All comics by christopher7murphy

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Hey bartender, I have been playing your -hic- slot machine for six hours straight now! I haven't won a thing...I think -hic- they're rigged!
Sir..we dont have Slot Machines in this bar.
Mmmm? -Hic- I could have sworn that I dropped fifty bucks tonight?
Stupid drunk! I've got more important things to worry about...like what's that smell coming from behind the jukebox?
Hey Boss! The toilet's plugged again. There must be 200 quarters and a chicken wing crammed in there!

 

So, now that you have over one hundred strips created, have you discovered the secret of writing half-way decent comic strips?
Always write what you know.
Make sure you don't cram too much into one strip, leave them wanting more. But most of all...keep it dignified!
Ohh! And don't forget, poop jokes! Lots and lots of poop jokes!

 

Honey! Come here and take a look at something!
Did we forget to pay the Gravity Bill this month?
Silly! You don't pay for gravity.
Then how come we are floating in space?
Duh! Because I forgot to pay the Cable Bill...and that was the only thing holding us down.

 

If we forgot to pay the Cable Bill, and there is no such thing as a Gravity Bill...
..then why did my pants fall down?
?
You were watching Cinemax when the cable went out, weren't you?

 

...so I was just SITTING there. My boss comes in and sits right next to me...
He says, "Butch! You're going places in the company! How would you like a company car and a raise?"
Wow..what did you do?
What else could I do? I gave a Courtesy Flush.

 

Fleeber!
Borkey borkey!
You wouldn't talk that way if I had my ray gun with me!

 

The responsibility of raising Winky had fallen to the family cat, Pritty Kitty. Pritty Kitty's concerns were whether to raise Winky as his own, or try to help him find his true family.
Well, I'll be a Monkey's Uncle!
With Winky's "monkey ways" running so deep and running short on Pampers, Pritty Kitty decided it best to venture out in search of Winky's true family.
I'll teach you how to chase yarn and climb trees.
Pritty Kitty knew no matter who they were..he would always be part of Winky's life. A protector. A mentor. A banana fetcher. A PCU (poop cleaner-upper).
Cover it with sand.
-giggle- ba-nan-na poo-ticky -giggle-

 

Psst. What are you looking at?
I'm waiting for class to start.
Everyday, we wait until the teacher pulls up and then we egg his car!
That's terrible! I'm going to tell the Principal!
I am the Principal.

 

TAXIDERMY 101: PROJECT:
Rudolphin withyournosesobrighticus
Hey..whatcha think of my taxidermist project?
Well, if Santa doesn't skip you this year...Aquaman is gonna beat the living shit out of ya!

 

I am but a simple sheep farmer, but I find you the purtiest thing I have ever laid eyes on!
Okay! I'll go out with you! But only if you take me to a fancy resteraunt!One with cloth napkins! Oh..and wear a tie!
I'm ordering the lobster. Don't sit so close to me! After this, we will be going to the mall and you are buying me shoes!
Mam, the gentelman ask me to give you this message: He says he's going back to sheep.
And THATS why I never date people I work with! Just as well..I was suppose to disect him tomorrow anyway.

 
Blah! Blah! The clown tastes kinda "funny."

 

Alwite Wabbit! No more mistaw nice guy! Gimme all your carwets..heheheheh!
Why Doc! All these years I thought you were after me. And all you wanted was my little ol' carrots!
Oh, Heavens yes! Wabbits give me the wuns!
Ehh, I know what ya mean. I AM a rabbit, and I'm always dancin' the "Rootbeer Side Steps."
Have you ever twied more bwan in your diet?
naaa...Worrying about it just gives me gray hairs.

 

Okay, first you pass the Arbys. Then you pass a KFC and a Taco Bell.
Ya. Ya. Got it.
Then you pass the Pizza Hutt and a Dairy Queen, followed by a Starbucks.
And there I am?
Yep. And if you're lucky, by then the Metamucil should kick in!
-groan-tummy rumble-

 

Miss Jones, After a thourough examination, I have determined you have a Thesaurus stuck in your rectum.
SORE ASS! Yep..that's it...hurts like the dickins too!
No..you don't understand. You actually have a large collection of alternative word choices inserted into your ass.
Oh, Doc. Are you saying my butt's too big?
No! No! A Thesaurus! It's a reference book! You must purge the volume from your digestive tract.
Okay. Okay. But I sure would feel better about it if I could just take a decent shit.

 

Ms. Collins, Who hung that "SALE" sign?
It was Jill, Sir.
Well, her "S" is crooked and the hole in the "A" looks like it was cut wrong!
Come to think of it, she was walking kind of funny this morning.

 

I've been to London, been to France.
I've got dirty underpants.
One-Two!
Three-Four!
They stick to walls, they stick to the floor!
I love the smell of chum in the morning! HOOYA!

 

Um..I have a confession. When you went to the kitchen to get beer and pizza...I... I played your turn and made you loose half your points.
That's OK, when I was in the kitchen, I spit in your beer.
Sheesh...What I did was wrong...but what you did was really immature!
Kidding! I'm just trying to throw you off your game.
Wait till you see what I did to your dog.

 

On October 31st, we will no longer have Halloween. From now on, that day will be called "Carreer Day."
The school board doesn't want to expose you poor darlings to the wicked scarey fantasies of that nasty pagen holiday!
Can I dress as a firefighter?
Yes child, a firefighter would be an excellent costume choice!
A ZOMBI firefighter!

 

First, I was handcuffed and gagged.
Then I was humiliated and poked with a really sharp stick.
-gasp-
Then my wife came home early, and ruined everything!

 

I measure everything by the strength of my character and by the morals of my upbringing.
The measure of man can be summed up by the desires in his heart balanced by the people in his life!
You're kidding right? I use a ruler to measure mine.

 

I was driving down the street and saw a turtle crossing the road. I was worried about him getting crushed, so I drove it to the lake and tossed it in.
When I got home, I realized the neighbor boy thought his pet turtle ran away from home. He was so sad, I did the only thing I could think of to make him stop crying.
Go to the lake and try to find the turtle? Buy another one?
No, drove the neighbor boy to the lake and tossed him in.

 

Okay..here's the thing. I pay you one million dollars to dress up as a rabbit so I can take you to this secluded spot and hunt you down for sport.
..and you promise no one will EVER find out?
Did you bring the shovel, like i told ya?
If you forgot the shovel...I can't promise anyone will never know.
Howie, then I pick NO DEAL!

 

This week on LOST:
Mmmm? It says that on this week's episode, I get attacked by a polar PEAR!
Do you think it may be a typo?
Maybe, maybe not. The show's weird man!
Might depend....whether or not you demand that trailer AND raise.
I hope pears are in season.

 

Mrs. Smith. How can I help you today?
Doctor, I need you to give me a new Ass Hole!
Mrs. Smith! What the heck do you want another one for?
Mine is full of digusting crap, and from time to time, releases the the most vulger smells imaginable.
Mrs. Smith...although we don't want to admit it...everyone experiences BM and Flatulance.
And he stays out late and is sleeping with his secretary.

 

Go ahead! TELL HIM! A real man would!
I can't. I'm...I'm not comfortable.
Of course you're not comfortable. You won't be, unless you tell him. Do it!
um...okay...
um..sir...excuse me.....you're sitting on my nuts.

 

In comicbooks, it was getting harder and harder to find villians sinister and serious enough to battle Aquaman, King of Atlantis.
Full House!
Two Pair!
In his golden years, Aquaman finally found adversaries challenging enough! Finally, someone worthy of battle with the Sea King!
Three of a Kind!
Straight!
They were The Card Sharks! And they were sore losers!
Hah! Royal Flush! I win again!
OH, Go Fish!

 

Today, I went to the bookstore. I wanted to (urge to pee) buy one of those Sublimable tapes...you know, something to help me (urge to pee) concentrate.
Don't you have dozens of those?
I do...but I (urge to pee) keep loosing them.
They're on the kitchen table! Right where you left them.
Oh, I must have (urge to pee) blinked!
Why are my pants wet?

 

Captain's Log:Stardate:101506- We have once again ripped through the fabric of space and time to encounter our mirror doubles.
These are the voyages.....
It had occurred to me, that my double could be used as a scapegoat. Someone to blame for all of those bizzar role choices later in my carreer.
You are nothing but a Mother-Vulcan show off!
Look..at that...HAM! Chewing up...the scenery!
Someone needed to be held responsible for all of the odd numbered movies, bad record deals, and giving Adrian Zmed an acting carreer.
Grrr! I diserve to be nominated for another EMMY!
Hold it! Sensors show no one but a bovine is watching at the present time.

 

Captain's Log: Stardate: 101606- After the series ended, the cast and crew were devistated at the loss of a continuing paycheck.
Many of the cast regrouped to do a broadway production of the series.
We got Tribbles. Right here in River City. That starts with "T," that rhymes with "P," and that stands for "Phasors set on stun!"
I think your settings off. It must of slipped when you coughed. So now it's sink or swim. Uggg! I'm dead, Jim!
It lasted one night.
This is qite illogical. We can't do a musical. I cant sing or dance. I will rip my pants!
And the Red Shirt finally got a lucky part. Cuz now when I die at the start. It will be with a song in my heart. A Song about LOOOVVE!

 

...and today will be warm but cloudy! And now for the latest traffic report, here's Carol. Carol?
Thanks Jim! It's slightly jammed up on Interstate 61 and.....
S-C-R-E-E-E-E-E-C-H!!!
ARRRRRGG!
ARRRRRGG!
Instead of concentrating on the road, you were preforming puppet show news for passing drivers at 75 miles per hour! I hope you learned something!
That's for sure! From now on, I am listening to "Bob & Tom" in the morning!

 

Hello good looking! Do you come here often?
Ohhhh Gawd! You actually expect a girl to fall for some jerk in a bar using Finger Puppets!
Ummm, this is not my finger.
Well, hello yourself handsome!

 
Ahhhhhhhh!
Oooo...I hate the spooky parts!

 

Hey, do you wanna spend the night in that creepy ol' castle?
But...but, isn't that castle -gulp- HAUNTED!?
They say the ghost of the dread pirate, Red Beard walks the halls, smashing Jack-o'lanterns with his hook!
-GULP-
You're not a coward..are ya?
What can I say? I have no guts!

 

Hey Chum, who are the flowers for?
They're for my wife.
After twenty years of marriage, I can appreciate what a wonderful woman she is.
Aww!
She's the only one that can find the remote.

 

Over the years, Charlie grew to resent BooBoo. BooBoo did everything he could to out shine Charlie.
He let the bitterness build in his soul. Finally, Charlie could not stand it any longer! He had BooBoo put to sleep!
Many years later, the act began to suffer. Charlie soon regreted his decision.
I miss BooBoo.

 

Darn it! Why did I come into this room?
I keep thinking I was suppose to do something? What is it?
A little while later
Honey, you forgot to put the cat out!

 

You can't be in the prehistoric past without paying a toll! Forty bucks...pay up!
Listen! I am not paying for time travel!
OK, Don't say anything...but how about twenty bucks? However, you won't be aloud to see what finally kills the dinosauers.
What can I get for five bucks?
You'll pop in my mouth and see up close, the passing of the greatest lizard of all time.
Great...another poop joke!

 

Take your clothes off! Now
You heard me! Do it!
I don't get it! No pocket...where do they keep their young?
The mall.

 

Have you BEAN in the garden again?
OLIVE to tell you, but you might BEET me.
Whenever you TURNIP, I know our conversation is full of CORN!
Would you SQUASH me if I told you I had to PEA!
I swear, I'll have ARTICHOKE you if you turn this strip into bathroom humor.
LETTUS not disappoint you, and just say, "I was taking a LEEK."

 

Trick or Treat!
Oh Dear, look at you. Such a clever costume. Are you a Stick Figure?
A serial killer?An anorexic super-model?
I'm A PEZ Dispenser!

 

Say...they're right. Emu meat DOES taste like chicken!
Ehem!
Ummm..ummm...I'm sorry..uhhh..heheh
Can I have a bite?

 

MMM! Look at those coconuts!
So exotic!
Yesssss baby! Peel that bark!
Shake those Palm Leaves, Sugar!
You know they're plastic don't ya?
Who cares!

 

HELLO! Hello...can I get some help here? Anyone?
Sheeze! Who do I have to CLUCK to get service 'round here?
I'm sorry. But this is a STEAK HOUSE, we dont serve CHICKEN here.

 

Go on, tell me what you REALLY think of my cooking?
Well...
Go ahead! Tell me.
Well...it kind of tastes like vomit.
I mean besides that.
Ohhhhhh? Then it's just like Mom use to make.

 

psst! Gus! You have to slow down, you're driving the quota up. That means unrealistic goals.
uhhh
The boss will...eh?Oh MY GOD! Gus? Gus...are you OK? Gus had a stroke!!!!
-shiver-
That's better then.
ga-ga-ga

 

Hurry! Hurry! She'll see you....
Well?
Well, you're right. She does have Cat Food in the pantry...but...
Well?
I don't know. The label clearly says "CAT FOOD"...but I didn't think it tasted anything remotely like Cat.

 

Line forms at the Rear
Hey, what's this line for?
Beef -grunt- Jerky.
Line forms at the Rear
OOHHHH Ooooomy!
Hurry up!
Line forms at the Rear
This bar got a whole lot better since they replaced that old fashion Bull Ride machine.
Hey Slim Jim, what's the hold up?

 

Four score, seven years ago...
Mithta? Watcha doin?
I'm Abraham Lincoln, and I'm freeing the slaves!
Why?
So every February, we can have White Sales at the mall.

 

Okay, the brain surgery was a success! Hand me the frontal lobe, and I'll sew it back on.
It's missing! I had it on the table a second ago...and now its gone!
Oh My Gawd! I thought it was scrap...I tossed it out! What will he do with out that part of the brain?
It's okay. He can make internet comics!

 

Slow down, you move to fast.
You gotta make the mornin' last.
Just kickin' down the cobblestones.
Lookin' for fun.....
Making Gravy!

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