All comics by Scyess

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by Scyess
4-27-05
Hey, Jon! What're you doing on the roof in your underwear?
I'm testing my theory of why loose boxer shorts ride up.
I guess that rules out anti-gravity, huh?
I should've tested my "nipple attraction" theory first.

 

by Scyess
4-27-05
Paul! If you ever really loved me, please! Let me go!
I did love you, Ethel.
But now I don't, so I don't really care how you feel. I'll keep using you for meaningless sex, if it's all the same to you.
If this isn't an engraved invitation to the Isle of Lesbos, I don't know what is.
...and, really, even if it isn't. Let's get naked.

 

by Scyess
4-28-05
Merry Christmas! I hope you like it!
Yes. It's just what I asked for.
You don't seem very excited.
Every year, I give you my list, and I get yours. Then we go out and buy each other pre-chosen "presents". It's not so much exciting as it is a thin pretense of heart-felt-edness.
Well, merry fucking Christmas to you, then.
My point!

 

by Scyess
4-28-05
I've decided to found an organization! The LOOFA.
Neat. What is it?
The Leage for the Observance of Obviously Forced Acronyms
I'd say that's an appropriately awful acronym.
Hey. It was either that or the Forced Acronym Gratification Society

 

by Scyess
4-28-05
WHAT KIND OF CALL IS THAT?!?! WAS THAT UMPIRE DROPPED ON HIS HEAD AS KID?? THAT WAS A FAIR BALL, YOU FUCKING RETARD!!!
Man, this guy is pissing me off. Maybe I should throw a big dog turd in his face.
GAAAH! WHO DID THAT? I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!!! I'M GONNA...
...and that's when the shit hit the fan.
I swear I don't know why I talk to you.

 

by Scyess
4-28-05
Did you take your son to work for "Take your Child to Work Day"?
Jon. I work in a male strip club.
So that's a "no," then?
Damn right it is. Last time I had to loan him $148 in ones.

 

by Scyess
4-29-05
Okay, so #12 for you. How spicy you want?
I want it so spicy my tongue catches on fire before the food even reaches the table. I want it so spicy international treaties are violated.
I want it so spicy the sun looks at it jealously! I want it so spicy it takes teams of physicists to comprehend it!
Okay. Sound like our medium spicy for you.
I love this place.

 

by Scyess
4-29-05
Both sides of ever political arguement claim to have irrefutable factual evidence in their favor. How can that possibly be?
Let me ask you this... would you like to live in a house with long tubes of human waste constatly flowing behind the walls?
No. Yuck.
Good. Now I have irrefutable factual evidence that you are vehemently opposed to indoor plumbing.
Ooooooohhh...
Yeah. That's why I usually vote for furniture.

 

by Scyess
5-02-05
Wow, lady! I can totally see your underwear coming out of your pants!
Um... what are you looking at? It's not that bad...
You know, Cowdjinn, you wouldn't normally think of someone whose husband was just trampled by water buffalo as wearing a sequened pink thong.
While it's true that that thought has, indeed, never crossed my mind, I am still inclined to ask: "What the fuck?"

 

by Scyess
5-03-05
Oh, crap. Here comes Jon with that expression on his face.
Hey, Cowdjinn; I've been thinking: if you spill a bottle of laundry detergent on your shirt, is it dirty, or just really really clean?
This must be what the guy who thought up "shoot to stop" went through.

 

by Scyess
5-03-05
Damn foreigners, taking away good Amer'can jobs. Outsourcing should be illegal.
If it weren't for outsourcing, that 70% polyester shirt you got at Wal-Mart would've cost $86.50.
Raise the minimum wage!
Okay, $126.50.

 

by Scyess
5-03-05
Know what the problem with this country is? No one's a God-fearin' Christian anymore!
Yes. That whole "freedom of religion" thing really is inconvenient, isn't it?
You're going to burn in Hell!
In the afterlife you can give me a big "I told you so." Right now how 'bout you just fuck off?

 

by Scyess
5-03-05
I tell ya... everyone's walkin' around today with their heads up their ass!
What? Nothin' fancy to say, you high-tone turd?
It's taking every ounce of yer concentration to not correct the number agreement in that sentence, ain' t it?
...and now a split infinitive! You bastard!

 

by Scyess
5-05-05
Sorry if I seem a little off today, Jim. I'm in a weird mood.
Weird mood? You call being "a little off" a weird mood?
When I'm in a "weird mood," a couple dozen goats end up walking funny for a month.
Must you trivialize the day-to-day realities of my existence?
You call those "day-to-day realities"? When I have day-to-day realities, Congress has to hold an emergency review of pediphilia laws.

 

by Scyess
5-06-05
Hey there. Would you like to have a good time?
Well, if I consider it to be a "good time," then I would tautologically have to like it. So I guess the answer is "yes."
Did you know that hookers can turn violent when you mistake their advances for a pop SAT question?
That's why I prefer mine underaged. Less developed arm muscles.

 

by Scyess
5-08-05
Hi. I'd like to call my dead grandma to wish her a happy Mother's Day. What's the country code for oblivion?
Just turn the phone sideways and dail 8.
Hey, Grandma. How's the decomposing?
Not bad, dear. And speaking of dead, how's your romantic life?

 

by Scyess
5-10-05
The other day I decided to leave all my worries on the doorstep. But Sanna kept tracking them back into the house.
So I built a rocket to launch them into space. Now I've started selling space for other people's worries.
Don't you think there might be some unforseen consequences to that?
Captain X'pzr! We've just been hit by an unidentified object from the planet's surface... and now I can't help wondering if someone will catch me cheating on something called "income tax."
That's odd... I have the sudden anxiety that someone called "Lorna" might be pregnant.

 

by Scyess
5-11-05
As a man without much intimate experience with women, the fact that they, too, must occasionally take a dump never crossed my mind.
That was before my female roommate decided to feast for three days on a diet consisting solely of spicy Hungarian goulash.
Now I can do nothing but long for my lost days of innocence...
CAN YOU EVEN SMELL IT OVER THE MELODRAMA, YOU WHINEY BASTARD?!!

 

by Scyess
5-12-05
Before I let you go out on your blind date... do you remember the list of words to use?
"relationship," "stable," "Ferarri," "champion," "beautiful," "Hawaii," "radiant," "I'll pick up the tab."
...and the words not to use?
"Urinal," "bankruptcy," "halitosis," "herpes," "unemployed," "Yes those pants make your ass look fat."
Twenty bucks says he mixes up the lists again.
You'll have to give me a hell of a spread.

 

by Scyess
5-12-05
Hey, Jon. Wanna head down to the new Viagra bar?
Gee, Jim... I don't know...
Aw, you'll be fine. Just don't ever back up.
And ferchrissakes, don't order a highball.
Now I know. I'm staying right here.

 

by Scyess
5-12-05
Hey look! If I put my hands in my pockets like this, my shirt looks like a butt!
This is great! I have an extra butt! Hahahahaha! I'll bet you can't do this, can you? Mr. One Butt! Hahaha!
God, I have no life.
Who are you?

 

by Scyess
5-12-05
Hey you! What do you think you're doing? This is a nudist colony!
...but...
...but nothing! Get naked or get out!
Sir, you are required to cover your genetalia in public. Get some pants or get out.
IS THERE NOWHERE I FIT IN?!

 

by Scyess
5-13-05
If anyone comes around asking for me and talking about extortion or arson...
... or larceny or grand theft auto or murder or rape or pillaging or cannibalism or kidney stealing or drive-by moonings, just tell them I'm not home, okay?
Why are you telling me this? You're having an active day if you change your socks.
Yeah, but I thought we should have a plan just in case I ever get around to that other stuff.

 

by Scyess
5-13-05
Care for some pie?
No, thanks. I'm trying to keep my weight down.
What? You don't need to! Look at you! You're way skinnier than I am.
Just because I'm in better shape than a guy whose gut causes women to gasp in shock and horror doesn't mean I'm not overweight.
*gasp!* *gasp!* *gasp!* "Ew! gross!"
Uh, I was kind of hoping you'd say something like, "You're not really fat, either."
No, you're fat. And I guess your hearing isn't that great, either.

 

by Scyess
5-13-05
Jim, you're into some sick stuff. Would you ever perform cunnilingus on a girl who's menstruating?
Gosh, Jon, I don't know. I usually prefer girls who aren't old enough to menstruate.
You know, Jim, I really should be drunker before I start these man-to-man talks with you.
Is "cunnilingus" the one where you have to rent the penguins?

 

by Scyess
5-13-05
AAAAHHHHHH! It's the stigmata! I see wounds on my hands and feet, just like Jesus'!
You idiot. That's not the stigmata. You're actually being crucified.
Oh.
Yeah.
AAAAHHHHHH! GET ME THE FUCK DOWN FROM HERE!!
If I'd wanted you down I wouldn't've nailed you there in the first place.

 

by Scyess
5-16-05
Pass me another sandwich, will ya? I'm trying to get up past 600 lbs.
Good lord. Why?
It's my new idea. I was thinking that no matter how fat I get, my skeleton remains the same size.
So?
So they'll have to bury me in a huge coffin. Then, 100,000 years from now, archaeologists will dig up my especially huge coffin and figure I was some sort of king or something.
It's good to have a goal in life, I guess.

 

by Scyess
5-17-05
I feel like using silly-sounding words out of context to imply rude meanings. Care to join me?
Are you kidding? That sounds better than having my noodle gophered!
But maybe not as good has having your gopher noodled! That would really wheedle the sasquatch!
Did I ever tell you about the time I frumped this totally bongin' mylar's verlour pickle?
"Care to head somewhere and bungee a few twangs?" "Love to!"
On second thought, maybe I won't introduce you to my roommates.
Hey. No fuzz off my rosin.

 

by Scyess
5-18-05
Dammit, you asshole! Did you fart in here?
I did. But that's in the past, and can't be changed. Let us look towards the future, instead of...
**SLAM!!!**
...dwelling....
Apparently, flatulence trumps fatalism.
It puts a pretty quick end to fellatio, too.

 

by Scyess
5-19-05
I just wanted to go somewhere sunny on vacaton. Not THE Sun! Now all my atoms have been broken down into highly unstable single- and double- proton nuclei!
I know! I'm sorry!
AND I'm missing the season finale of Extreme Makeover!
Look! I said I was sorry!

 

by Scyess
5-21-05
Tell me again WHY I should have sex with you?
Because I'm rich and have a huge penis.
You'd have to be pretty damned rich and huge to get me to have sex with you.
I'm so rich and huge I have to hire a team of midgets to put my cock in you.
I can't tell you what a turn-on that is.
No no no... the midget who handles sarcasm is off today.

 

by Scyess
5-22-05
I think you should use a condom.
But I don't want to use a condom.
So what do you propose we do?
There's got to be something we can use instead. Do you have a bucket?
No! The only thing I have that will work is condoms! So get one ready and let's go!
I can't believe I forgot to bring water balloons to a water fight!

 

by Scyess
5-24-05
What's with the long pants and hoodie? It's nearly summer.
I know, but I haven't started shaving yet.
Shaving? What? You're a girl!
Yeah... girls have to shave their legs and armpits.
No way! That's disgusting... oh, geez... girls with hairy armpits! **BARF**
I've got to stop discussing personal hygeine with virgins of the opposite sex.

 

by Scyess
5-24-05
It's hard, but I'm trying to never blink again.
Why?
~~*blink*~~
Damn!
Because I'm afraid that crazy shit goes on when my eyes are closed.
Wow. Talk about paranoid.

 

by Scyess
5-24-05
My aunt is here for a visit. Did you clean up the bathroom?
I cleaned that mo' fo' for five hours.
Thanks for having me over, dear, but I'm afraid I'm going to have the Health Department napalm your bathroom.
Well, at least it's cleaner. But I was kinda hoping to do better than "immolation" this time.
In only five hours? I'm only one man!

 

by Scyess
5-24-05
Tell me, Professor. Can urine eat through a porcelin toilet?
Absolutely not. It would have to be splattered on there for years without cleaning for that to happen, which is of course impossible. Unless...
...You're not sharing a bathroom with a man, by any chance, are you?
I plead the Fifth.

 

by Scyess
5-25-05
Did you know that humans share 98% of their DNA with chimpanzees?
Really?
Hey, Jon. I've got a date tonight. Can I use the DNA?
Sure, buddy.
Pardon me if you hear some screaming. This isn't the most pleasant process in the world.
Try not to give him the 2% which is in charge of your looks.

 

by Scyess
5-25-05
Dum de do de doo...
~~***SNAP!!!***~~
What the... no way...
Hey, Jon... tell me... you didn't by any chance GET LAID, did you?
I don't know. What would that be like?

 

by Scyess
5-25-05
So I was just sitting there in Hell and suddenly it just froze over! So naturally I thought...
... I got laid?
Well, ya.
No good. Got any other theories?
Don't know. Did Lucas make the new Star Wars seem intelligent to anyone over twelve?
Try again.

 

by Scyess
5-25-05
Hell has frozen over! We have to find out why!
We do? What for?
Uh... because otherwise we wouldn't really have a plot...
So? If Star Wars can do it...

 

by Scyess
5-25-05
Dammit, Jon. We have a crisis here. We have to restore balance to the universe to prevent Armageddon! We can't afford to sit around bashing the new Star Wars movie!
Yeah, you're right...
...but it's just so damned EASY.
Not as easy as replacing character development with special effects, apparently. NO!! MUST... CONCENTRATE...

 

by Scyess
5-25-05
All right. Now that that's over with, let's go prevent Armageddon.
Why do you need me? You're an all powerful demonic subcreature, whereas I haven't even ever kept a job for more than three months.
You know what? You're right. You'd probably just get in the way.
Or you could've said, "No, Jon, I'd love to have your help. Please come with me..."

 

by Scyess
5-25-05
Okay, Satan. Hell has obviously frozen over.
That's true.
So what happened? Did George Bush balance a budget? Did Keanu Reeves win an Oscar? Did Bill Frist become a nudist hippie?
Nah. Someone left the AC on.
We have AC in Hell?
Would you mind talking to me a little further away? Or maybe brushing those tenticles a little more often? Damn!

 

by Scyess
5-25-05
Hey, Jon. Don't worry about that Hell freezing over thing. Satan told me it was just the AC.
Are you sure that's it?
HEY, GUYS! I JUST HEARD THAT A GUY IN DETROIT JUST STOPPED JUNK MAIL FOREVER BY EXPLAINING TO THE COMPANIES IT WAS WASTEFUL AND POLITELY ASKING THEM TO STOP.
Well. I guess Satan is the Prince of Lies.
Wow. I'll bet that whole junk mail thing really cuts into y'all's operations.

 

by Scyess
5-29-05
I bought this diet plan which says its guarenteed to take inches off my waist.
Did it work?
It's a potato peeler.
But at least you can get your money back, right?
I don't know. Anything's better than eating less and exercising.

 

by Scyess
5-31-05
Ah, I love the peaceful chirping of birds in the springtime!
Ya, you would. You don't speak the language.
To you it's peaceful chirping. To me it sounds like the violent rhetoric of the desperate struggle to find food, protect your territory, and find a mate before dying alone and unmourned.
You're not just bitter because you're in a cage, are you?
Are you kidding? You can't get HBO from a nest.

 

by Scyess
6-01-05
You know that wierd feeling you get after sex when you suddenly realize how rediculous it is to be totally naked and lying next to another totally naked person?
NO!
Whoever says nerds aren't fun isn't really trying.
**sob**

 

by Scyess
6-02-05
Lots of people these days are taking up genealogy.
Not me. I knew my parents.
I think you're supposed to go back farther than that.
I know my roots go back 4.5 billion years to the formation of the Earth.
I think you're also supposed to find out all the stuff that happened in between.
Why? I already know the ending.

 

by Scyess
6-03-05
Well... confusing is sort of the status quo around here.
Wouldn't that just make everything confusing?
Seems like it.
Does it work?
I'm testing a device that makes time run backwards.
Hey, Jon. Been working on anything interesting lately?

 

by Scyess
6-03-05
PULL!
*~*BOOM!*~*
Aaaaaahhh!!
HAAAAIIII....
Nice! That's at least a triple. And you thought we couldn't sell a baseball-fishing-kickboxing-skeet shooting hybrid.
Maybe ESPN will pay more if we do it on ice with golf clubs.

Showing page 24.

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