All comics by brycekain

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by brycekain
12-24-15
Why did you leave Earth?
Because I can't do ANYTHING there, Coleman! I can't say the "R" word without people throwing a hissy. I can't laugh at gay jokes. I can't stare at women anymore.
I'm a middle aged white male, so pretty much everyone already hates my ass anyway! Slavery? Women's Lib? And don't get me started on Mexicans!
Come back to Earth, Gary, and let me teach you about the Gospel of Trumpâ„¢

 

by brycekain
12-31-15
I hereby propose that we dedicate this contest to taking me, Atomiclunch, down a few notches! Off me, humiliate me, show me for the fraud that I am!
Have you always this much of an attention whore?
Dude, weak.

 

by brycekain
1-04-16
Dude, go on Urban Dictionary and look up "Atomic Lunch."
What is "gaysian bukakke while wearing a bib?"
About as appealing as Charlie Sheen's dick right about now.

 

by brycekain
1-04-16
And now to inject the retrovirus...
AAAAAAAAAHHHH HHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHH HHHHHH!!!!!
Sorry. Taco Bell.
Speaking of overblown shit-pushers, Atomic Lunch is coming over for dinner. Are we out of duct tape and ho-hos?

 

Look, I know you didn't want to be resurrected, Mr. Milk, but your cause needs you now more than ever. How do you feel...?
Gay.
by brycekain, 1-09-16

 

by brycekain
1-09-16
"Backdoorgasm: When a person laughs so hard their bowels quiver and they shit their pants." by afallenmind May 05, 2011
"Stoner Moment: When you are having a conversation, or in a situation, and you completely forget a major part of what you were going to say or do." by afallenmind January 20, 2015
"Smurf: To cause another person to have an orgasm so hard that they turn blue during the orgasm process." by afallenmind January 09, 2012
I don't know who this afallenmind guy is, but he sounds like a British cigarette.

 

by brycekain
1-14-16
So I'm banging Kim Davis in the White House closet, right? And then suddenly out of nowhere I hear "I love anal!"
I look down and it just hits me like a ton of bricks.
"I love anal?"
That's what HE said!

 

by brycekain
1-24-16
So... what, you're not coming out just because you keep losing comic contests?
ROSE...BUD...
Oh, grow the fuck up.

 

by brycekain
1-24-16
Yo, like this one time I once met a French guy on the streets of Paris, right? He like caught my gaze with his dreamy eyes and musky smell, ya know?
So he says to me, he says, "Puis-je obtenir de l'aide?" And I'm like DUH! I've been around the block before. So I take him back to my pad. Badda bing, badda boom, I'm makin' sweet love!
That reminds me. I need to learn what "Je ne suis pas un homosexuel!" means before our next date. Such a beautiful friggen' language...

 

by brycekain
1-24-16
Now, Jeff, before you say anything let me explain. It was my first time so I got nervous. It got messy. But what do you think? The letters are done in OPP and I think just ties the room up nicely.
Just as long as you aren't out killing black people, then I'm ok with it. I don't need the cops sniffing around my place again. Wait... what does "OPP" mean?
"Oprah's..... Pussy.......... Pus...?"

 

by brycekain
1-24-16
Either pay us $200,000 or be out in 2 months.
Uh... couldn't you have given me a little more warning?
That would be inconvenient. Please have your keys in our office by 9am on that date.
Oh so THAT'S what the "Buttfuck Clause" was about...

 

Mornin', Gary.
New water cooler?
by brycekain, 1-24-16

 

by brycekain
1-24-16
Welcome to Heaven, my son. Here you will have everlasting salvation and eternal peace. Merely ask and it will be done.
For you are in no earthly realm. The heavens and the stars do as we wish, for we are the meek. And the meek shall...
OK, WHAT???
Your penis says Roadhouse on it.

 

by brycekain
1-24-16
*SIGH*
FUCKIN' PIMPLES...

 

by brycekain
1-24-16
You hear about the Oscars? Can you believe it? Not one black person!
I thought you didn't want people to base things on your skin color?
I don't, but those people are racist. We got snubbed and shut out.
So you do want them to base it on being black instead of merit...?
See now YOU'RE racist!
I'm a fucking cartoon lizard.

 

by brycekain
1-30-16
There once was a nurse named Jill Hunt
Her husband was French and a Runt
If you think you might know where this limerick goes, I'm sorry, but you're shit out of luck.
Why do I smell tuna on spaghetti night?

 

by brycekain
1-30-16
Hey kids, you know how ol' dad has the worst luck sometimes? Well I have a funny story to tell you about it. Back in 2016 , I got knocked out and mugged while walking down a street in Brooklyn.
To make matters worse, while I was knocked out someone reported that I had committed the mugging. That night I awoke to terrible screams of agony. And that, kids, is how I met your father...
Raping Pharma Bro.
A little help over here?

 

by brycekain
2-02-16
I will judge this once the contest has ripened for a full month.

 

by brycekain
2-02-16
Forgot to take my meds today.
I wish they'd stop saying I suck now.

 

by brycekain
2-02-16
I am Blowback Man!

 

by brycekain
2-02-16
Don't move! I have laser weapon!
Don't use against me! I am Ha Chi Chi, Goddess of Laughter, Kitties, and Cuteness! Also Dirty Panties and Sadness for some reason.
ARRR! ENTER TENTACLE PORN!
I am dressed now and not made of sadness. Hooray!
And I am dark demon forces that you are in love with but can never have (HA HA!) Also I am brooding, but noble warrior (HASSA!) I never fart.

 

by brycekain
2-04-16
I never get picked anymore in the contests. Do I suck at comedy now? Have I always?
People don't seem to like me anymore. Maybe I should just go crawl under a rock and eat worms.
When the hell did you get so needy?
TWELVE HOURS AFTER I LAST FUCKED YOUR MOM!

 

by brycekain
2-04-16
Are we....? Really? This is happening?
I mean seriously. This is the 30th time you've told this joke. Do I really have to set it up again? And what about this guy? Hey dude, this sucks. You want to get out of here?
Unfortunately Skagg was deaf in his left ear. It was stuck to Madonna's meat curtain.
*sigh*

 

by brycekain
2-04-16
Go back and read the earlier Planet WTF comics....
or stand here til a semi crushes me to death......? hmmm...
Remember when that douchebag tried to give this crap a plot?

 

by brycekain
2-04-16
I was here for the job interview, but now I have to ask: What are you wearing?
Turkey.
Yeah I hate those lazy bastards, too.
Always mooching off the system.

 

by brycekain
2-04-16
Smokin' in the boys' room...
Smokin' in the boys' room...
Bitch, get your snail trail outta here!
Don't you fill me up with your rules, Boy George.

 

by brycekain
2-05-16
I shall fight valiantly against this depression by making a bunch of comics. Ok... here I go...
Fuck it.

 

by brycekain
2-05-16
Come 'ere.
Nope. Try again.
But try as he might, depression was harder to beat than an NFL player's wife.
DAMMIT!
It's ok. I know you suck.

 

by brycekain
2-05-16
Look, man. I know what you tell everyone when they ask why you did it, but come on. It's just you and me. Why did you really do it?
The nookie.

 

by brycekain
2-05-16
Space.................. The final......... frontier.
Yeah!
These..... are the voyages....
OH YEAH!
Ok, I need to stop. The blood is making me sick.
Sorry. Forgot to tell you about my hemorrhoids.

 

by brycekain
2-05-16
Good morning, my child. Have you given your heart to me lately?
Who the fuck are you?
Why, I'm Jesus, son of God. Ruler of the Heavens and the Earth. All you need to do is give your heart to me and you shall have eternal salvation.
You people from the DMV are getting desperate.
The what now?
I told you assholes I don't want to be an organ donor!

 

Tea?
Indubitably!
by brycekain, 2-05-16

 

by brycekain
2-05-16
Reigning Hide 'n Seek champion for 2000 years.
I fucking hate you, Space Jesus.

 

by brycekain
2-05-16
Need help, ma'am?
Oh good, you're here. I never thought you'd come.
Wherever there is evil, The Nozzle will be there to hose down the enemy!
Wait, aren't you Jenna Jameson?
Hand me the Vaseline, would you dear?

 

by brycekain
2-06-16
When you are sick with the flu, nothing seems funny. Like this one: I know there's a joke here, but I'm too tired and sick to think of one.
Fuck it.
Roadhouse?
The safe word is whorehouse, maggot!

 

by brycekain
2-06-16
You're going to save us, right Jesus?
Nah. I'll probably disappear then flood the place with a bunch of unnecessary shit, killing you in the process.
What kind of monster are you? You can't do that to innocent people!
You've never read the bible, have you?

 

by brycekain
2-07-16
Well, today I'm sick.
YOU NEED BACON!
No, I don't.
YOU NEED BACON!
I've got weed.
I NEED WEED!

 

I quit.
by brycekain, 2-15-16

 

by brycekain
2-20-16
Quitting is for losers. You're not a loser, you're a winner! Now get back out there and be the best comic you can be!
Jesus Christ, shut the fuck up already.

 

by brycekain
2-22-16
DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!
Roadhouse?
UNCIRCUMCISED PENCIL, MUTHAFUCKA!

 

by brycekain
2-22-16
Go away, Cat! I'm tryin' to shit!
Meow?
Go away, Cat! I'm tryin' to shit!
Meow?
What's that smell?
Meow :)

 

by brycekain
2-22-16
Why am I so alone on Christmas?
You're a whore!
I wish my vagina would stop practicing ventriloquism.
*PFFT*

 

by brycekain
2-22-16
There was a recent TV show that referenced a bad guy named Tobar.
I would like to set the record straight. Indeed my good name has been besmirched, but I must remind you all that MY name is Tobor.
I'd tell you the name of the show, but weed was involved.
#TheLessYouKnow

 

by brycekain
2-22-16
So you're telling me that all of this and the Kingdom of Heaven is mine as soon as you retire?
Yes indeed, son. All you have to do is give your heart to me and eternal salvation is your's.
And where did you say you've been for the past 2,000 years? Out buying cigarettes?
Oh, here we go...

 

by brycekain
2-25-16
My daughter Kate just turned 18. She has an eating disorder, IBS, and mumbles to herself a lot. Who wants to marry her?
What's IBS?
Ooooh, that's corny!

 

by brycekain
2-26-16
My daughter Kate just turned 18. She's anorexic, terrible at giving head, and likes to stuff random veggies in her hoohoo then guess what they are. Who wants to marry her?
You look a-MAAAZE-ing...
Ooooh, that's corny!

 

by brycekain
2-26-16
Go away, Cat! I'm tryin' to shit!
Judge the contest.
Go away, Cat! I'm tryin' to shit!
Judge the contest.
What's that smell?
Bryce Kain not winning.

 

by brycekain
2-26-16
"....and ACTION!"
OOOOOH! TINY PENIS SO SMALL BUT MAKE HUGE STREAM ON AMERICAN DREAM! HAHA!
"Cue the wetback scene!"
It is I! Jose Sanchez the Beaner Rapist! I have come for your white America and it's whitest of white women!
NEVER FEAR! JESUS AND CAPITOLISM WILL SAVE THE DAY!
This has been a moment inside Donald Trump's wet dream. #TheLessYouKnow

 

by brycekain
2-26-16
Why do you keep attacking Christmas?
We don't keep attacking Christmas.
But you say Happy Holidays instead! That's a war on Christmas!
There is no war on Christmas.
THEN WHY DO YOU KEEP FIGHTING A WAR ON CHRISTMAS?!
Hey, you assholes started it.

 

by brycekain
2-26-16
Wash up for dinner, Carl.
One second. Judith's crying keeps attracting the walkers. Gotta go quiet her down.
BANG!
So what's for grub?

Showing page 23.

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