All comics by ivytheplant

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by ivytheplant
3-29-06
In the Safeway parking lot...
*SCREEECH!*
Whoa, glad I hadn't made it to my car yet...
NICK! DON'T YOU GO IN THE STORE YET! GET BACK HERE! ALL OF YOU! DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE!
Oh good, an enraged soccer mom blocking entry into my car.
YOU LITTLE SHITS! I TOLD YOU TO GET BACK HERE!
Hey look, she has the 60 Second Anger Management book on her dashboard.

 

by ivytheplant
3-29-06
Well, to fulfill this new university "diversity" requirement I'm stuck with taking Women's Studies.
Maybe there will be some hot lesbians in the class.
I had four years of Home Ec. I don't need anymore Women's Studies!
I dare you to say that on the first day of class.

 

by ivytheplant
3-30-06
"I can feel it. It's coming through my back!"
"Uh! Uh! Oh!"
"Why do they always come through my back?"
Why am I so turned on?

 

by ivytheplant
3-31-06
You know how in sitcoms there's a pissed-off woman and invariably, her husband will make a comment about her being a bitch because she's PMSing or on her period...
But that only makes her more angry and she proceeds to make the husband's life a living hell and wacky hijinks ensue and in the end the woman is always right and the man is always a bumbling moron?
What women won't admit is that it IS hormones making them bitchy and more prone to emotional outbursts. They just get mad because they hate the fact that there's something beyond their control...
...affecting their behavior so drastically and they get even more angry when people notice it because they hate that people have noticed.
Once I realized this, I became a much happier person.
They're really going to love me in Women's Studies next semester.

 

by ivytheplant
3-31-06
Yahoo messenger...
"[22:24] withering_ivy: bwha ha ha so you thinks you can hide in the forest?"
What the hell?
"[22:33] withering_ivy: hello [22:33] withering_ivy: hello [22:33] withering_ivy: hello [22:34] withering_ivy: hello [22:34] withering_ivy: hello [22:34] withering_ivy: hello" (repeat 10 more times)
Christ, the psycho bitch is clueless, as usual.
"[22:37] withering_ivy: oh well bye bye little kitty, ummmm big girl....good girl lick the ice cream"
For the love of god, that better not be a euphamism...

 

by ivytheplant
4-01-06
I'm carrying four knives!
I'm carrying five.
Oh, wait. Six. I forgot the claw knife on my keys.
Marry me.

 

by ivytheplant
4-02-06
1979
Crap, are those my parents?
I bet she'll be a genius! Let's push her in school to achieve!
Looks like a bologna loaf...
Meet your little brother.
June 1984 - September 1997
Poo.
Note to self: mail him to Pluto.

 

by ivytheplant
4-02-06
Fall semester 1997
I'm from Croatia! You Americans think your country is soooo old, but it's not! Europe is soooo much older than you!
You're talking age to a geology major.
You Americans have such big cars! You really don't need anything bigger than a Citroen!
Have you looked at a map of the country lately?
Well, how big can this country be? 500 miles across?
No, 500 miles is what we drive to our weekend getaway on the other side of the state.

 

by ivytheplant
4-02-06
Fall semester 1997
I don't understand why your cars are so big. Vacations are like 50 miles away, right?
50 miles is the daily commute of a large percent of the population. 150 miles is when you go visit someone for a night. 500 miles is a weekend getaway.
1000 miles is a week vacation. 4000 if you visit relatives on another coast.
Silly roomie! There's no such thing as 1000 miles!
Me Ivy, you moron.

 

by ivytheplant
4-02-06
Fall semester 1997
There's no reason for cars that big!
I understand that people who stay in large cities and drive SUVs can be excessive, but it's nice on long trips when I have to carry a lot of travelling gear.
You can always take an airplane!
Sure, after I spend $500 on a ticket, I'm sure I'll have $200 for a rental car or it will be even easier to walk 150 miles from the airport to where my family lives!
You're trying to trick me. There's no such thing as an airport more than 50 miles away from someone's house.
I thought Europeans were supposed to be smarter than Americans.

 

by ivytheplant
4-02-06
Spring semester 1998
Both our roommates hate us, so while I was in class, they moved me in here.
It's a good thing we're friends already, Abra.
I'm going to learn to juggle!
Interesting...
Using balls are for wimps. I'm going to go straight to knife juggling even though I still don't have the basics down!
This is going to be a long semester...

 

by ivytheplant
4-02-06
Spring semester 1998
*thunk!* OUCH!
I sense doom...
I accidentally stabbed myself in the head. The knife kind of stuck in.
I'll go get the RA and we'll get first aid or something.
NO! Take a picture! This is cool!
*sob!* It's only February!

 

As God as my witness, I will never again live with my parents...
*Nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag*
by ivytheplant, 4-02-06

 

All blessed year...
My own room. All alone. With just my plants!
Grargh.
by ivytheplant, 4-02-06

 

by ivytheplant
4-02-06
Hey Ivy, do you think you could stop shaving your legs in the shower. It clogs the drain.
Look you jackass, I do it every two days, so the amount of hair is miniscule. You, on the other hand, grow hair like the south grows kudzu.
I don't see the connection.
Did it occur to you that you (and the other three guys who live here) might have more to do with a clogged drain than me?
You have different parts so we fear you. Why haven't you done the dishes yet?
I did my dishes. The bowls and pans that have been in the sink since before I moved in aren't my problem.

 

by ivytheplant
4-02-06
Ivy, my friend and his girlfriend are moving in and living on the porch rent-free. But Jake is moving out so you need to help cover his rent.
Fuck you.
Excuse me?
Seriously. Fuck you. I'm moving out early.
Oh. But we still expect you to pay the other guy's rent even though two other people aren't paying rent at all.
Trust me. You don't want to push this.

 

by ivytheplant
4-02-06
Fall semester 1999
So...I already know you both and we get along, so sharing an apartment will be good I think.
We're vegans!
Eating honey is wrong! It oppresses the bees!
But you wear leather shoes.
Meat is murder!
For the next year, we plan on making you miserable and so paranoid that you will be too afraid to sneak out for a burger!

 

by ivytheplant
4-02-06
Spring semester 2000
What are you cooking?
It smells like death.
It's tuna noodle casserole.
You are an agent of death. You are part of the Evil Empire.
We're calling Kerstin, the other blonde, vegan roommate of ours who's abroad this semester in Sweden and we're telling her about you.
YOU WEAR LEATHER SHOES!!

 

by ivytheplant
4-02-06
Katie...
I'm going to get a glass of water!
That sure was good! Now I'm going to get a completely different, clean glass and put water in it and put this used glass on the counter!
I'm going to do this all fucking year because I'm a fucking moron who has no idea how to share space with others!

 

by ivytheplant
4-02-06
Katie...
I moved into this place in August and I don't plan on unpacking so much as a suitcase for the next year!
I also plan on cooking macaroni and cheese with protein crumbles and then saving the nasty concoction in plastic sandwich baggies that ooze all over the fridge!
I also plan to figure out when my roommates have exams so I'll be sure to have loud parties the night before!

 

by ivytheplant
4-02-06
Kerstin...
I want to get a kitten that bites!
One week later...
The kitten bit me! I hate it!
I whine ALL the time. So much, in fact, that I'll show up in a later comic in this series and earn the eternal hatred of Ivy forever!

 

by ivytheplant
4-02-06
Melissa...
I'm better than anyone else!
I'm going to make sure Ivy doesn't forget!
With any luck, I'll have her self-esteem in the toilet by the end of the year!

 

by ivytheplant
4-02-06
I'm all alone for the summer. My coworkers that I share an apartment with, while being very cool, work nights so I'll never see them.
A whole summer without those vegan twits!
I just moved in. I'm a vegetarian, but I have no problem with you eating meat. I believe in personal choice.
Are you my imagination?

 

by ivytheplant
4-02-06
Well, this summer has been fun out in Wyoming. Too bad I'll have to move back in with those morons.
At least it's nice to know I have a home to go back to. That's why I've been paying my share of rent and utilities this WHOLE summer to MY TRUSTWORTHY ROOMMATES!
We got ourselves evicted soon after you left. We've been keeping the rent money you've paid and changed the utilities over to your name. They're all past due. Your credit is shot now.

 

by ivytheplant
4-02-06
You also overpaid your share of the phone bill this whole time. We charged you for our long-distance calls to Sweden.
We also decided to help ourselves to the stuff of yours that we like. The rest of your belongings are still in the apartment.
I trust you can come up with money for a plane ticket here, as well as renting a moving truck, storage unit, and can take time off your government job to do all this?
I have never wanted to kill anyone so badly.

 

by ivytheplant
4-02-06
...and that's how I ended up living in Wyoming. I just had nowhere else to go.
So...why am I in one of these "Crazy People I've Lived With" comics?
Boorite, I can honestly say you're the best roommate I've ever had.
Looking at your comics, that's not exactly a compliment.
I'm horny.
I forgot what we were talking about.

 

by ivytheplant
4-02-06
Why are you guys closed? The sign says you're open til 10pm.
Not on Sunday. We close at 9pm on Sunday.
Then why isn't it on the sign?
We assume you already know.
How would I know? I never come here.
We figured you gringos think you know everything anyway.

 

by ivytheplant
4-02-06
Here's an idea, tell the owners to put a sign on the damned door that tells you close at 9pm on Sunday!
I am the owner.
You're Mexican, right?
Si.
And this laundromat is called the "Spic N Span?"
You know how many times we've heard that fucking joke?

 

by ivytheplant
4-06-06
High heels cause a lot of scarring on your feet. We'll tell you how to make your feet look and feel better!
Other than not wear torture devices?
What I expected to hear...
Wear more comfortable shoes or at least wear tennis shoes when rushing to work, and change to heels later!
What they ACTUALLY SAID!
Get plastic surgery to remove the scarring so your feet will look pretty and you can once again wear your heels!
Holy shit! I've encountered a new level of moronicism!

 

by ivytheplant
4-06-06
Meow.
Lily, you have to move. I'm going to take a shower.
Meow.
Okay, you asked for it. I'm turning the water on.
"REEOORRW!"
I'm going to hell for that...

 

by ivytheplant
4-06-06
I'm going to the grocery store.
Okay. Maybe I'll finish my cattle mutilations while you're out.
The show about cattle mutilations.
That's what I thought, but you did just get a bunch of new knives.
There's a knife test I hadn't thought of...

 

by ivytheplant
4-06-06
Ssssssssss
Rrrrrrrrrr
SsssSSSSSSSSSS
RrrrrrrrRRRRRRRR
Awwww, look at the wittow kitties!
*hiss spat scratch*

 

by ivytheplant
4-08-06
Friday night...
Let's make a deal. If you do your homework tomorrow, I'll work on the house.
Okay.
But if you goof off, I'm going to be goofing off too.
Uh-huh.
Saturday...
It's 7pm. I've done nothing.
I made fellatio jokes in the chatroom!

 

by ivytheplant
4-09-06
Before the Human Torch got a handle on his powers, do you think he ever lost control and ejaculated fire?
And did Bobby Drake have the same problems only with ice?
Marry me.

 

by ivytheplant
4-09-06
Math is awesome! Math is cool!
I'm in hell.
Don't do drugs and you'll be popular!
I need some acid.
School rules! YAY-uh!!
I'm dropping out and becoming a prostitute.

 

by ivytheplant
4-10-06
WOW! I can't believe that! Yeah, uh-huh, yeah. Holy crap!
Ahem...
Hang on! I said, HANG ON!
Why did you put your sunglasses on?
When the entire world stares at you in annoyance, I want to protect myself from the glare.

 

by ivytheplant
4-13-06
I need to make an appointment to see the dentist.
We can get you in today at 2:30.
Hello?
Could you schedule me for a time that sounds a little less like a joke from the 60's?
2:32?

 

by ivytheplant
4-15-06
6PM *RING! RING!*
Mmfhuh hello?
Were you sleeping?
Yeah, I didn't get much sleep last night. I was up late...
...
Having sex.
ARGH!!

 

by ivytheplant
4-15-06
There's a naked girl in my bed.
La la la!
Hey, what the hell--?
"Meow!"
I think I touched a cat foot.
Wrong pussy!

 

by ivytheplant
4-18-06
Yay! My swords came today! I got you one!
Yay! My comics came today! And the mug you've been wanting that I got for you!
It's like Christmas!
But in April!
Hey look, it's snowing...

 

by ivytheplant
4-28-06
My body...
I'm tiiiiired! I need a naaaap! Go to bed already!
My stomach a few hours later...
I'm huuuungry! I need foood! Feeeed meee!
"Oh, I'm tired! I'm hungry!" Well if you had woken me up half an hour earlier, supper would be ready by now you whiny bitches!
Are you talking to your organs?

 

by ivytheplant
5-03-06
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omg wtf bbq
ENGLISH
ur from space
ENGLISH
sean connery lewl

 

by ivytheplant
5-06-06
Coming the Fall to CBS: The story of one man who dared challenge the corruption on Capitol Hill...
The story of one man who wreaked havoc across the land for truth, justice, and the American way. Get ready for...
The Samurite!
Lozl

 

by ivytheplant
5-08-06
I'm going to eat cock.
*twitch*
You know I was talking about the rice krispie treats, right?
Let me have my fantasies.

 

by ivytheplant
5-10-06
Not making this up...
You seem to have a defect in your tooth that's hypersensitive.
Yeah, brushing is like stabbing myself in the eye.
Don't worry, we'll be careful when dealing with it.
Whew! I thought it would be torture.
I need the sandblaster and a vial of acid, stat!
Please let that be his drug habit...

 

by ivytheplant
5-13-06
The baseboard heater in here is running full blast, won't shut off, and there's no control knobs anywhere.
I'll go flip all the breakers and tell me when it goes off.
How about now!?
Nope.
Okay, the power is off to the whole house!
It's still running.

 

by ivytheplant
5-13-06
Well, if we can't get the heater off, we can open a window for ventilation.
All the windows are caulked shut.
Cock.

 

by ivytheplant
5-13-06
I need a box of Sudafed.
You'll have to show your I.D. and sign for it.
Whatever, just gimme.
Why are you so eager? Are you making meth? I don't think I should sell you this.
I will sneeze on you if that's what it takes. *cough cough* I have avian flu.
ARGH! Take them all! Just get away from me!

 

by ivytheplant
5-14-06
*sniff* Someone in the neighborhood is cooking a roast.
I can't smell anything.
I'm like a shark.
A shark for meat?
A meat shark.
...

 

by ivytheplant
5-14-06
I finally got a window open.
Let me at it!
Why are you sniffing the window?
Fresh air! It's been so long! *SNIIIIIIF!*
I smell birds out there. I must plan my escape!

Showing page 28.

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