All comics by itsclark

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by itsclark
11-07-01
H I'm a new to the forums. I make strips to amuse my friends and I'd like more characters, backgrounds & props. Will these be available in the future?

 

by itsclark
11-11-01
Captain's Log: I must find a way to reason with the entity named "Tobor".
But if you MUST... cornhole ALL sentient life... then you must ALSO... cornhole YOURSELF.
THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE. TOBOR CANNOT COMPLY. BUT TOBOR MUST. BUT... BUT...
Sentient lifeforms MUST be cornholed, Tobor. YOU are a sentient lifeform! Complete your program!
Fascinating! Presenting this highly sophisticated mechanism with a superficial logical fallacy has reduced it to smoldering crap.
Crackle. Fizz.

 

by itsclark
11-11-01
ATTENTION HUMAN! TOBOR NOW HAS CODE RED.
What? You mean the internet worm?
A patch has been available for ages. And anyway, it only affected Microsoft IIS servers!
TOBOR MEANS CODE RED, THE SOFT DRINK! TOBOR HAS CUSHY ENDORSEMENT DEAL.
Well, you DO both give folks a strong urge to empty thier bladders!

 

by itsclark
11-12-01
Tonight on "That's Rediculous", our first guest is Erik Sprague, college educated performance artist and sideshow freak.
Erik has had himself surgically altered to resemble a human lizard. Erik, what the hell were you thinking?
You see, I wanted to make a statement about man's primitive "inner beast", and to bring that regressive subtext out in the open in my performances.
Wow -- you make it sound so enigmatic! What was your inspiration?
Observing my friends at a frat party.

 

by itsclark
11-18-01
New "Luster" Bath Lotion is enhanced with vitamin E for healthier skin!
Um... I hope its better for the drain, since that where it ends up anyway.
"The Mummy Comes Back" is an eye-popping visual extravaganza. The critics are raving!
(sigh) Put them on ritalin. They'll be fine.
News flash, pal -- this is the "post-Ironic" age! Your sarcastic weltenschung is outdated and irrelevent.
But I'm only 15...

 

by itsclark
11-19-01
"The End Is Nigh"? What's up with that?
According to cultural commentators, the "post-ironic" age is upon us. I haven't even graduated, but already I'm irrelevent and out of touch.
That's tough. My generation made it nearly to 30 before becoming obsolete.
So who are the new hipsters? Which demographic currently has it's finger on the pulse of pulse of America?
Oh.
Mom says stop talking to the grungy old man and come inside! Besides, you're missing the TRL marathon on MTV!

 

by itsclark
11-20-01
Gah!
What?
You're a giant roach! A giant, talking roach!
You're a drunken, 35 year old virgen living in a squalid ground-floor apartment. I am merely a projection of your own booze-addled self-image.
...Wuh wuzzat?
I said, "I'm a giant talking roach!"

 

by itsclark
11-20-01
The fact is, I don't think I can be your room-mate anymore. You're always drunk, and you live like a pig. Frankly, you disgust me!
But you're a big, icky roach.
Next to you, I'm the pinnacle of evolution! My species attained perfection hundreds of millions of years ago, and has remained virtually unchanged ever since.
You, conversely, haven't changed your underware since Friday.

 

by itsclark
11-21-01
So basically what I'm saying is, "you suck". But I'm not the kind of guy to make a cursory observation and then leave you hanging.
No... as your friend, I feel an obligation to explain to you exactly WHY you suck.
I should gotten a cat.
Let's start with a diagram. This is you, and this is you sucking.

 

by itsclark
11-23-01
Coolio and Donny Osmond face the chamber of fear, on the next "Fear Factor"!
That show is just disturbing.
Who the hell would get thier rocks off watching celebrities stick thier heads in a box filled with scorpions and mealy-worms?
Now, piranhas on the other hand...

 

by itsclark
11-24-01
Apply for a First Crapitol platinum card. It's the credit card for hot, young successful people like you! Nothing beats the prestige of platinum.
"Prestige"?
Wow. Dinner in a 5 star restaurant like this must cost a fortune!
It's nothing me and my "platinum card" can't handle. (wink!)
"Where have you been all my life? Ride me away on a white horse to your beautiful castle!"
Oh, COME ON!

 

by itsclark
11-27-01
Fun with...
Take that get-up off this instant, Zorb! You look rediculous!
I'm infiltrating thier seasonal gift distribution network!
new characters...
I'll be damned! It really HAS frozen over!
Never thought I'd see the day!
and backgrounds!
Accursed fog! Does the sun EVER come out in Britain?
What fog? What is this "sun" you speak of?

 

by itsclark
11-27-01
So then I bent the poor sobbing bastard over a scorching hot boulder and laid pipe to him with my horned tool!
Ha Ha Ha! Ah, for fun!
Say, wasn't that your pager?
Yeah, duty calls! I wanna hear the rest of this, though. Be right back!
To access the help feature, just click 'help'!

 

by itsclark
11-27-01
Have you elves finished breaking all the toys we collected last year?
Yes, your unjollyness!
Then let's saddle up! I've got to get busy stealing toys from all the bad little girls and boys.
Yes, Atnas! Right away!
Christmas at the South Pole... Thank god it only comes once a year!

 

by itsclark
11-28-01
And what do you want for Christmas little... YIPE!
The blood of the innocent! The souls of the wicked! Eternal warfare and death in an endless cycle of torment!
Santa says, "how about a nice selection of world cheeses"?
With blue gouda?

 

by itsclark
11-28-01
You again! What do you want this year?
Your head on a st... er, I mean world peace!
Really?
Eternal chaos and... er, rather, goodwill and fellowship throughout the world!
This is some sort of trick.
Curses! You really do know who's being naughty and nice.

 

by itsclark
12-03-01
Hey! You looked at my car, man! I SAW you. Nobody scopes out my wheels and gets away with it!
Wha?
You heard me, man. First I'm going to kill you. Then I'm REALLY going to fuck you up!
You're not even making sense.
Could you just play along, pal? My girlfriend is watching.

 

by itsclark
12-12-01
What do you want for Christmas, my good man?
You stay away from me, you freak!
How about you, little boy? What can Santa pull out of his sack to brighten your Holiday?
Just ignore him... walk away slowly...
Ho Ho Ho! And how about you, little girl?
Uncle Lou, it's me - Maura. Christmas has been over for three weeks and the whole family is worried about you!

 

by itsclark
12-12-01
Wirthling sucks!

 

by itsclark
12-17-01
What's in the box Stickboy?
It's a package of Christmas cheer just for you! Hurry and open it up!
Little guy wasn't kidding! You're a tall drink of water to come out of such a little package.
Mmmm... Don't you want to finish unwrapping me, big boy?
Oh yeah; it's going to be a white Christmas for you!
Tyler? TYLER! Wake up -- you're dreaming again.

 

by itsclark
12-25-01
OW!
Another victory for big tobacco.
OW GOD-DAMN-IT!
Ass-rape! Call out the troops!
TOBOR NO LIKE NEW CHARACTERS.
Cornholing an on-duty police officer is a serious offense. But swing by the YMCA around 8:00 and we'll talk.

 

by itsclark
12-25-01
Look, I can explain! I'm a repairman. She only let me in to uh, service the satellite dish.
Uh-huh. Well the satellite dish is outside.
I, um, came upstairs to use the bathroom and took a wrong turn.
O.K... Then how do you explain the fact that you were MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER!?
You saw that, eh?
You bet I did! Now quit screwing around and get back to work on that dish.

 

by itsclark
12-26-01
This is that dream... The one where I'm walking around in public in my underwear.
(Snicker!)
It is a subconscious manifestation of my fears of being humiliated. But by realizing that I'm only dreaming, I can take control!
Walk away slowly...
So that's when I realized that this is all a dream, you fat stupid jerk!
And that squad car is a magic coach here to whisk you away to a land of make-believe. Hop in!

 

by itsclark
12-26-01
Boorite, as a new hire of Leroy's Bitches Inc., you is required to observicate this instructional video featuring our company mascot. Watch closely!
Yes sir.
A production of Leroy's Bitches, Inc.
And that, bitches, is how you "shake your moneymaker"! Now hit the streets, and make "Leroy's" proud!
Please understand, Officer... The value of a Master's degree in today's job market just isn't what it used to be!
Neither is Leroy's eyesight, apparently.

 

by itsclark
12-30-01
Hi. My name is Dink! This is the cute but plucky hero of my post-apocalyptic comic strips. I call him Squirrel-boy!
Cue sound of crickets chirping.
And... um... I just wanted to let you all know. 'Cause you'll be seeing more of...
I truely loathe you.
TOBOR BUST A NUT IN YOUR HOLE!
Ah... Then you appreciate squirrel comics?

 

by itsclark
1-03-02
I can keep this up as long as it takes.
Must post comic #50,000. Must achieve ultimate Geekhood.
What? Some kid named "Snerk420" snagged it with his first comic?

 

by itsclark
1-03-02
Tell me, oh wise one. Does Master Billings really sit poised by his keyboard hoping to enter comic #50,000?
Indeed my child. His geekhood transcends space and time.
It is as a restless sea fed by the waters of many rivers. Noone knows how to measure it's beginning or end.
You're after that 50,000 spot too, aren't you?
Cut it yet it is not severed. Bring flame to it yet it is not burnt...

 

by itsclark
1-22-02
Creak.
Slam!
Get the damn door replaced already!

 

by itsclark
3-31-02
Son, there's something your mother and I need to discuss with you. It's time you found out -- you're a wuss!
What? But that's crazy talk!
I know it may come as a bit of a shock. But once you let it sink in, I'm sure you'll adjust!
But Dad, I'm telling you I'm no wuss!
Son -- we know you've been listening to Creed!
So busted...

 

by itsclark
4-03-02
So you want to join the League of Super Villians! What can you bring to the table?
I generally roast heroes alive and then swallow them whole!
That's boss! But I'm afraid it won't do. Even we villians have a comic book code to adhere to.
Well, sometimes I smoke them like turkey legs and hang them from ceiling of my lair!
Still a bit harsh...
Braze them with a veloute sauce and garnish them with parsley? Work with me here!

 

by itsclark
7-02-02
What I'm looking for is a computer serious enough for long term economic forcasting but fast enough for Grand Theft Auto III.
Dude, you're going to Hell!
Excuse me -- What did you just say?
Sigh... I said, "Dude, you're getting a Dell".
Now I rocognize you! You've changed.
Fame has it's price, A-hole! Now buy that damned Dell so I can blow my commission down at the state store.

 

by itsclark
7-04-02
Congressman Tool, what is your position regarding recent corporate scandals such as Enron and Worldcom?
Friend, we all feel that free trade is the bedrock foundation of our society.
But when corporations obfuscate thier affairs before the public, we find that completely unacceptable.
That's a relief!
Rest assured, a dynamic timeframe of conditionally diminished non-intentiveness is in the process of being established.

 

by itsclark
7-07-02
Hey baby! Come back! What's your sign? Do you like dogs? I like dogs.
This isn't happening! Wake up Maura. WAKE... UP!
There now, that's better! It was all just a bad dream.
Ah, you're awake my dear! I was worried about you.
We both had quite alot to drink last night. Was it good for you? It was good for me.

 

by itsclark
7-09-02
Which brings me to the topic of today's sermon: The Lord's Challenge for Us!
HI MISTER PWEECHER MAN! My name is Timmy!
Please, I'm in the middle of a service.
Hee Hee Hee! Timmy PWEASE, I'm inda middle of a SERV-is!
Ahem. As I was saying, the LORD sets many challenges before us...
Nuts. What gave me away?

 

by itsclark
7-11-02
Tickle-Me-Elmo distinctly told me to "kill and kill again". I've only killed once today.
Wait a sec... I think I hear someone coming down the path.
@#$%&!!
I'm working these woods, big guy. Try the waterfront.

 

by itsclark
7-11-02
The Approach: The first goal of the succesful killer is to win the victim's confidence with a clever ruse.
Would you like to be my friend? I have ice cream in my van.
Sorry. I'm new to this.
Lose the hockey mask, for starters.

 

by itsclark
7-11-02
Knock knock!
Yes?
I'm your blind date! My name is Al... Al Killyou!
SLAM!
I was running late so I rushed over from volunteer... firefighter... training.

 

by itsclark
7-11-02
Hey, Al! How's the psycho killer thing working out for you?
Not so well! I'm running out of places to dump the bodies. You still got room in that crawlspace?
Sorry... Half the student body of Central High is down there! You can borrow my woodchipper if you want, though.
Okay... But I still have to dispose of the evidence.
How can I help?
How many barbecue sandwiches do you think you could stomach?

 

by itsclark
7-11-02
!!!
!!!
It's called "Stripcreator", mom.
Why can't you just download porn like a normal teenager?

 

by itsclark
7-11-02
Heave ho!
Oh and it looks t'be a right fair toss laddy!

 

by itsclark
7-14-02
It's this compulsion I have. I can't stop making advertising parodies and posting them on the internet!
I don't see where that's anything to be ashamed of, Fuzzyman!
It's the best part of waking up! Once I open Photoshop, I just have to let my fingers do the walking! It's a totally organic experience!
Fuzzy, I suggest that you just obey your thirst! Be all that you can be. Frankly, I'd kill to have such obtainable goals.
Honey, who are you talking to? There's noone there.
Thanks for the advice. I knew you'd understand, you Silly Rabbit!

 

by itsclark
7-15-02
You and me after school, buddy! And bring your hammer and nails 'cause I sure will.
Gee, this is a tough school. But at least the wood shop is always well stocked.
Mr. Ryan, you won't see me in English class again. The school bully is planning to kill me.
Yes!
No sympathy there. But maybe I can defeat the bully after all.
As your math teacher, I should inform you that odds have been set at 8 to 1 against.

 

by itsclark
7-15-02
Hey Baby. You've got a beautiful mind, you know that? What's your sign?
Taurus, like the bull. I like guys who are brawny and powerful.
Really? Then perhaps I could take you home and demonstrate some of my other bull-like attributes.
Yeah!
I'm sorry Lt. Tuvok! The holodeck is scheduled for maintenance now. You'll have to return to reality.
You didn't hear a thing! Understand?

 

by itsclark
7-16-02
Right, kid. I'd love to offer you a contract, but the market for 80's hair-band covers is inexpicably slow this year.
Candi-o! I need you so!
Sorry, man. But if I let you play my club I'll lose the whole biker-bar vibe, you know?
My mazzarati does 185...
I don't want to hurt you, man! I just want your axe and mine to have a little heart-to-heart chat.
Never!

 

by itsclark
7-16-02
What are you doing?
I've been trying to win this comic contest for days.
Is this that contest where you have to figure out the rules?
Right. So far I've figured out that you need to include the name of a village in Guam, a background whose colors approximate a famous Van Gogh, and a character named after a Fortune 500 CEO.
Sorry, I wasn't listening. But I just figured out 8 of the 10 rules, if you're interested.
Kaufman, you ever hear of knocking before entering a room?

 

by itsclark
7-20-02
I claim this weird, striped planet in the name of the KLINGON EMPIRE.
I demand you break orbit, Kirk. You are violating Klingon space!
Rex, I think you're carrying this "territorial instinct" thing a little far.

 

by itsclark
7-20-02
Fascinating, Captain! If you look there -- behind this strangely disembodied lifeform -- you'll notice that Bazilla's a wanker!
Well welcome to planet Obvious! I have a name you Vulcan freak.
I am first officer Spock of the Starship Enterprise. What can you tell me of this phenomenon?
Only that even in space, Wirthling sucks!
Bazilla -- it seems your wanking endangers the entire galaxy. I must ask you to stop immediately!
Right... can I get back to you on that in about five more minutes?

 

by itsclark
7-28-02
Some kind of metaphorical snowstorm:
My friend, the present is but a seed of regret nourished on the waters of emptiness.
Mocking, it makes me wear silly clown shoes.
IT CAME TO PASS.....
A landscape of empty pleasures, bereft of succor or meaning.
Faded dreams, hollow ambitions, skunky beer.
the impenetrable unfettered garblefab.
So be it. Darkness take me. Derive into the past.
D00D, WTF RU talking about?

 

by itsclark
8-03-02
We've reached our cruising altitude of 13,500 feet!
I think our altimeter is faulty, Captain. I can see a warning sign flashing!
Huh? The board looks clear to me.
No, outside! "Road Construction Ahead".

 

by itsclark
8-03-02
"Beware of falling tools"... Huh.
AAAAIIIIYYYYEEEE!!!!

Showing page 3.

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