All comics by Scyess

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by Scyess
2-10-07
Hi. Can I sell you some overly processed inhumanely slain animal products?
Yes. Give me your biggest, bloodiest pile of meat with the face still on.
Fucking vegetarians.
Fucking Texans.

 

by Scyess
2-10-07
The non-binding resolution the House spent weeks trying to pass now faces a tough debate in the Senate.
Having already given each minority its own month and designed special state quarters, Congress soon faces the real possiblity of having to actually do something both binding and effectual.
Fortuanately, insiders suggest a bill may soon be proposed to build a swing set for Congressional recesses.
*whew!* That was a close one.

 

by Scyess
2-12-07
Valentine's Day is not only stupid, it's getting old. Aren't people sick of all this cupid bullshit yet, with the hearts?
I know! That's why I'm going to a still-single party on Wednesday!
What shit. That's just as stale as the orignal holiday.
Well what are you going to do for Valentine's Day, then, oh Romeo of Originality?
Ha! I'll be no one's ever spent Valentine's Day in the morgue with a pink cow before!
Nope. No one but you, that is... every fucking year as long as I can remember.

 

by Scyess
2-13-07
Lips "as red as roses," "ruby" lips, lips "like cherry wine"...
Why does the male image of feminine beauty seem to revolve around a woman who's lips are bleeding?
Well, honestly, y'all're a sight more fun if you've been smacked in the face a few times.
Uh... we're still being facecious, right?
See? Who wouldn't want to smack you for that?

 

by Scyess
2-13-07
All the songs wax about women with "milky skin" or "skin like snow". Reniasannce painters colored their women almost like albinos.
What's so fucking attractive about pasty white flesh, I ask you?!
Er... present company excluded, of course.
I burn easily, okay!

 

by Scyess
2-14-07
Hey, Clive. You're looking interesting today.
Thanks, Jon. I'm securing my rep with my duds' poonicious vibes.
Now remind me again why a 49-year-old gay investment banker needs poonicious vibes...?
I always say, "He who can bury the cocks can pick the stocks."
I'm getting slightly worried the Earth will soon be crushed by the gravity of your pooniciously massive mid-life crisis.
*sob* Please shoot me.

 

by Scyess
2-14-07
Ever vigilant, the master senses an impending challenge.
I just got stood up twice in a row by the same guy.
Ha! I was once stood up every Friday night for a year by a girl with exotropia!
Your pathos-fu is strong.
I will teach you. Let's go play video games for 18 straight hours.

 

by Scyess
2-14-07
AAAOOOROOOOO AAAUUUU OOROOOEEE OWOWAAAA OOOOOOO WWAAEEEE EEEEEEE EEEEAAAAAAA AO EEEE AAA EEEEEEOOOOAA OOEEEE OOOEEEEEE OOOAAOOOOWAAA OOP OOWAROOOEEEEEEEUUH
What's thet noise?
Could be the wind.
OOROOOEEE OWOWAAAA AO OOOOUUUUOOOOOOO EEEEEEOOOOAA OOEEEE OOOEEEEEE OOOAAOOOOWAAA OOP
I don't think it's the wind.
Could be the four dozen howler monkeys I have shoved up my ass.
EEEEEEE EEEEAAAAAAA AO OOOOUUUUOOOOOOO AA EEEE AAA EEEEEEOOOOAA OOEEEE OOOEEEEEE OOOAAOOOOWAAA OOEEEE OOOEEEEEE
Uh...
Could be your radio alarm.

 

by Scyess
2-14-07
Congress today proposted legislation to outlaw the sexual practices known as "sadism & masechism", or S&M.
Fortunately, the bill was non-binding! AHAHAHAHAHA! Get it? GET IT?
Just kidding. Really, every member of Congress will be too busy running for president to do anything for the next 629 days.
Mmmm... emigration.

 

by Scyess
2-14-07
It's been fun, Jon, but I've got to go. The middle school is about to let out.
You said last month you weren't going to rape little girls anymore.
I really just said that to make it seem like I cared about the issue. But really, it was a non-binding New Year's resolution.
I suddenly feel less guilty about exceeding my target carb intake.

 

by Scyess
2-14-07
I've discovered a way to make a fully functioning car using mostly anal lube.
I'm calling it the "gelopy."
Why not the "assomobile"?
I tried that, but it was already reserved for the hearse they're going to use for Dick Cheney's funeral.
I guess someone's looking forward to a stiff Dick in the assomobile.

 

by Scyess
2-15-07
Hey, baby. Did you see me roll up?
I couldn't miss the giant ameoba.
That's not an ameoba! The gelopy is a car made mostly from anal lube.
Really? That sounds like a perfect compliment to my bi-analwartcream-cycle.

 

by Scyess
2-15-07
Because the gelopy is made mostly of anal lube, it's easy to squeeze it into tight parking spots.
It also offers unprecidentedly smooth acceleration.
And just wait until I tell you about the t-
PLEASE don't tell me about the tail pipe.

 

by Scyess
2-15-07
This woman is about to go get a haircut. Let's see what happens.
After the haircut, from his perspective:
Hey, Jon! Notice anything different?
From her perspective:
Uh, new shoes?
What are you? Some sort of moron?

 

by Scyess
2-15-07
Reporters today asked Barak Obama how he wants to be percieved by black voters.
Later, Hillary Clinton was asked at a press conference what her message is to women voters.
One guy in the back had the gall to ask whether Americans might be intelligent enough to look past a candidate's demographics and vote on the acual issues.
Representives from Ebony, Out, and Modern Woman magazines were quick to respond: "Yeah, right."
I sure hope a white male runs so I know who to vote for.

 

by Scyess
2-17-07
I'm back from work, Ed. How was your day?
Great! I emptied out all the cabinets, cleaned them, measured them, replaced the lining in each one and finally, put everything back in alphabetical order!
Uh, did you feed the baby?
I skinned the baby to make the shelf lining.
Dammit, Ed. Just answer the fucking question!
Yes! I fed the little bastard first. Christ! Are you going to look at the shelves or what?

 

by Scyess
2-19-07
Thanks for lunch, Gaylord. What do I owe you?
Nothing. It's on me.
But you always pay!
Ya, but I'm the one who has a job. And a car. And a girlfriend. And a future. And defined abs.
Thanks. We should do this more often.
The pleasure is all mine.

 

by Scyess
2-21-07
My god, Cowdjinn. People are dying out there. Those are real people! They feel pain that I would feel in their place! And millions of others are oppressed!
What's wrong with Jon?
He's having a bad reality trip. We need to get his denial and detachment levels back up. Get him in front of the Wii, and fast!
My guy dies... and he just keeps coming back!
You live in the United States. Nothing bad can ever happen to you.

 

by Scyess
2-22-07
Hey, Justine. Have you managed to find a good man yet?
Nope. The last one was arrested for breaking both my arms.
Maybe you should stop looking for guys at Drunken Violent Assholes Anonymous meetings.
I don't! I met this last one at the Nascar track.
That's what I said.
But those guys aren't even anonymous.

 

by Scyess
2-28-07
Congratulations! You've delivered a healthy baby! It's one of those two things of stuff over there!
They both came out of one of your naughty places. I forget which is which, but the baby is probably less rancid one.
They both kinda look like his daddy.

 

by Scyess
3-01-07
Ah, there's something rejuvinating about the crisp smell of a cool evening around a campfire of oak leaves and sun-dried twigs.
SIR. According to ordinance 4053-90B(12)(c)(r)(m)(q), enjoying the rejuvinating smell of a campfire is considered a terrorist activity.
Ah, there's something rejuvinating about the crisp smell of a cigarette butt guttering in a prison toilet.
Eyes off my cigarette, Mohammed!

 

by Scyess
3-02-07
Last night I drank so much I started to call my ex-girlfriends and beg to get back together.
Then I realized I didn't have any ex-girlfriends, so I drank more, and started to call again, and so on.
I wonder if opium users have this problem.
Opium users don't have girlfriends, either. They use hookahs.

 

by Scyess
3-05-07
Did you slip some Indian flatbreads into your shipment to the bakery without telling anyone?
Maybe I did. So what?
So you've violated your contract, and you'll have to come with me.
I never should've signed that naan-disclosure agreement.
Christ, Stan! First copy-rye infringement, now this.

 

by Scyess
3-06-07
Why do guys think of nothing but sex?
What else is there to think about these days? War, poverty, misgovernance, disease, hatred...
It's not like those are the only options, you know. ...Right? ...Hey! are you even listening to me?
Sex...

 

by Scyess
3-06-07
Can I have your opinion on something?
No.
But I'd be happy to give you half-truths and unverifiable statistics disguised as facts.
I think all the blogs you read are starting to have an undesireable influence.
People who read blogs are more informed. Blog readers are 72% more likely to be satisfied with their lives.

 

by Scyess
3-06-07
They say there's nothing new under the sun.
Poor William Shakespeare. For all his supposed fame, he's been relegated in the modern age to the anonymous pseudonym of "they."
You're a dick.
Like I haven't heard that before.

 

by Scyess
3-07-07
Ah, the good ol' star-spangled banner. It sure does inspire noble thoughts!
Yeah... like why do you never hear of anything spangled except banners? And why are said banners spangled exclusively with stars?
To clarify: it inspires noble thoughts that you should keep to yourself.
I suddenly have a wicked desire to spangle a city bus with miniature godzillas.

 

by Scyess
3-07-07
Ah, America! I love my land!
Where else could an aggrivated statutory rape charge carry less prison time than drunk driving? Ha ha!
Is there something you'd like to tell me, Jim?
Later. Right now, gotta go.

 

by Scyess
3-09-07
Hey, Jim. Look at this smog! I think it's getting a bit out of hand.
Nonsense! It's great.
What's so great about not being able to see three inches in front of your face?
Well, I save a lot of money since clothes aren't really necessary.
Wait... you're naked?
That ain't the half of it! Ask me why that handshake felt so wierd.

 

by Scyess
3-09-07
Hey... I just realized you're always wearing that collared shirt with a tie.
Yeah. So?
It seems to me if you want to make the effort to dress up, you might as well do something that's... you know. In style.
Oh, I don't care about that. I just can't get this darned tie untied.
But... I've known you for six years...
It's a really tight knot, okay?

 

by Scyess
3-13-07
Hey, Jon. Can you help me with my computer? You're better at it than I am.
Oh, really? Well, gosh... that's only because I...
READ THE INSTRUCTIONS!!!!!!!
Great! You can come help me so I don't have to!
Why must literacy become a punishment?

 

by Scyess
3-15-07
I don't know why, but when I go somewhere and see a little kid wandering around still dressed in his pathetic little karate uniform, I just want to...
BEAT THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF THE PATHETIC LITTLE BASTARD!
I hope this doesn't seem too wrong to you.
You forgot the part about stripping him down and chaining him in my S&M dungeon. But otherwise it sounds about right.

 

by Scyess
3-15-07
There was yet another scandal over something or other in Washington today.
The president feigned shock and outrage and set up a bipartisan investigation to look busy until the public forgets about the whole thing.
The committee consists primarily of politicans who want to use the word "bipartisan" in their next campaign.

 

by Scyess
3-15-07
What does "bipartisan politics" mean?
Well, in bipartisan politics, instead of cowtowing to one of the major US political parties...
...you do your damnedest to cowtow to both.
And what do people want to accomplish by doing that?
I think mostly they're trying to diffuse blame.

 

by Scyess
3-18-07
How do you like your present?
What? ... Half a kitten is better than none!
Where's the other half?
Your sister's birthday is only two months away.

 

by Scyess
3-20-07
How the hell can I ever find a girlfriend?
Start a blog and hang around on myspace. That way girls can get to know your true personality.
What if my personality is the problem?
Then perhaps growing old and dying alone might be a viable option.

 

by Scyess
3-21-07
Are you... breaking up with me?
Yep. It's over.
You bastard! Good riddance! Just so you know: your tiny dick never once gave me an orgasim!
Really? Man... sucks for you. I came every time.
So much for attacking his machismo.
Two years without an orgasm! Hahahahahaha!!!!

 

by Scyess
3-21-07
If you break up with me I'll tell everyone how shit you are in bed.
So? Who ever believes sex stories people tell about their exes?
I can be pretty convincing...
Sorry, no. We're done. Bye.
...and she used to gargle my semen to the tune of The Star-Spangled Banner.
That's amazing!

 

by Scyess
3-22-07
I finally know what I want to do with my life! I want to become a manic depressive! Isn't that awesome?
No, it's stupid. You can't just decide to become a manic-depressive.
Oh. **sigh**
Well... then again...
You mean I can do it? Yay!
Are you sure you wouldn't rather become a deaf-mute?

 

by Scyess
3-22-07
Did you pay the trash bill?
No. I don't understand why I should pay someone to take away my stuff.
But the "stuff" in question is just trash.
I know. But it's the principle of the thing.
So it doesn't bother you that the house smells like a neglected dumpster at a hog farm?
Someday, Sanna, you will learn that principles exist to make people feel superior and have no real practical use.

 

by Scyess
3-22-07
How's the kid?
He's a little shit, and I hate him.
Too bad you're stuck with him.
I know. I tried to put him back, but no dice.
You tried to put him back... in the womb?
Yeah. Now besides being a little shit, he has an Oedipus complex.

 

by Scyess
3-22-07
I love the new bathroom decor.
There's no new bathr- ...wait...
Did you smear one of your volumnous onion turds all over my bathroom again?
Define "all over."
First I'll define "castra-defenistration".

 

by Scyess
3-23-07
I'm a substance abuse counselor.
It says here you're a notorious, hardcore drug user.
Look closer. That document is dated ten minutes ago.
Oh! Sorry!

 

by Scyess
3-23-07
What's with the letter?
It's a complaint about how bigoted it is that black people aren't allowed to appear in these comics.
But... I'm black!
The same guy who does the art does the coloring.
Ah.

 

by Scyess
3-26-07
My stupid car has windows that roll down automatically, but you have to hold the button to roll them up! It drives me nuts.
My entire family was slaughtered in a battle between Maoist separatists and Islamic fundamentalists.
I hope that puts your window problem in perspective.
Why? Were they going to come hold the button for me?

 

by Scyess
3-31-07
Oh, shit. That creepy guy who's been looking at us is coming this way.
Let me handle this.
WELL, OF COURSE IF YOU'VE FUCKED 1700 BARNYARD ANIMALS, YOU'RE BOUND TO GET SOME SORT OF DISEASE.
Thanks, I guess... but was the shouting really necessary?
No, but I suddenly remembered when you hooked me up with that Dungeons & Dragons fanatic.

 

by Scyess
3-31-07
IN ORDER TO MAKE COPIES, YOU MUST FIRST ANSWER THIS RIDDLE...
I think corporate security has finally gone off the deep end.
I am not suffering from caffene withdrawal.
You've been carrying that empty cup through the woods for nine days.
What a mess. From now on, no abortions after the 85th trimester.

 

by Scyess
3-31-07
Don't tell anyone, but I'm a necrophiliac.
Don't tell anyone, but I just decided to live forever.
I wear a dress becuase my dick is too long to fit into pants.
I can't decide whether that sounds appealing or not.
So... um... fond of doorways?
No, but I'm becoming increasingly fond of signing up for ju-jitsu lessons.

 

by Scyess
3-31-07
I don't get it. What's the difference between this shit and anything I could do with a magic marker and a blindfold?
About $1.7 million!
Aha! I can see the beauty of my creation has moved your friend to tears. He truly understands the significance of the piece.
Only after I explained it to him.

 

by Scyess
4-01-07
I don't get it. What's the difference between this one and anything I could create by shoving paint up my ass and shitting on a canvas?
The difference, you plebe, is that I thought if it first!
What... did he mean by that?
You didn't notice the name of this exhibition is Subconscious Messages from My Ass X][?

Showing page 34.

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