All comics by Porternotes

Profile

 

by Porternotes
12-18-14
Today we will spend the entire day with our sales guru, David. He will teach our consultative sales techniques.
Wait a minute. I thought we were just taking orders?
To Lands' End you are more than just an order taker. Sometimes our clients aren't aware of all our products and how beneficial we can be for their business.
So... "Up-sell" them.
We don't use that term. We like "suggestive sales".
Oh man.

 

by Porternotes
1-16-15
Hello everybody! My name is Dave Smith, I know that Chris would have you call me "David" but the only person who calls me David is my mother.
So, when she comes back in here later I want everyone to call out nice and loud, "Hi, Mommy!" Can y'all do that for me? Ok!
I'm not comfortable calling just anyone "Mommy".
That's what sales is all about! Doing the uncomfortable.
Ok, you are bat-crap crazy.

 

by Porternotes
3-19-15
One of the things that you will encounter when selling Lands' End merchandise, is that we are not the least expensive clothing option for people.
If people are willing to part with three dollars for a cup of coffee or use an iPhone rather than an android just because they want the name, they will spend money on Lands' End.
I mean, that's ridiculous! Get me some damn Folgers and a regular Motorola Android for a penny it's just as good!
Hello, Siri? Can you find the definition of Jackass? Wait, never mind

 

by Porternotes
3-19-15
Uh oh! Looks like we got a Gary Grumpy here, folks!
Not really. I just feel like you are being maybe a little too general about customers. My wife and I own a coffee shop. And we exclusively use Apple products.
Oh, here we go...
We feel that the prices are warranted because of the quality. Can't we just sell products with honesty?
Who is the sales-guru here?
I'm beginning to wonder myself.

 

by Porternotes
4-10-15
Honesty has NO place in sales. We are required, at times, to turn people's way of thinking.
You mean to trick them.
I mean to GUIDE them.
Gain their confidence?
Yes! Exactly.
CON-fidence.

 

by Porternotes
4-10-15
How was the shop today?
Slow. Probably five people all day, and I couldn't help any of them.
Ouch... That's not good. What did they want?
You. They just wanted to see you. Nobody comes to see me.
Well, I doubt that! People used to ask me all the time when you were coming in.
Yeah? Probably just so they knew when to leave.

 

by Porternotes
4-10-15
How's things going for him at Lands' End?
Oh, you know.... It's sales. The sort of thing he got out of to start this place...
Yeah, it must be heartbreaking for him. Letting go of his dream. Going back to the grind.
It sure hasn't been the same around here. It was supposed to be us, together, our dream....together.
I bet when he pulls int that parking lot he breaks down into giant tears of bitter loss and failure.
Well, I did notice him packing Kleenex in his lunchbox.

 

by Porternotes
4-10-15
We've been monitoring your calls, and you've been doing very well.
Thank you, I feel pretty confident that I can do the job and I have a good grasp of the point of sales system.
Yes, you have a great accuracy. There's just one thing we may need to adjust.
Oh? What's that?
Unless you can teach yourself to weep quietly, we may need to relocate you to the rear section of cubicles.
I'll be good!

 

by Porternotes
4-10-15
Can you believe we're taking live calls already?
I know! The training period seems so long when we get started, but here we are in the last week.
Hi! I'm here to deliver lunch to my husband. That man you were just throwing yourself at!
Excuse me?!?
Who the hell was that home wrecker?
Just someone I'll never talk to again.

 

by Porternotes
4-11-15
I think I have the flu or something. I've been sick to my stomach lately.
Probably all that fast food you eat.
I don't think so. Most of the time I have no appetite at all. Even the smell of food makes me puke.
...really...
Yeah. The upside is, since I got the flu my period hasn't been too bad.
I'm calling the doctor.

 

by Porternotes
4-11-15
So, what did the doctor say?
Well, it's not the flu.
Did they prescribe something for her?
Well, it's not the flu.
That boyfriend of hers doesn't seem like the healthiest kid, she's been with him nonstop since they met. Maybe he got her sick.
Well, it's not the flu.

 

by Porternotes
4-11-15
...oh.

 

by Porternotes
4-12-15
So stupid! So irresponsible! Such a huge mistake! I can't believe she did this! There's so much she's never going to do! Her life is over!
They can't afford a baby! He has no job. She barely even knows him! They can't even take care of THEMSELVES
How did I fail her? I should've been a better mom! I never should've let her live with her father! I should've made her get the birth control shot!
We're never going to live out our retirement plans! We're stuck here. All of our future is over! We're too young to be grandparents!
I'm going to be a grandma!

 

by Porternotes
4-12-15
So, we've been talking and we know you feel like we're being totally irresponsible, but we feel like we've grown a lot in recent months and we're fully prepared to become parents.
Hmmm...
Yeah, since you put me out on the street 6 months ago I've learned about my survival instincts. And finding love has helped me develop my nurturing skills.
You left here and moved into your dad's basement. You never were on the streets. And WHAT have you nurtured?
Well, two months ago, Trav & I planted a seed and raised our own plant from it.
Having a baby is nothing like growing pot!

 

by Porternotes
4-12-15
My wife suggested we have some kind of "heart to heart" about becoming a father, but I'm no good at that kind of talk.
ok
In fact, I haven't much to say to you at all.
ok
If I WAS to talk to you...
I have a feeling this IS one of those talks.

 

by Porternotes
4-13-15
Mom, I know you don't think we're responsible enough to have a baby, but you forget I took the baby-sitting course. And Trav...
BABY-SITTING course?! When you're a parent it's a 24-7 JOB! Do you think this a game?
No, I don't think...
NO! You don't think! That's how you got here. Because if you were THINKING, we wouldn't be having this conversation!
Well, it's obvious that...
...that your social life is over? Yep! Your life in general is completely different. You're MOM now, get used to it.

 

by Porternotes
4-13-15
I don't know if I'm gonna be a good parent. I don't think I should be somebody's father. But I guess I'm going to do my best.
Hmmm...
And maybe it's our turn. Our turn to make a difference in the world. Lift up our generation.
I see where you're going with this...
And if we want to smoke a little weed...
Too far, man. Too far.

 

by Porternotes
4-14-15
Well, our little talk did not go well. She's totally convinced that they're going to be the perfect parents. They have no idea what they're getting into.
Well, my talk with him was pretty mellow. He's pretty chill about the whole "parent" thing.
She thinks that because she'd been a babysitter she can handle parenting. That's like saying running around the block qualifies you for the Boston Marathon.
HEE hee hee! Oh wow, that's so true!
Did you smoke weed with him or something?
No, I think I caught a contact buzz off his jacket.

 

by Porternotes
4-14-15
I need your help with this. This isn't some kind of game. I'm trying to be reasonable here.
You're right, I'm sorry. I'm just trying to lighten things up.
If I can't get you to take this seriously, how am I going to get them to take it serious?
You're right, you're right.
If I can't get anyone to listen to reason, I'm going to have to steal that baby and run away to an island and raise it myself.
Ah, the voice of reason.

 

by Porternotes
4-14-15
So, I overheard you guys talking. Is it true that I'm going to be an uncle?
Yes. You're step-sister is pregnant. You're no longer going to be the baby of the family. How do you feel about that?
I'm ok with it. It's going to be weird thinking of you as a grandpa. To me you're still just 'Dad'.
Yeah, that is pretty weird for me too. Why it seems like just yesterday that one girl mistook me for your older brother.
She was selling Girl Scout cookies.
She was all like, "Is your guys' parents home?"

 

by Porternotes
4-15-15
Man... I do NOT want to go in there. Back to the grind. Hawkin' shit for the MAN. Cog in the great machine. How'd this happen?! I was sprung from the corporate shackles!
This some bullshit!!!!
...sigh...

 

by Porternotes
4-16-15
Now that things have changed around here you don't host events anymore. Are you ever doing Open Mic again?
Funny you should mention that! We're going to host an Open Mic tomorrow night. 7pm.
No way! That's awesome. It'll give me the chance to try out my new routine.
Routine? Like comedy? I didn't know you were a comedian?
Well, I've actually never done it before, but I was thinking: I'll randomly pull an audience member on stage with me, then tell them embarrassing facts about my life to get a reaction. Funny, right?
What could possibly go wrong?

 

by Porternotes
4-16-15
I really think we should cancel Open Mic tomorrow night. It's not going to end well.
What?! I've been looking forward to it all week. And how could you possibly know it's going to end badly?
Matt was in today and he told me he's going to do some kind of embarrassing self-roast comedy routine with some unwitting audience member.
Seriously? There is NO WAY I'm canceling now. That's going to be amazing. I am squirming inside just thinking about it.
I know, normally I'd be all over the chance to see him make a fool of himself, but this might just go too far.
I'm setting up the webcam. This one's going coast to coast!

 

by Porternotes
4-17-15
Thanks for coming to Open Mic, everybody. We set up the live feed. So make sure you text all your friends to tune into our ustream channel. Also we'll have some clips on YouTube later.
Our first performer is going to do a medley of Johnny Cash songs. Please give a warm welcome for Randy the Singin' Cowboy! Come on up, Randy!
Hello... I'm Johhny Cash.

 

by Porternotes
4-17-15
Ol' John would come out, and the band would be just a-chuggin' and he'd say "Give me a glass of water."
...and then he'd say...
...Hello, I'm Johnny Cash.

 

by Porternotes
4-17-15
Oh, ev'rybody loved Ol' John.
Here's another one that made him famous.
You keep doing the same song! Folsom Prison Blues. If you're doing a medley you should be doing many of his songs mixed together. Like, Ring of Fire or Jackson. Not just one song over and over.
I hear that train a-comin'!
That's the same song!

 

by Porternotes
4-17-15
Matt's nervous, this is gonna be great!
How long are you going to keep Randy up there?
I'll just give him a few more minutes. Helps build the tension.
Maybe you should let Matt go up next since there's not a lot of people here yet.
Maybe you're right. I'm taking too much pleasure in this. It's probably better to get it over with early.
Is that a group of his co-workers coming in?

 

by Porternotes
4-17-15
And I'd let that lonesome whistle... Blow my blues away.
Randy the Singin' Cowboy, ladies and gentlemen. A round of applause for Randy.
Thank you very much.
Where are you playing next, Randy?
In front of St. Vincent DePaul thrift store and at the Sacred Heart family breakfast.
That's great, Randy. I'm sure they appreciate Cocaine Carolina.

 

by Porternotes
4-17-15
All right! Everyone finding a place to sit? Are there enough chairs?
Ok, great. Well without further adue, let's bring on the comedy stylings of Matt!
I'm going to choose someone, at random to join me on stage.
Come on up here, Matt! I could use your help.
Gosh... I don't know about this...

 

by Porternotes
4-17-15
Ok, Matt, you don't have to be nervous. You're what they call the "straight guy". I'll do the funny stuff, you just stand there.
I can manage that.
So, folks. I haven't been able to please a woman sexually... well, ever. Probably because of my small penis and quick trigger.
The line forms to the left, ladies.

 

by Porternotes
4-17-15
That was funny.
Thanks!
No, you're not supposed to be funny. You're the straight guy. I'm supposed to be funny.
Oh! Sorry. It was just so awkward. I thought I should say something to break the tension.
Just concentrate on me. Or this whole thing is going to be over before I get started.
That's what she said!

 

by Porternotes
4-17-15
Really? A "That's what she said" joke? You just aren't getting the concept. You need to sit down.
I'm sorry. You're right this whole comedy thing isn't my forte.
I forgive you, and you're right, comedy isn't for everyone.
I was sure it was witty repartee with impeccable timing and thought provocative content that appeals to a common denominator and invokes laughter and a general sense of euphoria.
Leave my stage.

 

by Porternotes
4-18-15
Ok, since the other Matt wasn't getting it, let's have Linda from accounting come up to the stage. Don't be shy.
Thanks for doing this. And thanks for bringing the gang from work.
Sure, Matthew. It's been fun. This is a great place.
It's my home away from home. The only place I truly feel myself.
Feeling yourself too much can lead to blindness! Hi-yo!!

 

by Porternotes
4-18-15
ugh!
Oh, Matthew, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be making fun. Let's just get your jokes going.
Ok. I'm ready. Start with the funny stuff.
Actually... I just came in my pants.
...and we're done. Drive safe, folks.

 

by Porternotes
4-18-15
This is comic 187. If I was doing this strip as a daily for a newspaper it would be a little more than half a year's worth done
Wow. It's only taken you a year to do it.
Well, if it was a job I'd have more time to work on them.
Hmmm...
Yeah, exactly.
Well, it's a labor of love.

 

by Porternotes
4-19-15
What did you think of my Open Mic routine, last night?
It definitely had it's moments.
I really think that comedy is my calling. The direction I need to pursue.
Well... I don't know... Wait, you know what?! Screw it. Fine. Go for it. Quit your job, cash in all of your assets and become a stand-up comic.
ugh... I just came in my pants.
Ok, get the fuck out of my shop.

 

by Porternotes
4-19-15
What do you want to do tonight?
The Country Music Awards are on. I want to watch them.
Another award show? Have you ever noticed there seems to be more special programs on that go 3 or more hours?
Sort of like Football Sundays?
That's quite a bit different.
Yeah, it's 10 hours long.

 

by Porternotes
4-20-15
I don't know how you do it.
What are you talking about?
Your family. I don't know how you allow them to treat you so badly.
It's not my fault. It's how I was raised.
You were raised to be a door mat?
No... no... hell, no. I wasn't raised to be a doormat. I was raised to be a punching bag.

 

by Porternotes
4-21-15
Yeah, I guess my family can be a little harsh...
A little harsh? Spotted hyenas are a little harsh. YOUR family... Downright mean.
Well, they're right there when you're in need.
To be the first to call you "stupid".
That reminds me, I saw a typo in my sister's Facebook status earlier. Man, did I let her HAVE it.
Grammar shaming isn't really standing up for yourself.

 

by Porternotes
4-21-15
Well, it's at the point now where we only see them at the holidays.
Even that can be too much.
Maybe we can be unavailable for family gatherings.
I don't think you could really do that.
If we were Jehovah's Witnesses...
I'm not giving up my God just to avoid your family.

 

by Porternotes
4-21-15
Remember Easter this year?
I need to get to the gym, so I don't end up looking like my brother.
Or just this past Christmas?
I tried to get you something that you really need, but I couldn't find a store that carries hair re-growth, miracle weight loss or improved personality.
Or last thanksgiving?
It's not like a coffee shop is a REAL business.

 

by Porternotes
4-21-15
Look, I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I just hate to see you get pushed around.
Well, it's hard breaking away from what you always knew.
I don't think they realize they're even doing it.
One thing would help them realize it...
We should get the fuck out of this town.
I can have our luggage packed up in 15 minutes.

 

by Porternotes
4-23-15
Your grandmother's birthday is in a couple of months, and there'll likely be some kind of get together.
That'll be nice.
No. It won't be nice. Nothing about getting together with the family is nice. They're mean to all of us. Especially your dad.
You guys are the adults, right?
Yeah....?
So get drunk! Guaranteed as soon as I'm old enough I'm bringing a bottle of hooch to EVERY family gathering.

 

by Porternotes
4-23-15
Wait, are you suggesting your dad and I get drunk during the next family gathering?
If it helps get you through, yeah. That way my aunt and uncles can say whatever they want and not only will it not bother you, but you may not remember anything the next day, anyway.
Hmmmm....
I think that's the only way Grandpa does it.
Genius.
I'd say that's worthy of a free pass on cleaning my room.

 

by Porternotes
4-24-15
I am thinking about going public with the Vegan Dad strip.
What do you mean by "public"? It's already on the web. Anybody could see it.
Yes, but I have not told any of my friends about it or posted any links to Facebook. As far as my supporters, I haven't shared this with them yet.
You do realize that you have made fun of family members, regular coffee shop customers, and pretty much your entire group of supporters in one way or another?
If they can't take a joke, fuck 'em.
Now that's the spirit!

 

by Porternotes
4-24-15
Had a really strange dream last night.
Oh yeah? What was it about?
I dreamt that I was in a big maze filled with people and nobody would listen to a word that I had to…
Oh, man. Did I ever have the strangest dream last night myself
...say.
It was one of those dreams that made me ask, "Did I really just accidentally shart myself?"

 

by Porternotes
4-24-15
I can not, simply can NOT go back out there...
This job is horrible.
Our sensors indicate that you have been in the bathroom for more than 3.275 minutes. If this is a medical emergency please answer "yes" otherwise in .725 minutes you will be penalized one hour of pay.
Does a nervous breakdown count?

 

by Porternotes
4-24-15
Where are you going? I just got here. Are you closing early?
I have to go down to the hospital. I just got a call from Lands' End there's been some sort of... situation.
Oh man! I just knew it. I heard that someone in the call center snapped.
Well, that "someone" may very well be my husband.
Yeah, they deployed the jumper nets and everything.
Lord Jesus, I married a crazy man.

 

by Porternotes
4-24-15
Hey.
Hey.
So, how'ya doing?
I did not have a nervous breakdown. I just spent too long in the bathroom and made a joke. But none of it would have happened if people would've let me talk about my dreams.
I left out some details.

 

by Porternotes
4-24-15
I really don't need to be in the hospital. I just had an anxiety attack. No big deal. I'm fine.
Well you are staying here until you've had every possible test they can administer.
They already checked my heart, and it's fine. I'm healthy as a horse. I just got a liittle...overwhelmed.
We'll just wait and see what the doctor says.
I'm at that age where any heart racing or chest pains and they tend to go a little overboard.
If they need to feel your testicles, let them.

Showing page 3.

« Previous Next »