All comics by squidrabies

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by squidrabies
9-14-05
I'll call you Adam.
This paradise shall be your home. But know this... never partake of the forbidden--
You know what? Let's lose the suit. I think it's too soon to let you pick out your own clothes.
Aw man!

 

by squidrabies
9-14-05
Hiya.
Hi, I'm God. Two universes over, next to the copier. Sup?
Chillin'.
Cool, cool. So I heard you went with external genitalia.
Yeah. Everytime I look at Adam I laugh my ass off. Especially when he runs.
I gave my guy a wet, spongy sack that glows. You gotta see it, it's hilarious.

 

by squidrabies
9-14-05
Soooo, Adam.. I've been meaning to have a talk with you about your job performance.
My what?
You're doing super, really. But, I expected a little more from you than eating, sleeping and looking at animals. Think you can punch it up a little?
Like how? I eat fruit because it grows on trees, I sleep because I get sleepy and I look at animals because they move around in front of me.
You're not even trying.
To do what?!

 

by squidrabies
9-14-05
Grunt. Eek. Oop.
Thppt.
If this whole people thing doesn't work out, how would you guys like a promotion?

 

by squidrabies
9-14-05
Here's the deal, Eve. I made you from Adam's rib so you can show him a good time.
That's harassment.
Whatever. There's only one rule. You guys can do anything you want, but don't eat the apples.
Ooh yeah, I so want your stupid apples. I can't go on living unless I eat a dumbass apple.
What a cunt.
I want an apple.

 

by squidrabies
9-15-05
You are so cute.
Oink.
Of all the different animals I've made, you're my favorite.
Oink oink.
I want to carve out and fry up strips of your belly and eat them.
Whoa, I didn't do shit to you, man.

 

by squidrabies
9-15-05
I am great, I am good, everyone thank me for your... the fuck?!
Glorg.
What the hell is this? I didn't make this.
Spoo.
Hey, looks like those sit-ups have been paying off.
I just took the biggest dump of my life.

 

by squidrabies
9-17-05
Let's see... I'll move the volcano over here..
Aah! We're all gonna die! Noo, I'm on fire! Why me, God?!
Hahaha!
A few of us survived God's wrath! Praise the Lord!
This game is stupid. There's no way to win.
Let's build a giant church with the bones of our children! Hooray!

 

by squidrabies
9-21-05
I don't like fairies.
Aww.
Thousands of years later...
Wait, they thought I meant what?
They say it's written in the Bible.
It's in the what?

 

by squidrabies
9-23-05
You gave me free will so now I can sin and go to Hell?
Yep.
I don't want it then.
Too bad.
You're cruel.
Oops, that's sin number one. Try not to be in Hell by the time I get back from lunch.

 

by squidrabies
9-23-05
Hiya Moses. I'm gonna need you to talk to the Pharoah and get him to release the Israelites.
What if he says no?
I'll turn the river into blood.
Can you really do that?
Dang it, I just did. Tell him if he won't release your people, there will also be a plague of frogs. Dang it. Okay, tell him I did the blood and frogs and something really bad will happen next.
Dude. I'm not going down there now. Everything's covered in dogshit.

 

by squidrabies
9-23-05
Moses and the final plague ..
.. which is why they'll call it "Passover" for centuries to come.
What does any of this have to do with unleavened bread?
What?
You want them to eat unleavened bread for the next week. So like, what's your deal with unleavened bread?
I dunno, I just want to see if they'll do it. Actually, tell them they have to drink pee. I'm gonna laugh my ass off if they all drink pee.
Now I know why you made me drink pee yesterday. Thanks for that.

 

by squidrabies
9-23-05
Do me a favor, Abraham. Smash your kid's head open with a rock.
Do what with a what now?
Spoo.
See? It was just a test of faith. Now I know you love me more than anything else. Good job. Okay, but seriously this time, go chuck a brick at your kid's head. No joke.
It'll be easier this time. Isaac's in a fear induced coma.

 

by squidrabies
9-30-05
Speak up, I'm a very busy omnipotent person.
Yeah, uh. You know that tree? That one with the really tempting fruit? The fruit I'm not allowed to eat?
Yeah, and?
It's really tempting me. I mean... It's all I can think about some days. Can't you just get rid of it? Please?
Sorry, it's a test. And like most tests, it's meaningless and unfair. Don't eat the delicious fruit of knowledge and you've got no problems.
Could you at least tell Eve to stop rubbing it on her tits all day?

 

by squidrabies
9-30-05
Abra-cadabra, you're pregnant with the son of God, congratulations.
Buh.
Name him Jesus or I kill your family. See ya around.

 

by squidrabies
9-30-05
Spoo.
Hey, whatcha doing, guy?
He is born, the king of the jews. I have seen his star in the east and I go to worship him.
Sweet, I'm there!
Grab the beer, dude, we're totally gonna follow that star! Wooo!
Beer? Shit, I thought you said to bring a case of "myrrh".

 

by squidrabies
10-11-05
I'm sad. I want you to cheer me up.
What do I look like, endorphins?
Umm.
Yes.
Check and mate. Well played, sir.

 

by squidrabies
10-12-05
Happy hour at the nudist bar
Want to see my erection?
What?! No! Why??
Unng!
Nothing happened.
Help me out here. Gimme a jiggle.

 

So I says, "Who's the doctor here, me or you? Stop screaming and act like a man."
I gave him purple kool-aid instead of anaesthetic!
by squidrabies, 10-17-05

 

by squidrabies
10-17-05
Good morning, doctor.
And how is my favorite patient feeling today?
Not great. Those pills you gave me didn't help at all.
Yeah, I didn't think they would. They were placebos.
What?! Why did you give me placebos?
I forgot how to spell "morphine".

 

by squidrabies
10-18-05
Hello there, Nurse Boobage.
Doctor.
Are those headaches still bothering you?
No. But everytime I take those pills you prescribed, my ass hurts like crazy the next day.
Yeah, Rohypnol will do that.

 

by squidrabies
10-20-05
I've got good news and bad news.
What's the good news?
Melanoma is a funny word.
Admit it, it's a funny word. Melanoma.

 

by squidrabies
10-20-05
How did the operation go?
Perfect. His nose didn't light up at all.
What?

 

by squidrabies
10-20-05
Life is emptiness and pain.
Do you want to read my poetry?
I pray for death's sweet embrace.
It's about how I cut myself because I have to feel pain to feel alive.
I bet you write it in red ink so it looks like blood too. "Cutting poetry", how original.
Oh yes, and "praying for death's sweet embrace" is such an innovation.

 

by squidrabies
12-05-05
Well, the weather outside is frightful.
But the fire is so delightful.
And since we've no place to go...
A fight to the death!
Your flesh will sustain me through the cruel winter!

 

by squidrabies
12-06-05
Santa, how do you manage to deliver so many presents on christmas eve?
I shoot up a bunch of meth.
I mean, magic.
You shoot up magic?
One time I snorted magic off a hooker's ass.

 

by squidrabies
12-09-05
Bah humbug!
I am three christmas ghosts!
Oh shit! I don't want to die alone!
Stop being such a huge asshole or you will!
Hey kid! Buy me a freakishly large turkey!
I'm a crippled midget! God bless us all!

 

by squidrabies
12-09-05
I'm Santa Claus!
No you're not!
Yes I am!
Nobody believes you, psycho!
Oh shit! He was Santa Claus! We're all a bunch of assholes!

 

by squidrabies
12-09-05
My life sucks! I wish I were dead!
I can arrange that.
Everything sucks worse now! My wife is a whore!
You weren't there to slap dicks out of her mouth.
I'm back everyone! Without me, you'd be nothing!
Oh shit, I grew wings!

 

by squidrabies
12-09-05
I'm a complete loser. Everyone hates me. Aaaugh!
You got that right, blockhead.
I feel sorry for this shitty dead tree.
That tree sucks. Let's dance for ten minutes!
I guess it was a nice tree after all.
You're still a loser. Try kicking this football, faggot.

 

by squidrabies
12-09-05
I want a gun.
You'll shoot your eye out.
I really want a gun.
I bought you a gun.
Oh shot, I shit my eye out! I mean, shit I shot my eye out!
Ha ha!

 

by squidrabies
12-09-05
Someday I'll pull Santa's sleigh.
Get away from my daughter, gimp-nose.
I'm running away. Everyone hates me because I'm a freak of nature.
I'm coming with you. Everyone hates me because I'm gay. And a dentist.
I saved christmas!
We tolerate you now!

 

by squidrabies
12-09-05
Driver, take me to Nakatomi Plaza.
Sho nuff. Let me know if you want me to punch that black guy from Walker Texas Ranger.
Yippie-ki-yay, motherfucker!
Shoot ze glass!
Die Hard isn't all that christmas-y.
I want those detonators!!

 

by squidrabies
12-10-05
Holy shit, I'm alive!
Give me my hat!
Holy shit, I'm in a greenhouse!
Someone peed!
Holy shit, I'm at the north pole!
Ho ho ho! Let's have a blowjob contest!

 

by squidrabies
12-10-05
Wow, my very own gremlin! I'd better not spill water on it or feed it after midnight.
Bright light!
Oh shit, Corey Feldman spilled water on it!
I am legion.
I'm going to be extra careful not to feed you after midnight.
Oh shit, I fed you after midnight!
You're not smart.

 

by squidrabies
12-10-05
Where's Finkelman?
Either gone for christmas vacation or dead upstairs.
Where's our cranky housemother?
She either got tired of our drunken shenanigans and left or she's dead upstairs.
Where are these creepy phone calls coming from?
At what point will you try looking UPSTAIRS?!

 

by squidrabies
12-10-05
I overslept!
I'm going to Paris!
Aaaaaahhh!
I had adventures!
So did I!

 

by squidrabies
12-25-05
Let's sing christmas carols.
I don't know any.
Me neither.
Let's sing Don't Stop Believin', but add "in Santa" to the lyrics.
♫ He took the midnight sleigh going anywhere. ♫

 

by squidrabies
12-25-05
♫ Twelve Keith Moons, eleven Liberaces, ten sons of Clapton...
I really don't think your Twelve Days of Dead Celebrities song is going to catch on. Changing "lords a'leaping" to "sons of Clapton" is particularly offensive.
♫ Nine Britney Spearses, eight Russ Meyers, seven Natalie Woods, six Fabio's noses...
Britney Spears and Fabio's nose don't count as dead celebrities.
♫ Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiive Golden Girls!
There were four Golden Girls and none of them are dead. You better hope this doesn't jinx Estelle Getty.

 

by squidrabies
1-03-06
So I got down on one knee, showed her the ring and she said yes.
Awesome.
And that's when I killed her.
Cold feet?

 

by squidrabies
1-24-06
Whose dick do I have to suck to get a mimosa in this place?!
Gay.
Are you referring to the mimosa or the dick sucking?
Take your pick.
Whose grandmother do I have to rape to get a broken bottle of whiskey served in a hollowed out skull?!
Order me an apple kamikaze.

 

by squidrabies
3-31-06
We must never reveal our forbidden love.
Why not?
They wouldn't understand.
You're probably right.
Assfucking rules.
I thought our forbidden love was Pokemon.

 

by squidrabies
3-31-06
Apocalypse Now
I'm totally crazy because war is hell.
I want you to find a crazy guy who went crazy because war is hell.
I'm glad they cut out that boring french plantation scene.
Yeah, what was that shit about?
What an incredible waste of four hours.
Overrated... overrated...

 

by squidrabies
3-31-06
2001: A Space Odyssey
It's been 25 minutes. Can we start the movie now please?
Shhh.

 

by squidrabies
3-31-06
Goodfellas
Growing up, all I ever wanted to be was a wiseguy.
Let's go on a double date!
We robbed Lufthansa!
Let's kill everyone!
Now I'm a shmoe.
I got shot in the face!

 

by squidrabies
3-31-06
The Princess Bride
I'm the dread pirate Roberts!
I hate you!
I'm Wesley!
I love you!
I'll stop the movie now because they're kissing.
That's okay, Grampa. In the last hour and a half I hit puberty and learned to appreciate romance.

 

by squidrabies
3-31-06
Easy Rider
Vroom.
Vroom.
This movie is fucking stupid.
Totally.

 

by squidrabies
3-31-06
Total Recall
I want a vacation to Mars.
No problem.
You blew my cover!!
Oh shit!
See you at the party, Richter.
This is probably all a dream.

 

by squidrabies
4-01-06
The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Dammit, Janet.
This movie sucks already.
There's a light over at the Frankenstein place.
What an original plot device.
Why is this dumb shit so popular?
We were all fooled by the memorable soundtrack.

 

by squidrabies
4-01-06
Dune
My name is a killing word.
So... Paul.
I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration.
Are you just gonna narrate this whole thing or what?
Sean Young is a really shitty actress.
I can't figure out why we made you our leader.

Showing page 3.

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