All comics by Scyess

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by Scyess
6-16-07
How about working on some improvements around the house this weekend?
Hey, that's a great idea! I can... oh, wait...
That would require an output of time, money, and energy on my part. But you're more than welcome to go ahead.
This isn't my house.
Christ... you're just full of excuses, aren't you?

 

by Scyess
6-16-07
I'm tired of being pidgeon-holed into the "soul devouring demon" category.
But, aren't you -- you know -- a soul devouring demon?
See? That kind of thing is exactly what I'm talking about.
Okay. So what do you want to do instead?
I could take up tango lessons again.
Oh, and your tenticles won't melt your partners' faces this time because...?

 

by Scyess
6-18-07
Dammit, if you don't quiet down up here I'm going to have to separate you!
Dad! There's no one here but me!
I mean I'm going to have to separate you into five pieces of roughly equal size and mail you to different states.
Your daughter is so well-behaved. How do you do it?
Love. Love and a highly visible machete collection.

 

by Scyess
6-18-07
So what's with the miniature spelunking gear in the corner?
Oh, that. I sometimes can't get all the lint out of my belly button, so I hire a midget to come clean it out for me.
I've been gaining a little weight lately.
You don't say!

 

by Scyess
6-18-07
Hi. I'd like to offer you a $90K / year IT job where you wait for weeks on end for the one thing you need before you can do anything useful.
Hi. I'd like to offer you $15 to wrap yourself in razor wire and roll down this hill.
Ow! That looks really painful! Why is Jon doing that?
Believe me, there are worse jobs.

 

by Scyess
6-19-07
When I was a kid, I could burp The Star-Spangled Banner.
That's nothing! I can shit the star-spangled banner!
GUHHHRHRRRAAAAHH!!!!!
At least you're getting enough fiber in your diet.
Um... got a mop?

 

by Scyess
6-22-07
Sorry to hear you're quitting.
Yeah.
I guilted everyone into signing a card with generic farewell messages.
Thanks. Even though it's obviously a trite, shallow gesture, this card will help me pretend that I actually talked to the people here occasionally.
It's been nice working with you, Jerry.
"Jon."

 

by Scyess
6-22-07
I need your help, Samantha. Do you have any cure for a hopeless romantic?
I have two. Here you go.
Um, it's a wedding ring and a condom...?
Yes. What's so hard about that?
I don't understand the condom part.
It leaks.

 

by Scyess
6-25-07
Raw sewage! You always hear about "raw sewage!" You never hear about baked sewage, or roasted sewage, or stewed sewage, or...
I have a kebab recipe you might be interested in.
Tell me you're kidding.
Okay.

 

by Scyess
6-25-07
So what's this fantastic investment scheme you want to sell me on?
Okay! We'll buy a house in LA about a four miles from the beach.
That's pretty far from the beach.
Then we buy a fleet of SUVs and run them constantly, melting the polar ice caps and creating beach front property.
That's a stupid way to make money, but I'm in for anything that leads to parts of LA sinking into the ocean.
And the SUVs will be green! Isn't that a hoot?

 

by Scyess
6-26-07
Ask a Gay Man Anything
Next question is from Roger in New Mexico. He asks: "So do you fudge-packing ass-clowns get turned on by the smell of shit?"
Well, Roger. In all the years I've been doing this, that's the most offisive question I've ever gotten.
Ask a Gay Man Anything
But yes! Yes yes and yes again! Oh, god yes!
Ask a Gay Man Anything
Roger's follow up question: "Does that mean you can fart your way to an erection?"
Let's just say, Roger, you wouldn't want to be in front of me in a crowded elevator at a Mexican restaraunt.

 

by Scyess
6-26-07
We will now show footage of Alice Kerfbladt, age 43, weeping heart-rending tears because the house she bought with a "sub-prime" loan is about to be reposessed.
However, we're not going to ask her whether she read the contract before borrowing hundreds of thousands of dollars. We're sure it was just really hard to understand.
We'll also not ask why she went hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt without understanding the contract, because she's in too delicate a state to have to face her own blatant idiocy.

 

by Scyess
6-28-07
My leg is a little sore today.
Get a metal coat hanger, unfold it, and wrap one end around your leg. Then put the other end in the light socket.
That didn't really help.
Never said it would.

 

by Scyess
6-29-07
I was really excited about going to the south pole. I had everything ready, but then I just lost interest.
Mm-hm.
Then I decided to go to the north pole! I was practically out the door before I just gave up.
Ah-huh.
So what's the diagnosis, doc?
I suppose I should tell you you have bipolar disorder, but I think you're just an idiot.

 

by Scyess
6-29-07
I've read Lord of the Rings four dozen times! I can answer any question you can possibly pose!
Okay, let's see...
Who is Dick Cheney?
Oh, man. Tough one. Was it Sauron's spy minion?
Close enough.

 

by Scyess
6-30-07
♫ Oh, I'm a bee! Hear me roar! I'll be here for ever more! ♫
♫ I get the pollen to make honey! I don't need sex or clothes or money! ♫
♫ I've got the touch! I've got the sting! I've got six legs! You've got nothing! ♫
♫ I fly about all day and night and never whine or get upt-GAH!!
Aw. He hit a bad note when you squashed him.
No. It was a bee flat.

 

by Scyess
7-14-07
Searching... searching... searching... searching...
URETHRA!!!!
I think you mean "eureka."
Obviously, you don't know what it is that I found.
Ew.

 

by Scyess
7-16-07
Can I have the last banana?
Nope. I already called dibs.
HEAR YE! I, JON, KING OF THIS HOUSE, DO HEREBY DECREE THIS YELLOW FRUIT TO BE SOLE AND SOVERIGN PROPERTY OF THE STATE: MEANING ME. **chomp**
You didn't bring much lunch today, Sanna. Where's the rest of it?
It was banannexed.

 

by Scyess
7-16-07
How was your trip to the tropics, Earl?
Terrible. I went to a small, hot island nation whose survival depends entirely on fruit.
Fruit doesn't sound so bad.
They love fruit so much, they made a piece of fruit their king and elect only fruit to parliament. Needless to say, the place is in a state of total chaos.
Well, that's certainly a very interesting system of government.
They call it bananarchy.

 

by Scyess
7-23-07
Don't worry, Grandpa. You're going to make it!
No, Hal. *cough cough* I'm at the end of my life. In dying I have only one regret.
*sob* What's that, Grandpa?
That I'll never see the last Harry Potter movie. *choke cough hack... die*
I suppose it was nice of him, in the end, to make us glad he was dead.
The old bastard couldn't read a fucking book?

 

by Scyess
7-23-07
You gonna pull through, Grandpa?
I think my time is up, Jim. But I'll leave this life with only one regret...
... is it that you tied my grandmother to a barn post and raped every oriface she has?
Hell, no. That was a great time.
Yeah, it was. I'm still surprised they acquitted us.
Why don't you bring her in here? We'll have one last go at her for old time's sake.

 

by Scyess
8-16-07
See ya later, Reddy. Give your girlfriend a kiss for me.
Nah.
C'mon! She loves the way I kiss!
Er... what?
Um... I mean... she loves the way you kiss. When you, er, pretend to be me.
Just leave already.

 

by Scyess
8-16-07
And here we have the tallest building this side of the Mississippi!
Um, aren't you kind of stretching it to get to a superlative?
No. This is an historic tour full of significant and interesting facts. And I'll thank you not to ask obviuosly stupid questions like that!
...and here we have the longest bridge over a river whose name starts with "K" to ever have been walked over backwards by a left-handed dentist.

 

by Scyess
8-17-07
And now... a Star Trek nerd with a real phaser and a comical Scandinavian accent attempts to rob a liquor store clerk with sort-of-Spanishy clothes and a shitty fake Mexican accent.
A giive-a me da....
CLOSE YOUR MOUTH, YOU PIECE OF SHIT! DO YOU THINK I WANT TO WASTE MY TIME TRYING TO TYPE OUT YOUR FUCKING COMICAL SCANDANAVIAN ACCENT?!??!
GGGAAAAHHH!!!!!
AY CARUMBA!
There. Now you can empty the register without the exposition, you foriegn herring fucker.
Oopsa.

 

by Scyess
8-21-07
Man... I wish I could speak a foreign language.
Yes. Me too.
What? I thought you could speak half a dozen languages.
Actually, I speak ten languages, but they're all native to my home country, so they're not really "foreign."
If you're trying to make me feel like a big, dumb American, you're succeeding.
That was my intent, yes.

 

by Scyess
8-21-07
So I managed to get a date tonight with a girl who's way smarter than me.
If she's so smart, why the hell did she agree to go out with you?
Oh, wait... she's only smarter than you. Never mind.
Thanks; I was hoping you could build up my confidence like that.

 

by Scyess
8-21-07
I'm really nervous about my date with this smart girl...
If she really is that smart, why is she going out with you?
Well, I might've sort of subtly implied that the date could possibly in some way or another be with someone else.
Sorry, 5 minutes is taken. But there's still room in the pool if you want to bet the date lasts fifteen.
You'd better give me damned good odds, buddy.

 

by Scyess
8-21-07
If your date is so smart, why are you taking her to a creationist lecture?
Smart people like lectures! And besides, Dr. McDermophbladt is not a creationist!
...and through my research I believe I have proved beyond all reasonable doubt that humans did not evolve from apes... but from bananas!
What the hell is he, then?
He's a bananthropologist.

 

by Scyess
8-21-07
Ew... who left this banana on the counter until it got black and mush-...
Oh, god. That look on your face. You're going to hit me with some horibble bastardized banana word like "bananold" or "blacknana" or... or...
"Bananachronism!"
** gag * cough * choke**
Woah, there. Don't have a bananeurism.

 

by Scyess
8-21-07
You're so ridiculously intelligent... what kind of things do you like to do on a date?
Well, I'm very smart, it's true. But when I go out what I really like to do is snog my date raw.
Wow, really?
Yes. Now when does my date get here? I'm ready to get started.
Oh, yes. Well about this "other guy" I set you up with...
He's a lot cuter than you, right?

 

by Scyess
8-22-07
We're about to do the oil change. Do you want synthetic oil?
No way! Do you have any all-natural, organic, preservative-free oil or something?
Hold on, let me check the back...
I checked. The manual says its okay to trepan you with a carburator.
Is it a holistic carburator?

 

by Scyess
8-23-07
Can you belive it? I got a fortune cookie yesterday that said, "Your life will soon take a turn for the better."
Like I needed more proof that those things are always wrong.
Mine said, "You will end up dressed as a nun talking to the only other survivor after the city is destroyed by capybaras armed with nuclear squeegees.
I am not talking to you any more, Arnie.
Oh. I guess it was wrong, then.

 

by Scyess
8-23-07
I wonder why no one will engage me in a theological discussion.
Hi, Sister.
God hates black people and all other religions are crap.
I guess the art of debate is dead.

 

by Scyess
8-24-07
How was your date?
It was terrible! She's cute, funny, incredibly smart, interesting, in great shape, and horny.
Wait... how is that terrible?
Cowdjinn! That's exactly the type of girl who would rather hurl herself out a window than be on a date with me.
That would explain why you took her to that restaraunt over the trampoline factory.
After seven tries she just took the stairs.

 

by Scyess
8-30-07
It's time for the American public to bard our loins for yet another presidential primary.
I think you mean "gird our loins."
Really?
Yeah. Barding our loins would mean wrapping them in bacon.
Although, I guess... if you really wanted to...
OBJECTION!

 

by Scyess
9-10-07
Did you hear? They published my book of philosophy!
Really? You wrote a book on philosophy?
Stuff? Fuck stuff. And fuck other people. And fuck you for reading this book. What're you, fucking stupid? Why the fuck do you care what the fuck I think? So go get fucked, you fucking fuckbag.
Well... it's more like a collection of thoughts.
One of these days, I want to do something intellectual, too.

 

by Scyess
9-11-07
Who can tell me what hideous diseases infect this horrible sexual deviant, class?
No one?
Sally McAlgot can.
"No I canNOT!"
Well, you'll be able to in a few weeks.
Class dismissed!

 

by Scyess
9-11-07
Who can tell me what hideous diseases infect this horrible sexual deviant, class?
"Hellfire!" "Damnation!" "Eternity with the devil!" "Constant burning!" "Judgement Day!" "Pits of flaming brimstone!" "Purgatory!"
Man... I hate doing these things at Sunday School.
Actually, whoever said "constant burning" was dead-on.

 

by Scyess
9-11-07
Who can tell me what hideous diseases infect this horrible sexual deviant, class?
No one wants to field a guess? C'mon! Who says gonnorhea? Siphylus? AIDS? Genital warts? Herpes? Lots to choose from! Give it a try!
The first one to guess one gets a lolipop!
This is the last time I get tested at a free clinc.

 

by Scyess
9-13-07
Let's blast this pathetic planet and everyone on it into nothingness! Destroy them!
I said DESTROY THEM!!!!!
**sigh** Destroy them, please.
Counting down from ten...

 

by Scyess
9-13-07
I'm so proud of you, son. An established super-hero! All the other mothers would be so jealous if they knew.
Go find those evil doers, son. Destroy them! Make me proud!
Can't we go just one night without my having to wear this outfit, ma?
You will indulge my fantasy about why you're 35 and still living at home or no dinner for you, young man.

 

by Scyess
9-17-07
Hi there! I'm calling about your personal ad. You sound wonderful!
Thank ya, li'l lady! I'm pretty happy to find a woman who likes skull-fucking babies to death.
Wait... WHAT?
Er... I mean who likes romantic vacations to the Carribian.
**click**
I gotta remember to ask which ad they're answering.

 

by Scyess
9-19-07

 

by Scyess
9-19-07
"They're going to merge our high school with two other districts! Our baseball team will cease to exist! We'll fight this with all we've got!!"
"We'll give them one hell of a last season to tell them what this team really means to this town!"
Coming this fall: the story of a town with nothing more substantial in their lives than fucking high-school baseball. We bet you just can't wait to watch this festering turd.

 

by Scyess
9-21-07
Hey, Jon... do you know how to smoke a trout?
A trout? No, but I used to smoke wolves a lot.
You smoked wolves?
Yeah, but I had to give it up. I was smoking two packs a day!
You don't have any useful skills at all, do you?
Well, until just now I had the skill of obscuring my uselessness with redirecting humor.

 

by Scyess
9-21-07
I know today is "casual Friday," but pants are still required.
It's okay. I don't work here.
Then why are you here?
Mostly to let you working schleps know what freedom you could have if you weren't so worried about your precious jobs.
Could I at least persuade you to put on some underwear?
I see you've already forgotten the meaning of "freedom."

 

by Scyess
9-21-07
When you're surfing for porn, do you ever worry that you'll accidentally click a button that allows everyone you know to view your screen remotely?
Dammit. You know I don't surf for porn. I was just going to look up some strudel recipies.
Damn you!
Uh-huh.

 

by Scyess
9-28-07
Hi, Jon.
Hi, Sanna. Or should I call you... DR. DEBOYSEN!!!
Uh, what?
That's right! I've discovered your secret identity! And I will use this knowledge to shut down your secret ring of gnome-meat processing plants!!!
I'm going to try this converastion one more time. "Hi, Jon."
Is it hard to talk with a mouth full of corned gnome, you bastard?

 

by Scyess
9-28-07
The secret of eternal youth and beauty can be yours! Just chew Dr. Jon's Rhinocerous Dung Balls three times a day!
Can you believe that? People will do anything if they think it will make them look good.
Damn straight. That's why I came up with the idea.
YOU'RE Dr. Jon? Where the hell are you going to get that much rhinocerous dung?
Let's just say that everyone in this house is on a high fiber diet for a while.

 

by Scyess
10-12-07
Nice to meet you, Jon. I'm Gay Gobbler.
Wow. At least you're not in the closet.
I'm not. In fact, I'm not even gay. It's short for "Gaylord Gobefriedel."
Er, do you find a lot of confusion when you introduce yourself as "Gay Gobbler"?
It's better than when I was growing up. Then I went by my first name, "Pleaseshitonmyface."
I'm guessing you weren't a planned pregnancy.

Showing page 36.

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