it when I feel like it.

 

Good sir, how long wilst thou journey be?
Twill be long and hard.
Tis what she proclaimed!
*gasp*
Fear not fair maiden. It won't catcheth on.

 

Why you limpin' Joe?
My girlfriend tried to cut off my dick but ended up stabbing me in the leg.
I hope you sent her ass to jail.
Yep. She's been charged with a missedawiener.

 

Dude, why you cryin'?
It's April second.
Oh, I get it. April Fool's is over and you're the king of pranks. Like the snakes in my bed, the clear gelatin in my toilet bowl, the list goes on.
It's not that.
So what is it?
She's still pregnant!

 

Thank you for calling customer service. My name is Henry.
Bullshit! You're name's not Henry. You're accent is way to thick to be named Henry.
My name is Henry. How may I be of assisiting you?
I need to check my account.
Needig to just verify your email.
It's at sbcglobal dot net. That's S as in sand. B as in Bollywood. C as in camel...

 

Oh my gosh, with soccer practice, choir concerts, guitar lessons and everything else, I have to carry around this huge calendar to keep all my kids straight!
I know what you mean!
You have one too?
It's right here.
My goodness! This thing is full! Your kids must be so busy.
Oh, it's not for the kids. It's all the dates I need to remember to cancel our trial subscriptions to things so we don't have to pay the full price for stuff!

 

There! It's done! Are you fucking happy now?
You didn't have to destory the whole planet, asshole!
The hell I didn't! Now you'll have to stop bitching about how I never kill the stupid little spiders in the tub! Because I killed them all!
I didn't want all the spiders dead, just the one in the tub! You don't realize the possible consequences of your actions!
Hey bro, what's she bitchin' about?
Well for fuck's sake!

 

And God made dogs
Okay, so you're gonna be man's best friend.
Well that's pretty sexist.
No, I meant "man" as in all... Ah fuck it! You know what? You can't speak!
........
And chocolate kills you!

 

Mr. President, are you worried about possible loss of innocent lives in Syria? What if you accidently bomb a Walmart?
There are no Walmarts in Syria.
Only Targets.

 

Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven, "ate", nine.
Ha! It's funny, isn't it?
I guess. Do you why ten died?
No.
He got caught in the middle of nine eleven.

 

And why are you filing for unemployment, Mr., uh, Unemployment Man?
Well, with all the technology and drones, criminals are being caught at a faster rate.
And with a president willing to blow everything up, no one wants to be a supervillain anymore. But, on the plus size...
Don't you mean plus side?
How is my wife getting fat a plus side?

 

Billy, you'd better eat your veggies or I'll have to call "Supper Man" in here!
Supper Man?
Young man, you'd better eat your green beans if you want to grow up to be strong like me. Up, up, and away!
We're just joshin' you, Billy. That was just your father in my yoga pants. I put him up to this.
You know he just jumped out of our five story window, right?

 

You really played high school football?
I sure did.
What was it like?
A lot like my first time having sex.
I was bloody and sore by the end, but at least my uncle came.

 

Hey sweet thing. You remind me of my pinky toe.
Why's that?
You're small, cute,
and later tonight, I'm gonna bang you on my coffee table.

 

So, how goes the chemo, Jack?
Not bad since my wife is going through it with me.
Is she struggling with being bald?
Not really. She said at least the carpet now matches the drapes.

 

That really wasn't very nice, what you said to me.
I'm sorry. I thought you were a school.
A school.
Yeah. You're not a school?
No.
Damn. I really wanted to shoot some kids in you.

 

How was your day?
Amazing! You know how hot teachers are having sex with their male students now?
Yeah. I read something about that.
Well it finally happened to me!
But, you're home schooled.

 

Isn't it a little early for school to be out already?
We went ten minutes extra each day this year so they could let us out earlier in the year.
They learned they could save millions the more days the school was shut down and the power was off. I wonder where they got the idea from.
Superintendent Mays, 40 years earlier
Dammit Edward! How many times have I told you we could save millions if you would just remember to turn off the lights when you leave a room!

 

Hey dad, what's the deal with Chick-Fil-A?
What do you mean?
They never say "You're welcome". Just "It's my pleasure" when you thank them for something.
It's actually kinda fun if you use it right.
Thank you for allowing me to stare at your sweet, sweet ass when you turned around to get my drink.
Uh... It's my pleasure?

 

What's with the giant French flag?
When the aliens come I want to win the "Least Likely to Resist During an Invasion" award.

 

Fine, Phil! Geeze! For fuck's sake! You win the neighborhood cosplay award!

 

The flag's a nice touch, but your waffles still suck. Lay down your apron and get the fuck out!

 

What are you doing Old Man?
I was thinking I'd like to live until I'm 100.
Huh. Well...
The best I can do is 77. Take it or leave it.

 

Here lies Joe Jackson.
The first father
to sucessfully beat the black out of his child.

 

...I must be worse off than I thought. Dial-A-Prayer just called ME!
Which makes me wonder...
When the fuck will death return my calls?

Showing page 22.

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