All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
10-21-02
MOSES! MOSES! I NEED YOU TO DO SOMETHING FOR ME! COME TO ME, MOSES!
Is that you, God? What can I do?
The King of Babylon is an extremely evil man. Go out and smite him.
I'll do that, my Lord. Anything else?
Tell my daughters that if they set me afire again, they're grounded without liquor for a week.

 

by kaufman
10-21-02
I'm bored. Let's do something.
Why don't we play the biscuit game?
Sounds good to me.
We don't have a biscuit. What shall we use as a biscuit?
And that's why it no longer exists.
How about that island down there?
Atlantis? Sure. Hope you're hungry!

 

by kaufman
10-22-02
I'd expect this behavior from Judas, but you three? Of all my apostles, you should know better!
But we've done the marketing research. It 's sure to be a big seller.
Our studies indicate that "Jesus' Brother in a Box" would excite people for millennia.
Can I keep the prototype? It's so cute!

 

by kaufman
10-22-02
The Israelites have been righteous. And they have prayed to Me for a blessing on their livestock. So let's go to work. Raphael, you'll take care of the flocks.
Michael, you'll be in charge of the horses and the oxen.
And Gabriel ...
I know, I know. Pink donkey duty again.

 

by kaufman
10-22-02
B-7.
Miss. F-5.
Hit. You sunk my battleship again.
That's 497 wins for me, and 8 for you. New game, you can guess first.
I'm sick of Battleship. Can't we play Stratego for a change?
You know the rules, Jonah. If you want to ride inside me, we play the games I want to play.

 

by kaufman
10-22-02
Relax, Miriam, I know exactly where we're going. I don't need to ask directions.
And that's what happened to the Ten Lost Tribes.

 

by kaufman
10-22-02
ONAN! YOU CUT THAT OUT RIGHT NOW!

 

by kaufman
10-23-02
Fapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfap
.........SPLOOOOOOOOSSSHHHH!.........
Aaaaahhhh.
ONAN! YOU CUT THAT OUT RIGHT NOW!

 

by kaufman
10-23-02
My god! What have the Romans done to you? I have a hammer. Would you like me to get those nails out?
No, I'd like you to hammer all those nails into the lake over thare.
POUND...POUND...POUND...POUND....
Behold, people. I give you holey water!
Praise be!

 

by kaufman
10-23-02
KER-TRANSFORM!
KER-TRANSFORM!

 

by kaufman
10-23-02

 

by kaufman
10-23-02

 

by kaufman
10-23-02

 

by kaufman
10-23-02
Ah, a woman ready to become fallen. Let me help.
Here, sir. Let me turn your water into wine.

 

by kaufman
10-23-02

 

by kaufman
10-24-02
Repent! A time of unrighteousness is coming, and the Temple shall fall.
God shall smite the evil king of Assyria, and our crops will have a generation of plenty!
You are going to be so upset once you discover my chariot has run over your new kitten, though I had to back over it to finish the deed.
I hate you, Prophet Isaiah!

 

by kaufman
10-28-02

 

by kaufman
10-28-02
There's no practice this afternoon. Want to head into town and throw back a few pitchers?
Sorry, I can't. I've got class.
Wait a minute. You actually fell for that gag about the Nebraska Cornhuskers having a university associated with them?

 

by kaufman
10-28-02
Know what I am?
I'm a zit!
Eeew, you busted dozens of capillaries and gave yourself a concussion!
Sure, John Belushi produced clean white pussy discharge, but it was all stuntmen and special effects. If you try that yourself, it will look more like this.

 

by kaufman
10-28-02
If you don't go to college, there are thousands upon thousands of jobs out there for which you'll be well qualified.
I'd like the cheeseburger value meal please.
For here, or to go? And would you like cheese on that cheeseburger?
Get a Bachelor's degree, and the number of available positions dwindles.
Hello, I'd like to interview for a position as a manager at McDonald's.
Was Commencement this weekend? You're our 965th applicant this morning!
But stay on for a graduate degree, and you'll get the big prize. A set of finely tuned talents so esoteric, nobody will have any interest in you whatsoever.
Who? Me bitter?

 

by kaufman
10-28-02
I tawt I taw a wotor tuwbine genewating gwavitons by itself.
Ha, ha.
Sheeeeeeeee....
I did, I did taw a wotor tuwbine genewating gwavitons by itself!

 

by kaufman
10-28-02
Police now say they have definitive evidence that the two men arrested are indeed the Washington snipers.
President Putin, I have good news. CNN says the Amerikanski sniper has been caught.
Wonderful, Ivan. I'll tell the people it's now safe to pump gas.
moh.

 

by kaufman
10-31-02
No, officer, I'm not denying I'm an arms dealer, but you have this all wrong!
********** SALE! 30% OFF
Arrrrrrrr!
BUY 2, GET 1 FREE! ***********
Arrrrrrmmmm

 

by kaufman
10-31-02
Hey, baby, you look uncomfortable. Why don't you take it all off.
All of it? Ok.
Ta-da!

 

by kaufman
11-01-02

 

by kaufman
11-02-02
All right, Mr. Robinson. As we agreed, I'm all cleared out here and ready to vacate.
Indeed, it looks like everything's in fine shape. Hang on just a moment.
Remember me? I was your security deposit.

 

by kaufman
11-02-02
Here's your last box. Thank you for letting Global handle all your moving needs.
Wait a cotton-picking moment. You've brought in nothing but plastic castles and plankton. This is not my stuff!
Are you sure the movers brought us the right packages?
Maybe not, but let's not knock it. Look at the nice chess set!

 

by kaufman
11-04-02
So I says, "Well, ya can't take them rotor turbines with you when it's time to head off."
Ha, ha.
Look, if you want my turbines when I move, why don't you just say so?

 

by kaufman
11-05-02
Hello, I'm here to vote.
Not with that wild beast, you're not!
The regulations are clear. No pets allowed in the voting booths, with the exception of guide dogs, and that, sir, is no guide dog!
But the flier I got was clear: "Come in and cats your ballot."
Roger, that damn spellchecker of yours did it again!

 

by kaufman
11-05-02
1
2
3

 

by kaufman
11-07-02
It's rabbit season! _______________ Rabbit season! _______________ Rabbit Season!
Fuck season! _______________ Fuck season! _______________ Fuck season!
Rabbit season! _______________ Fuck season! _______________ Fuck season!
Rabbit season! _______________ Rabbit season! _______________ Ok, you win, Doc. It's fuck season.
So, you gonna taek me home, or rapp me right now?
heheheheheheh!

 

by kaufman
11-07-02
First we put knives, cheese graters, lemon zesters, etc. into the Jack-O-Lanterns, so that when the kids try to pick them up, their flesh will be shredded.
Next, awful stuff for their goody bags: Oats, hay, sugar cubes. And of course disks for installing stupid Microsoft operating systems on Macs.
And now the coup de grace! I'll make sure all the Republicans get elected!
That's abominable! And so out of character! Where's the pun in that?
Oh, there is none. But you've got to admit it will make their lives absolutely miserable.

 

by kaufman
11-07-02
Third period social studies class
Jenny, can you give us a definition of a third world state?
Yes, Ms. Williams. It's a place where the government has no money, all social services are falling apart, and which has systematic assembly-line butchering of convicts.
The government encourages massive drug cartels who deal in deadly, addictive substances, and now both the people and government prefer to let the transportation network grind to a standstill.
Very good. And can you give us an example of such a place?
Virginia.

 

by kaufman
11-07-02
Ok, class, here's your homework assignment for tomorrow. Make three panel essays on:
Eviction Day, Elixir Day, Electrocardiogram Day, Elvis Affection Day, El Kabong Day, Alex Trebek Day, Hexadecimal Day,
Confection Day, Suggestion Day, Misdirection Day, Eel Action Day, Expression Day, Complexion Day, Bisection Day, and for extra credit, Doris Day.

 

by kaufman
11-10-02
Trick or treat!
Here you go.
Hey, wait a minute. All my candy's fallen out of my bag. Could I have some more?
You're missing the point of the holiday. It's supposed to fall through. That's the fun of it.
Huh?
Why do you think they call it "All Hollow Sieve?"

 

by kaufman
11-11-02
I won't be entering this contest. I've been swamped with thousands of entries to the golf photoshop contest, and have to judge them.
Let's see. Hootie Johnson's head on Pamela Anderson's body .... Tiger hitting the windmill ...
Bill Murray assraping the gopher, ... Haha! This one has to be the winner. A golfer in plain pants, wearing no ads!

 

by kaufman
11-12-02
How it began...
Thanks for shining my shoes, kid.
You bet, mister!
Tell you what: I'll give you a choice. I can pay you, or I can give you this radioactive dictionary.
Wow! I think I'll take the dictionary.
First thing I'll do when I get home is look up "radioactive."

 

by kaufman
11-12-02
A chance encounter as he takes the radioactive dictionary home is a sign of things to come.
Ok, you're not human and not Klingon, and you're certainly not Ewok. Tell me, what are you?
I am a morphosize.
Hi, Mom, guess what? Today I met a morphosize.
What did you say? I was just starting dinner and ...
I said I met a morpho...
OH MY GAWD!!!

 

by kaufman
11-12-02
Thus is born our newest superhero. Infected by a radioactive dictionary, he has been cursed with a canine form, but blessed with an amazing superpower.
For he is armed with the Power of the Word. What he says becomes reality. Sort of. And only he prevents ruthless waves of criminals from overwhelming the city.
BEHOLD PUNDERDOG!

 

by kaufman
11-12-02
Come with me, little girl!
HELP! HELP! I'M BEING KIDNAPPED!
Hark! I hear a young woman in distress.
There's only one thing to do ...
I can't believe it. How did you get her away from that kidnapper without any harm inflicted?
I ran some.

 

by kaufman
11-12-02
S-A-TUR-DAY NIGHT! S-A-TUR-DAY NIG
... at full volume!
WHAT DID YOU SAY? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
HT! S-A-TUR-DAY NIGHT! S-A-TUR-DAY
I SAID OLD MAN ROBBINS HAS BARRICADED HIMSELF IN HIS APARTMENT, AND IS PLAYING HIS BAY CITY ROLLERS ALBUMS AT FULL VOLUME.
CHIEF, SEND OVER 100 NIGHT CRAWLERS. I'LL EAT THEM ALL IN 30 SECONDS.
You did it again, Punderdog. The music's stopped. I can hear myself think. How'd you do it?
You need to read your Guinness. I broke the record!

 

by kaufman
11-12-02
After a long hard day of crimefighting, Punderdog is lying down to finally get some sleep when ...
RING! RING!
Damn it!!
*click*
Hello? Punderdog here.
Listen, there's a tidal wave coming down the canyon toward the city and ... never mind. Sorry to have disturbed you.

 

by kaufman
11-12-02
Teenaged hoodlums are on the streetcorners. We can't get them dispersed!
Great Scott!
NWEEEEEEEEEE-WAAAAAAHH!
Ugh! Bagpipes!
Screw this! I'm getting out of here.

 

by kaufman
11-12-02
Ha! You've fallen into my trap, Punderdog! Now no one can stop me. Guards, take him away!
Excuse me, but if I'm going to be stuck in here for a while, do you mind bringing me 50 pounds of poison ivy plants?
That seems reasonable. Anything to make your stay more miserable.
Huh? It can't be you. You're supposed to be locked up!
I broke out.

 

by kaufman
11-13-02
Cubs champs!

 

by kaufman
11-15-02
Woooooombah!
No, no, no! It sounds like this: Woeohohm.
Excuse me, but I couldn't help overhearing you boys. The proper pronunciation is "womb."
Can you believe that guy?
I bet he's never put so much as 50 cents into a Pac-Man game, let alone heard the sound it makes when eating Clyde.

 

by kaufman
11-15-02
On Level 50 of Sega's Ultra-Doom, you
get attacked by a relentless army of
midgets from the Islets of Langerhans.

 

by kaufman
11-17-02
Grab joint for 50 points
As your lungs fill, you descend to the next level.
You're under arr...OOOOF!
Bong hit! Bong hit! Bong hit! Bong hit! Bong hit!

 

by kaufman
11-17-02
I'm tired. Let's not move at all.
OK.
*T*I*L*T*
I win. Want to try again?
Frankly, I'd rather have my appendix taken out 50 times than play this machine again. Goddamn flippers won't respond to my touch.

 

by kaufman
11-18-02
But Dick, I don't want to go to that boring meeting on fiscal policy.
I thought you wouldn't, Mr. President, so I brought in a virtual reality game for you. You can spend the evening blowing up Iraqis.
Pow! Bam! Boom! Woo hoo! Nice intestines, Mr. Saddam! Hey, I've got nucular weapons ... Let's see what they do...
It's quite an ingenious system, General. Fifty parallel processors of computing power. The President thinks he's playing a video game, but in reality, he's commanding our forces.
Mr. Vice President, Pentagon on line 1. We just nuked Kuwait.

Showing page 24.

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