All comics by Shadow_Artist

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by Shadow_Artist
9-22-02
What are you looking for dear?
A pack of digestive biscuits. I’ll need them for my non web-based party.
But sunflower, your party isn’t for another week yet.
I know, but I want to get some practise in before then.

 

by Shadow_Artist
9-22-02
…if you’re not doing anything later on, I’d be glad to show you…
*Giggle* I’ll get my sewing needle!
Hey man, stop chatting up my Grandma!
Grandma? Ewwww! Sorry sub_m7, I thought she was your mother.

 

by Shadow_Artist
9-22-02
So, what do you think of my party?
It's shit. If I were you I'd give up. You're never going to amount to anything. Go and take up fishing or something.
Fishing, hey…
Later that party...
I fail to see what cornholing that chimpanzee has to do with fishing.
I go ape every time I hear you squeal…

 

by Shadow_Artist
9-22-02
I don’t get it! This is funny, witty and subtle. Why isn’t anyone responding?
Sub_m7. Painting your exposed, erect penis like a Dalmatian dog and hanging a sign from the end with ‘WOOF’ written on it isn’t funny, witty or subtle.
Well, that’s YOUR opinion…

 

by Shadow_Artist
5-14-03
Greetings, cultured explorer! The last time we saw the Shadow Artist, he looked like this. He's a little older now though, and it's time for a change.
To this end, the Shadow Artist subjected himself to RADIOACTIVE FALLOUT FROM HIGHLY UNSTABLE GAMMA WEAPONS TESTING!
Behold! The new improved Shadow Arti...look, I like the new image, but was the whole 'gamma accident' thing necessary?
Absolutely! How else would I explain the facial hair and beret?

 

by Shadow_Artist
5-15-03
The X-children are being treated to a day out at a fancy American museum.
Yoink! Thanks for the light, kid. Gotta get that nicotine rush, you know?
Nobody steals my lighter!
Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!
Observing...
Shouldn't you do something about this, Professor?
Hold on, Cyclops. Let's see where Pyro's going with this...

 

by Shadow_Artist
5-15-03
Bobby, also known as the Iceman, attempts to seduce Rogue...
Don't worry, Rogue. It wont hurt me.
Well...erm...okay. Sure.
The next day, in class...
Rogue?
Here, Professor!
Iceman? Iceman? Has anyone seen Bobby?

 

by Shadow_Artist
5-15-03
US commandos gather to storm the X-Mansion...
Okay soldier, are you ready to bust into that mansion and kick some freak-child ass?!
Yeah, about that. Why are we risking our lives in combat with genetically superior beings when we could just fill the place with knockout gas?
I can have you thrown out of army you know.
I think it's illegal to discriminate against homosexuality now, sir.

 

by Shadow_Artist
5-15-03
The Shadow Artist takes time out from writing the X-Men 2 parody to meet one of its cameo characters...
Hey there! Are you Collosus, the mutant with the power to turn his body into chrome?
That I am!
One question: in the comics you were a Russian construction worker who only wanted to live in peace with his little sister. Why, in X-Men 2, are you portrayed as an all-American hero?
Well...er...the film had to be based in...
Also, assuming I accept that mistake, why is a grown man like yourself shown taking English Literature lessons with a bunch of 12 year old students?
Okay, fine! They screwed up my character! There, I've said it! You happy now?

 

by Shadow_Artist
5-15-03
The police, fearful of mutant violence, confront a man carrying knives...
This is the police! Drop the knife and get down on the floor!
Okay offic..
BANG!
*Thud*
Debriefing...
I don't mind you being trigger-happy, officer, but not every perp with a knife in their hand has Wolverine's super-healing mutation.
I don't suppose the children I shot afterwards have super-healing either, do they?

 

by Shadow_Artist
5-15-03
At a secret government holding centre, the powerful mutant Plastico is held within a special all-metal prison...
There's something different about you today...
Sit your ass down, freak!
No...there is something different about you, isn't there?
I said sit your...urgh...what the...
Too much plastic in your breasts!

 

by Shadow_Artist
5-15-03
Flying in the X-Men's private jet, the Blackbird, Jean Gray and Storm are attacked by US fighter jets...
Storm! We've got company! Use your powers to ditch them.
What the fuck are you doing, Storm?
You wanted a storm, didn't you? Or a blizzard, or lightning? Well I'm sick of destructive weather! I can do romantic sunsets to, Jean. I've got range!

 

by Shadow_Artist
5-15-03
The American President addresses the mutant issue on live television.
Fellow Americans. Times are changing, and with the mutant population growing we must...
Just then, a certain telepath drops by.
Arrrgh! My head!
Nice going, Charles...
Fellow Americans, my office has just been invaded by a bald mutant cripple! Destroy the mutant threat! Kill them all!

 

by Shadow_Artist
5-19-03
Salutations, strip-seeker! I hope you don't mind, but I wanted to introduce you to a friend; my virginity.
Hi everyone!
I like my virginity. It's very supportive.
Aw, thanks man!
When life gets frustrating, it reminds me that there's one thing in this world that isn't fucked.
Just doing my job...

 

This comic has been removed, on account of the author realising the 'true story' recounted made him sound like a tit.
by Shadow_Artist, 5-24-03

 

by Shadow_Artist
5-29-03
Hey Dad! What's that strange black thing you've got there?
This, son, is the Black Monolith of Infinity! I combined its awesome power with my own when I created the Earth.
Cool! Give us a look...ooops!
Jesus, you goat-tit! You've dropped it on the Earth! Who knows what twisted ideas my creations will have now thanks to the Monolith's terrible energy!
Woah! The yellow phallus fruit actually tastes a lot better if you roll back the foreskin first!
Just like in real life!

 

by Shadow_Artist
6-13-03
Soon, law enforcement will be handled by advanced robots...
Hand over the bag, doll-face!
Oh no! A petty thief! Help!
...but none will be more effective than RocketCops!
HALT VILLIAN! I AM ROCKETCOP#1049!
Yikes! A RocketCop! I surrender! The gal can have her handbag back!
Merciless, incorruptible and available in a range of colours, RocketCops will make the streets safe once again. Go RocketCop!
TOO LATE! YOU MUST BE PUNISHED WITH OVERWHELMING DESTRUCTIVE FORCE!
I demand to see my lawy...ARRRRGGGHH!

 

by Shadow_Artist
6-13-03
Officer, you have to help me! My cat, Chew-Chew, is stuck up that tree!
ROCKETCOP#1043 WILL APPROACH YOUR PUSSY WITH ITS ADVANCED HOVERJET ENGINE!
ATTENTION FELINE REBEL! RETURN TO YOUR MISTRESS!
Meow?
TOO LATE! FAILURE TO COMPLY WILL BE PUNISHED WITH OVERWHELMING DESTRUCTIVE FORCE!
Meo...SCREEECH!

 

by Shadow_Artist
6-13-03
GREETINGS! ROCKETCOP#1053 RESPONDING TO A REPORTED BURGLARY!
Ah, yes. Thanks for coming so quickly, officer. Thieves broke in and trashed the place! My laptop was stolen!
YOUR APARTMENT'S INFERIOR STATE WILL HINDER A THOROUGH INVESTIGATION!
Er...yeah. Sorry about the mess, but my house WAS ransacked.
INSUFFICIENT! ROCKETCOP WILL PREPARE YOUR APARTMENT FOR AN INVESTIGATION WITH OVERWHELMING DESTRUCTIVE FORCE!
But what about the finger...AIIIIIIEEEEE!

 

by Shadow_Artist
6-13-03
Next please! How can Happy Burger serve you, sir?
You can start by handing over all the cash, little boy!
Rip! Tear! Reveal! etc.
HALT VILLIAN! I AM ROCKETCOP#1061!
Shit in my pouch! An undercover RocketCop! I'm out of here!
NOT SO FAST! YOUR ATTEMPTED CRIME SHALL BE PUNISHED WITH OVERWHELMING DESTRUCTIVE FORCE!
But I needed the mon...EEEEARRRGH!

 

by Shadow_Artist
6-13-03
Damn it! That sleaze-bag's the only one who knows where the mayor's daughter is being held, but he's not telling anyone!
ROCKETCOP#1038 SHALL INTERROGATE THE CRIMINAL!
SPEAK VILLIAN! WHERE IS THE MAYOR'S DAUGHTER?
Pah! You don't scare me, RocketCop! Do your worst!
ROCKETCOP SHALL EXTRACT THE INFORMATION FROM YOU WITH OVERWHELMING DESTRUCTIVE FORCE!
Okay, okay! The bitch is chained up at...NOOOOOOOO!

 

by Shadow_Artist
6-14-03
Okay RocketCop#1044, we've got a hostage situation. Negotiations have been going on for sixteen hours, but all they've asked for so far is food.
ROCKETCOP#1044 SHALL NEGOTIATE.
ATTENTION CRIMINALS! RELEASE YOUR HOSTAGES!
Not until we get our food!
TOO LATE! ROCKETCOP SHALL END THE HOSTILITIES WITH OVERWHELMING DESTRUCTIVE FORCE!
Oh God! The door's loc...ARRRRRRGH!

 

by Shadow_Artist
6-14-03
Okay, listen up people! We've got the go-ahead to raid Felix Hash's mansion for drugs, so let's move before he bails!
ROCKETCOP#1067 SHALL ASSEMBLE A ROCKETCOP STRIKE FORCE!
ATTENTION ALL OFFICERS! PROCEED WITH OVERWHELMING DESTRUCTIVE FORCE!

 

by Shadow_Artist
6-14-03
*Sniff* God, please help me! *Sniff* I'm here... *Blub* ...to... *Sob* ...report... *Sniff* ...I WAS RAPED!
Easy there, ma'am. You're safe now. If you'd like to go to the waiting room I'll get one of my best officers to take a statement from you.
ROCKETCOP#1072 AWAITING RAPE ACCOUNT!
You beast! *Sob* You brute! *Cry* Don't you care what happened to me? How I was VIOLATED!
YOUR EMOTIONAL STATE IS OBSTRUCTING THE COURSE OF JUSTICE! ROCKETCOP SHALL CALM YOU DOWN WITH OVERWHELMING DESTRUCTIVE FORCE!
I don't need calming dow...AIIIIIIEEEEE!

 

by Shadow_Artist
6-17-03
So...erm...was that okay? Did you like it?
Are you kidding, babe? That was wonderful! I've never had such great sex in all my life! And when you did the thing with your...
Heh! I read how to do that in a magazine! But seriously, I've only done this with a dozen or so other guys. Do you really think I was good?
When a girl has no strings attached, unprotected sex with you, it's always good! Say, could you fix me up a coffee before I leave?
I'm on that like the lice in my pubic hair!

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-10-03
About my exam, Mr Burton. I'm willing to do anything to get a passing grade. You know...anything...
Anything?
Anything...
How about study?

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-11-03
I don't know if you saw, vicar, but my husband walked out of your service.
What!
I hope you don't mind.
Actually I'm quiet distressed that I could inspire such a negative response.
Oh it's not a reflection on you, vicar. Roger has been sleepwalking ever since he was a boy.

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-12-03
It's back to school time, Bill. I bet your barbershop is overrun with screaming, hyperactive little horrors, just like the tattoo parlour and off-licence!
That's where you're wrong, Obeya. I've sorted that little problem out already.
You got a play area or something?
Not quite. I've had a Playstation II installed.
Cool! And that really keeps them quiet?
Oh yeah, nothing calms children more than flashing lights, loud noises and graphic violence.

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-14-03
So this is your bedroom...nice! What do they call this colour?
Blonde.
Ah, because it's fun, friendly and looks great?
No, because it's cheap, not too bright and spreads easily.
She wants me...

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-15-03
The future, and only two have survived the Nuclear Holocaust...
We'll never have to go hungry again, Ben! I've found a huge stash of canned dog food!
I'm not eating dog food, Bubbles.
What's wrong with dog food? I mean, if it's so bad why do dogs eat it?
To get rid of the taste of their dicks.

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-15-03
The future, and only two have survived the Nuclear Holocaust...
Ben, eating all our emergency chocolate rations at once isn't safe. You could die!
Nonsense, Bubbles. My Grandad lived to be over a hundred.
Yes, but did he eat two-hundred pounds of radioactive chocolate in one sitting?
No, he MINDED HIS OWN BLOODY BUSINESS!
Sometimes I think you want to make me to cry...

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-15-03
The future, and only two have survived the Nuclear Holocaust...
Ben, do you think we could ever be more than just friends?
This was a bad idea.

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-15-03
The future, and only two have survived the Nuclear Holocaust...
Ben, I've found another survivor of the nuclear holocast!
Please be a girl! Please be a girl! Please be a...
His name is Noodles.

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-15-03
The future, and only...er, three have survived the Nuclear Holocaust?
Wow! I'm so glad to find another clown that has survived the nuclear holocaust!
Yes, I...wait. Another clown? You mean there are more?
Oh yeah, all us clowns survived. It has something to do with the lead in our face paint.
And to think that people said I'd never amount to much.
So what have you been doing since the holocaust?
Eating silly string to stay alive. You?

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-15-03
The future, and only the clowns and one other have survived the Nuclear Holocaust...
Bubbles, I want to introduce you to the Post-Apocalyptic Clown Community!
Okay Noodles! I'll just ask Ben if he wants to come along.
Bubbles...are you bleeding?
He doesn't mean to hit me so hard. He's just a very passionate man.

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-15-03
The future, and only...hey, where's Bubbles?
Off bumming his new clown friends.
Are you feeling lonely?
Yes. Very much so.
Awww! Ben misses Bubbles!
No, I miss all the non-clowns who were wiped out in a senseless nuclear war. You know, humanity.

 

by Shadow_Artist
8-15-03
The future, and where once only two had survived the Nuclear Holocaust, things now seem a lot more uncertain...
So Bubbles, what do you think?
I'm in heaven!
With Bubbles enchanted by the Post-Apocalyptic Clown Community, have his adventures with Ben come to an end? Is this the final chapter of the near future’s most beloved couple? To be continued...

 

by Shadow_Artist
9-02-03
Good afternoon, barkeep!
Hey, you're one of those 'neutrons', aren't you?
Heh! Yeah, you got me. I'll have a pint, please.
Sure thing.
So, how much will that be?
For you, no charge!

 

by Shadow_Artist
9-06-03
Thanks Robert, that was great. By the way, did I tell you I'm going to have to get a new computer.
No Imran, you didn't. What's wrong with your current one?
It's obsolete.
Really? How can you tell?
I understand it.

 

by Shadow_Artist
9-06-03
Well, my brand new computer certainly looks cool! Now all I've got to do is turn it on. Let me see, the User Manual...
Hang on! There's only one page in this manual, and that's just got 'Good Luck' printed in the centre. Maybe the Quick Start manual will be better...
120 PAGES!

 

by Shadow_Artist
9-06-03
Rhino Computers Customer Support, how can I help you?
Hello. I've just bought a new computer from your company and it wont start. I've tried everything that was in the manual.
Okay, let's check the basics first. Take the back off the computer and locate the central processing chip.
Hang on...
Do you see a chip inside?
There's a Dorito wedged under some wires...

 

by Shadow_Artist
9-06-03
You're getting quite skilled at doing that, Imran. Say, how's your new computer coming along?
Well I've only just managed to get it working! Gosh Robert, what did we do before computers?
Same as we do now I suppose, only not as fast and with fewer errors.
Your right about the speed thing. Since buying this computer I've been getting angry very quickly...

 

by Shadow_Artist
9-06-03
There's nothing like coming back to your brand new computer after a hard day's work! Hold up, what's this on the screen?
WARNING. MEMORY LOSS HAS OCCURRED.
Darn! When did this happen?
WHEN WHAT?

 

by Shadow_Artist
9-06-03
Rhino Computers Customer Support, how can I help you?
Yeah, hello...er, my computer has been experiencing memory loss problems since I installed your Rhino XP software.
Sounds like a bug.
Well, can you fix it?
I'm sorry, we can only really correct bugs on software that's become obsolete. If you want to try fixing it yourself you might try taking a crash course in computers...
No, that's okay. I already know how to crash my computer.

 

by Shadow_Artist
9-06-03
That was really relaxing, Robert!
No problem, Imran! So, what's the word on the new computer?
Talk about bugs! Whenever I try and write a document a staple with eyes pops up on screen and insists I'm writing a letter! I've complained to the company but they're no help.
They're the ones with a weird name, aren't they? Rhino Computers, isn't it? I wonder why they're called that?
Probably because they're thick-skinned, short-sighted and charge a lot.

 

by Shadow_Artist
9-06-03
Rhino Computers Customer Support, how can I help...it's Imran again, isn't it? You're not going to spend an hour hurling personal insults over the phone again, are you?
No, and I apologise again for before. I honestly didn't know your mum was paraplegic.
It's okay. So what seems to be the problem this time?
The screen's frozen apart from a flashing window saying 'Disk Drive Failure'. I can't do anything with it.
A disk drive failure? Okay Imran, if you hold on a moment I'm going to put you through to the Sales Division. They might be able to help you out with a new computer...

 

by Shadow_Artist
9-07-03
Hail curious drifter! Today, as pop-star Madonna once put it, "Let's talk about sex, baby!" Well, to be more precise, let's talk about sex AND babies...
Cease your ghastly stripping, artist of the shadows!
Oh Lord, it's a woolly-brained, politically correct European Union official! How have I offended with my freedom of speech this time, you superfluous bureaucrat?
You know that in your last 'comic' series you made a crude remark about a paraplegic. Paraplegics have feelings too, you know!
Not in their legs, they don't.

 

by Shadow_Artist
9-07-03
Hundreds of young hopefuls flocked to London yesterday. Their dream? To allow a multi-million pound record company to exploit them for quick and easy profit in exchange for short-lived pop stardom.
The usual suspects arrived – terrible singers in stupid costumes, baby-faced, wimpy-voiced teenage ‘men’, girls relying on their short skirts and exposed cleavage to enchant the judges…
…but in the midst of this sea of mediocrity there was a star possessing qualities beyond all the secretly-gay pretty boys or big-voice small-brain girls. His name? Michael Mike!
Wow! You mean I’m really through to the next stage?
As long as you’re a Christian, have English as your first language and don’t mind us dictating every part of this scheme…I mean your career!

 

by Shadow_Artist
9-07-03
Gosh, its just the two of us in the live final, Mike! Good luck, but I hope you don’t mind me saying that I hope I win instead of you!
Star Search has been on a long time and has lost its novelty factor. It is now only followed by teenage girls watching the show as a means of living out their own childish fantasies of stardom.
But...
Thanks to the show’s stylists, you alienate the girls by being more attractive than they are. That, added to my being a young (ergo available) male with the same stylists, your lucky to still be her
Drop dead.
I’m not comfortable with that.

 

by Shadow_Artist
9-09-03
Winning Star Search, Michael Mike went on to have an amazing career. He performed for a host of children’s television shows…
That was fun, wasn't it children?
I liked it before you started touching me.
...open air, minor-royalty sponsored charity concerts…
My first single is out...my first...er, can you be quiet and listen for a moment, please?
SCREAM! HE'S A MALE WHO SINGS ABOUT LOVE! SWOON LOUDLY!
…and became the country’s favourite reality television star when he achieved a Number One record on Top of the Pops.
Big thanks to my record company, who used their influence to pull all the decent songs off the shelves, so manipulating sales to make me No. 1!

Showing page 3.

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