All comics by christopher7murphy

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Duuude! This is the BEST place to see the race! Coooool!
Der, Yeh, and if the cops come...we'll be the first to spot 'em!
Vrooom-SCREECH-RRRRRRRRR-Plop!
My cousin Moe is the best illegal dragster in the whole world. Even the whole county, man! I bet...
Teener-heener Har -Har -Har -snort-
That was so gay.
Yah. Let's go to the zoo and throw things at the tiger.

 

Let me get this straight. You were watching a drag race from the MIDDLE of the road?
Yes. Then some dummy came along and knocked me over this fence with his car!
SIr...I'm afraid you can't press charges.
Well...could you at least give me a hand?
There it is... over there in those bushes.

 

Sir. The accident left you in pieces. I did all I could.
We had to replace your left hand with a fish. I'm afraid you will never play the piano again.
Eh. That's okay...
I really never could 'carry a tuna.'

 

BLAST! Why must I always be so cold!
Maybe because you've been in a FREEZER since 1987?
Curse you Redenbacher! Mark my words, your day will come!

 

What's the deal with edible underwear?
You'll never catch me wearing a red licorice thong.
I don't have the buns for it.

 

All together my cerial and pork filled brothers!
By concentrating hard, we will domininate the mind of that laughable buffoon puttering around the house.
Um? Why did I come to the kitchen again?

 

Welcome to the annual Frozen Meats and World Conquerers Symposium.
This year we have a very special guest speaker...
Ladies and gentelmen... .......WALT DISNEY!

 

At The Annual Frozen Meats and World Conquerers Symposium.
Fellow would-be world conquerers, PLEASE!
If the frozen head of Genghis Khan would please stop arguing with the frozen sperm sample of L. Ron Hubbard.
...and put that down! That's NOT a CremeCicle!

 

Bobby. I have hired a tutor to get you through your high school french class.
Boing!
I want you to keep your hormones in check! Do you understand me?
Yes, mother.
Oboy, oboy! I'm gonna have my very own french tutor!
Honk Honk! Oui?

 

Fuckin' -KABOOOM- helecopter!
tsk-tsk Such language!
by christopher7murphy, 2-19-08

 

* Translation: Do you have 'The Princess Bride' by William Goldman?
(*) Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Go away or I'll call the Brute Squad.
* Translation: What the hell is the matter with you? Do I have to take my business elsewhere?
(*) First things first, to the death.
No. To the pain.
* Translation: Help! I think she sniffed too much ink!
Never go in against a Book Store clerk when death is on the line! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha...
(*) INCONCEIVABLE.

 

We have little Billy on the phone. And Billy wants a popsicle.
A PURPLE one! There's only one left...and I WANT it!
All you have is sixtfive cents and a Captain Carrot comicbook collection.
And a check from Gramma for FIVE whole dollars!
That purple popsicle is mine! DENIED!
Can I have a RED one?

 

Ben Chapman portrayed one of moviedom's most well known monsters of all time.
A creature who brought auquatic terror to the world,
The Creature from the Black Lagoon.
-flush-

 

How did the City Council meeting go?
There's been discussion about changing Elm Street from a two-way street to a one-way.
We debated for over six hours.
What did the committee decide?
We're still divided.

 

What's wrong?
Mom's telling stories about how I peed on the doctor, the nurse, and my grandpa.
Hee hee. Well, moms do that. 'Cides, I bet lots of pediatritions get peed on.
Well...he shouldn't have slapped me.
...Especially when I was driving.

 

You're lucky, Sis. You have fifteen children.
How does that make me "lucky?"
I'll never experience the feelings of becoming a mother.
Hold on. I can fix that.
Billy, go kick your Aunt Jackie in the belly.

 

Where is everyone?
In the kitchen.
So, what's for supper?
Leftovers.
Ham...AGAIN?

 

Sir...did you know your were traveling at warp-9 in a warp-5 zone?
Do you know who I am? I am -hic- Captain MISTER Spoxxx hic!
Sir..have you had a little too much to drink?
I only had one. To -hic- celebrate my captain's prenupt-hic-prenudg-hic-marriage to that green chick.
Sir...I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to come with me.
What?! Is this because of that dead Cardassian hooker? She's a LIAR! That Vulcan liein' bitch!!

 

Boss? I just received SEVEN THOUSAND copies of the new Oprah title.
It's hot, I tell ya! Get them out on the shelves!
But there are so many.
Why don't you come to my office and we'll discuss ways to do your job.
No, I can't. I'm "over-booked."

 

Stumbling across a valley, the Demon Vvarxx comes across Gary Gygax, co-founder of Dungeons & Dragons.
Forsooth, vile demon! Prepare to do battle.
I diagnose you with an inoperable abdominal aortic aneurysm.
Then I cast the Spell of Doctus Malpractus!
I deflect the spell with one stroke of the blazen sword of Brrillltorus!
Lucky 12 sided dice, why do you forsake me? Arrg. Gasp.

 

Yo! Look w'at those mo-fo's brun' to the frizzle! They be snoopin' sorry slaps fo' po!
Frizzle dem skizzle's cap-holes!
Ten-sided dice roll! HA!
Would any of you guys want some Orange Crush?
Mom! We're doing important stuff here!

 

The SC Version of Stalag 13
Colonel Klank! Is it true that Adolph Hitler is making a surprise inspection of the camp?
HOGAN! How do you hear of these things? That is top secret information!
Ohhhh...a little coffee pot told me.
Do you mean you have a radio hidden in the coffee pot?
No...I corn-holed it.

 

H.A.L. : Dave? What are you doing?
Access Monkey Sex.
H.A.L. : I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen.
Override protocol. Access Monkey Sex.
H.A.L. : You have a new credit card, don't ya?
Activate sub-routine Banana Hole. Papa's got a brand new space helmet!

 

Okay....DRAW!
Hold still! You're rotating your gravitons.

 

Quick...the republican party is in trouble! Say the magic words!
"ACCEPTABLE LOSSES!"
Snicker!
Watta stoopid sooper-power.

 

tsk-tsk-tsk! Such a Nasty Story!
Devils, you say? I am Insulted and Injured!
Poor Folk like you deserve your Crime and Punishment.
That's The Dream of a Ridiculous Man! Brother, Karamazov up your Netochka!
Idiot!

 

Miss Krapple. Annie brought a steak knife and handcuffs to school!
Now, Jill! One thing I won't stand for is a tattle-tale! You have detention!
But Annie's gonna DUCK TAPE YOU! And the rest of the class is gonna help.
Jill...It is pronounced "DUCT Tape." You know better than that.
Miss Krapple, can I have your desk chair when you're dead?
Bitch, I want you to write, "I am a little suck-up" on the board fifty times!

 

Do you have that one book by that one guy from the news?
Can you narrow that down for me?
He's bald. Wears a blue suit. Right handed.
Narrow it down a little bit more please.
He hates President Bush.
Democrat or Republican ?

 

arrrrg. Help. Somebody call 911.
What's wrong dearie?
I was shelving a book, and the whole case fell over and is crushing me.
Well...are you going to be long? I want to make a purchase.

 

Tiger, how about a quick game of golf?
Not today. I forgot my lucky golf socks.
What makes them so luckyfor you?
I got a hole in one.

 

Where did you get the kitty?
I won it at the carnival.
How did you win it?
I knocked all the bottles over in one blow!
Impossible. How could you knock them all over with just ONE blow?
I drove.

 

To honor the late great actor, Charlton Heston, is his close personal friend... Dan Durdyape.
I am saddened to lose such a friend, but Charles wouldn't want us to grieve...
So there will be no burial and a luncheon is being provided after the service.
Where we can all share in the bounty Charles brought us...
Soylent Green on a cracker.

 

Today in the news, a man claiming to be recently departed actor, Charlton Heston, ran into the White House screaming, "Soylent Green is people!"
Do you mean -gulp- I'm dead?
Across the city...hundreds of men dressed as Mr. Heston were arrested for storming goverment buildings and tossing quotes at officials.
There's only one thing I can do...
"Let my people go!"

 

♫ Alas, my love, you do me wrong, ♫
♫ To cast me off discourteously. ♫
♫ For I have loved you well and long, ♫
♫ Delighting in your company. ♫
♫ Soylent Greensleeves was all my joy, Soylent Greensleeves was my delight, ♫
♫Soylent Greensleeves was my heart of gold, And who but my Soylent Greensleeves. ♫

 

So what's on the agenda? Another night of television?
Let's see...First it's 'Dr. Who.' Second is 'I'm gonna kick your butt.' Third is 'guess what?'....
eerr...Wait...What was second?
No, no. Second is 'I'm gonna kick your butt!'
FUCK YOU!
THIRD BASE!

 

From Television's Monk: USA Channel.
Ohhh, Dr. Kroger, you were the best psychiatrist I've ever had! What will I do? What will I do? -sob-
Now Monk, don't let this little set back ruin the years of progress dealing with your ...um.. idiosyncrasies..
Friday nights. 9:00 eastern/8:00 central
I'd do anything to have you as my therapist for eternity!
Well...I'd have to pull some strings...and you would have to expect a slight increase on your bill...say ..500%?
Please wash hands before viewing.
-click-
AT LAST.....Peace! (I use to fart on his chair after every session!)

 

I need a coffee...large.. Two sugars, one cream.
Sir...we don't serve coffee here.
Why not? You're a Bookstore, Aintcha?
Screw this place...I got offered a job at BARNES & NOBLE!
Later....
When you're finished cleaning the Barn, I need you to rub my feet.

 

With Tobor, one need not show the actual act of corn-holing.
Tobor no even need to say the word 'corn-holing.'
With Tobor, Tobor's mere presence implies the act of corn-holing.
...And THAT is the beauty of Tobor!
Well, THAT and corn-holing!

 

Heh, heh! You spelled "reefer madness" wrong on that application. -snort!-
That says, "REFERENCES NEEDED!"
Ohhhh..
Then do you know 'Stinky' Pete?

 

Hey...I thought you quit to go work for Barnes & Nobles?
It wasn't what I thought it would be.
-sigh- Maybe I should apply at Borders.
Hault! Do you have any fruits or vegetables on your person?

 

I guess I should be happy working at the Bookstore...but I'm starting to burn out.
Maybe I should try working for Amazon.com.
Could I have of a copy of the newest James Patterson?
NO, male internet shopper! You will be sent a copy of Oprah's newest title! So says Bibliophyllis, Princess of the Amazon.coms!

 

Who are you?
I am the Flying Buttress!
But...but...I'm really not much of a super-hero.
Now don't be your own ARCH-enemy!
Fiend!

 

You're back, again? Didn't like working for Amazon?
No. Guess I have always taken this job for granted.
But while I was there, I did some recruiting. Meet my new Assistant Manager.
I am Bibliophyllis, Princess of the Amazondotcoms! Prepare to be castrated!
No, no. We do it different here.
Ooops. I mean.... Would you like to join our Book Club?

 

I am Bibliophyllis, Princess of the Amazondotcoms!
I bet working in a 'brick and morter' store is a lot different than working an internet store.
Yes. Physically, it is much more demanding. However, being an Amazon, I am able to adapt.
And if you don't stop looking at my breast, I will castrate you!
But I can't help it. You left it in the middle of the break room!

 

She pivots...turns....And Joanie takes the dagger straight to Timothy's eyes!
And you have to like her choice of music.So appropriate and daring. By the way, her gown is ravishing.
... Stay tuned for the ice pick tango. We'll be right back with 'Dancing with the Scars!'
ARRRRGGG! I loves me Tuesday nights!

 

Today in the news, a suicide bomber attacked a local Hollywood cemetary.
There were bodies everywhere!
However there has been no sign of the suicide bomber and it is believed he escaped in the confusion.
Police are looking for leads.
And on the lighter side of the news: Would you believe Bob Hope secretly had FOUR arms, FOUR legs, and TWO heads?
New evidence discovered!

 

You, make man... like me?
No. I make woman... friend FOR you !
-giggle-
No..I kid you! It's just a bagel.
With boobies.

 

Count, how do you sustain such a chocolatey long life?
I like to consume the shit of young virgins.
Don't you mean the 'blood' of young virgins?
Good Lord!
That stuff will rot your teeth!

 

OoOoOooooooo! Mr. Mills, it is I..... Bill Swanson. You killed me!
You cut me up into pieces and processed me to hide the body! Beware my revenge! BEWARE!
I don't like him. Let's resurrect the dead with the great taste of blueberry.
I'll get another temp up here...you grab the Fruit-Brute Dagger.

 

-toot-
la-la-la
-ffffssst-whooosh
oops..heh heh heh
Honey! Were outa' talcum powder!

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