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All comics by B8

 

Just go already! by B8 2-29-04
DarkKnight72: I am leaving this forum forever! You are all cliquey and I do not feel welcome! Goodbye! This will get me the respect I deserve! Aw, that's too bad. You were a lot cooler than the 71 other Dark Knights...	DarkKnight72: I have decided to return to the forums! Now to reap the benefits of my absence! I was just kidding. We have enough Dark Knights.	DarkKnight72: I am leaving this forum forever! Again! Really this time! Wait a minute; no one cared. Well, I'll show them! Please do!

 

The Truth is out there, and it's annoying by B8 2-29-04
Thanks for the light, bro! No problem. See you later, Horny!	Hey, living cigarette! Did you know that second hand smoke might, possibly, cause lung cancer? Did you ever think about how your existence is possibly killing people around you?	Hadn't really given it much thought, but now that ya mention it... Nicotine... filling lungs. Righteous indignation... weakening. Lame factoids and jargon... failing!

 

What If Mario were hard boiled by B8 2-29-04
Okay, so I've got a job in the Mushroom Kingdom. It's so saccharine and whimsical that it makes me want to puke, but the money's good, I get to stomp on things and the Princess is easy. I like that.	First, I go down to the local stoolie and pump him for what he knows. He always squeels with the right pressure applied. If you don't tell me what I wanna hear, I'll make sure that those shells ain't the only things comin' out of your ass, if ya get my drift. Can't I at least finish my cup of coffee before you threaten to violate me analy, you damned greaseball?	One of Bowser's goons gives me trouble on my way to the Princess's. She better be up for giving head tonight. He never was very eloquent. I have a message from Bowser for you! It involves a baseball, your knees, and an uncomfortable combination of the two.

 

Mirror Match by B8 2-29-04
You have the stuff? Yeah. You got the money?	Yes, I think I'll be paying with 45s. There's no such bill as a fourty five...	I meant bullets, idiot. Right. Right. You always were the smart clone.

 

Literal Mirror Match by B8 2-29-04
I am so bad ass that the only fighter that could possibly be a worthy opponent for me is... me! I challenge myself to a duel! I am so bad ass that the only fighter that could possibly be a worthy opponent for me is... me! I challenge myself to a duel!	Hey, I challenged you, bitch! Do you accept or do I need to reach throught that mirror and give you a ninka shellacking? Hey, I challenged you, bitch! Do you accept or do I need to reach throught that mirror and give you a ninka shellacking?	I like the way you think, but that won't save you from a terrible beating when you finally have the cajones to step up! You are so fucking stupid.

 

Desensitized by the Murdered Guy by B8 3-04-04
Oh my god, this is terrible! I'm trapped on a Space Station with a murderer! If anyone's out there, please, send help!	Oh my god, what's going to happen to that poor guy?	Well, that was anti-climatic. Let's see what else is on.

 

That Squirrel is persistent by B8 3-04-04
		Come here and grant me my wish, damn it! I'm a fairy, not an internet spammer, you pervert! I will not give you four inches!

 

Standoff by B8 3-04-04
Looks like we have a stand off here, boys! Damn right, Yankee bitch!	So, that ray gun, would it incenerate me? Depends. It also has vaproize, puree, and tickle settings. Never tried the last one.	Looks like this numbnuts forgot his gun! Anywhere but the wang, please! I promised it to a museum!

 

Reunited by B8 3-04-04
Yar, welcome to Long John Silver's. Would ya like a combo, ya bligerat? Wait a minute... Johnny Depp? Is that you? Oh hey, it's the pissed of Pirate the tried to kill me because of From Hell. How've you been?	Ar, not so good, laddy. But what about you, bein' so cruelly denied an Oscar for yer sterling performance in the Black Pearl? Eh, I'll get over it. Penn will probably throw his Oscar out a window in an enraged fit if Bush wins the election, and I'll be able to score it then. I'm more worried about you working here.	Eh, ya takes what ya can gets these days. It's a lean time for plunderin', after all. I hear that!

 

The brimstone didn't help, either. by B8 3-05-04
		Mein gott! How did you find me, mutant killing robot? Well, the teleportation clouds were kind of a dead giveaway, for one.

 

Planet of the Apes Condensed by B8 3-05-04
Oh wow, I have landed on another planet! Wait, what is that over there? It appears that the planet is run by apes and humans are considered animals!	The Part of the Apes are played by monkeys in today's strip. Yes, we rule the Earth, abohrent talking human who shouldn't be talking because he's a human! Some of us are sympathetic towards humans, but most of us are just an allegory for the way humans treat each other. When we're not eating delicious bannanas, that is.	Oh my god, this familiar landmark has made me realize that we are actually on Earth! I could have told you that if you'd bother to ask me! Just because a girl's quiet and barely dressed doesn't mean I can't speak, you insensitive jerk!

 

That kind of knowledge by B8 3-05-04
Once more in to the breach, my faithful assitant! It's time to see what lies in other dimensions! Godspeed, sir! I hope you find new and exciting knowledge, and not that other kind.	Other kind? What was that wacky chimp talking about?	Oh, that's right, this kind of knowledge! The kind that no one should know! A talkin' monkey? That ain't in the bible! I'd better round up my friends and kill it! Could mean some good eatin', at least.

 

Politically Useless Corpses: Corpse on the Street by B8 3-06-04
I'm here with an ordinary citizen to find out what people think of President Bush's new campaign ad, which features scenes from 9-11. What do you think, sir. Well, I mean, I'm against it. I'm not a fan of the current administration. I mean, no blood for oil! No blood for oil!	That has nothing to do with my question... No blood for oil, man!	Excuse my friend there. He's not all there, due to his constant lust for human flesh and all. I think what he means to say is BUSH IS HITLER! BUSH IS HITLER! Man, my liberal media masters are going to love these soundbites!

 

Politically Useless Corpses: Poll numbers by B8 3-06-04
Would you mind if I ask you a few questions about the Presidential election? Brains!	I'm on comission, so I'll take that as a yes. What do you look for in a candidate? What do you think is most important in a Presidential candidate, in other words. Brains!	What do you think President Bush's main weakness is? In other words, what is his biggest flaw as a politician? Brains!

 

P.U.C.: So that's who they are. by B8 3-06-04
I'm here at a Dennis Kucinich Campaign Rally, as his supporters continue to be enthusiastic about their man, even as John Kerry has the Democratic Nomination for the Presidency essentially locked up. Let's look at a little footage from the rally, as two enthusiastic Kucinich supporters fired up the crowd before he took the stage.	No blood for oil! You should only have to use credit cards and pooka shells, like, on a barter system, to fill up your car! Which shouldn't be an SUV, because those are evil! You know who's Hitler? I can tell you who isn't! People not named Bush! Because Bush is Hitler!	Now I'm back live after the speech. Sir, why do you still support Dennis Kucinich? Mike Smash John Ashcroft and Patriot Act! At the voting booth, that is!

 

What if Thor wasn't in Thor: Vikings at all? by B8 3-06-04
We've been at sea for thousands of years! Now that we're in New York, it's time to rape and pillage! And cut off everyone's heads. Can't forget that!	We certainly pillaged this place in record time. And don't even get me started on the raping! Speaking of that, our leader sure did make Thor his bitch! Oh wait, Odinson is back! And he has a swishy magician and some other people I've never seen before with him! There goes our boss!	One big fight scene later. Thor sure did show me what for, punching me in to space and all. That makes him totally even with me for throwing him in to the river earlier.

 

P.U.C.: Protesting Useless Corpses by B8 3-07-04
What do we not want? Blood for oil!	Who do we not want to spill it? George Bush!	Which historical figure is he similar too? Oh jeez, I always mess up on this one. I guess this is why we have practice.

 

P.U.C.: Guest starring FCR's President and Dick Cheney! by B8 3-07-04
Meanwhile, inside the White House Is it just me or are those protesters getting dumber every year, Mr. President? That's a good question. Let me think about it here fer a second, Dick. I wonder...		It was a rhetorical question, George. I knew that. I was psychin' you out with my Presidential Mind Tricks. Now, I'm gonna move that bust of George Washington by the door usin' my mind.

 

P.U.C.: Another Gratuitous Guest Star! by B8 3-07-04
Are you here to protest Herr Bush or suppory his tyrannical rule? Neither. I've got more important things to do than chant pointless slogans with skinless libs.	Then what could you possibly be doing here? I'm looking for one of my 10,000 cats, you undead hippie!	There he is. Come one Mewy, let's get out of this madhouse and get home to my frigid wife!

 

An interlude- fly's daydream by B8 3-07-04
Hey Mewy, I have an idea; let's go on a crazy adventure!	Maybe I could fight Odin Son on his home turf. Have at you! What the fork is this? I live in Florida, for fork's sakes!	Or I could stop an alien invasion! You don't want to invade us! Everyone's crazy like me! That isn't what we observed via your "E! Channel," but you do have an honest face...

 

P.U.C.: So much for fly's daydream by B8 3-07-04
Hey man, go daydream on your own time! We have a protest to conduct here! There are so many things we could do. Hey, maybe we could even go in to space and juggle planets, like Pre-Crisis Superman, which was when he was fun.	How rude can you be? Can't you see I was talking to my cat about wild adventures we could have?	Oh, well, pardon me. I didn't know you were doing anything important. Don't let my protest of our evil Republican Empire, which is run by Hitler! Oh, so it's a political debate you want, eh? Mewy, wait in the car. I'm going to verbally carpet bomb this zombie like he was rick d!

 

Pedantic Zombies by B8 3-08-04
Dude, I totally showed that fly up right now! He's not even saying anything, he's typing at a computer! He can't verbalize his argument, I spanked him so bad. Uh, well, I dunno, man. You used a sentence fragment when you were yelling at him.	What? A sentence fragment. You didn't complete you thought there. I think he may just be working on his grammar to show you up.	Well, I never! See, you did it again.

 

Politically Useless CBRians. by B8 3-09-04
CBRians speak out about the upcoming election; hear from Sir Tim Drake! I say on to thee, yon television newscaster, that a vote for the gnave Bush is surely a vote for tyrrany!	Arith! Bush in '04! I'll draw a picture for the liberal knight over there if he didn't here me well enough in his commie tin suit!	And the most level headed political poster of all! I plan on backing the politican in favor of putting Johnny Baracuda on the $20, or, failing that, the one who will declare every Wednesday "Bendis Day." Or I would, if I was a stupid yank.

 

Kill Bill Condensed (Now with 100% less action scenes!) by B8 3-11-04
I'm going to kill you like I killed that Asian assassain earlier. Okay. Want some cereal first? There's a great prize in the box!	I'm going to kill you like I killed all of the members of the Yakuza in Japan just now and how I plan to kill that black assassain later. But I have a tragic past! Didn't you see the cartoon version of it a minute ago?	Before I can kill anyone, I have to make my toe move. Just go kill them! No one wants to see your freakishly large toe, anyway!

 

And his little lizard, too... by B8 3-13-04
Let's get 'em! Kill Supremo and his kid sidekick, Timmy Molson! I'm gonna plug that smug bastard full of lead!	I hope he isn't attached to his arms! Heh, get it, attached? Yeah, yeah. The crotch is mine. Remember that. It's just an easier target, okay?	I thought you said you had good news? I do. I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!

 

He's holding up the line. by B8 3-13-04
Oh no Supremo, they're coming from behind us, too!		Are you supposed to be in the line to kill Supremo? This is what we're in line for? I thought this was the line for rape and pillaging. Man, am I embarassed.

 

Really, the Viking was holding up the line. by B8 3-13-04
Gee Supremo, we're surrounded! We are indeed, Timmy. In fact, with my See Through Vision, I can see that they're lining up around the black to get a crack at me.	I'm gonna kill that guy cuz, like, superhero comics are keeping the real work in the form from being taken seriously. And because his tight speedo makes me question my sexuality. There's a question about it?	He was so cruel when he rejected me from his super team. He even made fun of my costume! The nerve! Ach, that was really out of line on his part... It's a pretty crappy costume, mein friend. Sorry.

 

Look, there's some more blood in that stone! by B8 3-13-04
Wow, the line's stretched all the way down the street now. Aw man, I really have to go... Don't look at me. I told you to take a whiz before we left the Circus of Crime.	What did I do to make all these people hate me? I only tried to help them! Yeah, so I was like "What are you going to do, punch my minions to the moon?" Man, did I ever regret giving him that idea! Don't look at his tongue, don't look at his tongue... you looked at his tongue!	I guess they just didn't appreciate your exposing Janet's breast with your super grope powers, Supremo. You like my fighting stance? Oh yes, mortal. It certainly intimidates I, who was forged in the pits of hell. I am sure that this demi-god among men will be terrified. You sissy.

 

That dead horse sure could use a licking! by B8 3-13-04
My god, Timmy, the line's so large that it's strecthed to the rural area of town! I was planning on killing Supremo for rejecting me at the bus stop, but there's just something about him. His bravery, his selflessness... his bulging package! I want to savage his invlunerable body! Lady, I'm 12. Could ya keep this stuff to yourself?	Wow, even other super heroes are getting in on the action! Ten minutes from now we will still be in line. Bored. Will soon break own fingers to relieve monotony.	Wait, is that who I think it is? Jesus, what're you doin' here? Are ya finally here for yer second coming, to deliver your chosen people to the kingdom of heaven? Nope. I'm just here to see what could possibly form a bigger line than my new film, the Passion of the Christ, in theatres now! You guys must really not like this Supremo fellow much.

 

Here comes the Cavalry, and it's crazy by B8 3-13-04
Geez, that's a lot of people that don't like you, Supremo. I know. But I must stand against them, for... well, because I don't feel like flying out of here. I shall do it even though I have no one to help me. At least no one useful!	Hey! I'm sorry, but it's true, Timmy. I'm sure you'll make a good human shield, but someone would have to be crazy and willing to take on the whole world to really help me.	Did someone say old and willing to fight against the whole world? That sounds a lot like me!

 

He really does by B8 3-13-04
What's your plan, Supremo? It's really simple. I'll use my super hearing to intercept their battle plans and then strike at their most important fronts.	That's brilliant! When did you become such a great strategist! Well, I don't like to admit my secrets, but...	I did stay at a Holiday Inn last night! You watch too much fucking TV.

 

Aftermath by B8 3-14-04
Yep, I am victrious. Now I can put all that money I saved by switching to Geico in to rebuilding this ruined soceity and become an even bigger hero. Like a mega hero or something!	Stupid freeze breath...	But at what cost Supremo? Look at what you did to this poor guy! What are you talking about, Giant Bug? I live in this trash can!

 

Real Internet Conversation, Fictional Characters by B8 3-18-04
You hear about this week's Fantastic Four? It has a horrible ending. Kamandi called me today to tell me about it. What, does Ben Grimm kill Jesus?	Hahahaha! That's great.	Seriously, though, Jack Kirby shows up as god and heals Reed's scar. I'm not sure if that's worse than my idea or not.

 

Red Robot is mad... Red Robot is angry! by B8 3-18-04
Argh! The humans will be crushed for this! What did they do this time?	It is their Strip Creator program! It is fun and addicting! I can't help but spend hours making my own comic strips! That doesn't sound too bad.	But I cannot edit my typos! My masterworks of three panel gag strips with Jesus Christ and a Cowboy are forver marred with imperfection! For this, the fleshbags will perish! You could just proof read them better...

 

I, Robot... Tightwad? by B8 3-18-04
Hey, I just found a solution to your StripCreator problems that doesn't involve killing all the humans! Does it involve torturing all the humans? I can live with that.	Uh, err, well... Uh, no. You just donate to the site and you can delete all of those flawed strips. Well, I don't know...	What's wrong with that? You that hung up on genocide? No, it's just that I was programmed to be... cheap.

 

Deadwood Condensed by B8 3-29-04
Cocksucker! Cocksucker!	Cocksucker! Cocksucker!	Cocksucker! Okay, that one may be one cocksucker too far.

 

Really, you wouldn't like him. by B8 3-29-04
Don't make angry. You won't like me when I'm anrgy. Oh yeah, what are you gonna do, turn into the Incredible Hulk?	One anger causing act of violence later... Arrgh... Aw crap, you will! And I was so hoping to not piss in these new jeans!	I look like the Hulk, huh? Is that why you never take me out? Is that it? Because I'm big, green, ugly, and savage? Is that what you're saying, Mr. Leave the Toilet Seat Up? Oh man! I was afraid of the Incredible Hulk, when what I really had to fear was... the Intolerable Nag!

 

The Politcially Useless Corpses return in Dawn of the Dumb! by B8 4-01-04
Hey dude, you remember that movie I was in? The one with the chick and the donkey?	No,man, the other one. The one with all the other zombies. I got chew on fake human flesh and scare the crap out of that guy from 8 Mile. Oh yeah. How did that go.	To Be Continued (whether you like it or not) It was number one at the box office, man! For like a week, but still. I'm a celebrity now! You know what this means? I'll tell you what; it means I'm a celebrity now! And that means that everyone will have to take my political view seriously! I'm an activist now, man!

 

On Drunk Posting: With historical guest stars! by B8 4-01-04
Ya ever notice these people who always have to mention that they're drunk or high when they're posting on message boards?	I mean, it's like, thanks for the heads up. Especially when it's used to justify a long, rambling post. Yeah buddy, having a couple Heinekens while you were browsing the Batman Forum justified that.	Makes you wonder if this happened when other forms of mass communication were popular... Now, I'm in a total opium haze here, but I think that we all descended from monkeys. Y'know, I've had a little too much communion wine, but I wrote this really long list of complaints about the Catholic Church, and well, I think it would be a good idea to nail them to the church door.

 

Trailers, B8 style. by B8 4-06-04
Coming to theatres soon: Man on Fire Oh my god! It burns! It burns!	13 Going on 30 It's Big, with boobs!	King Arthur Why did though fornicate with mine love, Guinevere? Because she's the hottest tomboy beanpole on the planet. Dost thou not readeth Ain't it Cool News?

 

A disclaimer... from Hell! by B8 4-06-04
Pathetic fleshinglings, head my words!	B8 would like to clear this up, just in case you damned, wretched souls get any ideas;	he doesn't endorse the reading of Ain't It Cool News. That would truly be demonic! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some torture to get to. Oh man, I knew naming my band "The Christbashers" was a bad idea!

 

Sometimes animals are just like us by B8 4-08-04
You see that puppy over there? I hate him! He's getting everyone's attention, and he doesn't deserve it! Not when I'm around! Oh, well, that's completely reasonable...	A few weeks later... You hear the terrible news? That puppy across the street is dead! I feel so depressed. I just don't know what to do with myself. What the hell are you talking about? Didn't you hate that puppy?	Yeah, but now that he's dead, I feel obligated to act like he meant something to me. You're so human sometimes it's sickening.

 

A man of principle by B8 4-08-04
I'm so proud of my beard, baby. Took me a long time to get it lookin' this way.	Yeah, it's my form of self expression. It's like a part of me. There's no way I'll get rid of it! I'm no conformist sheep! I'd have sex with you if you'd shave it.	It's gone!

 

Smooth Operator by B8 4-08-04
So, we're here. You gonna do it? Hey baby, both of us are gonna do it!	I meant shaving your beard. Can't we have some fun first? I've been wearing this thing for a couple years now.	I'd be giving up my virginity. I've had it a bit longer. Yeah, like I believe that!

 

You didn't think she was attracted to him, do you? by B8 4-08-04
So, did he take the bait? Yeah.	Awesome! That's one step closer to making me feel better about the fact that I can't grow a stylish beard... or goatee, I guess. Good work! Only countless other men to go! Thanks.	Why the long face? I really did give up my virginity to get him to get rid of that... thing on his chin. And I smell like beatnik now. That's hard to get out.

 

Something completely different by B8 4-08-04
I've always thought that hell was personal. That that's where the horror came from. Really?	Yeah. Like, whatever you hated the most would always be there. You'd be surrounded by it. And what you wanted to the most would be completely absent. So what's your hell like?	It's filled with asshole drivers on cell phones and you aren't there. Good answer!

 

Something completely different (with proof read dialogue) by B8 4-08-04
I always thought that hell was personal. That that was where the horror came from. Really?	Yeah. Like, whatever you hated the most would always be there. You'd be surrounded by it. And what you loved would be completely absent. Jeez, that does sound awful. What would your hell be like?	It would be filled with asshole drivers on cell phones and you wouldn't be there. Good answer!

 

I just wanted to use the Squirrel again, okay? by B8 4-09-04
Come on, I know you can do it! Stop holding out on me! Leave me alone, you psychotic rodent!	If you don't I'll chop you to little metal bits! Anythings better than what you want me to do!	You're trapped. Now, use your robot powers to transform and roll out or I'll "transform" you in to metal potpuri! But... I transform in to a Pinto. That's embarassing, man.

 

The Squirrel gets his comeuppence by B8 4-10-04
There's no way you can escape me!	I can follow you wherever you go! Oh really?	Glug! Care to rethink that last statement?

 

And now, for some continuity! by B8 4-10-04
I wonder if I'll ever have any company down here. It's really starting to get lonely.	Yeah, I sure wish someone would visit me down here. Anyone! I'm not choosy at this point! Hey! Was that a splash I heard? It was! My wish is coming true! I'm so happy!	On second thought... Unable to move or speak... that's my kinda victim!

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