All comics by ivytheplant

Profile

 

by ivytheplant
8-21-05
I'm afraid I'm going to have to send you home to change your shirt.
Why? What's wrong with it?
It's offensive.
It's clean and free of holes. The only one I have that is. What could possibly be offensive about it?
It's a "Hooters" shirt.
What? You don't like owls?

 

by ivytheplant
8-23-05
Can I get out this way?
The gate's locked, but the girl with the keys should be back soon.
You mean I have to go all the way around!?
Nooo...I just said the girl with the keys to the gate will be back in a minute, if you could just wait.
So I have to go all the way around to the other exit?
Now you do. Have fun.

 

by ivytheplant
8-25-05
"Will Ivy in Garden Center please come back to the manager's office?"
Ha! You're so screwed!
I hope so. I haven't been slacking, breaking dress code policy, and insulting customers all these weeks for nothing!
Later...
So, what'd they do? Coach you? Fire you? What?
I got a raise.
ARGH! My logic circuits!
If I stab you, do you think they'll make me a manager?

 

by ivytheplant
8-27-05
I thought I'd let you know that we aren't allowed to make pages on the PA system.
Why the hell not?
Female customers complained that we made too many pages.
So shouldn't we just cut down on frivolous pages?
Remember, customer satisfaction is our number one priority.
Just when I thought this place couldn't get any dumber...

 

by ivytheplant
8-28-05
*stares with the heat of a thousand suns*
I don't know you. Passport, please.
Pet me now or die where you stand.
Well, they seem friendly.
If they claw your balls, it means you're family.

 

by ivytheplant
8-29-05
So this is the sleeping arrangements. Sorry it's not more hotel-ish, but I barely have room for me and the cats.
Floor mattresses are very hip with college students these days.
If I still had the couch, you could have found out what its like to be swallowed by demonic furniture.
Are those Batman sheets?
There's no way for me to answer without sounding like a complete nerd.
So you really do sleep with Batman.

 

by ivytheplant
8-31-05
Are you aware you were going 105 miles per hour?
Really? Teh cool!
How old is your passenger there?
I'm pretty sure she's over 18.
Dude, I told you about the carding thing.

 

by ivytheplant
9-02-05
So you're 26, eh?
Yup.
They actually believed me.
Oh, theyre pagans. They'll take everything in stride.
I'm black.

 

by ivytheplant
9-02-05
So you had to turn the rental car back in, eh?
Yes. I feel so diminished without it.
It was a very cool car.
There seems to be something missing now. Something like...
Pants?
No, that's not it.

 

by ivytheplant
9-03-05
I think I'm sick.
I knew that.
No, I mean cough cough sick.
Well, this is Wyoming. There's only one surefire cure for what ails you.
RAAAR!
Ooo! Cherry-flavored!

 

by ivytheplant
9-03-05
I'm jonesing without my espresso.
There's a Christian bookstore over there. They have espresso.
Mmmm. Christian espresso.
A shot of salvation in every cup.
And superheated Jesus steam!
Suddenly I feel the fires of hell very near.

 

by ivytheplant
9-04-05
So I've managed to break hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of equipment all before lunch. What am I going to do for an encore? Stab a manager?
There's three managers behind you. I'd say you're doomed.
"Will Ivy in Garden Center please come back to the manager's office?"
I hope the cops are involved...
Busted!
15 minutes later...
They fired me because I fell asleep in the break room and accidentally took a 25 minute break, instead of 15. "Theft of company time."
ARGH! My logic circuits!

 

by ivytheplant
9-05-05
True Story...I swear.
Do you want any cream or sugar in your coffee?
No thanks.
Oh, so you're a black man, then?
I'm black.

 

by ivytheplant
9-07-05
Turn in your badge.
Woohoo!
Turn in your vest.
WOOHOO!
Turn in your discount card.
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

by ivytheplant
9-07-05
So how's life been treating you since Wal-Mart fired you?
Pretty good actually. I forgot why I stayed so long.
Was it the money?
Nah. I didn't even make enough to cover my bills while working there.
The people?
Now you're just being stupid.

 

by ivytheplant
9-07-05
So you got fired. Bummer, huh?
No, not really.
How've you been holding up?
Excellent. I'm very happy.
So no plans to return to the Wal-Mart Family?
Only with explosives.

 

by ivytheplant
9-07-05
So, time for supper. What are you in the mood for?
Fugu sounds good.
This is Wyoming. We have to hunt our own antelope and skin them before we can eat.
And fight off the badgers.
Badger. Lewl.

 

by ivytheplant
9-08-05
I need a new wardrobe.
Yes, I can see that.
Cut the sarcasm and help me find something dressy, but not too dressy, but not too scroungy. Something tasteful.
Have you ever thought of being on one of those makeover shows?
I said I was looking for something tasteful.
This is the 00's. Good luck.

 

by ivytheplant
9-08-05
How about this?
The pattern is pseudo 70's with an 80's cut. I'm not touching it. What do you have in men's clothing?
I thought you wanted semi-formal women's wear?
Yeah, but women's clothing sucks. Men's clothing is still teh cool.
Have you ever considered a sex change?
Nah, boys are dumb.

 

by ivytheplant
9-09-05
You and your companion have been flagged to go through extra security.
Crap.
Right this way.
Doomed...
I told you I haven't flown since June 2000. How was I supposed to know thermonuclear warheads weren't allowed?
Warhead. Lewl.

 

by ivytheplant
9-09-05
"Due to a bad engine, all passengers should disembark and wait for repairs to be made to the plane."
I'm starting to think the universe is trying to tell us something.
Lewl?

 

by ivytheplant
9-13-05
You've been flagged to go through extra security. Please follow me to a female security officer.
Not again...
Are these items your dad's?
Um...
...so then I said "I don't remember screaming "Daddy" during sex last night."

 

by ivytheplant
9-14-05
While trying to rent a car...
I'm sick of going through this crap with my card every time, you Bank of America fuckers!
I'm sorry sir, but--
I could have been stranded here! You jerkoffs have fucked up for the last time!
*click*
When you got all irate and counter-poundy, you reminded me of my dad when he gets angry at something.
Boorite smash!

 

by ivytheplant
9-18-05
Oh my. There's rocks and fossils everywhere.
Can it get any better than this?
Hey! There's rocks shaped like penises!
I truly am in heaven...

 

by ivytheplant
9-19-05
I can't hear my phone ring in all this racket. I want to hear it if boorite calls.
Maybe you should set it to vibrate.
Good idea--ooooh...radioactive rocks...
Woohoo!
Later...
My pants are vibrating. Must be my boyfriend.
Wow, he's good!

 

by ivytheplant
9-20-05
Is it me, or does it look kinda wrong to have the wrapper from my child-sized toothbrush next to the used condom in this hotel room.
Don't be silly.
Yeah, I guess it's kinda silly.
What's the maid going to do? Call the cops?
Right, so about the charges...

 

by ivytheplant
9-27-05
Denver, CO
Can I help you?
The e-ticket kiosk said I had to come here to get my boarding pass issued.
Okay, let me help those people all the way down there at the counter with more than enough ticket agents first.
Please hurry, my flight leaves in an hour.
Eons pass...
Can I help you?
You know, pencils are more effective weapons than lighters.

 

by ivytheplant
9-27-05
Here's your boarding pass. Boarding is in final call. They won't hold the plane for you, you know.
When I take over the world, you'll be the first to die.
I suggest you run. Thank you for flying Frontier.
Fuckers...
15 minutes later...
I'm *gasp!* here! Don't *wheeze* leave!
Oh, the plane was late. They haven't even started boarding the cripples yet.

 

by ivytheplant
9-27-05
York, PA
Okay, so the truck is packed, the car is stuffed, and we're ready to go.
Wyoming or lewl!
*Cheesy 80's power ballad with a driving montage*
Three days later...
We're still in Pennsylvania.
It's the black hole of the universe. It actually generates its own gravitons.

 

by ivytheplant
9-27-05
I-80 West
STFU, this is OMG for radio check. Lewl.
OMG this is STFU radio check okay. Lewl.
STFU, we could use some gas and snackage. Lewl.
OMG, confirm the need for snackage. Lewl.
Later in the truck stop...
You know, I thought I knew all the trucker lingo, but what the hell does "lewl" mean?
It means I'm finally getting my money's worth out of those damned radios.

 

by ivytheplant
9-27-05
STFU, where TF are we? Lewl.
OMG, I think we're in Ohio. Lewl.
Yeah, so howabout we get out of here as fast as possible then?
Are you sure? Next up is Indiana.

 

by ivytheplant
9-27-05
I guess we should stop for the night. Toledo looks like a good point.
Is there anything interesting about Toledo?
Hi, I'm Corporal Klinger.
Not really.
Oh come on, Toledo's a hopping town!

 

by ivytheplant
9-27-05
The stop ticket didn't come out and people were honking so I just left.
Oooo! You're in trouble!
Fucking Ohio Turnpike. What will they do if I don't have one?
Probably nothing.
So many of our comics seem to end up here.
Lewl. Over.

 

by ivytheplant
9-27-05
Toledo, OH
Well that was a fun day. Driving across Pennsylvania and Ohio.
*waver*
I guess we should--
*thud*
Front desk.
I could use a crash cart. Do they come in espresso?

 

by ivytheplant
9-28-05
*whiiiiiirrrrrr*
It's 2am. Are they vacuuming the halls?
Morons.
* o/^ yeah yeah yeah! o/^ *
Who's playing the shitty music?
Ivy smash!
*clang clang clang!*
Now what?
Fuck it, I'm going to go make comics.

 

by ivytheplant
9-28-05
Noon...
*knock knock* Housekeeping!
We're not done yet!
10 minutes later...
*knock knock* Housekeeping! *rattle doorknob!*
We're coming!
"Coming." Lewl.

 

by ivytheplant
9-30-05
Dubuque, IA
Grandma, this is my boyfriend, Scott.
Nice to meet you.
*wedding bells*
Um...right. So, how're you, Grandma?
She's sweet.
*wedding bells*

 

by ivytheplant
9-30-05
So what do you think of Scott, grandma?
He's a nice boy.
It's time to hit the road. Nice to see you, Grandma!
Take care and don't drive too fast! Watch out for drunks!
My granddaughter is taken care of. Now to marry off my son...

 

by ivytheplant
9-30-05
Chicago, IL (two days earlier)
Are we still on I-80?
I don't think so.
How did that happen?
I think we had to exit to stay on I-80.
Well this sucks.
Why do you think it's the Windy City?

 

by ivytheplant
10-03-05
Some truck stop, Iowa
Let's see, is this stall open?
Ohhhh...
Um, is she masturbating in a truck stop bathroom?
Yes, oh yes!
*brain atrophy*
Yes yes yes!

 

by ivytheplant
10-03-05
Maybe the other stall is open.
*shloop*
Oh look, she's stripped naked giving herself a spongebath.
*dips towel in toilet water*
I should introduce her to the first woman.
*lather*

 

by ivytheplant
10-03-05
Lincoln, NE
I'm going to stop for the night.
Okay, but look for a motel you can see from the interstate. Otherwise we'll wander Lincoln for 40 years.
This one looks good.
Oh no! Not this one! It's the exit of doom! We'll--ARGH!
40 years later...
Whelp, we finally gots ourselves a motel.
You suck.

 

by ivytheplant
10-03-05
I need espresso.
There's a Barnes & Noble.
Yay! Let's go!
You'll have to go deep into the heart of Lincoln and brave the hordes of abortion protesters.
Abortions tickle.
I'm waiting in the car. If you aren't back in three days, I'm leaving.

 

by ivytheplant
10-03-05
Kearney, NE
Coming up is the Archway Monument.
What the hell is it?
It's a monument to the gullibility and stupidity of the tourist trade.
Groovy! Let's go in!
It costs $15.
...do they have espresso?

 

by ivytheplant
10-03-05
Cozad, NE
This state sucks.
Like a Hoover.

 

by ivytheplant
10-03-05
North Platte, NE
Well this place doesn't seem so bad.
Yup.
Decent hotels off the interstate, espresso down the road, and a good steakhouse.
Yeah, it's one of the less lame towns in Nebraska
What's that?
That's an "authentic" western fort, complete with gift shop. Just like the pioneers used to have.

 

by ivytheplant
10-08-05
I just saw my replacement at Wal-Mart.
That didn't take long.
She's a perky little blonde thing with preppy leanings.
The fiends!
You know what this means. She must die.
I'll call our lawyer.

 

by ivytheplant
10-08-05
You left the lid on the toilet up again.
Oh, sorry. I'll try to remember.
Looking back, it occurs to me that I probably should have said something more manly.
"Omg lewl?"

 

by ivytheplant
10-08-05
Guys! I'm home!
You've been gone.
Yeah, sorry about that, but I--
No excuses. We are displeased with your servitude.
You know, if it wasn't for me, you'd still be sitting in a litter pan at the pound.
When you're done being delusional, I'll point you to the food bowl.

 

by ivytheplant
10-11-05
My girlfriend told me her maternal clock was ticking.
When she finds out her "appendectomy" was really a back-alley hysterectomy, my ass is toast.

Showing page 23.

« Previous Next »