All comics by christopher7murphy

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Here's your copy of "The Complete Book of Bugs," by Huey Yukk.
Cool!
I bet every known bug in the world is in this book!
HEY, WAIT! You forgot one.

 

Marshal, what seems to be the trouble?
Well, I was suppose to give a speech at the graviton generation symposium.
But all that changed when they caught me giving my ride a hand-job.
I'm feeling a little horse.

 

Are you talking to me?
It's the black one! No, it's the FAT one...
Listen, man... I just came in here to look at books.
Jeez! I swear you wouldn't know what one looked like if I pulled one out and read it to you myself!
Why's that man beating up that other man with the ear-phone?
Sir...I'm outta that one. I have a REALLY fat one...but it's kinda old and it smells funny.

 

I love it when you wear that black slinky dress, babe. Do you wanna find out why they call me "Hands-Free Hal?" heh-heh
Hmmm... "The Hot Zone" by Richard Preston. And "My Thoughts Exactly" by Arthur G. Typermass.
Oh, yea...I can't wait. You are so hot. So... what are you wearing right now?
"Commando" by Lindsay Mckenna... or "Pelican Brief" by John Grisham.
-giggle- I guess I'll find out when I get home. See you soon. (kisses)
And would you pick up some milk on the way home, please.

 

About those ninjas... I've discovered thier secret weakness. I'll start gassing right away.
Mustard gas?
Mustard? No... they slurp that up like candy. No, this will take a more powerful condiment.
Pickles?
-snif- I feel so sad.

 

Hey! You look like that Brad guy. You know, the one who created Stripcreator.com.
Yea... I get that a lot. Where's your computer section?
Plannin' to add a new feature to the web site? Or maybe enhance an old one?
Say... What is this, a test?

 

In 1973. DC Comics put out the first of 24 issues of "PLOP!"
"The New Magazine of Weird Humor!"
Each issue would collect short stories incorporating weird twists in horror comics.
Many of the gorey tales would punctuate the sound effects with a wet and sticky "PLOP!"
You're not listening!

 

Hey, we got a note from the ninjas.
Dear Book Store, We the ninjas are running away. We have decided to live in your basement.
The pickles you attacked us with has left us depressed and suicidal.
We do not relish this Pickle-Warfare, however, until you appreciate our supierior minds... we are forced to a pickleless environment.
I'm feeling a little VlaSIC to my stomach.

 

And for every copy of "The Pickle Slicer's Wife" purchased, you get a complimentary jar of pickles.
No, thankyou. Pickles make me fart.
But they're free!
I don't care.
Three hours later:
EWWWW! What's that smell?
Persistant salesmanship.

 

The register is jammed. I had to call a tech.
Ohhhh, great!
Nothing works anymore. Might as well close down the store!
Do you think you could be a little more constructive?
I brought matches.

 

Do you remember that episode of "Seinfeld" called "The Contest?"
Oh, yea. The one where they see who can go the longest without....OH, NO! You didn't?
What? Oh, no, no, no, no! Who would ever use such a deviant idea from a "Seinfeld" episode?
I'm more of a "Beat the Clock" kinda guy.

 

Welcome to Dog City. America's heartworm..er heartland. But what is this? A fiendish fellon if we ever saw one!
OH, NO! A Hold up! Not in the city of Milk-Bone Man... and his faithful pup, Chomper. But wait... Where is Milk-Bone Man?
CHOMPER!?
What?

 

"Mr. Typewriter" of New York was the
Death rattle, death rattle, death rattle...
worlds foremost expert on typewriters.
Death rattle............ death rattle....... death rattle..... (gasp)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Martin_Tytell
Ding!
-snif-

 

Ahoy thar, matey! Is this be Black Beard... the Pirate?
ARRrrg! Yar! This be him speaking!
Mr. Beard... the Pirate, would you be interested in a major men's magazine? Arrg?
Is it the one with scantily clad wenches with large booty n' mast appeal?
Aye! That would be the one.
ARRrrrgg! But you know I only read "Play Buoy" for the treasures, ehh?

 

Avast ye, matey! I need the touch of a lusty lady. And I need it bad!
Cap'n, your blind date is here.
Hey big boy, ready to give a girl a good time?
Arrrg! Thar seems to be a monkey wench in my plan!

 

Dan, how many times have I warned you about the fecal material in the periodicals?
HEY! It's not my fault!
First of all, I am a monkey....
And second, it is an election year.

 

Oh, wow. I've been so busy that I missed my second anniversary on Stripcreator.
How do I celebrate such an occasion anyway?
Some guy just called. Did you really order fifty pounds of dead frogs to be delivered to the used bookstore across town?

 

Bro, I sent you a Mobsters add on myspace like 5 days ago. WTF?
Did you just say WTF?
No, you were too lazy to type out "What the fuck" so I just said WTF.
What are you talking about?
I accidentally ate a shit load of peyote on a camping trip and I just have not been right.
I'm sorry to hear that. I also think that Mobster shit is lame so I'm not going to accept the invite.

 

I have an emergency. Could I use your internet to check my e-mail?
I'm sorry, we're not connected to the internet.
But you have a computer.
Yes, but it's only set up for our retail needs and information from our corporate headquarters.
Girl! You. Have. A. Computer.
Let me start over: No.

 

"Butch Cassidy" reporting for duty, Boss!
Paul Newman! I'm a big fan...you are practically a god up here. Let's get you set up!
Raindrops keep fallin' on my head. But that doesn't mean my heart is truely blue...diein's not for you...OHHH!
Mastered the weather, Boss.
A rainshower..-tpt tpt- wait...Is that Itallian dressing?
Yep. Had a few extra moments, so I raced out and got some fennel.
You renaissance man, you!

 

Why can't I quit you, "Hombre?"
I'll always remember our "Long, Hot Summer" and your "Cool Hand, Luke."
It didn't "Sting?"
Only that "Slap Shot." But it was a "New Kind of Love."
How 'bout you show me "The Color of Money."
You "Hustler," you! You make me feel like a NEW-MAN.

 

Here's a quarter.
It's a new state quarter, too!
Look how shiney it is!
And here's a nickel!
How much was it again?
-sigh- Your total is $25, mam. Wait...Nevermind! It's free today!

 

Okay class, remember that methane gas is highly combustable. Timmy, do you want to light my fart this time?
Yes, Miss Bliss.
Oh, my. That was really a juicy one.

 

I hate cleaning the bathroom! Can't there be an easier way?
-hack- hack- cough cough- snif-
Who are you?
I'm Mr. Clean (kaff-kaff) I'm a "grime-fighter" and I'm here... I'm.. I'm... I'm not feeling too good. (wheeeze)
And you say this "Mr. Clean" just passed out and then a tiny little elf popped out of his ass and preceeded to bake cookies?
Damnest thing! That little elf was the cleanest little shit I ever saw.

 

This is National Banned Book Week. I want to buy all your banned books so I can burn them.
Sure!
Really? You don't mind if I burn them?
Once you buy them, I don't care what you do with them. They'll send me replacements.
So everytime I protest the publication of an objectional title, I actually help increase it's popularity?
Need a match?

 

I've decided not to burn books I find objectional anymore. Instead, I'm just gonna ignor the book in protest!
What book are you ignoring?
"Grover Goes too Far." by F. Z. Fueker. It's full of sexual innuendo and icky bad habits!
Good for you!
Can I get a copy of "Grover Goes too Far?"
Sure!

 

Did Ted Turner stop by while I was gone?
TED TURNER? Some guy who CLAIMED to be Ted Turner came in.
No, it was really him. He has a new book coming out.
Really? Are you sure?
Yep.
Now I wish I hadn't loaned him all that money.

 

Thank you for calling the Book Store, can I help you?
I heard Ted Turner was at your store, is he still there?
No, I'm sorry, he left a while ago.
Well, if he comes back...could you give him a message?
Okay.
Tell him Jane called.

 

I can't do it! (RRRRrrrrrgggggg) I can't do it!
Do it!
Ohhh JEEZ! Ohhhh JEEZ! (grunt) Here it comes!
I can see the head...Almost there.
HERE I AM!
Everytime a Munchkin farts, a monkey gets his wings.

 

9:00 am! Time to open up.
Blah! I've been waiting outside half an hour!
My money not good enough for ya?
Oh, great! Trouble right off the bat.

 

Do you have that book "Wicked" by Gregory Maguire?
Which book?
Yes.
Yes...what?
Witch book!
The one you want.

 

AAArrrrg! Would you be the clerk that recommended the works of John Steinbeck?
Yes. I remember you. Did you like them?
Aye! I've read just about all I could lay me hand on.
Now I'm HOOKED!

 

Why the internet will never completely replace the book store:
Hello! Is anybody here?
Hello! You look like you could use some help. Would you like me to find a book for you?
Get me that one book with the funny looking person on the cover.
Right away!
Is that my baby book?
Your mom cracks me up!

 

I'm cold! It's cold in here. Aren't you cold?
Oh, you poor dear!
?
I'm going to go home and knit you a brand new sweater and buy you some mittens!
Ummm... Wait! My car has a scratch on it, too.

 

So, you were complaining in front of a customer that you were cold and she went out and bought you a new sweater?
But I WAS cold! I didn't expect her to do that.
You're not suppose to except tips from our customers.
I know, I know. But have you ever tried to argue with an octogenarian who's only trying to be nice?
...and rich?

 

I'm freezing! It's cold in here!
-sigh- You're always cold.
Besides, why aren't you wearing that new sweater you conned out of your customer?
Are you kidding? It's far too nice of a sweater to wear here!

 

I'm looking for "The Cat Who Sang at the Grand Ol' Opry" and "The Cat Who Smelled Like Furniture Polish."
I'm sorry, we don't have those.
How about "The Cat Who Peed on the Lawn?"
No. Not that either.
Dang'it! I heard bookstores were a great way to score chicks!

 

More Internet Book Shopping:
How long will it take to ship my book?
We at Internet Books pride our selves in only taking THREE day delivery!
(But it's after noon, so you can't count today. And tomorrow is the start of the weekend, so there are no pick-ups.)
(We will pack it on Monday...so it will leave the warehouse on Tuesday. Three days from then!)
It takes my local book store a whole week to get a book I order!
Those fools!

 

Why is it, that in our lines of work, I am called a "seeing eye dog" but you are called a "drug dog?"
You mean instead of calling me a "smelling nose dog?"
GrrrrRRRRRR! Stop that conversation this instant!
What's his problem?
Him? He's just a "fucking dog."

 

Did you ever get Paris Hilton's "Herpes" yet?
No...but I did get Pamela Anderson's "Clap."
No, thank you.
Are you sure?
It's signed by Tommy Lee.

 

Hello? Honey...are you there?
It's Mom. A minor crisis at home. Your dad almost had to go to the doctor.
He was washing his nether regions in the shower and he discovered a lump.
It swelled up and gave out a gut wrenching smell... but then went away before we could get him to a doctor.
On a sadder note, we think your cat ran away.

 

A friend told me of a book he swears by. He's a priest and he says he carries it around where ever he goes.
I forget the title, but there's a builder in it..and someone named Peter and Michael...I think.
It's full of sex, there's destruction, lots of adventure, some betrayal....and some good ol' fashion ass kickin'!
Sir...I know just what you're asking for! I'll send it to you right away!
Sir, did you order a copy of "Growing Up Bradey," by Barry Williams?

 

Hey, who was Edie Adams?
Ohh..She was a sex symbol from the 50's and 60's known for poking fun of the more well-known sex bombs of the time.
She was in one of my favorite movies of all time, "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World."
Well, do we have a biography about her?
I keep it under "W."

 

You know, my wife thinks you're cute.
Wow. Well thank...WAIT! Is this a bet or something?
You bet I would hit on your wife?...OR that I would Initiate a "Threesome?" Is that it? IT WAS A BET, RIGHT?
Or..or..or... Oh crap! You need help moving furniture!

 

Come on, baby. FEED ME!
But all I have is this Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch.
Oh, man! I need blood. How bout your girlfriend? There Ain't No Woman (Like the One You've Got)
You finished her for breakfast.
Come on, Baby- I Need Your Loving!
Okay, but... just a little off the Top.

 

Are you wearing all my Hello Kitty underwear?
Not exactly. I ate them. Now if you'll excuse me, I will go poop them out now.
?
There's a CLOSET in my MONSTER?

 

You have books about Obama on your shelves? I'm never going to shop here again!
How dare you support McCain by selling his books. Do you want to lose my business?
Where in the hell did she go?
I don't know. Wanna go grab a beer?

 

Haven't I demoralized you yet?
Well, let's see... you stabbed me four times and then complimented me five time today.
So that means you are only 80% demoralized?
Let's just call it 100%.
Nope! Laws of ratio must apply!
ARRRG! Math hath no merthy! Math hath no merthy!

 

I don't know why I'm here. Mr. Blackwell put me on his Ten Worst Dressed List.
Well....He's gone now.
This is the dress I wore that he said he "Would never be caught dead in!"
Well, I should hope not!
He looks much better in the yellow one.

 

I am the T-101-XP. I have been sent to terminate you.
However, my micro-processing unit has allowed me to assimulate human understanding.
Thus interferring with my programing to kill the child, Sarah Connor.
Maybe it's a tumor?

Showing page 31.

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