All comics by dueserpenti

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by dueserpenti
12-05-03
Rudy was a man with a secret.
When they say you guys have big dicks, just how big are they talking about?
Nine feet, six inches.
I was determined to get it out.
Seriously?
Yeah, but practically all of it is in the fourth dimension.
No matter how much it hurt me.
That explains the way you walk.
I'm actually fucking you right now.

 

by dueserpenti
1-02-04
Our hero speaks to the head of a movie studio.
Listen, I heard you're casting Keanu Reeves as the lead in the new Constantine movie. Why did you cast my least-favorite actor as my favorite comic book character?
You see Charles, it's all part of our plan to destroy everything you love.
You know how you can't enjoy lesbians anymore because of Kissing Jessica Stein? That was us.
And think of all the other books you enjoyed that were made into shitty movies: Battlefield Earth, Day of the Jackal, John Steakley's VAMPIRE$. We did those, too.
Well, congratulations. Your efforts to defile all the good things in my life have been very thorough.
Could we have your mother's address? We'd like to rape her to death with a meathook.

 

by dueserpenti
1-06-04
An open letter to the CEO of Mars Candy, maker of the Snickers bar.
I heard Snickers came out with a new energy bar. Snickers as health food. I was going to make a strip about it, but what's the point?
It's like making fun of a clown. What the fuck am I going to do, mock his floppy shoes? Ridicule him as he sprays himself in the face with seltzer?
You beat me to the punch, God damn you.

 

by dueserpenti
1-07-04
Action News with Bob and Katie
According to a recent survey in New Scientist magazine, Nigerians are the happiest people on Earth.
Surprising news, Bob.
In other news, an attempted coup in Nigeria's Yobe region was thwarted today by Nigerian soldiers and police.
Religious and ethnic tensions have led to the deaths of 10,000 Nigerians since the end of military rule in 1999.
That ought to take them down a peg.
USA #1, Bob.

 

by dueserpenti
1-07-04
Our hero recieves a frantic phone call from his mother.
What's so urgent?
They're launching a new investigation into the death of Princess Diana!
Who cares? The whole point of the Revolutionary War was so we didn't have to worry about those horse-faced, inbred Limeys.
I thought the Revolutionary War was when Teddy Roosevelt rode to Cuba and freed the slaves.
You're right, this is a serious situation.
Let's get a curry and watch Top of the Pops!

 

by dueserpenti
2-19-04
Our hero ruminates on the sweetness of Life.
You know, I love Life.
I'm glad to hear it.
Life is sweet.
With all its petty irritations and formidable obstacles, it's sometimes hard to see the good in life.
But in the final analysis, the good far outweighs the bad.
Also crunchy.
Actually, I was talking about Life cereal.
Either way.

 

by dueserpenti
3-08-04
I was lucky to find Joe. I had a question only he could answer.
What do you think of all this gay marriage hoopla?
I guess I'm glad I've got the option.
He clammed up like a...shit, like a clam.
Sure. If you found a man you loved, you could marry him.
I suppose...
But I can be very persuasive, when I want to be.
You know, we're not getting any younger...
I'd just break your heart, Wang.

 

by dueserpenti
3-09-04
Our hero contemplates the adoption of a nom de plume.
I'd like to start writing under a pseudonym.
You can't be serious.
Why not?
Remember the time you puked in my bedroom, and before you cleaned it up you came out to announce it to everyone?
Only because it was the best damn puddle of puke in the history of the world.
I'll give you that.

 

by dueserpenti
3-27-04
My relationship with Doris was rockier than the bottom of Whitney Houston's purse.
Why won't you take a chance on us, doll?
I can't figure you out, Wang.
Some days you treat me like a queen, and other days you act like I don't even exist.
Tell me honestly, do you love me?
Doll, I've only loved one woman in my life, and that's my mother.
But I've had it up to here with that cock-teasing bitch.

 

by dueserpenti
3-27-04
It was hard to hear what she had to say.
C'mon, what's wrong with a guy like me?
A guy like you is like a tornado.
I'm dangerous and powerful?
You come too fast, and you blow down everything in sight.
It might've been easier if it wasn't the truth.
Who told you how I blow? Was it Rudy?
I conducted a survey at the YMCA.

 

by dueserpenti
5-03-04
An experienced dick knows that a well-placed mickey makes a tough job easier.
One dose of this is strong enough to knock out two grown men.
What about three small ones?
Some mook giving you trouble?
How small?
Say the size of three ten-year old girls.
One shot of Joe's Special Tonic, and it's lights out.
Sure.
Good, 'cause peppermint Schnapps isn't getting any cheaper.

 

by dueserpenti
5-24-04
Our hero gets a physical.
So how am I doing, Doc?
I'd say you can look forward to another sixty years of life.
Really?
Of course, I use the word "life" only in the strictest medical sense.
That's more like it.
I have an old iron lung in storage if you want to climb in and get a feel for it.

 

by dueserpenti
8-09-04
Our hero knows that appreciation for the arts is the mark of a civilized man.
DUDE, DID YOU SEE THE TRAILER FOR THE NEW BATMAN MOVIE?!
DUDE, I SO DID!
IT'S GOING TO KICK ASS!
IT'S GOING TO KICK ASS SO HARD THAT LITTLE ASSES WILL FALL OUT OF THE ASS IT KICKED FIRST, AND THEN IT'LL KICK THEM!
THEN EVEN LITTLER ASSES WILL FALL OUT OF THE LITTLE ASSES AND BE SUBJECT TO KICKING!
...I've totally lost track of what the fuck we were talking about.

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