All comics by Scyess

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by Scyess
7-07-05
That's impressive.
What?
I've heard of people combing over hair from one side to the other to cover a bald spot, but it looks like you've combed your back hair over the top of your head.
You think that's impressive? It's actually my ball hair.
What the hell are you drinking?
Yak testosterone.

 

by Scyess
7-07-05
I like my women like I like my coffee:
Drunk.
...and that's when I shoved her into the giant blender and set it to "liquify."
"Drunk?" I'd've thought you'd've said, "Less than 12 years old".

 

by Scyess
7-07-05
When I was young, I had all the women, the booze, and the wild times, and wanton sex I could get at! But now that I'm old, you know what brings me the most pleasure?
What?
The possibility of a successful bowel movement.
I hope you learn something from all this.
I've learned not to let an old person plan my bachelor party.

 

by Scyess
7-08-05
You're looking snappy today, Jon!
I need to look good for the most important day of my life!
I didn't know anything important was coming up.
Well... it's not, really. But every other day of my life is tied for least important, so any tiny little thing could put me over the edge.
Would breaking the world record for pathos "important"?
Maybe... if I got a gift certificate or something.

 

by Scyess
7-08-05
Do you know why the IRS is auditing you today, Jon?
I assumed it was pure spite.
You listed your house on last year's tax return as a liability.
And it subsequently caused me to get audited. I'd call that a liability, wouldn't you?
I wonder if it's too late to join the circus.
Did they give you that haircut out of spite, too?

 

by Scyess
7-10-05
Hello?
Hi! It's me!
YOU MOTHERFUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! YOU HAVE SOME FUCKING NERVE TO CALL HERE! IF I EVER HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN AND REMOVE YOUR EXCRATORY TRACT WITH A MELON BALLER!
Who the hell was that?
Wrong number.

 

by Scyess
7-10-05
Hello?
Hi there! Guess who?
I KNOW WHO, YOU PARASITIC WORM IN A RHINO'S ASS! HASN'T SOMEONE DROWNED YOUR DEADBEAT ASS IN BORIC ACID YET?
It's your mother, Jon.
Oh. I mean... hi.
And I know you have Caller ID.

 

by Scyess
7-10-05
Hello?
If anyone ever tells me one evening can't ruin your whole year -- or even your whole life -- I now have proof otherwise. I HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL, YOU TURD-SUCKING SACK OF HERPES PUSS! *click*
Who was that?
That was the girl I went out with last night. I should call her back, but I don't want to blow it.
Are you really concerned about blowing it at this point?
Well, yeah... I've never gotten a call after a date before.

 

by Scyess
7-11-05
Hey, Jon. Want to join me in a ride to cure MS?
What? No way.
Why not?
Why not? Those hypocritical MS bastards want us to ride our asses off for them... but do you ever see any of them in this so-called "bike ride"? NO!
Most of them are in wheelchairs.
Also, I think anti-trust laws and the free market will cure MicroSoft in due time.

 

by Scyess
7-11-05
Honey, I'm *hic* home...
This is the 15th night in a row that you've come home late! I've had enough of this shit, I want a divorce!
Please forgive me baby...I swear, I'll make it up to you.
And just how do you plan on doing that?
I'll give you a divorce.
It's more fun to yell at him when he's sober.

 

by Scyess
7-11-05
Honey, I'm *hic* home...
This is the 15th night in a row that you've come home late! I've had enough of this shit, I want a divorce!
Please forgive me baby...I swear, I'll make it up to you.
And just how do you plan on doing that?
I'll leave enough clues so the that police will eventually find your body.
Don't think it will help to start quoting our wedding vows now!

 

by Scyess
7-11-05
Ok, let's finish up this interview with a few questions. Do you smoke?
Nope.
Do you drink?
Sometimes.
Do you vote Republican?
SIR! I AM OFFENDED THAT YOU WOULD IMPLY SUCH A THING!

 

by Scyess
7-11-05
Ok, let's finish up this interview with a few questions. Do you smoke?
Nope.
Do you drink?
Sometimes.
If smoking were a liquid, would you drink it?
My interview book didn't cover this one.

 

by Scyess
7-11-05
Ok, let's finish up this interview with a few questions. Do you smoke?
Nope.
Do you drink?
Sometimes.
Okay. I think that's enough information for me to mercilessly revile on flim for a few years, at least.
Maybe it was a bad idea to grant a two-minute interview to Michael Moore.

 

by Scyess
7-12-05
No, no... a little more pastrami. Yes, a little more. NO! A LITTLE more! Good... now the mayo.
Well done, now just... NO! YOU FOOL! HOLD THE PICKLES! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND JUST, HOLD THE PICKLES!!!
Sir. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to wait outside while I make your sandwich.
I think I sprained something.

 

by Scyess
7-31-05
Bye!
Don't say bye to me while I'm trying to get off the plane! I don't know you! It's awkward! I don't know what to say! I don't want that kind of pressure!!
I think the airline is just trying to make the customers feel good.
Oh, yah. Great job.

 

by Scyess
7-31-05
Oh, Talking Dog! Can you use your gift to tell me why dogs bark at night at nothing, for no reason?
Although I am a dog, I have been granted the intelligence and speech of a human. Ironically, I cannot answer your question, because such behavior is now also beyond my sphere of knowledge.
Then can you tell me what it's like to be able to lick your own balls?
Oh, man! It rocks!

 

by Scyess
8-02-05
Does it look like the support on that highrise is about to give out?
It did, but I duct-taped it yesterday.
What? You men are bizarre. Do you really think duct tape is some sort of catch-all, infallible, unbreakable substance?
Give me a call when you manage to break out of there... or apologize to the duct tape.
This can't possibly be legal...

 

by Scyess
8-03-05
So do you have any questions about your duties as my intern?
A few...
What kind of business is this? Why do we only work at night, and why is your office a deserted alley?
At least he didn't ask about the pants...
And why can I only wear buttless pants?

 

by Scyess
8-03-05
Hi, Mr. Versation. I'm Jon. Do you mind if I just call you Ken?
Um... well... yeah.
I mean, no. Like, yes... I don't not not mind. So, yeah.
For some reason, I thought he'd be more interesting to talk with.
He's not half as boring as my friend Fassi Nating.

 

by Scyess
8-04-05
Hi, Dan.
Hi, Nancy.
And hello there, Rocky!
Wait! Wait! I'm a rabbit!
Things just haven't been the same since Lennon died.
I know. The walls don't even seem that yellow anymore.

 

by Scyess
8-07-05
What the heck is that all over your lips?
I have a new girlfriend who's deaf.
So?
So someone told me she can read my lips, so I had everything I might possibly want to say to her tatooed onto them.
Do you think you'll really ever need to say, "I like my camel steaks with chocolate icing."?
I found out the hard way that the key to lasting relationships with deaf people is to know a tatoo artist you can trust.

 

by Scyess
8-07-05
Hey, Luthor. How's it going?
Bad.
I started taking this stuff to bulk up my frame. But then I was worried about getting fat, so I started taking this other stuff to slim me down at the same time.
I was wondering how your entire body mass got transferred to your head and torso.
Oh, crap. Is it noticeable?

 

by Scyess
8-07-05
No, I don't want to see your impression again.
Aw, c'mon! It's great!
Okay. How about you do Milton Burle?
No, no. This one's great. You're gonna love it! Guess what it is! Ready?
Pac-Man Messiah.
Pac-Man Messiah!

 

by Scyess
8-07-05
Hey, main. You gon ta chan du bus on time inda mo nang?
I'm sorry! I don't understand what you're saying! I swear I'm not a racist! I absolutely cherish black people! I just don't understand your dialect! But I'm a good person! Please don't hate me!
I think you probably could've handled that better.
Are you kidding? It took me forever to figure out what to say in that situation.

 

by Scyess
8-07-05
So what do you do for a living?
I fix bugs all day.
Well, I guess that's one solution to population control, but instead of going to all the trouble to sterilize the insects, why don't you just squash them?
No, I mean I work on a computer.
I wouldn't expect you be able to neuter a bug by hand!
I'm tempted to find out if I can neuter you by hand.

 

by Scyess
8-10-05
The warranty was worded a bit wierd, so I asked the sales guy about it, but he didn't know. So I asked him about the rebate.
mm.
He just mumbled something disinterestedly. So I blew up his head and found the girl who actually worked in that department.
mm.
Wait... WHAT did you do?
I know. He didn't even tell me it wasn't his department! Minimum wage people, I guess.

 

by Scyess
8-12-05
So why the heck do all your shirts look exactly the same?
They don't. I just wear one until it gets dirty.
Does that mean you've been wearing that shirt since we met three years ago?
Well, yeah. But since I have on an undershirt, it's technically never dirty dirty.
So you just change your undershirt?
Well, since no one can see it, anyway...

 

by Scyess
8-12-05
I can't believe you haven't changed clothes in three years!
THAT IS NOT TRUE! YOU'RE PUTTING WORDS INTO MY MOUTH!!!
But you just said you haven't changed your shirt since you've known me!
Yeah, but I've only known you for two years.
She doesn't get it. It must be a man thing.
I don't think getting regular calls from the EPA about your socks is a common trait among men.

 

by Scyess
8-12-05
I can't believe you talked me into this.
You haven't changed clothes in two years! You need new ones!
Fine, fine. Just get a sales associate over here...
They all fear your lack of hygine. They've sent a trained monkey to help you in their place.
All right! All right! I get the hint already!!
Can I interest you in something disposeable?

 

by Scyess
8-12-05
Sir! Sir? Sir!
What?
Perhaps you would care to put your shirt back on?
How am I supposed to try on clothes if I can't take off my shirt?
Perhaps I can interest sir in a shower and a bottle of chlorine bleach?

 

by Scyess
8-12-05
Okay. I got some colorful new clothes, hit the tanning salon, and took a bath. Ready for the new me?
Yeah! Let's see it!
Tah-dah!
Did I, uh, mention the bath involved lots of bleach?
Lots of people remove their clothes for a bath.

 

by Scyess
8-12-05
Sorry for the strong smell. I'm soaked in bleach.
What?! You idiot! Get out of here!
I don't think I should... GAH!
You'll ruin everything!
Well, there goes the background! I hope you're happy.
Shit.

 

by Scyess
8-31-05
How about this one, Bert?
I'M SORRY! I JUST DON'T LIKE BOB DYLAN!!! I FIND HIS MUSIC WHINY, REPETATIVE, AND UNCREATIVE!!!!
I... I'm sorry. I don't know where that came from.
Kill the infidel!!!

 

by Scyess
9-07-05
Hey, Jon! I saw you with your blond girlfriend the other day. She's pretty hot.
You mean... you can... see her, too?
Of course I can see her.
You mean... my girlfriend is real! I can't belive it! all this time I thought it was just my imagination! I'm so happy!
I think I just heard your face fall when you came in. Is it because the rent is late?
I think I just had an epiphany.

 

by Scyess
9-07-05
Dammit, Jon! You shrank my new pants in the wash, didn't you? I'm going to make you buy me another pair!
But... I...
Hey... why do none of these size fours fit...?
...don't....
One word about my weekly trips to Häagen-Dazs and you are a dead man.
... DO... laundry!

 

by Scyess
9-13-05
Ahh... there's nothing like curling up with a good book at the end of the day!
You know, many people prefer the touch of other humans to that of inanimate objects.
If you piss off Dorian Gray, you're in for one hell of a paper cut, buddy.
At least he isn't courting the vacuum cleaner anymore.

 

by Scyess
9-13-05
I'll only go out with you if you take me somewhere nice.
Like an opera, or a silent auction, or a concert, or even a movie.
In other words, anything where I won't be able to talk to you.
That's what I meant by "nice."

 

by Scyess
9-21-05
Dammit! Stop sending me so many damned e-mail forwards!
But it's my way to say, "I'm thinking of you!"
Well, what it really says is, "I don't think much of your intelligence."
Well, yeah. That too.

 

by Scyess
9-22-05
In order to stimulate the economy, the administration passed a law today making it legal to sue people for being stupid.
Hey, Jon. Where are you going in such a hurry?
I've got to go see if I can strike up a conversation with a stranger at Denny's.
I couldn't possibly have heard that right.
Jon just told me you're late with the rent, so I should talk to you. Do you know what that means?

 

by Scyess
9-22-05
I've just found out how to cross the genes of a cow, a chicken, and pinto beans. Want to know how?
Actually, I want to know why.
I created an animal you can throw straight through a grinder into the microwave and get an instant burrito.
Why not add in a cat, too, and get instant Sesame Chicken?

 

by Scyess
9-23-05
Ha! I'll bet those bastards who bought Hummers are really regretting it now that gas prices are so high.
Actually, I doubt anyone who buys an $80,000 car cares much about having to fork over an extra twenty bucks every week or so.
Or were you just trying to use your self-righteous dislike of SUVs to console yourself about being so poor?
I swear I don't know why I talk to you.
Maybe because when you do, at least one of us understands what you're talking about.

 

by Scyess
9-23-05
I'm reporting here from yet another town yet another hurricane is about to devistate.
The only thing that's happening is pretty much what you'd expect: strong winds and a lot of rain. Not really more than fifteen seconds of information that qualifies as "news".
Nevertheless, I'm going to risk my life to stand here and tell you the same thing for the next three hours because for some reason, you'll watch it, you mindless TV-dependent gits.
Do something, Bernie! He's leaking our strategy!

 

by Scyess
9-27-05
Nice to meet you, Jon. My name's Wayne.
Really? Ooo... ouch! Sorry.
Apparently, giving your opinion of someone's given name is a lousy ice breaker.
Try limiting your comments to their physical shortcomings.

 

by Scyess
9-30-05
Wanna go grab some food?
Sex is like food, and I'm starving.
Sex is not like food.
If it were, I'd be an emaciated corpse.
For one thing, the taste is completely different.
If sex were unwanted body hair, I'd be a Nair commercial.

 

by Scyess
10-05-05
We interrupt this program for a news bulliten: The Catholic Church may issue a decree banning gays from being priests.
Why is it that the Catholic church is the only religion that makes the news whenever they do anything? Is the media just on autopilot?
Or is it really that the things the Catholic church does just happen to be more newsworthy and significant?
We interrupt this program for another news bulliten: The Catholic Church may issue a decree that the salad fork will now be to the right of the dinner fork.
...or is the media just on autopilot?

 

by Scyess
10-05-05
The Catholic Church today banned gays from becoming priests.
Given the Church's long-standing anti-gay stance, this unexpected move naturally came as an extreme shock everyone in the world.
The ban was followed by rumors of a new decree to ban Jews from serving as priests.
NOW THAT'S JUST PLAIN DISCRIMINATORY!!

 

by Scyess
10-05-05
Oh, no! We're sinking! I thought this thing passed the safety inspections!!
Oh, sorry. I think it was me.
WHAT??
Yeah, my lips fell off last night and I didn't retrieve them in time. I guess they must've chewed through the hull.
Well, I guess this does go to show you it's true what they say...
...never go on a cruise with an idiot.

 

by Scyess
10-05-05
We are discussing whether the American people want a Hillary Clinton who is strong on Iraq or critical of Bush's policies. Our next caller is Jon. Jon, what do the American people want?
Well, Lucius, I'll tell you what the American people want...
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WANT TO STOP BEING PORTRAYED IN BLANKET CATCH-ALL GROUPS BY THE IDIOT MEDIA!!!
So you're saying they'd rather be portrayed in blanket, catch-all groups by idiots who call TV talk shows?
Yes! Much.

 

by Scyess
10-08-05
Hey, Jon. Would you say I'm getting fat?
No, not really.
The use of the present participle sort of implies that you're not fat already, which obviously is not the case.
Thanks. You're a real confidence builder.
Now, if you'd asked me twelve years ago...

Showing page 26.

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