All comics by Scyess

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by Scyess
2-21-08
Did you go to that chiropractor I recommended?
I was going to, but getting there was a pain in the neck.
What about the energy healer?
I was shocked just talking with her!
I suppose the acupuncturist was a pain the neck, too, then?
No, but he was kind of a prick.

 

by Scyess
2-22-08
So what did you end up doing last night?
I rented Chicago.
Hey, I liked that movie.
Not the movie. The city. I thought it would be nice to have it to myself for a change.
Um... sounds like... fun.
That reminds me: can you loan me several million dollars?

 

by Scyess
2-22-08
So you finally broke down and bought an iPod, eh? Where is it?
It's right here in my hand.
But that's just a dog turd with a white cord sticking out of it.
It's labelled, "iPoo."
I thought that was a typo.

 

by Scyess
2-25-08
Hey, Jon. I haven't seen you in forever. What're you up to?
I've found this cool new hobby! I collect things like locks, buttons, latches, eyes-and-sockets... things that can close other things.
Uh... and you think that's interesting?
Are you kidding? It's FASTEN-ATING!!
Now I remember why I haven't seen you in forever.
me too...

 

by Scyess
2-25-08
I had the craziest weekend, bro. We snuck into Mexico for a weekend of debauchery. I woke up with a condom in my ass, and I think I'm missing a kidney.
No worries, mate. I just so happen to have an extra kidney at my desk.
What kind of condoms do you use?
Certainly not banana-flavored glow-in-the-dark Trojan Magunum studded swirlies, that's for sure.

 

by Scyess
2-25-08
I had the craziest weekend, bro. We snuck into Mexico for a weekend of debauchery. I woke up with a condom in my ass, and I think I'm missing a kidney.
That's nothing! I watched motocross on cable, and this guy lost control and almost hit the railing!
VROOM! VROOM VROOOOM!
You live with your mother, don't you?
Yes, but she was out of town this weekend. I don't know where she was but she came home with a strap-on and a kidney.

 

by Scyess
2-25-08
I had the craziest weekend, bro. We snuck into Mexico for a weekend of debauchery. I woke up with a condom in my ass, and I think I'm missing a kidney.
"Attention all employees. If anyone lost a kidney in the parking lot, please come to the front desk and describe it to claim it."
Oh. I guess I should go check.
While you're up there, see if anyone who was in your ass can describe that condom.

 

by Scyess
2-25-08
I had the craziest weekend, bro. We snuck into Mexico for a weekend of debauchery. I woke up with a condom in my ass, and I think I'm missing a kidney.
Cool. I snuck into Canada.
...and...?
And that's about it.
I think I won the weekend.
Your excratory system and I disagree.

 

by Scyess
2-25-08
Oh, man. I asked this woman when the baby was due today, but it turns out she wasn't pregnant!
Oh, man. How did you get out of that one?
Oh, sorry. It must just be your big fat gut that makes you look pregnant.
Very delecate.
Well... it's not like any excuse I made would've fooled her.

 

by Scyess
2-28-08
Damn, Jon! This is the tastiest vegan cabbage I've ever eaten! What's your secret?
Well... butter. Lots of butter.
Also lamb bones and bacon fat.
I would slap you for desecrating your fellow living creatures if they weren't so damned tasty.
I'm sure they'd understand if they knew just how tasty they really are.

 

by Scyess
3-09-08
Wow. You really did it.
Pretty wild, right?!
I can't believe you got one of those whorish tatoos right above your ass crack.
So what do you think?
I think that's going to look pretty stupid when you're 80.
Don't worry. The guy says when this one gets wrinkly, it turns into a list of prescription medications.

 

by Scyess
3-11-08
Man... some times I feel like a loser with a capital L.
Yeah. Some days I feel like a loser with a capital OSER
Maybe we should go out sometime.
No, thanks. I try not to date losers.

 

by Scyess
3-11-08
There's this guy at work who is really slowing things down, but I can't convince anyone to fire him.
That sucks. What're you going to do?
What I did do was dress entirely in cubicle-wall-fabric, sneak up behind him, flying tackle him, and start gnawing at his ankles.
How was that supposed to help?
Well, let's just say nothing at that particular job will be bothering me anymore.

 

by Scyess
3-15-08
Our new head of department is said to be quite a strange guy. I wonder when he'll turn up here.
There already.
So? What's he like?
He is strange. Can't even read minds.

 

by Scyess
3-20-08
So how's Frubert?
Gay. We're divorced now.
Oh my gosh! I didn't know. Was it hard for you?
Not half as hard as convincing him he was gay in the first place.
Uuhhhh...
I mean, everyone else knew. I'm just glad I don't have to see Cats again.

 

by Scyess
3-20-08
Hey. Do you like hugs?
Well, shit, bitch! I'd have to be one cold-ass motherfucking bastard not to like goddamned hugs! Get your ass over here!
...but her mom punched me in the face before I got my hug.
You got this girl's number? I've got a "hug" she'll enjoy.

 

by Scyess
3-22-08
I can't believe you'd stand here and admit to me, a near total stranger, that you are a prostitute!
I didn't say I'm a prostitute. I said I'm an excellent hooker.
Hooker... prostitute... what's the difference?
I'm a fisherman. I hook fish.
YOU SELL YOURSELF TO FISH!? THAT'S DISGUSTING!!!
I'm also a master baiter.

 

by Scyess
4-05-08
You know, procrastination will never get you anything.
JON! IT IS YOUR TIME TO GO!
Uh, how about we do this later?
So, is there anything else I can prove you wrong about?
If you don't pay your taxes, the IRS will surely find out!

 

by Scyess
4-05-08
Good morning, sir! We're with Jehovah's Witnesses, and we...
Stop right der, ya mook. If ya knows what's good fer ya, you didn't see NUTHIN'. See?
Man. This job sucks during The Godfather marathon weekend.
We should've been Jewish.

 

by Scyess
4-09-08
Hey, handsome. How about you and me sneak into that duck blind and get it on?
Um... I guess... I mean... hell yeah!
Oops! Gotta go!
Hey! Hey, wait!!!
Sometimes I hate women.
Tell me about it. I think my girlfriend is cheating on me, but somehow I can never catch her at it.

 

by Scyess
4-09-08
Torture you all me want, American! This body feels pain, but it is only a dwelling place for my soul, which you cannot touch.
Well, actually...
Your soul moved out three weeks ago into my brand new, fully-furnished, high-rise apartment complex.
Sorry, man. The terms were really good. You can keep the security deposit.
I knew that no pets policy was going to bite me in the ass someday.
Now let's get back to business. Tell me where you hid my Scrabble board, or else.

 

by Scyess
4-14-08
My latest invention will make me rich! I call it "Sex-Lax"! It --
Please. I don't want to know.
No, this is great! All you do is --
I'll give you $20 to stop right now.
This Sex-Lax stuff is a real money maker! I've made $20 already and all I did was --
I'll give you $20 if you don't tell me.

 

by Scyess
4-24-08
As you can see, the equasion makes perfect sense.
The invariants are solid, the formulas are proven deductively, and the math has been checked three times by computer.
There is no way you can reasonably refute the conclusion.
But I don't want to let you touch my boobs!

 

by Scyess
4-24-08
As you can see, the equasion makes perfect sense.
What doesn't make sense is why you wrote it out in spaghetti you stuck to the wall.
I'm going for the "crazy genius" angle to get my tenure.
You might need more than the Pythagorean Theorm to hit that "genius" part.

 

by Scyess
4-24-08
As you can see, the equasion makes perfect sense.
No, I don't get it.
I think the part you're confused about is the unusual application of L'Hospital's rule to a system with two...
No, I'm confused about that part in the middle of the board. The white things.
Those are called "numbers."
Woah! I thought I told you I'm a liberal arts major!

 

by Scyess
4-24-08
As you can see, the equation makes perfect sense.
Impossible. If that were true, an intra-dimentional doorway would open up right here in this office right about...
now.
So do I get the grant?
We'll review your proposal and get back to you.

 

by Scyess
5-02-08
Okay... if I'm right, Debbie's desk should be right above this spot...
Hold it right there!

 

by Scyess
5-06-08
Did you see Ultimate Fighting Championship on TV last night?
I'm not really interested in watching one person win a meaningless title while everyone else is dubbed a "loser."
Healthy competition is the only real test of courage left these days.
Maybe real courage is to defy society's rediculous notion that people have to "defeat" other people at something to have merit.
Maybe you just like describing your crackpot ideas with positive words like "courage" while secretly being a weenie who could never manage to win anything in his life.
Maybe...

 

by Scyess
5-12-08
According to my test results, you should take your hippopotomus off display immediately.
But he's the zoo's biggest attraction! It's vital he remains on display.
I'm sorry. I'm just going by the tests.
Those are the same results the other zoo's hippo got, and you didn't take him off display!
Okay. Maybe your hippo is just uglier.
You, sir, are a hypocritical critical-hippo hippo-critic.

 

by Scyess
6-05-08
Bring on the Funk! Bring on the Funk! Bring on the Funk! Bring on the Funk! Bring on the Funk!
Hey yo!
Oh, man. I hate it when abstract concepts physically materialize at a rhetorical request.
Well! Excuse me for living.

 

by Scyess
6-12-08
What's going on, Reggie? Why the hell is my desk cleared out? Have I been laid off?
Oh, no. Nothing like that. You've been traded.
Fucking WHAT? Can you do that?
You should've read your contract more carefully. But don't worry.
We've traded you for someone with a comperable skill set.
Would you like to make that a combo for just $1.50 extra?

 

by Scyess
6-22-08
wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee
WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE
I hate taking your friend home.
Yeah. That's why I stay here.

 

by Scyess
6-22-08
Hi there. I'm Jon.
Before we continue this pick-up, Jon, I should let you know that I'm biceptual.
That's okay. I'm confident enough to date a girl who also likes girls.
No, not bisexual. I like men with actual muscle tone. Unlike, for example, yourself.
So anyway. You were saying?

 

by Scyess
6-22-08
Were you breast fed, Jon?
You know, Jim, I really don't remember.
Let's just say "not recently."
Yeah, me either.
Why do you even care?
I was going to see if you wanted to go down to Starbucks for a Breastaccino.

 

by Scyess
6-25-08
At the AU...
We need to do something about the genocide in Darfur.
Yes... but without setting precident to threaten our own soverign autonomy.
... at the UN...
The genocide in Western Sudan is getting out of hand.
We've already got sanctions... can we do more without invading?
Meanwhile, in the USA...
I'm sorry, but Nazi genocide TOTALLY KICKS SUDANESE GENOCIDE'S ASS!!!
Bullshit! The Nazis were systematic, but they never came up with raping children to death!

 

by Scyess
7-05-08
And... well... I've always dreamed of losing my virginity to an older guy...
Oh, no! Don't do it! Trust me... that's a TERRIBLE idea!
Wait... unless you were implying that I'm an older guy...
I was... but now I'm just wondering what experience you have losing your virginity to an older guy.

 

by Scyess
7-06-08
Unmarried guys:
Hey, do you hear those bells?
Yes... I wonder whether it's a wedding or a funeral.
Married guy:
Po-tay-to, po-tah-to
Why guys continue to get married:
I think it's a buffet.
Well, shit! Let's go!

 

by Scyess
7-07-08
In the news: Ex-Beatle Ringo Star called for peace and love for his birthday today.
This went wildly against predictions, which had largely been in favor of his calling for war and hate.
Stock markets plumeted and armies were mobilized at the momentous news. Stay tuned for important updates as this fascinating story unfolds.

 

by Scyess
7-09-08
Gah! My prisoner is getting away! Sieze her! Sieze her!
What? I'm right here. You don't have to shout.
You're a shitty henchman. You know that?
Well, fine! I'll just go start my own empire or something. Hurtful bitch.

 

by Scyess
7-13-08
Doctor... I can't feel my right leg!
Bah! You're fine! Get out of here!
Uh, doc? I've become a troll. And my hand is a fish.
It's perfectly normal. Move along.
When 9 out of 10 doctors recommend something... you're the 10th one, aren't you?
Don't be silly. And get out of my office, you hypochondriac!

 

by Scyess
7-14-08
It doesn't seem fair... men hit their sexual peak at 18 and women don't get there until 35.
You're right... it doesn't seem fair...
...until you realize that you have no idea what "sexual peak" means.
Dammit! It's a statistic! It must mean something!
I'm guessing it means some horny PhD students scored a sex-research grant and had to come up with something fast.

 

by Scyess
7-31-08
What's new, Frank?
I've just been diagnosed with high blood pressure.
Yo, Frank! Was that your mom I saw getting felt up by John McCain's economic advisory committee behind the 7-11?
That wasn't very nice.
I didn't see you offering up any dénouement for this comic, fucker.

 

by Scyess
7-31-08
Your bottle of Drambuie comes to $38.29, sir.
Wait... you just called me "sir," and you didn't card me...
We have a $5.00 surcharge for clichés about aging.
I didn't say nothin'!

 

by Scyess
8-12-08
You look down, Jon. What's wrong?
I'm hungry.
So go eat something.
But I just ate lunch. And breakfast this morning!
You're right. By "eat something" I really meant "fret yourself sick over stupid shit that doesn't matter."
It burns a lot of calories.

 

by Scyess
8-18-08
You know those glow-in-the-dark basketballs we shipped last month?
Yeah.
Well, they get so hot that they've been burning kids. We need to do a complete recall.
Shit. That'll cost us millions. I'll get Al Gore on it.
Care to donate some money to help combat glow-ball warming?
Sure!

 

by Scyess
8-20-08
If you cut a worm in half, it will grow into two new worms.
I understand that, but I'm sorry... it just doesn't work on babies.
Oh.
If you cut a worm in half, it keeps it from bawling at the top of its lungs for an entire 14-hour international flight.
Now you may be on to something.

 

by Scyess
8-28-08
I worry that when I try to smile, it always looks fake. That's why I keep a pack of Jell-O in my underwear.
If I ever need to smile, I pull a secret string in my pocket that releases the Jell-O. Voila! Instant mirth!
Why are you making habenero Jell-O?
It makes smiles contagious!

 

by Scyess
10-31-08
Hey, there. Wanna fool around?
Nah. I'm just going to read a little.
Why aren't you reading that book on sexual positions I got you?
I'm tired. I want to be able to devote all my energy to that book when I read it.
You're reading an article about the evolution of financial instruments from the 1900's.
The ebb and flow of currency markets help me relax.

 

by Scyess
11-10-08
"Attention, employees. Wednesday and Thursday will be 'jeans' days for annual cubicle clean-up week."
"However, Friday will be white tie and tails, to make up for the resulting formality deficit."
Corporate dress codes are so bizarre.
Dude... don't you know it's an even-dated Monday?

 

by Scyess
12-11-08
Are you going to get me anything for Christmas...?
Sure. How about...
A ONE-WAY TRIP TO HELL!!!!
Aw! That's what I asked for!
You're getting insulated mittens. But I won't be upset if you guys trade later.

Showing page 38.

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