All comics by Scyess

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by Scyess
1-17-06
Do you think I talk too much?
Let's just say that someone who talks exactly as much as you, but says interesting things, would not be talking too much.
I have to admire your diplomacy skills.
Oh... were you still saying something?

 

by Scyess
1-17-06
Then the shopkeeper said, "Dadblameit, looks like we're plumb out of hatchets." Verbatim, just like that.
I said, "Mister, I didn't know people still talk that way. I wish I had the time to explore more of your delightful linguistic anomolies over a tall glass of lemonade."
Of course, the upshot was without a hatchet, I had to chew the body apart with my teeth.
Good thing twelve-year olds are small.

 

by Scyess
1-18-06
My date will be here any minute, but I'm nervous. Any advice?
You'll be fine. Just don't eat a block of onion garlic cheese or anything.
You're kidding.
It was on sale!

 

by Scyess
1-20-06
Hi. I'm here for the Procrastination Club meeting.
Sorry. That meeting's been postponed.
When did that happen? Did you send a notice?
Well, I meant to...
You ass! You know what you can do with your stupid club?
No, but I'm pretty sure it won't get done for a while.

 

by Scyess
1-21-06
For breakfast I had a 100% organic Braeburn apple turnover made with unbleached wheat and turbinado caramel sauce.
For lunch I'm having an organic eggplant katsu sandwich dipped in free-range chicken egg yolks and deep fried in 100% extra virgin oilve oil.
When did health food become so unhealthy?
...and I did so well on my diet today, for dinner I'm going to really pig out!

 

by Scyess
1-24-06
Tragic. The good ones always die young.
He didn't deserve to go so soon.
And such a horrible end... crushed by a falling ceiling.
It's unfair. I feel so guilty; it should've been me.
Christ... it's like y'all've never lost a little dragon guy in Bubble Bobble before.
Quiet, woman! We're in mourning!

 

by Scyess
1-24-06
Hi, Sam. What's new?
What's new? I grew a 34th tentacle! How could you not even notice?
Gimme a break! I can't notice everything. It's not like you noticed my new tie.
You haven't had a new tie since February 23rd, 1984.
Uncanny.
Men! I swear I don't know why I make myself pretty for you at all.

 

by Scyess
1-26-06
I've given up on love, doc. Can you give me a prescription for a substitute?
Have you tried lust.
First thing. But it's just as frustrating. Got anything not over-the-counter?
Well... I could have you join a brainwashing cult, but that's a little extreme just to avoid romantic frustration, don't you?
Hail, brother!
For the last time, dipwad... this is a cult, not an RPG.

 

by Scyess
1-26-06
What's new, Earl?
I found religion.
Really? Where was it?
It was behind the bathroom sink this whole time! I found it because of the smell.
That it explains the rumor that you shit incense.
No, that's because I shove roses up my ass.

 

by Scyess
1-26-06
Hey, Jon. What's new?
I've been born again!
What the... When did that happen?
Last night. People aren't taking it very well. Especially Mom.
Well, you're a lot bigger now than the first time you were born.
By the way, what's the best way to get seminal fluid out of a tie?

 

by Scyess
1-29-06
It's disgusting how parents these days use TV to mollify their kids into being quiet.
...and just what would you recommend as an alternative?
Chloroform.
Chloroform, of course.
Everything's always chloroform with you.
Well, heroin's too expensive.

 

by Scyess
1-30-06
I think I've gained, like, seven pounds.
Bummer.
Meanwhile...
A bomb just killed all 37 of my children.
Bummer.
If this keeps up I might have to give up eating chips in front of my 50" flat-screen.
Yep. Life is hard.

 

by Scyess
1-30-06
These Americans sit from the comfort of their own country and criticize what we do. Heathen pigs!
Now, now, Abdul.
Don't fall victim to the mass-hysteria. Although Americans are different from us, I'm sure they share the same concerns with us that all people on this planet have.
Wow... I really need to get me a 60" flat screen! Who's that guy on it?
I think that's the president.

 

by Scyess
1-30-06
Our lives are miserable and dehumanized.
They are.
Let's stop worrying about what other people have and unify our people and work together with what we've got to build a safe and prosperous society.
Haha! Just kidding! Let's blow up some Israeli kids.
You got me, Abdul! For a second I thought I was going to have to jihad your ass.

 

by Scyess
1-30-06
I've decided to spend a lot more time trying to find my real dad.
It might take a long time and a lot of work, but I'm willing to see it through to the end just so I can meet him.
30 minutes later...
He wasn't at home.
Just wait 'til tomorrow. You're having lunch with him at 12:30.

 

by Scyess
1-31-06
Assir, I can't seem to get our insurrection going.
Don't worry! We shall pool our last $800 to build bombs and recruit martyrs.
Meanwhile...
Doc... I can't seem to get an erection going.
Dont' worry! Phizer's spent $800 billion to put the prickliness back in your prick.
Have you assembled our militia?
Yes! We must not fail! If this time we again cannot raid the US Army's Viagra storehouse, my wife's going to jihad my ass.

 

by Scyess
1-31-06
Hey, Assir. Can I borrow a few dinars for some goat stew and filafil?
How much do you already owe me, Abdul? Don't make me jihad your ass.
What's up with the "jihad your ass" thing? It sounds kind of dumb, but you say that all the time.
If you want your dinars you will admit to Allah and the world the rapier sharpness of my blitzkrieg wit.
Forget it. They're hiring across the street, anyway.
Ooo... your ass is as good as jihaded!

 

by Scyess
2-06-06
Excuse me... I just woke up after 100 years of hibernation. How did the world get destroyed? WWIII? Terrorists? Environmental disaster?
No... Some fool tried to be cute one February...
To correct the misnomer, this year's Super Bowl will be replaced by an actual celebrity bowling match.
WHAT THE MUTHER FUKING PICE OF SHIT ASSHOEL CUNTGRABBING SNOT FLOSISNG BASTERD SHITBITCH!!!! TO ARMS!!!!!!!
I should've stayed asleep.
Those bastards. I had $100 riding on Pittsburgh.

 

by Scyess
2-06-06
What the... what happened... where am I...?
Excuse me... I'm confused. I woke up and civilization gone. There's nothing but this desolate wasteland. What happened? How long was I out?
Just the night. Your flight was delayed and you had an overnight layover in Pittsburgh.
Oh. Right!

 

by Scyess
2-06-06
I can't stand people. They're all self-centered, crass, pathetic losers who aren't worth the carbon they're made of.
Feeling a little misanthropic today, are we?
Aw, shit girl! That cold! Why you gotta be hatin'?
Sorry.
So, anyway. Yeah. Why are humans so miserably worthless?

 

by Scyess
2-06-06
Holy crap! I just heard the Earth will be destroyed in 30 days!
Oh, shit! What should we do?
Uh... game of Bubble Bobble?

 

by Scyess
2-06-06
Wait... Why will the world be destroyed in 30 days?
I don't really know. Something about nukes or earthquakes or something.
What? Tell me!
I think you're just delaying because I was totally kicking your ass in Bubble Bobble.

 

by Scyess
2-06-06
What the hell are y'all doing?
Playing Bubble Bobble.
Don't you know the world's going to END in thirty days?
...and you came to spend your last hours in my sweet yet strong embrace?
Ha. I got to a million points before you.
No fair using extra energy from pent-up sexual frustration.

 

by Scyess
2-06-06
This just in! New information reveals the world is NOT going to end in twenty days!
HOORAY!
Hahaha! Just kidding, suckers! You all suck. I never liked you. Pthltltltlth!
The network news guy's getting uppity.
A sure sign of the apocolypse! Quick! Plug in the PS2!

 

by Scyess
2-06-06
Samantha. I should've known you'd be behind the world's destruction.
Yeah, but we cancelled it.
Good. Any particular reason?
We did it for the ad revenue, but everyone went with the Super Bowl instead.
And so once again, professional football proves itself invalueable to society.
Christ. Even when you've just been pulled from the brink of oblivion you're a nerd.

 

by Scyess
2-10-06
heh heh heh... uh oh.
**CLUNK** ZzzZZZzZzZzZ
What the... who's this guy sleeping with unpaid-for stuff in both his hands?
Next time, on The Adventures of Clive the Ambidexterous Narcaleptic Kelptomaniac...
Hey, kid. Why'dja do it?
Why? I'll tell you why... because I'm Clive the Ambidexterous Narca-... ZzzZZZzZzZzZ

 

by Scyess
2-11-06
You look happy.
I found some gum in Sanna's room. It's super chewy and tastes great!
Hey, guys. Have you seen the box of flavored condoms I had around here?
Don't worry, Jon. You're not the first guy whose happiness was based on latex and spermicide.
Well, it still tastes great.

 

by Scyess
2-11-06
Your roommate chewed the box of flavored condoms thinking it was gum?
Yeah, and he refused to stop. But I got my revenge.
AAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Gee. That looks fairly painful.
I've never heard of wasabi-flavored condoms before.
That's not half as wierd as the sushi-flavored condoms.

 

by Scyess
2-13-06
What's wrong?
I found out my parents are fighting again.
That's tough. Why don't they get along?
They get along fine. But they're back on the professional tag-team kickboxing circuit.
Well... your mom does throw a mean uppercut.
But what if they won't let her take her walker into the ring?

 

by Scyess
2-13-06
I'm here to pick up Jon. Is he ready?
I never know how to tell people this kind of news... so I hired a professional to do it for me.
He's dead, Jim!
Jon died from a receeding cuticle?
No, but hardly anyone dies anymore and that guy costs a fortune.

 

by Scyess
2-14-06
Contestant #1: We've just had a great time at the park. You lean over to kiss me but I tell you I don't kiss on the first date. What do you do?
Oh, that's easy. I go home and brag to my friend Cowdjinn that I amost kissed a girl!
You'd like him. He's a pink cow that lives in my closet.
You were SOOOO WRONG about mentioning you!
Don't look at me. They must've given you a defective woman.

 

by Scyess
2-14-06
Kiss me, Jon!
What?
You heard me, Romeo. Kiss me like I've never been kissed before.
Apparently, that didn't mean repeatedly ramming her face into giant inflateable novelty lips.
Women sure are hard to understand.

 

by Scyess
2-15-06
I'm searching the Internet for the meaning of life.
Did you find anything?
Porn.
I guess that's all I really needed to know about life all along.
Did you know none of your search terms are allowed on network TV?

 

by Scyess
2-16-06
Order our revolutionary new diet plan!
Lose weight simply by reducing your food intake, exercising regularly, and eating healthier!
And it can be yours for the low, low cost of $149.99!
That does it. I'm opening my oxygen-to-carbon dioxide conversion business.

 

by Scyess
2-16-06
Hey, Sanna. What's new.
I got a restraining order against you. You're not allowed to come within 300 yards of me.
What? Why?
I think the real question is "Why not?"
The sad part is I can't think of a good answer to that question.
I could have you thrown in jail just for being in your own house! Isn't that a hoot?

 

by Scyess
2-16-06
Know what I like about you, Jon? You're not afraid to talk about your feelings.
Well, thanks.
I like that because listening to maudlin bullshit makes me angry, and then I beat you up, which makes me happy.
It's sort of a round-about path to happiness, but it's cheaper than heroin.
I don't mean to change the subject, but I'm feeling a little threatened right now...

 

by Scyess
2-16-06
Do you ever feel our relationship is pretty one-dimentional?
Howso?
Well, I have a huge crush on you, but you only like to beat me up. It's been going on like this for years. How about something new?
Know what's wrong with this country? People are afraid of change.
That and overly-lenient assault laws.

 

by Scyess
2-20-06
If that's the cat, what did I just sacrifice?
I think that was your own left leg.
That didn't turn out the way it was supposed to.
I know. So what do we do now?
Game of Scrabble?
Love to!

 

by Scyess
2-20-06
THAT'S your plan? Dude... SO many things could go wrong with that...
Oh, yeah? Like what?
That didn't turn out the way it was supposed to.
I know. So what do we do now?
Like you can't wear a dress if you're dressed up like a fireman.
Ah, fuck. Forget it, then.

 

by Scyess
2-22-06
My washing machine has a "hand wash" setting.
Cool.
MY WASHING MACHINE HAS A "HAND WASH" SETTING!!!!!!
Apparently this is a bigger crises than I first imagined.

 

by Scyess
2-23-06
My back hurts.
No problem! I'm sure they'll have a cure for that by the year 3000.
***TTZZZRRRRRRRTT***
Wait.. wha-
Brad's been gone a long time. Where did he say he was going?
His note says his back hurts and he's going to see a... oh, he spelled it "cryopractor."

 

by Scyess
2-23-06
Your company makes two kinds of product. I bought the one that said "no artificial ingredients."
Great!
Not really... the ingredient list includes something called "disodium inosinate." Is that not an artificial ingredient?
No, it's a genuine ingredient that we put in our product.
So what the hell's in the other product?
Powdered unicorn face.

 

by Scyess
2-27-06
I just thought of a great name for a drink! "Tequila Mockingbird!" I'll go to the booze closet and invent it and be the cleverest person on Earth!
Wanna hear my new CD by The Honkies? It's called "Tequila MockingBird"!
♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫
Okay... that's just a minor setback...
Dude, can I crash here? I had one tequila mockingbird too many.

 

by Scyess
2-27-06
Hi.
Um, hi.
Did you know that yoga is really good for you?
You suck at marketing.
YOU try marketing anything with your balls up your ass!

 

by Scyess
2-28-06
Hi.
Hi.
What's with the little schoolgirl outfit? Are you trying to fulfill some sort of 400-pound RPG-nerd's dream?
What about you? Your head seems to have been stuck off the coast of Spain for 600 years.
Wanna go out?
Sure.

 

by Scyess
2-28-06
This Ferarri is my car.
Oh, yeah?
And I suppose you expect me to just melt into awestruck goo over your hot ride? You jerk.
Whatever. Just get in or don't.
}}}>...melt...<{{{

 

by Scyess
2-28-06
So if you had a choice between being forced to drink a bucket of hog semen or being forced to...
Stop. Stop right there.
I hate these rediculous hypothetical questions. They're gross and stupid, not to mention completely pointless.
Remind me to teach Jim what "hypothetical" means.
Woah! Why is your breath so funky?

 

by Scyess
3-01-06
Did it hurt when you got your ear pierced?
Not really. Not as much as my pierced nipple...
...or my eyebrow or my tongue. And certianly less than when I lost my eye.
What happend to your eye?
There are some things you shouldn't try to pierce.

 

by Scyess
3-02-06
It is expected that the premature death of a spouse brings great sadness to the one left behind. But it does more than that. Even after coming to terms with the loss of a love and the pain...
...she suffered, the lonely remnants of life are tossed into chaos. The empty house... the inevitable questions at parties... everything seems to turn hope for a new start into a directionless limbo.
But this is a comic strip... so here's a clown with a lisp.
Hey, there, thourputhth! Why tho thad?

 

by Scyess
3-03-06
I pulled you over for going too fast. Do you know what the speed here limit is?
Yes.
It's an arbitrary number decided by a panel of aging bureaucrats under the flawed impression that in all cases safety can be measured by speed.
This is probably the worst date ever.
Sorry. I didn't know there was going to be a vocabulary quiz.

Showing page 29.

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