All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
8-04-04
MMMMMMMM AH!
Oh my god, I can't believe you just took a crap in Satan's underwear drawer!
Relax. Satan and I always play practical jokes on eachother. Besides, how could he possibly top this one?
I don't know ... Satan's pretty crafty ...
... So I get my soul back if I implant the Fun Factory in her sphincter?
Absolutely. But remember, it has to be set to come out in the shape of a pentagram.

 

by kaufman
8-08-04
Hollywood, 1929
I've decided to go with Mickey. I'm very sorry, but YOU'RE FIRED.
But Mr. Disney, you're making a big mistake. Who in their right mind would want to buy a wristwatch with a MOUSE on it?
I can't believe he chose that stupid mouse. I'm the best wristwatch model in the land. He just kicked me out because I'm UGLY.
Excuse me, did you say you were a wristwatch model? I've been looking high and low for someone's face to put on a watch. How'd you like to work for me?
Really? You mean it? Oh, believe me, you won't regret it, Mr. uh...
The name's Dali. Salvador Dali.

 

by kaufman
8-09-04
.ananaB
?tiurf a emaN
.snommiS drahciR
tiurf rehtona emaN
.yrroS
gniggof er'uoy ,yeH rorrim eht pu

 

by kaufman
8-10-04
Excuse me, miss, how would you like to have a good time?
Wait a minute, I recognize you, you're Ahmet Naharopian, the famed Indian male prostitute. I hear you're great. Tell me, what are your rates?
$2500 for a three minute quickie, $750 for 20 minutes, and $3.50 for the full hour.
Whoa, what a bargain! I think I'll take a full hour with you.
That's incredible. You really had a date with Ahmet Naharopian! But one thing I don't get, why that inverted price scale?
Three words: Bed of nails.

 

by kaufman
8-11-04
tick

 

by kaufman
8-11-04
God created the entire earth in six days.
That doesn't seem that hard for God to have done.
Let me put it this way: He made the land and the seas and the fish and the birds ...
... and while doing that, God could only play Stairway to Heaven 1073 times before he finished.
Whoaaaaaaaa.

 

by kaufman
8-11-04
Maybe God could have several stereos hooked up, so he could have a bunch of different Stairway to Heavens playing at once.
Yes, I suppose that's possible.
Though he might have trouble deciding which one to air-guitar to. But hold on, there's a problem.
What is it now?
Wasn't God more of a Clapton fan?
Fine! 1214 Laylas, and boom, the world is done. Happy?

 

by kaufman
8-11-04
I think I've got it. The Big Guy sets up all sorts of high-end digital equipment, and simultaneously runs...
1073 Stairways, 1214 Laylas, 370 Dark Stars, and 22,539 Her Majesties. Right?
Right. Not to mention 1460 Bohemian Rhapsodies and over 520 In-A-Gadda-Da-Vidas.
And you're telling me that after all that, he only rested for ONE day? That would take some serious miracles!
You're right. He must have also had 2864 Tears of a Clowns running.

 

by kaufman
8-17-04
.
.

 

by kaufman
8-18-04
Oh look, it's so bright! Can we take it home? Please?
Are you kidding? That thing will ruin our furniture, eat all our green M&Ms, crap on the carpet, and snore earsplittingly loud, not to mention blind you out of seeing anything else.
I guess you're right. Plus, its brilliance makes everything around it look so dingy. Our house would look AWFUL.
You're telling me. Ugh, I can't stand looking at it anymore. Let's get out of here.
SIGH! Just another day in the life of the unbearable being of lightness.

 

by kaufman
8-24-04
hhh hhh hhh hhh hhh hhh hhh hhh hhh hhh hhh hhh hhh hhh
Cut that out already, you're drooling all over me.

 

by kaufman
8-25-04
We've detected a probe coming toward earth called PNTS. I want you to look at it.
Right-O
There it is, Captain, it looks like a pair of pants.
Oh my god, Uhura, those must be the pants I shot into space 30 years ago. I must destroy them. I'm going out there.
Listen, PNTS, know why a golfer wears two pairs of pants? In case he makes a HOLE-IN-ONE! Hahahaha!
Error. Error. Error. Error ...

 

by kaufman
8-25-04
Jes, Mr. Chekov, I will put pants into your ear. I can tell zat is your fantasy.
AIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!
Carol, what have you been doing since you got into my pants?
Nothing much, just creating worlds.
Spock, get out of those pants. They're too big. They must be size 36,409. You could fit a town in there!
At times the pants of the many are greater than the pants of the few, or the one.

 

by kaufman
8-25-04
We found this baby. If we can get some pants on him, Spock may come back to life.
What's the word, Bones?
I'm sorry, captain. The cling-on spandex suffocated your son.
Captain, your lack of pants is not logical.
Hooray, he's back to normal!

 

by kaufman
8-25-04
Don't you see, Scotty? We need to go back to 20th century earth because ther's a big sale on then at Pants Hut.
Sooooo?
Remember, we are supposed to blend in here.
Don't worry about it ... Excuse me sir, we are looking for the pleated Bermudas.
So long, and thanks for all the pants!

 

by kaufman
8-25-04
Hello, boorite.
Hi, mom. Did you get the mail?
Yes I did, and before you ask, no, there's nothing from that Suzie Derkins, just like there hasn't been every day for the last 22 years.
I'm sure it'll come tomorrow.
Why don't you give up, son? She probably got run over by a truck in 1989, or something.
No, I won't. I would never quit out of a play-by-mail strip poker game. That would be dishonorable.

 

by kaufman
8-27-04
pssssssst ... hey kid, wake up.
ok, hang on ... let me get the light.
click.
Who are you, and how did you get into my bedroom?
I'm Peter Pants. I'm here to teach you to fly, and take you Never Never Land.
Wait a minute, I know you. You're Michael Jackson!
Of course not! I'm Peter Pants. Can't you see? I'm black.

 

by kaufman
9-01-04
In 1492, Christopher Columbus sailed across the vast ocean in hopes of discovering America.
He landed in the center of Ohio, and built a capital there, named after himself. The rest of Ohio was named after his fellow crewmembers:
Grover Cleveland, Carl Cincinnati, John Akron, Jose Toledo, William Ashtabula, Ivan Zanesville, Steve Putinbay, Ernest Uppersandusky, Fred Washingtoncourthouse, ...

 

by kaufman
9-01-04
In, 1666, Monty Pelier led his Flying Circus over the Green Mountains, and succeeded in discovering Vermont.
When these early aviators landed, they built a capital, named after their leader. The rest of Vermont was named after his fellow airmen:
Benjamin Burlington, Jerry Rutland, Ed Woodstock, Helmut Middlebury, Ronald Weston, Michael St. Johnsbury, Lawrence Derbyline, Paul Whiteriverjunction, ...

 

by kaufman
9-01-04
Hey, you just won a gold medal in the 1956 Summer Games. What are you going to do?
I'm going to DISNEYLAND!
But on their way to Disneyland, all those medalists got caught in a fog bank, strayed off course, and wound up in present day Washington State.
They built and named the capital Olympia in honor of their feat, and named the rest of the cities after themselves: Sue Seattle, Ben van Couver, John Yakima, Patty Portangeles, Wanda Wallawalla, ...

 

by kaufman
9-01-04
In 1848, new territory was opened to homesteading. But some people jumped the gun and got there first, before the official start time.
Get back here, you cheater!
The first of these "sooners", Joe Oklahomacity, built a capital, and named it after himself. Other early arrivals had cities named after them:
Luther Tulsa, John Muskogee, Harold Lawton, David Guymon, Enid Norman, Norman Enid, Jay Brokenbow, ...

 

by kaufman
9-02-04
In 1627, a group of settlers looked for a place to dock. But their rowboat was the smallest ship in the fleet, and they knew they'd never find it again in one of those megastates.
So instead they landed in present-day Rhode Island, where those big SUS's couldn't fit. And they built a capital and named it after their captain, John Providence.
The rest of the state was named after his fellow crewmembers: Samuel Newport, Rene Cranston, John Kingston, Bill Westerly, Peter Pawtucket, Lester Woonsocket, ...

 

by kaufman
9-02-04
Here at Honorable Borg Used Cubes we offer only the best in used cubes. Look at this beauty, only driven by a little old lady to planet-busting every Sunday.
Well, I dunno, it looks a little pricey...
Haggling is irrelevant. Honorable Borg only has the finest cubes at already the lowest prices imaginable. You will buy it. You are being assimilated.
I am being assimilated. I will buy it.
And you will buy the deluxe anti-meteor undercoating.
And I will buy the deluxe anti-meteor undercoating.

 

by kaufman
9-02-04
In 1902, escaping persecution from football partisans, 500 rabid basketball fans drove west in their racecars in search of a new homeland.
They wound up in the middle of present-day Indiana, built a capital, and named it after the settler who arrived there first, Joe Indianapolis.
The rest of the state was named after the other drivers: John Evansville, Alan Bloomington, Morgan Terrehaute, Gary Gary, Anthony Kokomo, Myron Fortwayne, Thomas Frenchlick, ...

 

by kaufman
9-02-04
In 1607, a group of English settlers sailed up the James River in search of a place where they could legally smoke.
They landed and set up a capital there, naming it after their captain, Edward Richmond. They named the state in honor of the fact that they had a hard time getting laid with their smoky breath.
The rest of the state was named after the other crew members: Christopher Norfolk, Michael Roanoke, Timothy Newportnews, Bob Manassas, David Winchester, Dennis Frontroyal, Harvey Tysonscorner, ...

 

by kaufman
9-03-04
In 1977, tired of prejudice and discrimination against them, a group of cyborgs picked up and left for a new home they could call their own.
They wound up in what we now know as Texas, and built a capital there, named after their leader and prototype, Steve Austin.
The rest of the state was named after the other cyborgs: Daniel Dallas, Billy Waco, Margaret Sanantonio, Bo Lubbock, Oscar Wichitafalls, Jaime Amarillo, Locutus Elpaso, Sevenofnine Corpuschristi, ...

 

by kaufman
9-03-04
Desperately needing a good night's sleep, an intrepid group of insomniacs headed off in search of somewhere far away from any place where caffeine was available.
They eventually found their way to present-day Utah, and set up a capital named after their leader, Joe Saltlakecity.
The rest of the state was named after his fellow insomniacs: Harry Provo, William Ogden, Curly Moab, Herman St. George, Edward Bryce Canyon, Elvis Mexicanhat, ...

 

by kaufman
9-04-04
On November 13, a sloppy sportswriter was asked to remove himself from his place of residence. That request came from his roommate.
With nowhere else to go, he and his fellow slobs appeared in what we now know as Wisconsin. They built a capital and named it after the sportswriter, Oscar Madison.
The rest of the state was named after his fellow evicted slobs: Joe Milwaukee, Jack Greenbay, Angus Eauclaire, Horace Wausau, Stephen Spoint, Michael Fondulac, ...

 

by kaufman
9-04-04
On December 24th of The Year Without a Christmas, the sleigh from the North Pole crashed beyond repair in present day New Mexico.
The crew of the sleigh built a capital, and named it Santa Fee in honor of their captain's plan to raise money for (1) fixing the sleigh, and (2) adding the second "e" to the sign at the city limits.
The rest of the state was named after the rest of the crew: Rudolph Albuquerque, Prancer Gallup, Dasher Taos, Blitzen Lascruces, Cupid Tucumcari, Comet Truthorconsequences, ...

 

by kaufman
9-06-04
On April 14, 1865, a world-weary president staged (he was quite the punster) his own assassination, and stole off into the night with a few loyal supporters.
They settled in what appeared to be a tourist trap, code-named Harold Warp's Pioneer Village, and from there built a new capital, named after President Lincoln.
The rest of the new state Nebraska was named after his fellow escapees: Bill Omaha, Bobby Valentine, Steve McCook, Alan Northplatte, Henry Scottsbluff, Christopher Chadron, Samuel Ogallala, ...

 

by kaufman
9-06-04
One September, a hurricane blew a bunch of people into what we now know as Florida. They built a capital, and named it after their most aerodynamic arrivee, Janet Tallahassee.
The rest of the state was named after the other folks who blew in: Leonard Miami, Tony Orlando, Brenda Tampa, Fred Pensacola, Mary Bocaraton, John Keywest, Harry Westpalmbeach, Sue Suncitycenter, ...
They'd have built more cities, but it was 3:30, and time for the Early Bird Special.

 

by kaufman
9-08-04
In 1809, a weary ex-president headed west with some friends to the center of the country, and they set up a capital named after him: Jefferson City.
The rest of the state was named after his buddies: Martin St. Louis, Marvin Kansas City, David Independence, Tom Hannibal, Jackie Branson, Gunther Wentzville, Columbia Weed ...
Coincidentally, the latter settler had a bunch of her namesake, so they all got high and built a bunch of trippy Gateway Arches, all but one of which fell down during the great New Madrid earthquake.

 

by kaufman
9-10-04
It is horrible. Ever since the bombing of Baghdad, my mosaics have been destroyed, and I haven't been able to put them back together.
Have you tried new Cialis?
No, I haven't. Will that help? The pieces won't stay in place.
Guaranteed, you'll be able to get your beautiful mosaics reassembled.
Later...
Look! It is completely restored! Baghdad will rise from the ashes!
Cialis. Guaranteed to cure Iraq tile dysfunction.

 

by kaufman
9-11-04
Suicide. Witnesses saw her leap off the bridge into the river at 6:03 PM. No doubt about it.
But why? She had everything going for her. Rhode Island state track champion, and voted best looking woman on campus.
Captain, this may explain it: "I'm sick and tired of Led Zeppelin. If I hear that whiny voice of Robert Plant once more, I swear I'll end it all."
Hmmmm... we may have a breakthrough. I'll pay a visit to the radio station and check their playlist.
... Let me see. Oh yes, here it is. At 6PM, we played Led Zeppelin IV all the way through.
That confirms it! The quick Brown fox jumped over the L.Z. "Black Dog."

 

by kaufman
9-11-04
Well, Cletus, this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
Yer absolutely right...
But before we fight, there's something I wants to tell you...
Go ahead ...
Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves.

 

by kaufman
9-12-04
Well, Cletus, this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
Yer absolutely right...
But before we fight, there's something I wants to tell you...
Rosebud.

 

by kaufman
9-12-04
Well, Cletus, this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
Yer absolutely right...
But before we fight, there's something I wants to tell you...
At the town council meetin last night, they voted to annex the east farms. We've got developers comin in next month to put in 600 condos. You can live there.

 

by kaufman
9-14-04
Looks like it's kaufman Vs graykane.
Why, you little SNITCH!
What's wrong? Being Big and Evil isn't enough? I hereby dub you Big Evil Pokes His Nose Into Threads That Don't Concern Him Dan!
Oh yeah, and you're Canadian. A BLIZZARD UPON YOU!!!
ooof.

 

by kaufman
9-15-04
Oh, what a fun ring! Nobody can see me now. Thanks, Uncle Bilbo.
That ring is evil. You must throw it in Mount Doom. Take it off right now!
I am astounded. We have something in common. We love killing orcs.
Then we grind them up. Smoke the shreds in hobbits' pipes. Let's get Uruk-high!
You want my ring, twerp? I'll just give you the finger! Watch out for that ledge.
Lava burns Smeagol. But I've got precioussss at last. Happy endingses.

 

by kaufman
9-17-04
Arrrrrrrrrr!
Esssssssssss!
What was that?
You know, our characters are pirates, so I'm talking like one.
Esssss? That's not pirate talk.
Well, maybe not for you, but *I* just made 19th level.

 

by kaufman
9-17-04
Arrrrrr, there he is. You grab his left bootie, I'll grab the right.

 

by kaufman
9-18-04
Open up! I am the Dread Pirate Roberts!
There will be no survivors.
And no big brothers, and no american idols, and no fear factors, and no apprentices, and no simple lives!

 

by kaufman
9-20-04
Here's one of the all-new scenes on the new Star Wars Trilogy DVD, some previously lost footage from "Return of the Jedi."
Controversy abounds over the Empire's proposal to broaden the definition of rape. Jedi Master Yoda, why do you think the law is ridiculous?
It sex not on bed as rape defines. Sex on couch? Rape. Sex on piano? Too rape. Sex on chandelier? Rape also. On table of coffee? Rape, rape, rape!
But mercenary pilot Han Solo supports the law. Mr. Solo, could you tell us what you were doing on the night of January 25th?
Why sure. I was Jabba the Hutt's coffee table.

 

by kaufman
9-20-04
Before starting to read this comic, head to the kitchen, cook up an entire box of oatmeal, and put it in a big bucket.
You say you want to do a gay porn?
Got the bucket? Dump it on your head NOW!!!!!
Ok, here comes the money shot!
Fun. Wasn't it?

 

by kaufman
9-21-04
Arrrrrr!
Arrrrrr!
Arrrrrr!
Shiver me timbers, matey.
Pieces of eight!
Arrrrrr!

 

by kaufman
9-21-04
Avast, you scurvy English swabs, prepare to be boarded.
Hey, I've got Star Wars bootlegs here!
Arrrrrr!
Arrrrrr!
Hoist the Jolly Roger!
Arrrrrr!

 

by kaufman
9-21-04
Arrrrrr!
Arrrrrr!
Arrrrrr!
I am the Dread Pirate Roberts. There will be no survivors!
I wanna hold your hook.
Arrrrrr!

 

by kaufman
9-21-04
In summary, given the evidence I presented here, I believe I have conclusively proven that to arrrrrr is human.

 

by kaufman
9-22-04
Once upon a midnight dreary, I failed to enter a query that would ascertain the gender of my forum inquisitor.
While I nodded, nearly sleeping, a diatribe worthy of bleeping:
How dare you call me a guy, what did you do that for?
I was only being funny. Didn't you like my triple-punny? Give me time, and I will make it four!
Quoth the raver, WHATEVERMORE!

 

by kaufman
9-28-04
I think that after all these weeks, the traffic's starting to let up.
Let me check the atlas ... Hey, we've almost crossed out of Los Angeles.
I think you're right. Look, the smog's starting to dissipate.
You know what that means, don't you?
No, what's it mean?
We're about to finally see what each other looks like!

Showing page 39.

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