All comics by EvilZak

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by EvilZak
11-15-03
Can we have sex?
Not tonight.
Is that your final answer?
Yes.
Then I'd like to use my Phone-a-friend.

 

by EvilZak
11-15-03
Just once, hon?
No, Alex. I'm going to sleep. And if I catch you trying to have sex with me while I sleep, I will chop off your manhood with a rusty stiletto. Now let me get some damn sleep!
Let's make this a true Daily Double!

 

by EvilZak
11-15-03
Honey, I've been receiving obscene phone calls from several guys. They offer five hundred dollars if I'll sleep with them. What's with these guys?
I don't know anything about these guys. All I do know is that you should tell them to toss off, cause you're not some filthy whore!
Thanks, Bob!
Besides, the actual retail price is seven hundred dollars!

 

by EvilZak
11-16-03
That was the best sex I've ever had! How do you know just what a woman wants?
I had a sex change.

 

by EvilZak
11-16-03
HP: Dubya 1206, Zombie 1642
1000 Needles!
HP: Dubya 1206, Zombie 642
Eat Brains!
HP: Dubya 1206, Zombie 642

 

by EvilZak
11-18-03
God, are you there?
Go away kid, I'm resting. I've had a rough day.
But I have a very important question I need to ask of you.
Alright, what is it?
Why did you take Kitty away?
I was really horny.

 

by EvilZak
12-07-03
And with this magic hat, you'll come alive.
Hotdiggity, I'm alive!
What's the first thing you want to do, Frosty?
Hmmm...
I WAS FRAMED! FRAMED I TELL YOU! FRAMED! THERE'S NO JUSTICE IN THE WORLD!
Tell that to the jury, you terrible terrible arsonist.

 

by EvilZak
12-09-03
And now it's time for our review of The Cat In The Hat. I thought it was entertaining, so I give it a cats up.
I give it a cats down.
You can't give it a cats down. You don't have a cat in your possesion.
Actually, yes, I do.

 

by EvilZak
12-15-03
What kind of twins are separated at birth?
I give up.
Siamese twins!

 

by EvilZak
12-15-03
Did you hear about the twins who used to be Siamese, then got back together?
I don't know that one either.
They shared a common bond!

 

by EvilZak
12-21-03
We hate you!
We hate you!
We hate you!
We hate you!
We hate you!
We hate you!

 

by EvilZak
12-21-03
We hate you!
We hate you!
We hate you!
We hate you!
We hate you!

 

by EvilZak
12-21-03
One character is mentally retarded.
Use Cowboy...
...but not to represent the President.

 

by EvilZak
12-21-03
Ztupid toureest! Hand over all zee money, or I shoot zee brains out, no?
Oh god! I don't know whether to give you the money or to stick up for myself!
Vell, here's zome advize.
Vhen in France, do like zee Frenchmen.

 

by EvilZak
12-23-03
Dave, you're taking this WWJD thing a bit too far.

 

by EvilZak
12-24-03
Random Carved Pumpkin, I am so pissed now that Halloween is over.
I know, Generic Halloween Symbol! They'll forget about us until next year.
Now we have to step out of the limelight and let them have their day.
And people do their Christmas shopping 7 months in advance!They won't even think about US again until October! FUCK Christmas!
OK, I understand you rolling my workshop, but using the rolls first is just uncalled for.

 

by EvilZak
12-24-03
Random Carved Pumpkin, I am so pissed now that Halloween is over.
I know, Generic Halloween Symbol! They'll forget about us until next year.
Now we have to step out of the limelight and let them have their day.
And people do their Christmas shopping 7 months in advance!They won't even think about US again until October! FUCK Christmas!
I can understand the witch getting mad at me, but I didn't know pumpkins could have periods.

 

by EvilZak
12-24-03
Random Carved Pumpkin, I am so pissed now that Halloween is over.
I know, Generic Halloween Symbol! They'll forget about us until next year.
Now we have to step out of the limelight and let them have their day.
And people do their Christmas shopping 7 months in advance!They won't even think about US again until October! FUCK Christmas!
Either tone down the Christmas frenzy, or we'll sue your ass for copyright infringement!
Fine, fine! We'll meet your demands, just so long as Scrooge doesn't have to learn his lessons from the Goat of Christmas Past!

 

by EvilZak
12-24-03
Dan! Thank god you're here, you're the last person I can count on. Everyone else has been acting like a total asshole to me. Insult after insult! I wanna shoot those dog-fucking pigs.
Wrong time of month, eh?

 

by EvilZak
12-27-03
Come on, admit it. You're gay.
Stop bothering me!
So are you gay?
Sigh.......................... I'm all man.
That includes your favorite beverage, right?

 

by EvilZak
1-04-04
So what's your family doing right now?
My older brother's on the computer.
My younger brother's...
Actually, your older brother is in the bathroom at this instant.

 

by EvilZak
1-05-04

 

by EvilZak
1-05-04

 

by EvilZak
1-05-04

 

by EvilZak
1-05-04
Bush made Iraq one of the best superpowers in the world.
There were no WMDs in Iraq.
He removed Saddam from Iraq. Saddam is a WMD.
He invaded Iraq to avenge his dad also oil.
What the fuck? I'm voting for the President of America, not Iraq!

 

by EvilZak
1-06-04
Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene.
I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started?
An extremist faction is responsible! Their leader said something like "find enough nukes for the rest of the world"!
That's horrible, but I do have good news. I just saved on my car insurance by switching to Geico!

 

by EvilZak
1-07-04
Waking up is the body's way of telling you that there is something better to do than sleep.
Apparently bodies are retards.

 

by EvilZak
1-08-04
Can you name something that you can't put in a bucket?
A refrigerator.
It's a big bucket.

 

by EvilZak
1-09-04
Jupiter?
No, it's a really big bucket.
The universe?
REALLY big.
Your mom's penis?
REALLY REALLY.... fuck you.

 

by EvilZak
1-09-04
Can you name something that can't fit in said bucket?
Your proposed bucket is an impossibility. There is no way such a large bucket could be created, as there are not enough supplies or labor to do so!
You're just covering up the fact that you don't know, aren't you?
Your mom's penis?

 

by EvilZak
1-09-04
Name something that you can't put in a really large bucket.
It's not about whether you're in the bucket or out of the bucket. It's about your character!
Look, just answer the question.
You judge a man based on whether he is in the bucket or not. You are an awful person.
What?
Just say no to bucketism!

 

by EvilZak
1-10-04
Here are some limericks pertaining to the biggest bucket.
There once was a man from Nantucket. He'll see any dick and he'll suckit. Once he sucked this one, he had big big fun, cause it was bigger than the bucket!
Everyone thought it was wrong, to suck on such a large dong. But the biggest surprise was not the wang's size, but that it belongs to my mom!

 

by EvilZak
1-10-04
Your ass is so fat that I could put my penis in it!
That's not what I meant.

 

by EvilZak
1-14-04
What can I get you sir?
I’ve got very special dietary requirements and i'm not really sure if I can eat here
Well we do try to have something on the menu for everyone, and our chef can make up absolutely anything you could want.
Well in that case maybe I will have something.
Oven Mitt, you heard the man.
No way! I'm too young to die!

 

by EvilZak
1-15-04
Avast ye matey, the one who reeks of absinth has brought us to Microsoft, where Bill Gates has been hiding this whole time.
This series is brought to you by X-Box. It's good to play together.
So now am I going to get that bobby-on-cthulhu action I was promised?
In a few. First I have a question though. If Gates is here, who were the fish holding ransom?
AHA! It is me, Jesus!

 

by EvilZak
1-19-04
My GOD, that was the best show ever.
Yeah, I can't believe they ended up detroying the whole city afterwards.
Well, it's been a trademark of theirs.
So, now that it's over, what you wanna do?
Find a new place to live?
Pussy.

 

by EvilZak
1-20-04
Dad, I have a question.
Yeah?
Remember when you taught me to swim by throwing me in the ocean?
Yeah, teaching you to swim, that's it.

 

by EvilZak
1-21-04
I used to be rich, famous, healthy, and I had a beautiful wife and large family, then I lost it all in one gamble.
You bought an N-Gage, didn't you?

 

by EvilZak
1-21-04
As awesome as it is to be evil, I've always wanted to be a superhero. God, can you make me into a superhero?
Alright then. Let's see... you have insomnia, you're a man. Thus, you are Insomniaman!
Insomniaman? That sounds retarded!
Do you have any better suggestions?
How about Big Cock Man?
Don't steal my superhero name!

 

by EvilZak
1-21-04
So what are my superpowers?
You never sleep, because you don't need to. Oh yeah, flying, strength, the basic shit.
What's the catch?
You have a super-secret weakness which I cannot tell you.
Also, you will have to do non-sleeping things at work.

 

by EvilZak
2-06-04
Boxers or briefs?

 

by EvilZak
2-07-04
We're looking for a large stash of cocaine. Lift.
So what's it like always having to wipe?
Here's me pretending to be you: "They're after me lucky charms!"

 

by EvilZak
2-08-04
I'm sorry, we don't have any interest in "Storm-Soaked Cheerios".
WANGS!
Just then, the anti-cool-people army bombed the place. They hated the cool cereal makers.

 

by EvilZak
2-09-04
OK, I've got into costume, can I have my first mission?
First you will stop Sir Beer's diabolical scheme of getting everyone drunk.
Waitaminute God, what's so evil about mass drunkenness that I should prevent?
Let's see, the fatal car wrecks, the abuses of friends and family, the outbreak of riots that could kill many innocent people...
I want a real reason.
Hangovers! Massive hangovers!

 

by EvilZak
2-09-04
Sir Beer! Drop the Guinness and nobody gets hurt!
OK.
KLUNK
OW! Hey, you assholes up in the sky! Watch where you're dropping your mugs!
You lied to me.

 

by EvilZak
2-09-04
Sir Beer, why have you given up so easily?
Insomniaman you fool! Did you not see my plans to melt the Beer North Pole and flood the world in beer?
...Beer North Pole? Are you high?
What gave it away, my name?

 

by EvilZak
2-09-04
2 AM
We interrupt this program for a special report: due to a crash of the Budweiser Valdez, the North Pole is now made entirely of beer.
Further developments will be announced as they progress...
...latest development: People now live at the North Pole.

 

by EvilZak
2-09-04
Idiot Kid, I need your help! I need to kill Sir Beer quickly! Help me break this dam so we can expose him to his biggest weakness!
And what would that be?

 

by EvilZak
2-09-04
I'm tired of my beer belly. I'm gonna go on the Atkins Diet to lose weight.
Hey! It worked!

 

by EvilZak
2-09-04
And with the death of Sir Beer, Insomniaman saved the day!
Dude, you drowned 99% of the city's population.
I Insomniaman saved the day!

Showing page 4.

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